Wooden Spoon

Ok so there’s been quite a lot of confusion about the mathematics of tonight’s crucial Group of Death decider, so we decided to crunch the numbers and give you a comprehensive rundown of all viable scenarios:

- If Romania beat Holland they will join them in the knockouts in second place.

- If Romania draw or lose, the winner from the Italy vs France clash will progress. France have no chance of qualifying unless they win.

- If Romania lose, and Italy vs France ends in a score draw, Italy will go through on a three way head-to-head because they will have scored more goals in the matches involving Romania and France.

- If Romania lose by 1-0, 2-0 or by a three goal margin other than 3-0, and the Italy vs France game finishes 0-0, then Romania will qualify ahead of Italy due to a better goal difference.

- If Romania lose by a four goal margin or bigger, and Italy vs France finishes 0-0, Italy will progress due to a better goal difference.

- If Romania lose 3-0, and Italy draw 0-0, the two teams will have an identical goal difference, but the Azzurri will go through as they have a better UEFA Euro 2008 qualifying co-efficient.

- If Romania win (and thus qualify), and Italy vs France is a draw, those two teams will then have to play a penalty shootout to decide who finishes third in the group.

For sheer amusement value, I kind of hope the last scenario pops up, just because the looks on the faces of both teams as they prepare for a humiliatingly pointless penalty shootout will be too much. That will almost sweeten the pill of our own miserable failures. Almost.

Hot Girls Sunbathing

I don’t know about you but I just love seeing members of the England team finally able to enjoy some free time. It’s been such a hard season, thank god they can relax on a beach somewhere and not worry about shit like international competitions and pride. I’m glad that none of them even seem bothered to follow Euro ’08, because we all know that it’s an ultimately pointless tournament without the 1966 World Cup winners. Now obviously I don’t think that Fabio Capello should have the team locked up in some Guantanamo Bay-style prison doing drills, but it’d be nice if at least a couple of them seemed to care, and responded with the same feeling of shame as the general public.

Anyway, let’s first take a look at Stevie G, who is enjoying Miami with wife Alex Curran as they celebrate their first wedding anniversary. The pair reportedly snubbed the social event of the decade (Wayne and Coleen’s wedding of course) to go eye-kissing around South Beach so here then are a couple of snaps of the Liverpool captain and his faithful WAG luxuriating. Just try not to look at her face. Or him.

Jetting across to Ibiza then we find probably one of the funniest snaps I have seen for some time. Yes, that is Fat Lampard dressed up like a pre-teen girl on her way to ballet. There’s no real story here, just that his wife is pretty hot and he’s a tool. I’d like to give him the benefit of the doubt by saying he’s maybe lost a bet, but this ain’t a lads holiday, he’s literally just there with his family.

Finally, on a completely non-England related note, Spurs captain Robbie Keane has just married a ridiculously hot Irish model called Claudine Palmer and she doesn’t mind strolling around Sardinia wearing just a bikini. The pair exchanged vows earlier this month in Dublin surrounded by plenty of pals. The Irish guys clearly all like each other with is nice to see; among the guests were Damien Duffy, Shay Given, Gary Breen, Gary Kelly, Ian Harte and Richard Dunne. Which England colleagues attended Wayne Rooney’s wedding again? Oh yeah, Wes Brown and Michael Carrick. Great.

Hell’s Bells

Craig Bellamy is not a particularly nice man. In the last six years, he has hit team-mates with steel chairs and golf clubs, been acquitted of racially abusing a night club bouncer, and even been cleared of assaulting women in two separate incidents. This small melting-pot of Welsh rage now faces his latest shame having being accused of attacking a charity worker in Africa this past weekend. Onlookers described Bellamy as going into a frenzy after he lost big money in a casino in war-torn Sierra Leone, home to plenty of automatic weapons and diamonds shaped (conveniently) like 50 Cent’s record label logo. Following a full day of binge-drinking, the pint-sized West Ham bench-warmer grabbed the charity worker in a textbook headlock and wrestled him to the floor, apparently forgetting that the main reason he’s in the country at the moment is to present a proposal for a football academy he intends to set up.

