Not a good weekend for Newcastle you might say, but a comprehensive drubbing by Arsenal on Saturday evening is possibly the least of their problems. You see, millionaire owner and walking KFC advert Mike Ashley could now face police action after wantonly breaking licensing laws by carrying alcohol onto the Emirates stadium. Unbeknowst to him, the not-exactly-conspicuously-sized chap was caught by TV cameras necking a pint in the stands to presumably drown his returning sorrows. Alcohol is of course on sale at Arsenal, but like all other grounds, fans are not allowed to take drinks back to their seats. Newcastle this morning issued a quite hilarious statement which genuinely reads: “Mike was offered a drink which he thought was non-alcoholic so he took it in good faith.” While we are still awaiting confirmation from the Emirates staff, STT is pretty certain that the club do not sell non-alcoholic beer in plastic pint glasses at the stadium.
Ultimately though, boozing illegally in a stadium is something that everyone does… I myself was even nearly shown the exit at QPR last season for pocketing a couple of ciders at half time to numb the misery of just generally being there…but far worse a crime for Newcastle affiliates must surely orbit around that man Joey Barton, once again. Just weeks after being released from a pillow-biting stay in Strangeways, Barton was given a couple of minutes run out at the Emirates this past weekend, and was predictably met with a tirade of boos. Considering Arsenal fans have never been know to make any noise whatsoever, one can only assume this reaction came from the visiting Toon support. Things got worse though, as his first quasi-touch of the ball resulted in a jarring horror challenge on Arsenal’s Samir Nasri, which floored the Frenchman and clearly wound up the normally-placid Arsenal team. It wasn’t just the challenge that pushed buttons however, but the dead-eyed shit-eating grin he gave Nasri as he dusted himself off.
It seems a strange move even from someone as notoriously idiotic as Kevin Keegan to provoke such a reaction from the public by even naming Barton amongst his substitutes, since this Friday he is due to receive a hefty ban from the FA’s disciplinary committee after admitting to a charge of violent conduct for the Ousmane Dabo attack back in May 2007. Ed Harrison, writer of the official Newcastle United Blog, wrote: “Fans regard Barton as a thug who should have been thrown out of football.” Another fan said: “Barton is a smirking goon who turns my stomach every time I see him with that cocky, bully-boy grin.” And finally, another supporter calling himself Goffy said: “I’ll avoid watching my beloved Toon if that waster wears the shirt.” And Keegan’s take on all this clear outcry, even amongst his own fans? When asked what should be done next, he answered in typically over-dramatic fashion: “Other than putting some gallows up outside, you’re all doing a good job of that without any help from me.”
Without wanting to sound like a broken record, can someone just man up and ban this piece of shit for life? He’s proven himself time and time again to be a remorseless thug, and at the end of the day, is this really the kind of prick we want as a role-model for children? Going to prison would constitute gross professional misconduct in any other industry, and is usually punishable by sacking, so why should footballers be treated any different?
Ok so everyone knows that Austria are an appalling national outfit then, and that obviously the tournament would’ve been so much better and more exciting had England just been given their place out of sympathy. Anyway, an embarassed Vienna brewery has taken matters into its own hands by promising a life-long supply of free beer to any Austria player who actually manages to score a goal in the co-hosts remaining two group matches against Poland and Germany. What’s next…underage prostitutes if they make it out of the group stage? A cocaine IV-drip if they get to the semis?? A legally-pardoned murder each if they win the whole tournament??? Actually yeah, that’d be awesome!
“Maybe this is the kind of motivation that will give them the last kick our team needs to be successful,” Ottakringer Brauerei AG chief executive Sigi Menz said in a statement, adding he would personally deliver the winner’s supply for the whole first year. Now if this isn’t enough to motivate the side (ranked 92nd in the world) to perform better than they did against Croatia last week, then they are a real lost cause, but one wonders if it might encourage some slightly selfish ball-hogging in the final third. Also, what happens if they are awarded a penalty? Surely fist fights will ensue over the priceless booty?! Obviously the smart play would be for the players to all agree to divvy up any Ottakringer won and to just play as a team, but remember, these are footballers we’re talking about here.
As has been thrust down the throat of every sports page reader in the country, there will be no representation at Euro 2008 from the British Isles. This sad fact shouldn't hinder the fun to be had while watching the football, as plenty of nations with alcoholic tendencies are going to be playing and, well, drinking. Since STT is London based and lacking a team to cheer for, we thought it would be a good idea to go down the local tapas bar or bierkeller and soak up the atmosphere with a different bunch of national fans, but it turns out that a number of random pubs in town have nailed their colours to some very bizarre flagpoles:
Austria
Austrian fans will be found in their tens watching their team get their arse handed to them at The Crown and Two Chairmen on Dean Street, one of Soho's more notorious thoroughfares. Why the Austrians have chosen one of the better known pubs in Soho is not clear, but it's certain that they can get a cheery rub-and-tug in any of the adjoining flats offering 'new models'.
