Sulk Hard With A Vengeance

Ok, hands up who wants to see Nicolas Anelka in a movie. Yep, thought so. Well apparently the man affectionately known as ‘Le Sulk’ has aspirations to not only be a stand-up comedian (seriously), but also now a Hollywood movie star. Now far be it from me to deny his natural charisma and charming personality, but really Nicolas??

He told close pals that his hero is Bruce Willis (don’t blame him) and that he would like to follow in the footsteps of Vinnie Jones. Now if that’s really true, I’m sure he won’t have many problems finding someone to glass him, but as far as aping someone’s film career, I’m not sure if Vinnie is exactly the paradigm he was once thought to be.

Anelka dribbled modestly: “I’ve already appeared in a film called Le Boulet, which a friend of mine produced.” Yes Nicolas, you really stretched yourself there playing ‘Nicolas, the soccer player.’ Anelka continued: “After football, maybe we will see an Oscar in the Anelka trophy cabinet. I like action men. I think I’d like to be the bad man in a movie. Like Vinnie Jones? Ha ha! He’s good.”

Obscure South American of the Week Dieciséis

Name – Hugo Rodallega Martinez

Affiliation – Necaxa

Reason for Coolness – He has hair like a mid-90s gangsta rapper

Reason for Obscurity – He has hair like a mid-90s gangsta rapper

Young Hugo is currently making headlines with a move to join Steve Bruce’s South American revolution at Wigan apparently on the cards early next year, after impressing for Mexican outfit Necaxa over the last two years. Originally from Columbia, Senor Rodallega announced his arrival on the scene a few years ago when he became the all time top goal scorer of the South American qualification for the FIFA U-20 World Cup, scoring 11 goals in just 9 games.

A nice little debut season for home team Deportes Quindio produced a rather healthy haul of 31 goals in 32 games, earning a (ahem) dream move to the Mexican top flight. After pretty uninspiring spells at Monterrey and the awesomely-named Atlas, Hugo moved to Necaxa for the 2007 Apertura and made an instant impact with 9 goals in 15 games. Since joining the central Mexico outfit he has averaged almost a goal every other game, and subsequently bagged a spot in the improving Columbian national team.

So we’re looking forward to seeing him at the JJB in January then, if you believe the press reports, he looks like he could do a pretty decent job alongside the quality of Zaki, Palacios and Valencia.

Finally, here’s him scoring a pretty sweet goal last season and celebrating with an even sweeter dance. Sorry, this is literally the only video I could find:

I Need Japanese Steel

Thanks to The Spoiler for the heads up on this story, which kind of puts one of Joey Barton’s recent indiscretions into perspective a bit. Last year, former Werder Bremen heartthrob Thorsten Legat got into a little spot of bother outside a McDonalds, and rather than take the Barton punching route, he decided that things had escalated way past the stage where fists would suffice.

Legat was allegedly in his car with his wife when he was threatened by a group of ruffians, who clearly did not realize that the man is built like an army transport vehicle. Well, one thing lead to another, and Legat pulled a samurai sword from his boot! Quite why he was carrying an actual sword is up for debate, but what is clear is that in the ensuing row he managed to somehow injure the head of one of the hoodies. Since yesterday he was forced to pay 1,000 Euros in compensation, he presumably didn’t actually cut the pikey’s head off…

Pick On Someone Your Own Size!

Apologies folks, we’ve let you down; you see, in compiling our ultimate rundown of footballers’ Christmas parties earlier in the week we missed off one vital event. Former Chelsea player Tony Cascarino recalled to The Independent recently what went down in 1991 when amazingly Vinnie Jones was left unchecked to organise things. The location was a West London pub and the theme just a good old fashioned lock in; players only, no other staff, and training pre-emptively cancelled the next day.

So what ace did Vinnie have up his sleeves? A dwarf-tossing contest inside the pub. Yes, you read that right: an inter-team competition to see who could throw a vertically challenged adult the furthest. However, when only two dwarfs walked through the door, Vinnie was unsurprisingly perturbed: “Oi, what's your game? We've paid for three, not two!” One of them replied: “Oh, the other one got injured when he was thrown into a load of chairs at a gig the other day.” That is a sentence I definitely thought I’d never have to type.

The Chelsea boys apparently just cracked up, with a couple reasonably suggesting: “What about Wisey [Dennis Wise] making up the third one!” Anyway, faced with having to accept that explanation, Vinnie pointed at one of the dwarfs and said: “Ere, I fucking recognise you, don't I? You were the one I met when I appeared on that television programme, weren't you?” Apparently he was spot on, as the dwarf replied: “Yes, Vinnie, you were the one who tried to throw me in the water!”

The dwarves’ next step was to erect a bouncy castle, which had a sticky velcro wall, and put a mattress on the floor. They then reportedly strapped themselves into velcro suits and prepared to be, ahem, tossed. Cascarino remembers some of the players having difficulty getting the dwarves to stick to the velcro wall after a couple of jars. “They were heavier than I expected,” he quipped.

Why doesn’t this kind of stuff happen these days still? Damn you health & safety and political correctness!

Oh Fuck Off, It’s Christmas

Inspired by this simply amazing photo of young Giovanni Dos Santos charming all the ladies at Spurs’ recent Christmas bash, we endevoured to dredge through the history books and dig out some of the more famous incidents from the past. Thankfully though, The Mirror had the same idea, so what follows is pretty much just ripped off from them. Still guys, I guess at least someone might read it now eh?