Bouncers eventually subdued Bellamy by jumping on him, and he was subsequently removed through a rear exit into the car park. The fracas went down in the ironically-named capital, Freetown, in the early hours of Saturday morning after Bellamy stopped into the Lagonda Casino for a quiet couple of night-caps with his two former SAS bodyguards. He’s so tough you see that he walks around with two enormous ex-soldiers, not for protection, but just in case he fancies a competitive fight if there aren’t any women or children around to cheapshot. Wasting no time, Bellamy apparently started pointing ominously at people within 20 minutes of his arrival in the casino: “He was playing on a roulette table when something seemed to upset him,” a mysteriously-English-speaking source told us. “He was shouting and squaring up to people at the table. A few seconds later he jumped on one guy and started wrestling with him on the floor. The guy involved was an Englishman who is in Sierra Leone to help raise money for a charity that works with children orphaned by the civil war.” Whatever mate, he was just some bleeding-heart trying to recycle his shoes. All I can hear is: he’s not a footballer so he’s completely worthless to society. Nice one Craig for putting this selfish fool in his place!

“Bellamy’s eyes were glazed over and he was in a rage,” the source dramatically continued. “There were casino chips flying in the air and all hell broke loose. It took the local bouncers several minutes to drag Bellamy out of the club and all the time he was shouting and screaming abuse at everyone.” Sounds pretty reasonable to me; if everyone wasn’t prepared to do and say exactly what Bellamy wanted then I think he was well within his rights to kick off. “This just isn’t the way people behave out here,” the witness said somewhat judgementally. “There are only a couple of places in Freetown where westerners can drink. The casino is popular with British consulate staff as well as workers from the non governmental organisations and charities that operate in Sierra Leone.” Ah, so Craig was upset that they were all a bunch of soft-drink-sipping pussies then as well? His case just gets stronger and stronger.

Unsurprisingly this incident might throw a cat amongst the Sierra Leonian pigeons (if they have them) when it comes to Bellamy’s football academy plans.

A different, but still unnamed, source told us today: “There were some important people there that night and they couldn’t believe what was happening. It is honourable that football stars want to give something back to the game but they cannot behave like this.”

Those of you with keen memories might recall David Beckham also visiting Sierra Leone earlier in the year, but the stupid girl didn’t even spit at or racially abuse anyone, so we didn’t give it any coverage.

Jill-ted Lover

Try for a second to put yourself in the head of a kiss-and-tell whore, as terrifying a prospect as we all know that to be. You have just been send to Dumpsville by an Arsenal player, so what do you do to get revenge and earn back a bit of your (obviously quite limited) self-respect? Throw yourself on the joystick of the first Spurs player you see of course! And that's exactly what all-round class act Jill Demirel did when her boyfriend Justin Hoyte kicked her to the curb for a younger model. The 32-year-old minger was so devastated when Hoyte, 23, left her for the only-slighty-better-looking-but-at-least-young Madeleine Bowden, of WAGs Boutique 'fame', that she pounced on walking Burger King advert Tom Huddlestone and mercilessly bedded him.

Prize catch Jill revealed her motivation to the News of the World this weekend: "I was heartbroken when Justin left me for another girl. I knew he hated Tottenham and I thought, ‘I'm going to show you'." However the apparently 'clever' plan backfired when the sex with Huddlestone was poor, and only made her more desperate for the good old days of Hoyte hanging out the back of her, filming it on his mobile phone. A clearly disillusioned Jill sighed: "I was praying Tom could help me get over Justin with great sex. Fat chance of that. Justin was ten out of ten in bed, miles better than Tom, who was a wham bam, thank you ma'am kind of guy." Miouw Jill, the claws are well and truly out for poor Mr Huddlestone. She continued to rip the Spurs midfielder's amorous playbook apart: "When we kissed it was terrible. He kept dribbling all over my mouth. I'd rate Tom a zero out of ten." Zero out of ten? Zero out of ten would be trying to get off with a cheese grater, surely our Tom must've been better than that Jill?! Such high standards, but then again, she's probably had quite a lot to compare him to.