Croatia
Out of all the countries represented at Euro 2008, Croatia probably boasts the smallest expat community living in London. Their isn't a defined Croatian area of the capital, nor are there any clear Croatian bars, but one ex-Hammer may swell the ranks of Eastern Europeans moving to the East End - one SlavenBilic. This is pure speculation, but it would be great to see the chain-smokingmetal playing geezer in charge at Upton Park. You can join the locals down the Boleyn Tavern near the stadium, watch the game, talk about the great man and then meet the ICF!
Czech Republic
Where better to join the Czechs than in Bar Prague? It's in the heart of Shoreditch, where it's possible to get anything or anyone if you ask the right guy on the street!
France
If you fancy joining the French fans in cheering on sulky men, then head down to The FulhamTup this weekend, which is right by the epicentre of French snootiness in West London - Stamford Bridge.
Germany
If it's some knackwurst that you fancy as you cheer on the bildesmannschaft, then the only place to go is the Bavarian Beer House on City Road, again in Shoreditch. Here, the wenches are buxom and the beers most quaffable.
Greece
Watching a game with Greeks is a bit like having electricity run through your gentials - it's an unpleasant experience, but some people love it. There are plenty of Greek places to enjoy the reigning champions play (expect to hear that fact over and over again) while drinking retsina and avoiding broken crockery, but The Real Greek in Clerkenwell is one of the classiest.
Italy
Where else could you support the Azzurri in London other than Bar Italia, on Frith Street in Soho? The Italian quarter in London is nothing compared to some cities, but so much is crammed into such a small space. The NastroAzzuro will be flowing and the hand gesticulation will be massive, as seen by the incredible scenes here as Italy won the World Cup.
The Netherlands
If you want to watch the Netherlands play Italy on Monday night, but don't fancy joining the world cup holders, then head down to the Lord Wolsley on White Lion Street in Islington, where the Arsenal supporting landlord has converted his pub into the most orange place in the world.
Poland
A number of newspapers and organisations have suggested that Brits support Poland, due to the number of Poles living in the UK, making it the closest to a 'home side' at the tournament. A number of pubs around the capital will have a massive Polish element during games, but it's likely that the focus will be the Polo-Disney vodka haunt near Holborn called Na Zdrowie.
Portugal
Stockwell in South London is home to a large Portuguese community, numbering up to 27,000 people. There are plenty of great bars and eateries along the South Lambeth Road, but we recommendCantinhode Portugal for food, football and Cristiano worship.
Romania
Romanians will undoubtedly flock to 32 Old Bailey, near Smithfield market for their games. This classy place should be rammed during all 3 of Romania's games in the tournament, as they struggle to qualify from the Group of Death.
Russia
Unless you're watching the game with an oligarch with a helicopter, there isn't much choice for a Russian supporting fan in London. The only true Russian themed bar in London is the cleverly named A10 on the A10 (The Kingsland Road in Shoreditch), where the vodka flows freely and the Soviet decor is dusty.
Spain
The hordes of Spanish tourists in London are an annual bain to anyone wanting to get anywhere, but they are tolerated, if not welcomed. Bradley's Spanish Bar just off Oxford Street is a pretty good place to watch a Spanish game, due to the fact that it gets so hot downstairs, it feels like you could cook paella in your pants.
Sweden
Swedish fans are always popular at international tournaments. STT was fortunate to be in Germany for the last World Cup, where we witnessed 3 hot Swedish ladies being eye-raped by a gaggle of crotch-grabbing Portugeezers who had only one thing on their mind. More strapping blondenordic types can be found at the Harcourt Arms in Marylebone, which is heavily influenced by the nearby Swedish embassy.
Switzerland
There aren't an overwhelming number of Swiss expats in London, nor are there many Swiss bars. One place that will be showing all of Switzerland's games is the beautiful Swiss Church in Covent Garden, which has staged similar events before. Although it's not technically a bar, we believe God is a drinker and wouldn't mind you smuggling tins of fizzy hops juice into His house.
Turkey
God may be a drinker and millions of His flock consume his son every Sunday, but it's a fair assumption that Allah is teetotal. Even though Turkey is a Muslim country, it's not as dry as others, but there is still a lack of Turkish watering holes in the capital. There are plenty of top notch cafes, restaurants and kebab shops, though, so it's best to wander down to your local kebabby with a telly.
If anyone manages to visit all these venues during the tournament, they will have our greatest respect. Everyone needs a drinking challenge now that Jeff Stelling's off our screens.