Celtic (2002)

After their 2001 party ended with Neil Lennon unceremoniously smashing his head on a kerb in Glasgow, Celtic decided to head south of the border this year in “an effort to avoid attention.” And it was all going so well too, until that is a load of photographers turned up at up-scale Gateshead eatery Buffalo Joe’s, and Neil Lennon, Bobby Petta, Johan Mjallby and Joos Valgaeren decided it was time to punch someone. Subsequently the four spent the night in police custody.

Leeds (2001)

Remember when Leeds were both full of young British talent and also good? Well if you don’t, it was around this time. On paper this sounds literally perfect – a 10-hour Wild West-themed fancy dress pub crawl – and the execution certainly didn’t disappoint. The club hired five security guards to follow the 30 or so players around the city in an attempt to prevent any trouble, but never fear, you can always count on Robbie Fowler to kick off. He duly cracked a photographer and smashed his camera. Good lad.

West Ham (2001)

I doubt anyone actually knows who Hayden Foxe is, but all you need to know is that he’s ginger and Australian. Anyway, after dropping the best part of £2,000 in the VIP section of London’s Sugar Reed bar, Foxe decided he was too famous to be bound by stupid conventional labels like ‘lounge’ and ‘toilet,’ so promptly took a huge piss all over the bar. Pretty smooth. He was let go by the Hammers soon after.

AGF Arhus (2004)

Stig Tofting is a truly great name, and he more than lived up to its scrapping promise by having a rather good time out with the AGF Arhus lads shortly after joining them. After a mix-up where his shirt got torn, Stig decided the best way to bond with his new team-mates was to start throwing punches. He subsequently knocked four of them spark out. What a legend.

Liverpool (1998)

As STT’s favourite ever photo of Parrott Crouch proves, the Liverpool lads love a good dress-up, and even in the pre-Crouch days they didn’t mess about. A decade ago Jaime Carragher really outdid himself though by dressing as the Hunchback of Notre Dame, covering himself in strippers, and then covering all of them in whipped cream. Incredible. According to a genuine report in the NOTW at the time, Michael Owen just stood uncomfortably in the corner, while Paul Ince chilled out with the DJ looking “concerned.”

Leicester City (2001)

I just love that no-one thought that a Christmas piss-up involving Dennis Wise and Robbie Savage might end badly. It kicked off when Wise allegedly presented Savage with a teddy bear impaled on a dildo and told him: “Take this, because you're the only prick in a Leicester shirt at the moment.” Pretty strange comment, but I think the intent was clear. Not one to back down, Savage responded by smearing chocolate on Wise’s face and suggesting that him and Dave Bassett were, ahem, special friends. Wise duly responded with some crude sexual remarks about Savage’s then-girlfriend before it was fisticuff time.

Manchester City (2004)

In a quite famous and much-lamented incident, Joey Barton had a pretty good time at this bash. Word is that the ever-charming Joey was going around boasting about his hugely inflated wage, and attempting to make holes in the other players’ fancy dress costumes with a lit cigar. Youth player Jamie Tandy strangely took offence to this and tried to light Barton’s outfit with a cigarette lighter. Barton’s reasonable response? Stubbing said cigar out in the 18-year-old’s eye, almost permanently blinding him. He’s a sweetheart isn’t he?

Manchester United (2007)

You have to do something pretty special at a Christmas lash-up to get your boss to officially ban all future festive parties. And that’s exactly what Manchester United managed to collectively do last year. Conceptually it was just perfect: the night started with a 15-hour pub crawl and Rio Ferdinand was left in charge of organising entertainment, a task at which he did not disappoint by hand-picking 80 (eighty!) tarts to accompany them. First of all Wayne Rooney, while strumming a pretend plastic guitar, unknowingly chatted up a journalist with the immortal line: “I'm dressed like Justin Timberlake tonight – and you can be Beyonce.” What does that even mean Wayne?! Anyway, things kind of turned when the party went upstairs to the rooms and one of the bevy of beauties described a “vile” orgy, during which the men shrieked “like hyenas.” Oh, and 19-year-old Johnny Evans was also arrested on suspicion of rape. To be honest though, I’ve never had a bad night out that’s ended in accusations of sexual assault.

Happy Bidet

And the strange groin-area-related stories continue apparently, and yet again I don’t really understand how a grown-up could have actually said this. Meet Napoli president and movie producer Aurelio De Laurentiis, who looks kind of like Alan Sugar but a bit more rape-y. In case you care he’s responsible (and by that I mean, he paid for) such luminary silver screen works as Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, while his more-famous uncle Dino De Laurentiis bank-rolled the Hannibal Lector movies among others.

Anyway, the point here is that there are many rumours flying around Italy at the moment that half the Napoli squad are looking to flee his iron-fisted rule for our fine shores. De Laurentiis had this bizarrely incongruous retort:

“We made these players — two years ago nobody knew who they were. If they want to go to England then in the end they’re going to go, but they need to understand this: the English live badly, eat badly and their women do not wash their genitalia. To them, a bidet is a mystery.”

Er, what? We don’t actually still live in the Dark Ages Mr De Laurentiis, we have running water and Pret-a-Mangers and everything. I can also assure you that, to every girl I’ve hooked up with this week at least, the bidet is certainly not a mystery.

One for the Boys who like Boys

I don’t really know what to make of this, it’s just generally a pretty weird story. According to reports in the Italian press today a new team-mate of David Beckham is openly very keen to check out his package. AC Milan striker Marco Borriello said:

“I must admit I have a dressing room curiosity over Beckham. I want to see if he is equipped as he is in the Armani underwear adverts.”