The ex-Harrods sales assistant, from Chigwell, Essex, instantly fell for Justin after meeting him in the place where most great romances blossom: the jacuzzi at his gym. She was engaged to another man at the time but that clearly didn't bother her as she reportedly told gal pals she'd never been "so attracted to a guy in (her) life."Despite going on three dates with Hoyte, she kept telling him it was wrong because she was engaged, and for a while somehow managed to not sleep with him. However, after a bottle of Lambrini and a KFC on that magical third date, she finally gave up the nappy dug-out: "I kept telling Justin it was wrong because I was engaged, but the fact we weren't supposed to made it more horny. That night we had sex from midnight until 6am. He's incredibly well endowed—at least 12 inches. Dirty talk got him going the most. He liked to know I was enjoying myself." Paints quite a picture doesn't she? This Jill girl just gets classier and classier. And 12 inches? Seriously?? She really must love him to tell such an outrageous lie.

Anyway, after feeling him up in her stomach, she was understandably intoxicated and they met up regularly for sex, unsurprisingly even getting it on in the place where this torrid love affair first began, the gym's jizz-cuzzi: "The bubbles hid so much naughty stuff. It was the best foreplay for mad sex," giggled Jill. After a year, he got bored of her high-brow intellectual conversation, and broke up with the aspiring model, even changing his phone number to avoid bunny-boiling and hair-dolls. "I was in love with him. It wasn't about the football," she lied. "I would have been with him even if he'd worked for McDonalds."

The tide turned early last year when Jill saw Justin on the smash-hit show WAGs Boutique, and was gutted when Madeleine Bowden was introduced as his girlfriend. Rather than moving on like an adult, Jill decided that the best way to get over Hoyte was to sleep with another footballer, and guess what, Tom Huddlestone just happened to live in the same apartment block as Hoyte. She snarled quite psychotically: "I'd seen Tom in the Jacuzzi—the spot where I'd met Justin—and I knew he fancied me. It wasn't reciprocated, but I was on a mission to bag him to make Justin jealous." Unbelievable behaviour; almost acceptable from an 18-year-old, but you have to remember that this Jill slag is actually 32. Within days then Jill was staying over at Huddlestone's love-den, parking her car in full view of Justin's flat to get a reaction, but unfortunately for Jill her plot back-fired. "All I could think about was Justin," Jill lamented. "Tom was such a boring fart. He didn't talk about anything apart from commenting on the girls in the R&B videos on the telly." Christ, you know you must be doing something wrong when a girl who once dated some guy from boyband Blue calls you dull. And come on, witty commentary about hos in music videos is prime conversation when you're with the ladies; such high standards! Returning of course to the sex then, the not-at-all-bitter-and-twisted Jill continued to cuss Huddlestone's form: "It was crap and I pity Chanelle (Hayes; reportedly his current girlfriend), she must be having the worst sex of her life," Jill hissed. "It only lasted two minutes before it was over thankfully." Easy now love, two minutes is pretty good in my experience...isn't it?!

She ended her interview with the NOTW with a truly heart-felt plea. I feel so much empathy at the moment that I think a tear might be welling up: "If I could get (Justin) alone I know he wouldn't be able to resist me," she deluded herself. "I just hope he reads this and realises how much I love him." I think the chances of that happening are pretty slim darling, but at least now the rest of the country knows what a complete piece of shit you are. In case any of you do actually sympathise with Ms Demirel, bear in mind that in the same newspaper a story was also run about her supposedly making a guest appearance in this year's Big Brother, predicated purely on a promise she made to producers to spill the beans about her affairs with the two footballers. Finally, I'd like to just end with a prize quote off her fantastic Myspace page: “All you jealous haters out there mind your own. The more you hate me, the more I shall succeed. If you hate me that must mean you care about me, so thanks. GET OVER IT, YOU BITCH!” She is just such an endearing character, and STT would certainly not recommend you throw rubbish at her if you see her in the street.

