Safety First Kids

Often when approaching real life sex with a girl you have to make a difficult choice between club loyalty and using a recognised method of contraception; you either wrap your scarf around your piece in the ultimate show of allegiance, or you bottle it and use an actual condom. Burnley football fans rejoice however because apparently this troubled times are now well and truly behind you!

As part of a drive to encourage a responsible attitude to sex in Lancashire (I think that’s where Burnley is), the club will be giving away free branded condoms at the ground. Presumably this involves the club colours, but rumours have been bouncing around the STT office that the prophylactics will actually each feature one of the players’ or backroom staff’s faces, with kids encouraged to collect the whole team in the style of a Panani sticker album.

The club’s social liaison officer had these sensible words: “Due to the reported rise in STIs, there needs to be a radical and creative approach to ‘normalising’ condomas use and we hope that as well as seeing the fun side, supporters will recognise the serious message behind using Burnley FC-branded condoms.”

Bizarrely though, there two conditions for receiving the freebies; fans must be under 25 and they must complete a chlamydia screening. How incredibly pointless! No-one under 25 cares enough to use condoms, and if you already have chlamydia, then again, why would you bother bagging up!

Thanks to The Spoiler for a guiding hand on this one.