Sorry Marco but you do realize you said that out-loud right? In front of a man with a clever little box that records what you say. Who works for a national newspaper.

Rip the Head off that C**nt’s Barbie Doll!!

It seems like just the other day that we were lamenting about the lack of decent hooligan stories, and then bang, a load of them fall onto our desks all at once. It appears that late last year more than 30 of Crystal Palace’s gamest lads rushed Charlton Athletic fans on a train between Sydenham and Penge East stations, in what has hyperbolically been dubbed a “pre-planned riot.” Thing is though, rather than targeting specifically the Charlton firm, they mashed up a load of regular passengers. Casualties not listed in the media reports include a woman who had her jaw broken, and a little girl of 10-years-old who was treated for facial injuries. Pretty hardcore eh? As a result, some people got understandably a bit upset, and several top boys are now facing up to four years on lockdown.

A jury heard that the mob banged on train windows and threw bottles as the train arrived at Sydenham station, while a roar went up as they boarded the first two carriages, immediately attacking people. They reportedly chanted “kill them,” which seems a bit extreme, and “get off our manor,” which to be fair is perfectly reasonable. Witnesses helpfully described the violence as “pandemonium,” as if “all hell had broken loose.” And what did the two clubs say? A Crystal Palace FC spokesman offered this: “In support of the police the club will be banning for life all and any of the offenders who masquerade as football supporters of Crystal Palace Football Club.” Charlton Athletic Football Club operations director Mick Everett meanwhile said the attack was “an act of contemptible thuggery carried out by mindless idiots.”

Meet the Mindless idiots then. Clive Taylor, Carl Thomas, Darren Bush, Andrew Spicer and Bobby Kennett, all between 30 and 50 years old, and 21-year-old Ashley White, were all found guilty of violent disorder this month. Christmas cards for Taylor, Thomas, Bush, White and Spicer can now be sent Belmarsh, while Kennett actually bought the farm last month before the hearing so, I dunno, send his widow a bouquet maybe if you really must.

The lads were all part of Palace’s quite shitly-named Dirty 30 crew, who, as you can see from here, aren’t too good with computers and that. Anyway, a little bit of superficial research revealed that this Carl Thomas chap is actually a drum and bass MC, known as Flux. Now I don’t know quite how it works these days, but I think ‘street cred’ can be worked out using a simple algorithm, where can achieve a balance between being a good MC and being a good criminal. That is to say, you’re fine to get away with being a shit MC if you carry guns and properly kill people, but you have to be an amazing MC to get away with something as wet as punching a woman and a child. Lucky for Flux then that he constantly drops heavyweight sick bars, innit fam.

In what is a cruel, cruel irony, it seems that all these lads will be sharing jail space with plenty of Charlton’s own top boys, still incarcerated from 2002’s Maze Hill riot. No doubt when lads like Dave ‘Three Lions’ Walker get wind of what the Dirty 30 did, Thomas et al will be biting the pillow, or whatever hip gay rape euphemism is ‘in’ at the moment.

Gameweek 17 - Stone the Coles

Happy Monday to one and all, after a weekend that saw clubs festively playing out scoreless draws and the big 4 all charitably drawing, to leave the top 3 unchanged.

Gareth Southgate’s record against Arsenal in his 2 and a bit years of management has been excellent, drawing 3 games and winning one. The early kickoff at the Riverside on Saturday wasn’t a game for the neutral, but saw a couple of goals. Adebayor’s opener fell straight to him from a corner, but a nice header from Arsenal reject Jeremie Aliadiere levelled it up and was the cue for much chest thumping and badge kissing from the sprightly Frenchman.

Villa's great win over a slugging Bolton took them to 4th in the table, after an excellent performance from both sides. Ashley Young and Gabriel Agbonlahor both proved to be virtually unplayable, while Villa's midfield purred under the direction of Gareth Barry. The pick of the goals has to be Agbonlahor's, collecting a long ball and smashing home like he didn't care.

A triumvirate of thumpings were dealt out by Sunderland, Wigan and Newcastle, over the pummelled West Brom, Blackburn and Portsmouth respectively. Sunderland, under interim manager Ricky Sbragia turned on the class, with Kenwyne Jones returning to form with a brace of goals after getting laid the fuck out by David James 6 months ago. Conversely, Paul Ince’s position looks increasingly untenable, after a Wilson Palacios inspired Wigan tormented a shaky Blackburn defence, which shipped 3 goals, including a cheeky Emile Heskey backheel. Newcastle also scored 3 against a woeful Pompey, who had 12 shots off target in a chilly Fratton Park encounter, the pick of them being Michael Owen's lovely chip, which will surely add another million pounds onto his inevitable transfer fee in January.

In other games, Stoke had a thrilling encounter with Fulham, which ended 0-0 and Manchester City's slide down the table continued, after a strikerless Everton side scored in injury time. West Ham's Craig Bellamy scored the first goal in a decent encounter at Stamford Bridge, but the Hammers couldn't do anything about Anelka's reply, although they held on for a very creditable draw.

Goal of the Week

It has to be Heskey's effort, even if he didn't mean it. The big striker, whose ball control has been likened to a Disney character on frozen water in the past, touched in a nice cross from Zaki with a flick behind his standing leg.