Fat Skeleton Out of the Closet

Out in Italy we've seen the majority of the Rooney and McLoughlin families partying on down, losing any existing dignity by the second as they celebrate the nuptials of our Wayne and our Coleen. However, what many people don't realise is that the Rooney family actually contains a couple of sheep so (mataphorically) black that they make Wayne's younger brother Graham look as refined as that guy Raef off The Apprentice.

Yes, two cousins of the Manchester United striker were actually banned from the £5million bash this week that saw even riff-raff like Wes Brown invited. How unreasonable I hear you cry! Well wait until you hear why before imparting judgement. You see young Natalie, 18, has not only pledged to imbark on a career getting her enhanced cans out for lads' mags, but actually shamed the WAGtastically hot couple last year at Coleen's magical 21st birthday party by flashing the country's media one of her sweater melons. Stephen however is a different kettle of fish altogether; is a 24-year-old gay transvestite, who often dresses up like Ginger Spice, Geri Halliwell, and as you can see from the pics, he's quite a big chap.

To voice his indignation he has also appeared in a not-at-all-embarassing photo shoot for high-brow thinking mag Reveal this week, dressed up both as groom Wayne, but also as bride Coleen, in an exact copy of her wedding dress. Stephen candidly said: “(Coleen) wants to be the princess on the biggest day of her life. She idolises Posh, but doesn’t want a wedding like hers because she thinks it was tacky with all those gold thrones. Coleen will have her best friend Claire as her bridesmaid – but she should've picked me!” Great contribution there Stephen, and thanks to Reveal for offering such a valuable insight into this important story that millions around the country were clamoring for more information on.

Obviously this all begs many questions about his sanity, but to round off the story, the happy-go-lucky brother and sister pair decided to celebrate their wedding snub by joining the legions of other complete wastes of oxygen in this country by auditioning for Big Brother earlier this year. Unsurprisingly they didn't make that cut, despite being both incredibly ugly and annoying, so what next for these two fantastic members of society? Well Natalie has set her sights pretty high: "My aim is to look like Jordan, and I’ll soon be getting them out all over the place," she threatened The Sun at the start of May. And as for Stephen, well he has recently turned down offers from Armani and Calvin Klein to model for them in favour of a promising career as a genetic scientist. Only joking, he has an interview next week to get a job emptying sanitary towel bins in a Liverpool cheese club or some shit. Someone please just sterilise them both for all our childrens' sakes; it's a pretty big red flag when you're deemed not classy enough for a Liverpuddlian wedding where the combined IQ of the happy couple is still only double figures...

Euro 2008 Week One Round-Up

It’s pretty irritating when virtually all the best games on paper take place at 5 p.m., when everyone but alcoholics, criminals and students are chained to a desk. As such, we at STT have struggled, like I’m sure most of you have as well, to catch more than about half of the full games in the tournament to date. Conjecture and the internet have filled in the gaps sure, but we definitely miss the university days of 12 hour pub sessions, watching three games we don’t even care about back-to-back-back… …must…resist…urge…to…quit…job…

Anyway, after a somewhat faltering first round of matches, where only one game featured both teams actually scoring, things do seem to have hotted up now. Group A seems pretty open-and-shut to be honest, with Portugal already through to the second round after two impressive wins. Ronaldo has been unusually anonymous for large portions of both matches, more content with throwing himself theatrically on the floor than playing the game, but still, one cannot question his ultimate contribution to his side’s 3 – 1 win over the Czech Republic on Wednesday. Elsewhere in the side, the back-4 have all impressed, while it’s Sporting Lisbon’s young midfielder Moutinho who has proved to be one of the surprise packages of the tournament so far. Further forward, Deco has been absolutely world-class, but you can’t help but feel that the lack of a true goal-scorer right up-front might cost them later in the business end of the Euro. Also expected to qualify are the Czechs, who stumbled over the finishing line in their match with co-hosts Swizterland, but impressed for long periods against Portugal. The winner of their match on Sunday with Turkey will progress, while Swizterland look set to limp out with a grand total of zero points. Turkey and the Czech Republic certainly both lack the strength of four years ago, but with Cech between the sticks, and Matejovsky, Sionko and Baros going forward, you just fancy them to push on into round 2.