Hutton and King - after downing 7 bottles of Buckie
Mmmmmmashed
To celebrate winning the Carling Cup yesterday, Spurs players were encouraged by boss Juande Ramos to go out and enjoy themselves, and judging from these pictures they certainly did that! No, these were not taken after an all-day session playing Jeff Stelling’s Drinking Game, but rather at 2 am this morning outside London scumhole club Faces on Cranbrook Road
JJ - modelling the zombie look
Strict hardman Ramos joked yesterday: “I have had a drink with them in the dressing-room — even though you cannot tell. It’s quite a nice diet and sometimes they are allowed to have a good time. Sometimes it lets them eat and drink totally out of control — and yes, that includes champagne!”
Lennon - half the size, twice the fight
All in all, there’s no real content to this, it’s really just an excuse to post the below hilarious photo of Ledley King, it’s a big look!
Ledley fights to get to the bar for another round of nipple sambucas
SEXY UPDATE: Ledley actually got kicked out of the club and properly kicked off when he wasn't allowed back in. From STT's experience, bouncers are always happy to let you back into clubs once you've been kicked out. The old 'Mate, my wallet's in there' routine works every time. In Ledley's dreams.
Every part of it is surreal, from the inability of anyone to actually stay on their feet, to the frankly bizarre individually coloured old prison jumpsuits they all wear! Eagle-eyed viewers out there might also recognize the presenter of the show this clip is taken from as a young Beat Takeshi, famous for playing the teacher in 2000’s classic Battle Royale, as well as for directing the superb Zatoichimovie.
Rumour has it the England football team actually trained like this during the Euro 2008 qualifiying campaign which might go at least some way to explaining the miserable performances. Anyway, if you are free next weekend and want to truly do some damage to yourselves, please drop us a line at the usual address and come take part in our DOOMSDAY SATURDAY. We shall be playing the Jeff Stelling drinking challenge between the hours of 3 – 5 and then celebrating afterwards with a 90 match of binocular football on a full size pitch. Anyone who’s sick or has to sit down is officially a girl. All we need now is a volunteer to be that weird bunny thing in the tuxedo…
To quote the immortal George Best (R.I.P) - “I spent most of my money on women, drink and fast cars. The rest I squandered.” That’s what being a footballer is all about, not mincing around doing adverts for hair gel and cameos in Hollyoaks.
However, ex-Arsenal hero, part-time coke fiend and shadow MENSA member Paul Merson has basically hit rock bottom today from living the life, and STT finds no joy in that. The former millionaire, who once earned £20,000 a week, has now been forced to quit his plush £300,000 flat in upmarket Four Oaks, West Midlands, and move back into his parents' ex-council house after failing to pay his mortgage.
A close friend told The Mirror that “He's homeless, it's so bloody sad. At the age of nearly 40, considering all he's done and all the money he's earned, he's gone back to square one and the house where he was a teenager…He drinks, he gambles, he womanises. He's an addict in a mess.” To give you an idea of the extent of the problem, Merse once admitted to having splashed out £7 million on his addictions to alcohol, gambling and Peruvian marching powder over the years.
Although Merse still earns well from work on Sky Sports, and quite incredulously, on the after-dinner speaking circuit, all that comes in is just immediately squandered on his addictions. “He's living hand-to-mouth,” as the same friend succinctly put it to the press last night.
On top of mounting gambling debts, father-of-five Merson is still supporting his first wife Lorraine, and the couple's three teenage boys, as well as second wife Louise, and their six-year-old twins. This flat is just the latest in a series of items repossessed by the Lloyds Bank sack-full-of-doorknobs-wielding heavies, as last year in April Merse’s Range Rover was sold off at auction after he failed to keep up with the £900-a-month repayments.
For a guy who won the FA Cup, the European Cup Winner’s Cup, the League Cup, the League title, in addition to 21 caps for England, this is truly a tragic state of affairs. There’s a lesson here kids: if you’re gonna ‘invest’ 90% of your income in prozzies and blow, make sure you waste the other 10% in a high-interest savings account.
While recent STT coverage has waxed lyrical about the untapped potential of combining football with naked women, this game aims to remove any chance of seeing the latter by fueling the excitement of Saturday afternoon results with an incapacitating amount of alcohol.
So much is right about this game that it is a miracle that it hasn’t been rushed through the bureaucratic quagmire of the International Olympic Committee for inclusion in our 2012 event.
Below are a complete set of the rules but obviously they are all open to interpretation and substitution. Actually following this playbook word for word (i.e. a shot of beer for ever single goal scored on a Saturday) will almost certainly result in hospitalisation but if you’re man enough to do it, we’re man enough to put up pictures of you being sick on yourself!
