Americans Know Nothing

Continuing the excellently homogenous style that STT is quickly becoming synonymous with, we stay in America today to highlight the press unveiling of one of English football’s unsung heroes. For those of you outside of East Anglia, it probably slid under the radar that ex-Norwich winger Darren Huckerby was tragically snubbed a contract extension this summer and basically forced out of the club he’s supported all his life. Rather than slowly expire in the Championship for a club he hates, Hucks decided to jump ship to the footballing behemoths that are the San Jose Earthquakes.

Appearing this weekend on local TV station, the futuristically-named KRON 4, Hucks was interviewed by ‘celebrity’ presenter Gary Radnich. You can watch the whole segment for yourself down here, but first read these prime slices of misguided quotage that show just how little the Yanks know about ‘soccer’ and how impressively poor their TV researchers apparently are…

Gary Radnich: He is an English legend just acquired by the San Jose Earthquakes. Look at this, if you go on the internet, Huckerby is his name. Darren is standing by, just has [sic] arrived in this country. He is a legend and, er, we will see how legendary he is with an interview. Darren, can you handle it?

Darren Huckerby: I'll do my best.

GR: OK my friend, he's a legend, next.

[Commercial break]

GR: We weren't joking, San Jose Earthquakes have just acquired Darren Hucker… er, Huckerby. He's one of the great stars from England. We will roll some of the tape and show you this man in action.

When you go on the internet, he is a terrific star, look at this stuff [video footage of Huckerby playing for Norwich City], he's got scoring ability, experience, talent, he comes from the Nor-folk team, for the last five years staring in North East England, scoring 34 goals at Norwich, just to be correct, thanks for whoever put that in, whoever put Nor-folk in start packing [laughs].

GR: OK, have you heard about this, I'm sure you have, let me set up for the audience, you supposedly, according to the internet and our international sources, are responsible for the greatest goal ever. You know what I'm talking about?

DH: Err… I don't know about that, I scored a couple of good goals…

GR: It was against Manchester.

DH: Yeah, it was a few years ago…

[Unbeknown to Darren, the viewers are shown his goal against Birmingham]

GR: We are looking at it here, man you are weaving through everybody.

DH: Yeah, like I say, it was quite a long time ago. David Beckham was playing in the other team. It was nice to win the game.

GR: I just watched it. It's the second greatest I have seen.

DH: No, it's probably in the top 100…

GR: Do you like Victoria Beckham?

DH: She seems OK to me, yeah.

GR: [Laughs] I'm just playing with you. Are you a married man, do you have a famous girlfriend we can do anything to promote?

DH: Not really, no, I'm married but she's not a pop singer, it's too late for her, she's too old.

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GR: The big soccer story at the moment is that Ronaldinho has signed for AC Milan and is going to be paid $3.4m. Is that similar to what the Earthquakes are paying you?

DH: I think we tried to get him here first but I came instead, so what can you say?

Thanks to the Canaries’ fansite, the Pink Un, for the transcript. God I love American TV.