So the top two from Group A will face the top two from Group B in the first knockout round, but while it was always just assumed Germany would ease out of their group, yesterday’s defeat to Croatia threw everything wide open. So impressive in their first game with Poland, Germany really struggled to get going against a Croatia team that had clearly done their homework. Bilic’s men set out to dominate possession, and successfully targeted the weak central defenders of the pre-tournament favourites. Modric and Srna impressed, while it was once again Olic who poached what turned out to be the game’s deciding goal. Germany will surely still qualify, with only a weak Austria side standing in their way (assuming that Poland don’t beat Croatia anyway), but this was a stark reminder they are not invincible. As for Austria and Poland, well, they’ve done their best, but have been severely outclassed by two genuine contenders to win the whole Euro.

Next up is the infamous Group of Death then, and as things are currently poised, a seriously impressive Dutch side is already through to the second round with a maximum of six points so far to their name. The whole team has performed well, with victories against both 2006 World Cup finalists by a three goal margin not a statistic to be sniffed at. Real Madrid duo Wesley Sneijder and Arjen Robben did the damage to France on Friday night, while elsewhere former Premier League stars Ruud van Nistelrooy and Giovanni van Bronckhurst look back to their penetrative best. France looked considerably better than they did in their opening bore draw with Romania though, with Thierry Henry seeming rejuvenated alongside the impressive young stars Ribery and Toulalan, and if anything 4 - 1 did flatter the men in orange somewhat. As things stand though, Romania seem strangely the best poised of the remaining three teams to join Holland in the last eight, having successfully obtained workmanlike draws from both France and Italy. While the first clash with France was a dour affair, their match with Italy on Friday was a cracker that Romania will definitely feel they should have won after Gigi Buffon saved a late Adrian Mutu penalty to keep the World Cup holders in the competition. Italy and France must now face off on Tuesday night, and as long as Romania do not do the unthinkable and beat Holland, the winner of the 2006 World Cup final repeat will go through. Have Italy got enough? Hard to say; they've played pretty well in both games to date, but seem to just lack the clinical finishing of an Inzaghi or a Gilardino at the moment.

And finally then we go to Group D, the winners of which will face the second-placed side from the Group of Death, and vise versa. Everyone's-favourites-but-perennial-underacheivers Spain are already through to the second round after two decent wins, but do they now finally have what it takes to go all the way? Well, after their standard amazing performance in the opening game (as in World Cup 2006), where David Villa scored a quite sublime hat-trick, they faced a much sterner test over the weekend against an organised and competitive Sweden side who also won their first game. It was an intense clash, but just as Spain looked to be limping over the finishing line, frustrated with a score draw against little Swedish attacking intent, that man Villa popped up with a 92nd minute winner to return the Spanish smiles. Does this grit and determination signal a team more determined than ever to prove critics wrong? It certainly looks that way; playing badly and still winning is a sign of true champions, and something that Spain have always failed to get right in the past. Joining them in the second round to face Holland will be either Russia or Sweden, who have both looked impressive in spells, and must face one another Wednesday night. It will be a clash of styles, with Russia eager to attack and Sweden content to pack the midfield and patiently wait for an opening, so very difficult to call. Last, but in this case definitely least, reigning champions Greece are already out after two losses, but play Spain Wednesday night in a bid to avoid the double humiliation of both failing to score and also failing to achieve even one point.

Phew, so still plenty to play for then. Today’s fixtures look set to be exciting, plus with Spain and Portugal on display again over the weekend you just know there’ll be goals. We’ll be back offering some more trite commentary on things you already know this time next week (maybe), but in the meantime, don’t forgot to check out the BBC Football homepage for links to highlights from all the games so far if you so desire.

