Where to Watch Euro 2008 in London

As has been thrust down the throat of every sports page reader in the country, there will be no representation at Euro 2008 from the British Isles. This sad fact shouldn't hinder the fun to be had while watching the football, as plenty of nations with alcoholic tendencies are going to be playing and, well, drinking. Since STT is London based and lacking a team to cheer for, we thought it would be a good idea to go down the local tapas bar or bierkeller and soak up the atmosphere with a different bunch of national fans, but it turns out that a number of random pubs in town have nailed their colours to some very bizarre flagpoles:

Austria

Austrian fans will be found in their tens watching their team get their arse handed to them at The Crown and Two Chairmen on Dean Street, one of Soho's more notorious thoroughfares. Why the Austrians have chosen one of the better known pubs in Soho is not clear, but it's certain that they can get a cheery rub-and-tug in any of the adjoining flats offering 'new models'.

Croatia

Out of all the countries represented at Euro 2008, Croatia probably boasts the smallest expat community living in London. Their isn't a defined Croatian area of the capital, nor are there any clear Croatian bars, but one ex-Hammer may swell the ranks of Eastern Europeans moving to the East End - one Slaven Bilic. This is pure speculation, but it would be great to see the chain-smoking metal playing geezer in charge at Upton Park. You can join the locals down the Boleyn Tavern near the stadium, watch the game, talk about the great man and then meet the ICF!

Czech Republic

Where better to join the Czechs than in Bar Prague? It's in the heart of Shoreditch, where it's possible to get anything or anyone if you ask the right guy on the street!

France

If you fancy joining the French fans in cheering on sulky men, then head down to The Fulham Tup this weekend, which is right by the epicentre of French snootiness in West London - Stamford Bridge.

Germany

If it's some knackwurst that you fancy as you cheer on the bildesmannschaft, then the only place to go is the Bavarian Beer House on City Road, again in Shoreditch. Here, the wenches are buxom and the beers most quaffable.

Greece

Watching a game with Greeks is a bit like having electricity run through your gentials - it's an unpleasant experience, but some people love it. There are plenty of Greek places to enjoy the reigning champions play (expect to hear that fact over and over again) while drinking retsina and avoiding broken crockery, but The Real Greek in Clerkenwell is one of the classiest.

Italy

Where else could you support the Azzurri in London other than Bar Italia, on Frith Street in Soho? The Italian quarter in London is nothing compared to some cities, but so much is crammed into such a small space. The Nastro Azzuro will be flowing and the hand gesticulation will be massive, as seen by the incredible scenes here as Italy won the World Cup.

The Netherlands

If you want to watch the Netherlands play Italy on Monday night, but don't fancy joining the world cup holders, then head down to the Lord Wolsley on White Lion Street in Islington, where the Arsenal supporting landlord has converted his pub into the most orange place in the world.

Poland

A number of newspapers and organisations have suggested that Brits support Poland, due to the number of Poles living in the UK, making it the closest to a 'home side' at the tournament. A number of pubs around the capital will have a massive Polish element during games, but it's likely that the focus will be the Polo-Disney vodka haunt near Holborn called Na Zdrowie.

Portugal

Stockwell in South London is home to a large Portuguese community, numbering up to 27,000 people. There are plenty of great bars and eateries along the South Lambeth Road, but we recommend Cantinho de Portugal for food, football and Cristiano worship.

Romania

Romanians will undoubtedly flock to 32 Old Bailey, near Smithfield market for their games. This classy place should be rammed during all 3 of Romania's games in the tournament, as they struggle to qualify from the Group of Death.

Russia

Unless you're watching the game with an oligarch with a helicopter, there isn't much choice for a Russian supporting fan in London. The only true Russian themed bar in London is the cleverly named A10 on the A10 (The Kingsland Road in Shoreditch), where the vodka flows freely and the Soviet decor is dusty.

Spain

The hordes of Spanish tourists in London are an annual bain to anyone wanting to get anywhere, but they are tolerated, if not welcomed. Bradley's Spanish Bar just off Oxford Street is a pretty good place to watch a Spanish game, due to the fact that it gets so hot downstairs, it feels like you could cook paella in your pants.