Game of the Week – Liverpool vs Hull City

An exhilarating contest at Anfield ended with Liverpool and Hull City earning a point apiece and it would have been unfair for either side to lose. The Tigers have made a surprisingly bright start to the season and their attacking adventure has been just as refreshing. They forged a two-goal lead thanks to a Paul McShane header and Jamie Carragher own goal but Liverpool's talisman Steven Gerrard rescued his team once again with two clinical finishes before the break. There was no change to the scoreline in the second half as the visitors held firm to frustrate Rafa Benitez's men.

Player of the Week – Gabriel Agbonlahor

Perhaps inspired by team-mate Ashley Young's recognition in the same category last weekend, Agbonlahor produced a dazzling display to help Aston Villa come from behind and claim a 4-2 victory over Bolton. The newly-capped England international dragged Villa level at 1-1 with a fine strike and later showed another side to his game with a headed goal. The speedy striker was a constant threat and his final contribution was to set up Young for a fourth late on.

Hero of the Week

Martin O'Neill's men really showed what they can do on Saturday, with an absolutely beautiful attacking display against a pretty well organised Bolton team. In moving up into 4th, ahead of Arsenal, Villa really showed what they are made of and what they can potentially achieve this season, when Arsenal may not be at their best.

Zero of the Week

John Pantsil's hilarious panto dive takes the biscuit here. After an ill-advised contretemps with Yardie striker Ricardo Fuller, where foreheads were homoerotically rubbed, Pantsil went down like he'd been helicoptered by John Holmes. Fuller's reaction was priceless - a combination of malice, confusion and disdain.

Petulance of the Week

Ronaldo's silly little kick on Dawson deserved a card and players have been sent off for much less, even though Ronnie wanted big hugs to say sorry afterwards.

“He’s behind you!” etc etc

I get the impression that playing for Manchester United kind of requires a sense of humour bypass these days. I don’t know why, but it just seems that they all take themselves way too seriously, even the usually reliable Wayne ‘Wazza’ Rooney. However, every Christmas the club’s young players get the chance to inject a much needed smile into Old Trafford by sending up the first team in a festive pantomime. It’s basically the equivalent of final assembly back in the sixth form at school; you know, that one chance of the year to dress up as the female biology teacher that everyone knew was actually born a man, and make some crude wanking gag. Just to give you an idea of the level this normally sinks to, last year’s effort was cleverly dubbed ‘Pant-ho’ and involved a real-time spoof of Ronaldo’s pool party with five hookers.

Anyway, reports have reached STT HQ that this year’s event was one of the best ever, with the big egos of Ronaldo and Berbatov right in the firing line. An excitable source gushed: “The panto was in the form of an ITV News bulletin with Danny Welbeck posing as Sir Trevor McDonald.” Try and contain yourself folks because it gets much more hilarious from there. The man-on-the-inside continued: “The youth team guy playing Ronaldo was wearing a Real Madrid shirt with 123 Days To Go on the front – which is a reference to how long is it until the end of the season.” Comic genius! Ah, Swift must be rolling around his grave trying to sew his sides back together! Even Cristiano himself was tickled apparently: “The real Ronaldo was absolutely pissing himself laughing!”

Finally, and brace yourselves for a laughter explosion, “a coffin was wheeled in with a player dressed as Dracula with Berbatov 9 on his back – followed by someone as Wayne Rooney with a full on Bobby Charlton wig!” I think those two are maybe a little bit subtle for me, but kudos as ever for trying.

There we have it then folks: proof, if ever needed, that footballers are not very bright and not even remotely funny.

Gameweek 16 – Colony

Right hello folks, it’s midweek and everyone’s very busy, so I’ll keep this brief and mainly copied-and-pasted off the BBC. So, for the first time in what seems like decades the big-4 all notched up wins this weekend, although aside from Chelsea they were anything but convincing.

Starting with the leaders Liverpool then, a struggling Blackburn put up quite a fight for more than an hour, and to be honest the scoreline certainly flattered the Scousers in the end. Chelsea were sublime for half an hour, and unfortunately for Bolton, by the time they’d actually started playing, the game was already over. Arsenal flattered to deceive after last week’s great performance against Chelsea, somewhat limping over the line against a Wigan side who were keen to exorcise the embarrassment of being spanked by the Arsenal kids a month or so ago in the cup. Manchester United on the other hand left it late to shatter Sunderland’s hopes of an away point, with the ever reliable Vidic slamming the ball home deep into injury time.

Harry Redknapp enjoyed a decent return to Upton Park on Monday night with his unpredictable Spurs team, adding to Gianfranco Zola’s misery as their winless run continues. West Brom still remain bottom of the pile however, with three decent points against Pompey snatched away from them in the last few minutes by a cracking Peter Crouch effort. Fulham and Manchester City also shared the points at Saturday lunchtime, with the Cottagers outdoing themselves against a tepid City side who lacked anything approaching creativity without Elano and Robinho.

Finally then, the good runs for Hull and Stoke refuse to cease, with both teams coming from behind to claw points from games they were effectively out of. The Tigers started poorly, and it took a Tugay opener to motivate Phil Brown’s men to start playing some football, but when they got going they were more than worth their win. Stoke meanwhile looked dead at half-time following a Michael Owen brace, but clearly Tony Pulis made some pretty serious threats in the dressing room because what re-appeared for the second period was a completely different side who, if anything, could’ve even poached a winner.