More importantly though, check this rather spiffing blog called Euro 2008 Girls, which we were helpfully directed to by those attractive-lady-shape-loving guys at The Spoiler. Geniusly, the keen snappers at Euro 2008 Girls provide perhaps the best service of any major footballing tournament: to post photos of the hottest fans from each country excitedly jumping around. As such, STT shall soon be relocating to Sweden, Germany or Portugal in the very near future…

Cocaine and Key-Swapping

Another day, another ‘tell-all’ biography from a footballer you probably forgot existed. Yes, everyone’s favourite late-90s Arsenal hunk Emmanuel Petit has this week lifted the lid on a decadent world where sex was power, and female haircuts on a man where apparently a good thing. The World Cup winner, who played for Arsenal between 1997 and 2000, has revealed the elements of professional football that everyone really aspires to in an incendiary autobiographical volume entitled A Fleur de Peau, apparently meaning My Little Pony in the Queen’s English.

Petit describes the revelry that followed on-field success, and how he found himself drawn increasingly into a world of swinging parties and “unbelievable debauchery” on rich Arabs' yachts where the devil’s dandruff flowed like Snoop Dogg circa Deep Cover. The ex-Arsenal man claims he “went off the rails” after hitting the limelight in the wake of the national team’s World Cup victory on home soil in 1998:

“On my days off I discovered the parallel world of Parisian nights – private soirees, swapping clubs," says Petit. “They often went on in incredibly luxurious apartments whose owners I didn't even know – but everyone recognised me.” Now you might think c’est la vie, anything goes in gay Paris, but even in sleepy St Albans, close to Arsenal's training ground, Petit found time to spray his seed:

“This pretty girl came regularly,” says Petit. “We had a relationship one day in the snooker room. The next morning, the director and his staff welcomed me with applause. He said the room had cameras but reassured me that, as an Arsenal fan, he wouldn’t make the slightest use of it.” So the lesson here kids is that if you go to the Sopwell House hotel in St Albans, don’t lick any of the snooker cues.

Talking about his time partying with affluent Arab families, Petit maintains that he was not involved in the yacht-based drug taking, but admits that he had the chance to go all Tony Montana had he wanted to dabble:

“They had only top models on board and cocaine everywhere,” he says. “I didn’t take any. The wealthy owners had a great time humiliating the young women in the worst of ways.” Quite what that means is up for debate. Mass debate. Sorry.

Score Goal, Get Beer

Ok so everyone knows that Austria are an appalling national outfit then, and that obviously the tournament would’ve been so much better and more exciting had England just been given their place out of sympathy. Anyway, an embarassed Vienna brewery has taken matters into its own hands by promising a life-long supply of free beer to any Austria player who actually manages to score a goal in the co-hosts remaining two group matches against Poland and Germany. What’s next…underage prostitutes if they make it out of the group stage? A cocaine IV-drip if they get to the semis?? A legally-pardoned murder each if they win the whole tournament??? Actually yeah, that’d be awesome!

“Maybe this is the kind of motivation that will give them the last kick our team needs to be successful,” Ottakringer Brauerei AG chief executive Sigi Menz said in a statement, adding he would personally deliver the winner’s supply for the whole first year. Now if this isn’t enough to motivate the side (ranked 92^nd in the world) to perform better than they did against Croatia last week, then they are a real lost cause, but one wonders if it might encourage some slightly selfish ball-hogging in the final third. Also, what happens if they are awarded a penalty? Surely fist fights will ensue over the priceless booty?! Obviously the smart play would be for the players to all agree to divvy up any Ottakringer won and to just play as a team, but remember, these are footballers we’re talking about here.

Thanks to http://euro2008.worldcupblog.org, and as ever the Spoiler, for the heads up on this one

The Man Would Be King

So finally after months of speculation, Big Phil Scolari has been appointed as Avram Grant’s successor at Chelsea. For those of you not in the know, Scolari was a World Cup winner with his native Brazil in 2002, and in his five years as Portugal head coach, has led them to the final of Euro 2004, and the semi-final of World Cup 2006. Scolari made a habit of out-flanking England with both national sides, and as a proponent of attacking football and flair, is the ideal candidate for Roman Abramovich. Unlike Grant, Scolari is also a real passionate personality, even famously once reacting to a vital Portuguese win by telling the world's media that he was off to give his wife a hug, and perhaps a little more if “the mood took them.” Furthermore, he is pretty esoteric in his managerial approach too, providing both Brazilian players and Portuguese players under his command copies of Sun Tzu’s famous 6th century BC tactical manifesto The Art of War to pep them up a bit before big games.