Sweden

Swedish fans are always popular at international tournaments. STT was fortunate to be in Germany for the last World Cup, where we witnessed 3 hot Swedish ladies being eye-raped by a gaggle of crotch-grabbing Portugeezers who had only one thing on their mind. More strapping blonde nordic types can be found at the Harcourt Arms in Marylebone, which is heavily influenced by the nearby Swedish embassy.

Switzerland

There aren't an overwhelming number of Swiss expats in London, nor are there many Swiss bars. One place that will be showing all of Switzerland's games is the beautiful Swiss Church in Covent Garden, which has staged similar events before. Although it's not technically a bar, we believe God is a drinker and wouldn't mind you smuggling tins of fizzy hops juice into His house.

Turkey

God may be a drinker and millions of His flock consume his son every Sunday, but it's a fair assumption that Allah is teetotal. Even though Turkey is a Muslim country, it's not as dry as others, but there is still a lack of Turkish watering holes in the capital. There are plenty of top notch cafes, restaurants and kebab shops, though, so it's best to wander down to your local kebabby with a telly.

If anyone manages to visit all these venues during the tournament, they will have our greatest respect. Everyone needs a drinking challenge now that Jeff Stelling's off our screens.

Grove Street

Hands up who remembers Perry Groves. He was a very bizarre looking ginger gentleman who played for Arsenal for six years starting in 1986. The ex-winger, now 43, won two league championship medals and a league cup medal without even really threatening to contribute. Now he’s back in the game…metaphorically speaking of course.

Mr Groves has sky-rocketed back into the news (and maybe some peoples’ hearts) this week after being arrested by police for, get this, using foul and abusive language. I have never been so appalled in my life. I mean its one thing hearing a tramp by the underground calling a hamburger wrapper “a faggot,” but to hear of such behaviour from a role model for children around the world? I am flabbergasted. He has been given a fixed penalty notice after being arrested in the centre of his glamorous hometown of Colchester, but seriously the only way to cut down on such behaviour is to stick offenders on prison ships and float them out to the high-seas to fight to the death for food.

A police spokeswoman said today: “Police issued a 43-year-old man from Colchester with a fixed penalty notice for a Section 5 public order offence of using abusive and insulting words and behaviour, likely to cause harassment.” Unfortunately we have no insight into what exactly he said, but word on the street is that it was sexually-threatening in a bestial sense, and involved the infamous ‘c-word.’ Under new legislation police fines for such offences range from £50 to £80, and can be issued for a variety of horrible hooliganistic acts including littering, creating a nuisance by causing noise, throwing fireworks and being drunk. No word on whether gun crime or drug dealing are covered by these anti-social behaviour laws but I reckon we’ll get there eventually.

Groves, who also played for Colchester and Southampton, is apparently now a sales representative and soccer pundit, while also moonlighting as a writer. Two years ago Groves, whose career was cut short in 1995 by an achilles tendon injury, wrote an acclaimed autobiography called We All Live in a Perry Groves World, lifting the lid on his boozy antics while part of the Arsenal team with Tony Adams and Paul Merson. “Arsenal's position at the top of soccer's hard-drinking league is fully justified,” he wrote, “I was a member of the serious drinking squad. When Anders Limpar joined Arsenal, he just shook his head at the way some of us would drink seven or eight pints after a game or a training session.” He also mentioned that after seeing Groves actually play, everything fell into place.

The World Conquering Jeff Stelling's Super Special Soccer Saturday Drinking Game

While recent STT coverage has waxed lyrical about the untapped potential of combining football with naked women, this game aims to remove any chance of seeing the latter by fueling the excitement of Saturday afternoon results with an incapacitating amount of alcohol.

So much is right about this game that it is a miracle that it hasn’t been rushed through the bureaucratic quagmire of the International Olympic Committee for inclusion in our 2012 event.

Below are a complete set of the rules but obviously they are all open to interpretation and substitution. Actually following this playbook word for word (i.e. a shot of beer for ever single goal scored on a Saturday) will almost certainly result in hospitalisation but if you’re man enough to do it, we’re man enough to put up pictures of you being sick on yourself!