Game of the Week – Everton vs Aston Villa

So the two main contenders to break into the Champions League spots faced off at Goodison Park this Sunday then, and the results were as explosive as everyone hoped after a pretty dull Saturday of action if we’re honest. It took the rejuvenated Steve Sidwell just 34 seconds to open the scoring, with his 25-yard drive into Howard's top corner setting the tone for the afternoon. Twice Joleon Lescott thought he had equalized for the Toffees however, with an acrobatic volley in stoppage time looking to be enough to share the points, before Ashley Young produced a bit of magic a minute later to break Merseyside hearts.

Player of the Week – Ashley Young

Without doubt the performance of the weekend, with two quality goals punctuating a superb away win for Villa against one of their closest rivals. Young showed pace, composure and clinical finishing, but unfortunately for him and his international ambitions, this level of impact has been somewhat lacking this season so far.

Goal of the Week – Deco

After an incredible opening to the season, Deco seems to have dropped off a touch as the temperature has plummeted, but this weekend his unquestionable talent was on display once again for all to see. As Bolton struggled to clear their lines, the ball was lofted back across the penalty area by Michael Ballack, where Deco was on hand to hammer a perfect bicycle-kick past a helpless Jaaskelainen.

Comeback of the Week – Stoke City

After 25 minutes and the score 2 – 0 to Newcastle, pundits and fans alike were writing off the Potters. Once again however, Tony Pulis’ men dug deep, and inspired by the introduction of Ricardo Fuller, were quite superb second half. Goals from Mamady Sidibe and Abdoulaye Faye were enough to rescue an unlikely point, but even without the long-throws of Rory Delap, Stoke proved that they could compete at this level and have a good chance of staying up come April.

Gaffe of the Week – Phil Jagielka

There’s not much else really to say about this, it’s just pretty awful. Under no pressure, Jagielka turned from the midfield to guide a back pass to Tim Howard, only for the ball to unfortunately fall short and straight to Ashley Young, who duly slotted into the corner past the despairing Everton keeper.

Taking Point of the Week – Arsenal fans booing Eboue

Ok there are a couple of things you should put aside when thinking about this issue. Firstly, imagine that Emmanuel Eboue isn’t an arrogant little shit who’s actually rubbish at football, and secondly, pretend that it isn’t incredibly amusing when a player brought on as a substitute gets substituted off themselves later. The point here is just the brazen caprice of Arsenal fans, who can worship someone by association one minute, and then crucify them the next for a couple of ultimately meaningless mistakes. Are they so used to absolute perfection that anything less than that warrants a cacophony of boos? And this isn’t an Ashley Cole-esque situation here either, because the abuse he gets is pretty unrelated to his actual footballing performance. No, Eboue hasn’t really done anything to rile up Arsenal fans (who, might I remind you, were calling him the best right-back in Europe two years ago when they reached the Champions League final), it just seems that most casual fans at the Emirates have no sense of context, or even what it means to support their club. I simply cannot conceive of a player for my team being booed just because he makes a mistake; that truly is unforgivable.

Dropping the Soap

Picture the scene: you’re a young aspiring footballer with a League One outfit and have just enjoyed a great little training session. You bagged a couple of goals against the first-team, and the gaffer’s saying you might get your first start at the weekend. And what better way to celebrate, not to mention bond with the lads, than sexually assaulting a team-mate in the showers? Sorry for the hood-wink opening but I think that sometimes we all treat rape with a bit too much levity and mirth.

In all seriousness then, an unnamed League One club is currently reeling from allegations that four youth team players inflicted a “sex attack” on a team-mate, after “horseplay got out of hand.” Since when did ‘horseplay’ go from putting tabasco in someone’s pint to anal intrusion?! The 17-year-old victim went to hospital last week, and medical staff apparently tipped off police: “The lad was in a lot of distress and was hobbling as he came into casualty. He told nurses he had been attacked by a group of team-mates in the showers. It sounded absolutely horrific. It wasn’t long before police came down and he was asked to go through what had happened again. He was in a right state. He was constantly in tears and was in a great deal of distress and embarrassment. I really felt for him.”

The four players were subsequently arrested, one was freed without charges, and the other three were released on police bail until next month. The club said in a statement: “We are aware there has been an alleged incident. We will assist and communicate with the relevant authorities.”

The rumour currently doing the rounds within the press is that, in preparation for an elaborate Christmas pantomime take on Midnight Express, several players got a bit too ‘method’ in their rehearsal, and well, one thing lead to another. If you think this incident is bad, you should’ve seen what happened when the unnamed club tried to re-enact that scene where Billy’s girlfriend turns up, presses her cans up against the glass screen, and he has a cry-wank.

The Next Victim

Cristiano Ronaldo has the right idea. At 23-years-old, after dipping his metaphorical toe into a pool of busty models, he has already realized that the way forward is nailing young Eastern European trophy wives of wealthy old businessmen. You see it’s the best of both worlds; they have plenty of cash so you don’t have to pay for everything, plus they’re bored and left dangerously horny after years of early nights and faked orgasms. His latest piece is a Ukranian lady called Alyona Hayes, 25, who is currently separated from her 50-year-old husband John Hayes, the director of a cleaning firm in Cheshire.

Now I was under the impression that Ronaldo didn’t really have any friends, but The Sun have apparently dug one up to offer this crucial insight: “It’s early days but Ronaldo seems very keen on her and has wined and dined her at some very expensive restaurants. (He) texts her mobile day and night. She’s very sexy and intelligent and finds him charming and funny. During one evening out together she made him laugh after telling him her dream is to open up a cattery. She adores animals, especially cats.” They seem made for each other don’t they? Alyona currently works in the fashion department at Selfridges in Manchester, but she also moonlights as the face of a dating website which finds beautiful Russian lovers for British men. She just gets better and better doesn’t she?