However, it might not all be sunshine and roses in West London from now on. By no stretch of the imagination will Scolari be a patsy, or a conduit for Abramovich himself to run the team; the Brazilian is opinionated, autonomous and even volatile, meaning he won’t be told what to do and certainly if he has something to say, he will shout it. What is interesting about this appointment is that a few years ago now, he actually rejected an approach from the FA to succeed Sven-Goran Eriksson as England manager because he was unhappy about media intrusion, something he will certainly have to deal with day-today at a club such as Chelsea. Now either that was a lie to dodge the difficult truth that he simply thought the national team was a hopeless and poisoned chalice (not an unreasonable position), or he has a plan to maintain his privacy. Either way, I’m sure a £15million deal helped ease any concerns he might have had. The only remaining apprehension voiced from some circles is his lack of recent European club experience, with the last seven years of his managerial career limited to the international circuit, which is clearly a totally different proposition. Success surely is success however, and before taking over the Brazilian reigns, he proved his ability in Serie A with several clubs, and back home in the national league with Palmeiras and Cruzeiro.

Now obviously Chelsea have always had money, but under Avram Grant they suffered without a big name manager to draw players to the club. With Scolari they have one of the biggest in the world, certainly matching Jose Mourinho as far as reputation amongst players goes. The Portuguese players already at Cheslea are obviously more likely to stay now, while unhappy nationals elsewhere such as Deco will be eying a lucrative move alongside their current boss. Finally, the big names on Abramovich’s supposed target-list, Kaka’ and David Villa, are going to now find it even more difficult to resist signing on that dotted line, especially with the ridiculous sums of money being touted more than likely a reality.

So what kind of Chelsea will we see next season under Big Phil then? Well hopefully an entertaining side with an attack-is-the-best-form-of-defence mentality; one that will compete with Manchester United not just on a pragmatic level, but also on a pure footballing level too.

UPDATE: Phil shows the cameras his secret weapons:

Just Exile Him, Please

Pillow-biting jailbird and professional bell-end Joey Barton was yesterday given an ultimatum by Newcastle big cheese Mike Ashley that he must either take a £30,000-a-week pay cut or face being sacked. Now considering the circumstances, this sounds like an incredibly reasonable offer; in virtually any other profession on the planet, you would just instantly be sacked if you had such a brush with the law, so why do footballers get special treatment? Lee Hughes, for example, went to jail for several years for causing death by dangerous driving, but within a fortnight of leaving prison he was back playing again for Oldham. Doesn’t this kind of thing sort of send the wrong message to both young footballers and general dissenters of the game? If footballers appear to be above the law, then they start behaving that way, and Joey Barton’s playing career has been defined by assault after assault, so why are respected professional clubs continuing to entertain the jumped-up little prick? He’s not even that good!

Anyway, Barton will be asked to give up £6million in total wages over the next four years if he signs the new deal, which still leaves him just about rich enough to scrape by with a couple of Ferraris. In a show of unbelievable conceit and ignorance consistent with his character, the midfielder has been reportedly “stunned” by Newcastle's hardline approach. I mean seriously, was he expecting a pat on the back and pay-rise?! Barton’s salary has already been stopped, but he had hoped to be back in pre-season training next month before a more recent development with the courts. He faces a second trial this month on a charge of assaulting former team-mate Ousmane Dabo while playing for Manchester City, where in a training-ground incident, Barton allegedly just jumped him, and pummeled him to the extent he suffered a detached retina. It’s yet to be proven, but I think we all know our Joey did it.

Should Barton turn down the revised terms he will be sacked and have to find another club as a free agent, although that could involve a further wrangle with United over his fee. At the end of the day, it all comes down to money. Ashley clearly wants rid of Barton because he’s a piece of shit, but ultimately he still wants to make some wonga off him if they can sell him on. Honestly, would any other club be stupid enough to sign him given his history and, er, personality? Unfortunately, the answer is almost certainly yes.

UPDATE: Joey Barton has now refused to take a paycut, which hopefully signals the end of his career, at least in the Premiership.