Please note that the STT editorial staff shall be attempting this mammoth challenge in early February and the results shall be duly presented for all to see then…

You will need:

- a lined stomach

- twice your combined bodyweight in beer

- a bottle of Jagermeister

- a bottle of indiscriminate other spirit

- a bin / plastic bag / bucket to be sick into

- an understanding girlfriend

- a desire to remember nothing that happened on Saturday at all

- a willingness to lose teeth / end up in hospital once a week

General Rules

- Every time a goal is scored = 1 shot of beer

- Every sending off = 1 shot of Jager

- Half time = Absolutely no alcoholic beverages may be imbibed during this period

- Whenever Chris Kamara is talking, you must be constantly drinking

- Whenever Paul Merson uses stupid rhyming slang (i.e. “he's hit the beans on toast”!) = 1 shot of Jager

- In the second half, all teams can only be referred to by their nicknames and failure to do so results in a penalty of 3 shots of beer

- Whenever Swindon Town appear on the vidiprinter, the last person to shout out “Mackerel!” must do a shot of Jager

- Whenever Dundee appear on the vidiprinter, the last person to shout out “Football!” takes shot of Jager

- Whenever Northampton Town appear on the vidiprinter, the last person to shout out “Cobblers!” has to do a shot of Jager

- Every time your team score you have to do 2 extra shots of beer

- Every time Hartlepool score a goal = 3 shots of beer

- Every time James Brown scores for Hartlepool and Jeff does his “I feel good” dance a further shot must be consumed. Extra shots if any of the other guests join in

- Every time a pundit shouts off camera, for a goal or otherwise = 2 shots of beer

- Whenever Chris Kamara says “its unbelievable Jeff!” all drinks must be instantly downed

- Every time the team Keith is jokingly referred to as being just one guy = 1 shot of Jager

- Every time Brighton & Hove, or Daggenham & Redbridge are jokingly referred to as being two different teams playing the same opposition = 1 shot of Jager

- Every time anything bad happens to Craig Bellamy, Lee Bowyer or Joey Barton (injury, own goal, booked, sent off, arrested for murder etc) = 2 celebratory shots of the spirit of your choice

- Every time LeTiss is mentioned in connection with “a takeaway” = 1 shot of Jager

- Whenever the Carlos Tevez affair/scandal is mentioned = 1 shot of Jager

- Every time Phil Thompson says “Stevie Gerrard” you must consume 3 shots of beer

- Every time Matty Taylor and “Goal of the Season” are mentioned in the same sentence = 1 shot of Jager

- Every time Emmanuel Eboue or Jon Obi Mikel is involved in some sort of violent scuffle, a shot of spirits must be consumed

- Every time a commentator is struggling to speak over the drum player, or a band in general, a shot of spirits must be done

Advanced Rules

- Any hint of racism (casual or otherwise) from any of the pundits = Quad bombs (4 Jager shots + a redbull) all round

- Every time Jeff makes an “a Trialist” joke you must do 3 shots of beer

- Every time Jeff calls Kenny Deucher “The Good Doctor” = 1 shot of spirit

- Every time Jeff says “its Doom and Gloom at...” = 1 shot of Jager

- Every time Arbroath striker Kevin Webster scores and Jeff says “ohh, Sally will be pleased” = 1 shot of Jager

- Every time Exeter striker Adam Stansfield scores and Jeff says “oh Lisa will be pleased” = 1 shot of Jager

- Every time Kevin Nolan scores and Jeff says “oh his sisters will be pleased” = 1 shot of Jager

- Every time a team scores more that 5 goals take a shot of spirits for each supplementary goal

- If Jeff swears because Hartlepool are losing everyone involved must down their drinks

FA Cup Special Rules

In addition to all the above, further shots of Jager must be done upon hearing any of the following phrases:

- “That’s the magic of the cup”

- “Potential banana skin”

- “Who said the FA cup was dead?”

- “Giant killing”

- “And he’s a PLASTERER / PLUMBER / ELECTRICIAN etc by trade…”

- “They’ll be dancing in the streets of (Total Network Solutions etc) tonight!”

PRACTICE VIDEO

You can practice what you have larnt on this classic video, where Chris Kamara presents the eleven goal thriller between Portsmouth and Reading earlier this season:

I counted at least two 'unbelievables' there, as well as 2 goals over the 5 goal limit. That's at least 2 shots and 2 downed drinks to begin with, as well as supping constantly the 7 or 8 minutes that Kammy's in frame. Enjoy!

Props to the inspiration behind this post, the Facebook group of the same name as the title. Check them out online for pictures, movies, anecdotes and even the chance to buy special celebratory Jeff t-shirts and hoodies!