Despite vowing to divorce her in August, John is incensed that Alyona has moved on, and insists on checking up on her and reading her text messages. He said: “I saw messages coming in from him with his number saved as Ronaldo. They looked like they had been written by a seven-year-old . . . it was dreadful English and they mentioned Portugal.” A little jealous are we John? He continued: “He’s not intelligent in the slightest. Alyona is a very intelligent woman so I can’t imagine what they talk about when they sit down together.” My suggestion John would be that they probably don’t actually do that much talking, nor do they exactly ‘sit down together.’ Sorry, that’s probably not very helpful.

Ram Raid

It’s pretty treacherous being a Liverpool player these days. In case you haven’t been receiving updates from the police scanner over the last couple of years, almost half of the entire squad now have been the victims of break-ins at their palatial residences. The latest to be violated is everyone’s favourite waste of space Jermaine Pennant, as the mansion he shares with the delectable Amii Grove was targeted two nights ago by thieves in the night.

The Liverpool winger was apparently sleeping in his mansion on a bed of money when he heard two loud crashes outside. Upon closer inspection, he saw yobs trying to smash their car through the posh electric gates protecting the property. Ever the hero, Pennant leapt up out of bed, grabbed a torch, and went to confront the robbers dressed only in pink bunny ears and a coconut-shell bra. The car sped off, but moments later crashed into a nearby property where it was abandoned. The police genuinely scrambled a helicopter to search for the perpetrators, can you believe that? Gee, it’s nice being famous isn’t it Jermaine?

A streetwise police source said: “It was a well-drilled and audacious crime, and it’s a miracle no-one was hurt. After petrol bombing the car in a field the men sped off in another car in convoy so they clearly knew what they were doing. The victims are understandably quite shook up by the whole experience. Police are probing whether it is connected with similar attacks on Liverpool players in the area.” The filth reckon that the thieves had targeted Pennant’s sports car collection, although secretly we think this was all just an elaborate ruse to get hold of a couple of pairs of his missus’ undercrackers.

A visibly disturbed (i.e. clothed) Amii offered this gush: “Jermaine jumped out of bed and ran down the landing. He has no fear. He saw headlights through the gates, then shouted, ‘Call the police!’ Luckily, by the time he got there these people had raced off. Jermaine was really brave, but that’s the way he is.” Brave yes, literate no. Sorry, that was a cheap shot.

As this two year crime-spree continues, Pennant joins Robbie Keane, Steven Gerrard, Dirk Kuyt, Daniel Agger, Pepe Reina, Peter Crouch, Jerzey Dudek and young Brazilian Lucas Leiva as unfortunate victims of this modern day Robin Hood. Poor Lucas is still complaining after thieves took an Olympic bronze medal, some Brazil shirts and a huge “swag bag full of treasured memories.” It’s ok Lucas, you’re a professional footballer, there’s plenty of time to make more sex tapes.

When It Hits You Feel No Pain

The best thing about being a footballer is having really cool mates. You know, the celebrity equivalent of that kid at school who had his 18th birthday on a boat cruising up and down the Thames, only this time the boat is rotating bed covered in topless models, and the river is a swimming pool full of champagne and cocaine. As such, after flogging themselves half to death since August playing 15 matches, footballers have well and truly earned their decadent Christmas bashes.

The four most street players in the country are already wallowing in disappointment however because, according to reports today, Didier Drogba, Nicolas Anelka, El-Hadji Diouff and Djibril Cisse have all been banned by their managers from attending a lavish £1million Miami-based bash hosted by hip-hop stars Lil’ Wayne and Akon.

Now putting aside the fact that Wayne and Akon are complete tools, this does actually sounds like a pretty ace party. You see they were both planning to host seperate Christmas parties on the same day, but then decided to merge them into one ‘super-party’ when they realized what had happened. Never ones to give a shit about the global economic problems or climate change, the pair have arranged for real snow to be flown in from Greenland, and have invited the crème de la crème of ‘urban’ talent. Kanye West will be there, as will Gwen Stefani, and even Michael Jackson’s supposed to showing up. Not bad eh?

An insightful Chelsea source offered this: “The party promises to be the biggest hip-hop bash ever thrown. Lil Wayne and Akon are each pouring hundreds of thousands of pounds into it. The footballers were really up for a big night out but the bosses have said no.” I hope you will all join me in giving a big “Boooo!” to Phil Scolari and Roy Keane for not being ‘down.’

The foursome might do well to stay away however, as both hosts have attracted a fair bit of controversy over the years. Not content with having a horribly shit and squeaky singing voice, Akon also has a history of gun possession, car theft and assault. Most charmingly though he was filmed quite aggressively dry-humping a 15-year-old girl in Trinidad a couple of years ago now. His defense was genuinely that she and her father (a local preacher) should’ve known better about letting her go out dressed like a hoochie. He seems like a nice guy.

If possible, Lil’ Wayne is actually less talented than Akon, but putting that aside he’s also more of a prick. By the age of 14 he’d already fathered a child and managed to shoot himself by accident, and earlier this year his tour-bus was found to contain an impressive 3.7 ounces of weed, just over an ounce of cocaine, 1.4 ounces of Ecstasy and $22,000 in cash. I’m guessing he was tricked into carrying all of those things. More amusingly though, last year Wayne was also photographed kissing another rapper called Baby a.k.a The Birdman on the lips. Not so tough now are you Weezy?

