Ronnie in Pieces after Tranny Encounter

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Chicks with Dicks

It’s one thing being busted by the filth for getting a suckjob off a street-walker in Sainsburys’ car-park, but it’s a whole different kettle of fish being pinched with prozzies who are actually men. We’ve all been there, and you just have to laugh it off, but alas, if you’re in the public eye, that’s not really an option. Spare a thought then for Brazilian megastar Ronaldo, who was this week caught up in a sex tornado with three cross-dressers in his home town. Having dropped off his girlfriend at her house in Rio de Janeiro on Monday night, the injured super-striker did what any man does when his bird is surfing the crimson wave and picked up a few prostitutes. Just the three mind, which is unusually restrained for players of his name, so presumably the big guy was feeling a bit tired.

However, when they all booked into a really upmarket motel in Rio’s slum district, the AC Milan forward had a bit of a Crying Game moment when they flashed him their meat and two (six?) veg. Now according to local police reports, he alleges that the trannies then tried to extort money from him, to stop them from revealing what happened to the press. Rio police superintendent Carlos Augusto Nogueira said Ronaldo “reported that Andreia Albertine had taken his car documents and demanded $30,000” for their safe return, along with the group’s silence. Nogueira added that “Ronaldo admits the facts. He said he just wanted to amuse himself, that's not a crime. To pay to have sexual relations isn't illegal,” concluding that, “there's a strong chance that Ronaldo has been the victim of extortion.” Brilliantly, under Brazilian law, being a pimp on the streets or running a brothel are both illegal, but the actual act of prostitution itself is not, so Nogueira finished by saying that, at worst, Ronaldo was being “immoral.”

On the other hand though one of the prostitutes, Ms/Mr Albertine, who you definitely wouldn’t guess was born a man, was quoted in the Brazilian press yesterday as saying that Ronaldo had threatened to hit her/him when he discovered that he was a victim of false advertising. The merry band have also cooked up a bit of a drug scandal too, claiming that Ronaldo was both on drugs, and also trying to score more drugs off them. In a statement released today Big Ron denied ever using narcotics of any kind, and further reiterated that he was a victim of extortion. Earlier in the year, he was also a victim of a car-jacking in Rio, when strangely his bright red Ferrari attracted some attention from the local hoodlums. He was robbed at a traffic light, but upon realising who he was, the pint-sized gangsters apologised and returned his phone, but still sped off in the hot wheels.

Moral of the story is that Brazil can be a bit dicey, even if you’re a national hero; keep your hand on your wallet at all times, and always check your whore has the right gear downstairs before paying her.

We Don’t Exactly Like You Either Mate

Thanks to The Spoiler for alerting us to this quite unbelievable piece of idiocy from mega-flop Liverpool striker Andriy Voronin. Speaking to a Russian newspaper this week, he aimed his vitriolic sights at pretty much every aspect of British culture, moaning about how shit his life currently is compared to his glory days last year in Germany with Bayern Leverkeusen. When you start with this opening gambit, you can expect the odd bit of backchat from basically everyone in this country:

“Compared with Germany, England is far behind in terms of comfort and culture”

It gets worse though as the Ukranian then described our fair country as being like a lawless open prison compared to the idyllic serenity that is Germany, where everyone leaves their doors open at night, and children visiting old men to play leapfrog isn’t nearly as sinister as it sounds. Whistfully recalling his potentially drug-induced time in Leverkeusen, Voronin basically misses being the Magical Man from Happy-Land, enjoying his gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane:

“Five out of the seven houses near us are occupied by footballers. Steve Gerrard was burgled recently so a police patrol car comes into our compound fairly often. We hear police sirens all the time. Leverkusen, by contrast, was so much quieter.”

Ok, so rating Germany above England in terms of culture? Check. Describing this country as a crime-filled cesspit where he’s afraid to go outside without police protection? Check. What’s next then…ah yes, the horrible Scouse accent, that definitely won’t ruffle any feathers in your supporter base:

“[Learning] English isn’t the main problem. The main thing is to learn to understand the local players like Gerrard and Carragher. They speak with some peculiar local accent and sometimes I have absolutely no clue what the guys are saying. Many foreign players have the same problem.”

Oh also finally, we’re apparently yet to discover the practice of medicine, and he hates that we don’t make him pay for it:

“The medical services here are poor. When I was in Germany, there were lots of good clinics and doctors. It is nothing like that here - when our child had a skin allergy we waited hours for the doctor to see him. When we finally got to see a doctor, he said he didn’t know how to treat children and to try rubbing in this ointment. That was it. I was stunned. As a result my wife had to go back to Odessa with him and took a full set of tests there.”

Ok so the NHS ain’t all that, fair cop, but you know Andriy with all that lovely money you get given for running about for an hour 5 times a week you could probably afford private healthcare? Kudos for having faith in our ‘system,’ but pretty naïve.

So how do at STT feel about Mr Voronin’s somewhat inflammatory comments? Well there’s a very simple way to sidestep all of the aforementioned complaints Andriy: if you love Germany so much, why don’t you fuck off back over there then? I guarantee no-one will miss you, your shit hair-cut or your post-op tranny of a wife.