Please note that the STT editorial staff shall be attempting this mammoth challenge in early February and the results shall be duly presented for all to see then…
You will need:
- a lined stomach
- twice your combined bodyweight in beer
- a bottle of Jagermeister
- a bottle of indiscriminate other spirit
- a bin / plastic bag / bucket to be sick into
- an understanding girlfriend
- a desire to remember nothing that happened on Saturday at all
- a willingness to lose teeth / end up in hospital once a week
General Rules
- Every time a goal is scored = 1 shot of beer
- Every sending off = 1 shot of Jager
- Half time = Absolutely no alcoholic beverages may be imbibed during this period
- Whenever Chris Kamara is talking, you must be constantly drinking
- Whenever Paul Merson uses stupid rhyming slang (i.e. “he's hit the beans on toast”!) = 1 shot of Jager
- In the second half, all teams can only be referred to by their nicknames and failure to do so results in a penalty of 3 shots of beer
- Whenever Swindon Town appear on the vidiprinter, the last person to shout out “Mackerel!” must do a shot of Jager
- Whenever Dundee appear on the vidiprinter, the last person to shout out “Football!” takes shot of Jager
- Whenever Northampton Town appear on the vidiprinter, the last person to shout out “Cobblers!” has to do a shot of Jager
- Every time your team score you have to do 2 extra shots of beer
- Every time Hartlepool score a goal = 3 shots of beer
- Every time James Brown scores for Hartlepool and Jeff does his “I feel good” dance a further shot must be consumed. Extra shots if any of the other guests join in
- Every time a pundit shouts off camera, for a goal or otherwise = 2 shots of beer
- Whenever Chris Kamara says “its unbelievable Jeff!” all drinks must be instantly downed
- Every time the team Keith is jokingly referred to as being just one guy = 1 shot of Jager
- Every time Brighton & Hove, or Daggenham & Redbridge are jokingly referred to as being two different teams playing the same opposition = 1 shot of Jager
- Every time anything bad happens to Craig Bellamy, Lee Bowyer or Joey Barton (injury, own goal, booked, sent off, arrested for murder etc) = 2 celebratory shots of the spirit of your choice
- Every time LeTiss is mentioned in connection with “a takeaway” = 1 shot of Jager
- Whenever the Carlos Tevez affair/scandal is mentioned = 1 shot of Jager
- Every time Phil Thompson says “Stevie Gerrard” you must consume 3 shots of beer
- Every time Matty Taylor and “Goal of the Season” are mentioned in the same sentence = 1 shot of Jager
- Every time Emmanuel Eboue or Jon Obi Mikel is involved in some sort of violent scuffle, a shot of spirits must be consumed
- Every time a commentator is struggling to speak over the drum player, or a band in general, a shot of spirits must be done
Advanced Rules
- Any hint of racism (casual or otherwise) from any of the pundits = Quad bombs (4 Jager shots + a redbull) all round
- Every time Jeff makes an “a Trialist” joke you must do 3 shots of beer
- Every time Jeff calls Kenny Deucher “The Good Doctor” = 1 shot of spirit
- Every time Jeff says “its Doom and Gloom at...” = 1 shot of Jager
- Every time Arbroath striker Kevin Webster scores and Jeff says “ohh, Sally will be pleased” = 1 shot of Jager
- Every time Exeter striker Adam Stansfield scores and Jeff says “oh Lisa will be pleased” = 1 shot of Jager
- Every time Kevin Nolan scores and Jeff says “oh his sisters will be pleased” = 1 shot of Jager
- Every time a team scores more that 5 goals take a shot of spirits for each supplementary goal
- If Jeff swears because Hartlepool are losing everyone involved must down their drinks
FA Cup Special Rules
In addition to all the above, further shots of Jager must be done upon hearing any of the following phrases:
- “That’s the magic of the cup”
- “Potential banana skin”
- “Who said the FA cup was dead?”
- “Giant killing”
- “And he’s a PLASTERER / PLUMBER / ELECTRICIAN etc by trade…”
- “They’ll be dancing in the streets of (Total Network Solutions etc) tonight!”
PRACTICE VIDEO
You can practice what you have larnt on this classic video, where Chris Kamara presents the eleven goal thriller between Portsmouth and Reading earlier this season:
I counted at least two 'unbelievables' there, as well as 2 goals over the 5 goal limit. That's at least 2 shots and 2 downed drinks to begin with, as well as supping constantly the 7 or 8 minutes that Kammy's in frame. Enjoy!
Props to the inspiration behind this post, the Facebook group of the same name as the title. Check them out online for pictures, movies, anecdotes and even the chance to buy special celebratory Jeff t-shirts and hoodies!