P.S. please don’t shoot me

The Curse of Creation

Dr Frankenstein gets a pretty bad rep these days. If you think about it though he was only doing what all visionary scientists do and pushing the boundaries of the possible; it’s not like he was just assembling various female bodyparts to create his ultimate sex toy. But before you get carried away, this piece is unfortunately not about a mad inventor kidnapping the world’s best players, physically cutting them up and building his dream footballer. No, it is much more holistic than that, but nonetheless still pretty interesting.

Meet Arton Baleci. He’s 23 and apparently prepared to give up a whole year of his life to try and become football's first Frankenstein’s monster by turning himself from an average Sunday League Joe to a Premier League star. You see, over the next 12 months he will be attempting to clone certain aspects of the cream of world football as part of his project, cleverly called ‘The Beautiful Aim’.

Baleci clearly has quite a lot of time on his hands, and no need whatsoever to earn any kind of wage, because this has been brewing for a while by all accounts: “I've assembled a team of world-renowned experts and have been pulling this together for 18 months,” he said. “I believe we can do it. We have the persistence to go through with it, even if I don't have the natural talent. I think we have all the right ingredients to take it as far as we can. It's just up to my execution.”

Having become disillusioned by the game in 2003, Baleci gave up organized football but continued to practice his skills by taking part in Nike freestyle competitions and the like. The idea for ‘The Beautiful Aim’ arose when he began training in neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), where you model an expert's behaviour in order to try to replicate their success yourself over a short period of time. Only at the start of the long journey now, Baleci has already met one sceptic in Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger:

“I went to an event and Wenger was there,” he said. “Here I was watching a man who I worshipped as an Arsenal fan and someone with a reputation for bringing through youth. Wenger says if a player doesn't have the technical ability by the time he is 14, if he doesn't have the physical capability by 16 or 17, and the tactical ability by the time he is 18 or 19 then he will never make a really good footballer. It was a weird moment listening to one of your heroes giving an opinion that is completely contrary to everything you are going to be doing. I thought Arsene, I love you but I'm going to have to prove you wrong on this one mate.”

Baleci’s year-long process will take on three different aspects then: physical conditioning (i.e. getting him fit enough to be a Premier League footballer); the Feldenkrais method (i.e. re-organising the way the brain processes body movement in order to make it more efficient); and NLP modeling (i.e. re-learning how to play football as if you were a child to eliminate the habits that are unnecessary). He believes that using this trinity of theories there is “a massive possibility it could work” but knows that ultimately his age could stand in his way.

“None of us know the chances of making it until we do it because it has never been done before - that's why it is exciting,” he said. “My aim is to get as good as the players I am modeling. To become a professional footballer in England at any level in a year from nothing would be a fantastic achievement. We want people to see what's achievable through the methods I'm using and hopefully that will inspire them to go out and find out about the possibilities they present for themselves.”

So what do we think of all this then: interesting experiment or a pointless exercise in self-indulgence? At 23 is it really possible to forget everything you know and start again from scratch at a game that at the very top level is, let’s face it, primarily instinctive? To me this all just smacks of some rich kid’s pet project, especially when you start looking at the players and their ‘elements’ he is intending to base his re-invention on:

Brain - Dimitar Berbatov

Set-pieces - David Beckham

Movement - Thierry Henry

Turning - Robin van Persie

Finishing - Ruud van Nistelrooy

Strength - Didier Drogba

Explosiveness - Fernando Torres

Balance - Zlatan Ibrahimovic

Dribbling - Lionel Messi

Heading - Cristiano Ronaldo

Tricks - Robinho

The idea that he could firstly ape all of these individual characteristics, and secondly then incorporate them into one ‘complete player’ is just so ridiculous I don’t know where to start. What the hell does “explosiveness” mean anyway, and how would you get better at it, short of covering yourself in petrol?

Arton seems to have pretty high hopes for this ‘Beautiful Aim’ thing but I am willing to bet my house on the fact that in one year’s time he will still not be a professional footballer, no matter how many fancy scientists he hangs out with. Making a science out of football to this extent seems to just muddy the waters to the point of over-saturation. That is to say, with all of this new absorbed knowledge going on in his head on the pitch, how is he ever going to practically do anything? For example, he receives a pass and part of his brain is saying “do that sweet van Persie turn!” another part is saying “do that fancy Robinho dragback!” while another part altogether wants to show off his new Messi-esque dribbling ability.

What makes these players great is the unquantifiable aspects of their game. That is to say the elements of their personalities that, when meshed with fantastic technical ability, create something more than a sum of their parts. Just look at freestyle footballers, or Futsol greats: are they also incredible 11-a-side players? No of course not, because they don’t have the appetite or the confidence or the practical application of their gifts within the high pressure realm of proper football.

This is all before we even get onto some of the other aspects of football that make a so-called great player. You can be the most gifted trick-meister in the world but if you aren’t a team player then you’re worthless. If you can’t understand and absorb tactics, then again, you’re a waste of space. If you have no sense of positioning then it’s like playing with ten men. If you can’t adapt your style of play to different situations and opponents then you have no place in a team. And I could go on and on and on.

The point is that does this idea not completely undermine the efforts of thousands of kids around the country who drop out of school early with the dream of ‘making it?’ Well I guess only is Arton is successful, which he won’t be, so where does that leave us? Nowhere really. It’ll be an interesting year watching his progress from a documentary point of view, but ultimately it’s just an exercise in egotistical futility. Sorry mate.

Gameweek 15 – Mime

As is the way these days, Sunday seemed to be the focus of this weekend’s action, with four pretty entertaining games taking place, including the two big derbies. We’ll come back to the afternoon game in London later and instead start t’up north with the defending champions Manchester United. Having done the double over their local rivals last year, and on the back of a superb performance against Arsenal last weekend, I think everyone expected a bit more of a contest from the blue half of Manchester. City however didn’t really turn up until about an hour had passed, and even after that, rarely threatened Edwin van der Sar as United dug in after Ronaldo was dismissed for an unexplainable handball.

Elsewhere Tottenham and Blackburn’s relegation struggles continued, with Everton and Portsmouth respectively taking the points against them. Spurs failed to create much at home in a hard-fought game where chances were few and far between, before Pienaar popped up late on to fire a shot in off Corluka. Things were a bit more exciting down at Fratton Park though where Blackburn slumped to their fourth straight loss, despite a spirited second half comeback that saw them come from two goals behind. With Paul Ince finally looking almost buoyant though, Sean Davis glided into the penalty area and a deft finish over Robinson lifted Pompey to 8th in the table.

Blackburn were sparred further misery however with relegation rivals West Brom and Sunderland also both losing, and Newcastle’s goalless draw with Middlesbrough kept them firmly involved too. Wigan were the latest team to inflict heartbreak on Tony Mowbray’s plucky Baggies, coming from a goal down to snatch all three points with a late Emerson Boyce winner. Sunderland received another afternoon of humiliation as Bolton’s decent form of late continued away at the Stadium of Light, despite Cisse’s opener giving the Black Cats some hope.

Finally then, Villa scuppered the chance to move up to third as Fulham held them at home, while the better two of three newly promoted sides shared a point in hazardous fog at the Britannia Stadium. Marlon King’s decent first half strike continued Hull’s excellent away form, while a late Ricardo Fuller penalty saved a point for Stoke, who continue to defy critics by moving up to 13th.

Game of the Week – Chelsea vs Arsenal

We seem to be entering a strange realm these days where top-4 clashes are (whisper it) almost entertaining. This was a lively little affair that saw yet another twist in the Arsenal tale, as they came from behind to show Chelsea their second home defeat in six weeks after more than 80 games undefeated under Mourinho and Grant. Scolari is rightly upset that van Persie’s equaliser was offside, but it’s a decision that isn’t going to change, and with half an hour to recover, Chelsea offered little fight after the Dutchman scored his second three minutes later.

Player of the Week – Johan Elmander

A bit of a shock buy this summer for huge money, Elmander has yet to really repay his faith to Bolton boss Gary Megson. However, with three goals in his last two league appearances, form might well be returning to the tall Swede, with two well-taken finishes this Saturday and even the chance to bag a hat-trick.

Goal of the Week – Henri Camara

Not many great contenders this week, but hats off to the brisk Senegalese forward for showing superb invention and unexpected acrobatics to catch on to Paul Robinson’s horribly misjudged header.

Effort of the Week – Wayne Rooney

With Joe Harte’s strangely being encouraged to challenge for a corner in United’s penalty area, Giggs broke with the ball and fed Rooney who, from a good 50-yards out, fired a long-range strike at the City goal. Between them, Harte and SWP just about kept it out, but still an unreal attempt from the United man.

Tactic of the Week – Phil Brown

How best to deal with Stoke City’s long throw is as much a recurring training ground topic as how to stop Robinho. Ok well maybe not, but still, it’s causing plenty of coaches severe headaches around the country. This weekend Hull employed a couple of interesting tactics at the Britannia, the first of which being goalkeeper Myhill opting to just boot the ball straight out for a corner rather than give Rory Delap the chance to wind up a throw. More amusing however was Brown’s use of substitute Dean Windass, who intentionally stretched and warmed up right next to and in front of Delap as the Irishman was starting his run-up. It only worked twice before Windass was booked, but still, kudos for thinking outside the box.

Controversy of the Week – Cristiano Ronaldo’s sending off

Ok so Robin van Persie’s blatant offside is ruffling a few feathers, but it’s not really controversial because it was so obvious. What was bizarre though is Ronaldo rising for a free header and then attempting to catch the ball when he looked perfectly placed to nod it in and effectively win the game for United. So what really happened then? Well according to Sir Alex, Cristiano was “protecting himself” from being hit in the face with the ball, “got a little shove in the back” as well, and also “thought he heard the referee’s whistle.” Ah, I didn’t realize, well strike the red card then and award Manchester United a bonus penalty goal.

Taking Point of the Week

Welcome to the first in a new series for STT, giving the weekend reviews a bit more of a discussion element that we feel we’ve been missing of late.

I read something Alan Hansen said over this weekend that I thought was pretty interesting. He said that recent poor form at Sunderland, Blackburn and West Ham has given their managers Roy Keane, Paul Ince and Gianfranco Zola a cruel lesson in understanding: “if you've played at any of the top clubs,” he said, “you have to realise that the players you manage will not be as good as you and they might not have the same hunger and desire.” I guess this is kind of obvious, but the frustration it brings hasn’t ever really resonated with me, especially when the aforementioned three players were so unbelievably successful for so many years.

The problem is though, where does this line of thought inevitably lead you as a manager? Either side of the coin is dangerous: accept that they can’t ever live up to your expectations and you learn to live with failure, but arrogantly looking down on your players for simply not being good enough just leads to insurrection. The answer seems to be simple: only go into management if you were a decidedly average player, just ask Arsene Wenger and Alex Ferguson…