B.N.B.G.

This week the highs and lows of a Premiership footballer’s pampered life takes us to the quaint Conservative Party haven of Knutsford in Cheshire. Having previously hosted scenes for Spielberg's Empire of the Sun and George C. Scott's Patton, shoppers were witness to a different kind of scene altogether recently as squad cars full of police rushed to apprehend two men “of African descent,” suspected of “casing” a jewelry shop. Ageing and overweight CCTV operators, already alarmed at seeing two black men walking up their North Country High Street, became even more suspicious when they spotted the two men looking in the window of a local jewelry shop. Grabbing batons, handcuffs and knuckledusters, Cheshire county police raced gleefully to the scene of the reported crime only to find none other than Everton's club-footed failure Victor Anichebe, accompanied by a loyal homie.

Hilariously dubbed a “Premiership ace” by The Sun, Anichebe is currently injured and out for the season, spending most days counting his cash, masturbating and playing Pro Evo. Not simultaneously though. That would take about five hands. This particular day however, he had taken a day off from home life to hobble around town looking for some new earrings, before being swiftly accosted and subjected to rigorous interrogation by Knutsford's finest. Protesting "I'm a footballer - I play for Everton. Why would I want to rob a shop?" disbelieving officers confiscated his crutches and handcuffed his friend during the ensuing “heated dialogue.” With hopes of taking the pair into custody away from the prying eyes of the public for some good old-fashioned brown bashing, disappointed officers were forced to let them go after a crowd gathered and long held dreams of reinterpreted scenes from office-favourite American History X were saved for another day.

Obviously never told that being black in a middle England village is equivalent to wearing a sign saying ‘I will rob your shops, burn your homes and rape your daughters,’ Anichebe continues to remonstrate, demanding a full and unconditional apology from the Cheshire police force in response to the incident. Strangely this appears to still be pending. Conflicting and unconfirmed reports have it that the officers involved were either disgruntled Everton fans furious that Anichebe's six Premier League goals in four years had cost the club roughly £520,000 a piece, or simply members of the local BNP out to show a couple of immigrants the strength of standard issue riot boots.

Seriously though, recent claims that racism within the police force is a thing of the past are, frankly, galling in the light if this and other recent events. Further digging here at STT has discovered that the overwhelmingly middle-aged and middle-class demographic of Knutsford favour reading everyone’s favourite hate-rag, The Daily Facist, coincidently the only major news publication not to publish this story. Go figure.

Watch Out Minorities, He’s Back on the Streets

Ok I’ll admit it up front that it’s gonna be hard to write this piece without it descending into a rant about the current state of British ‘justice’ and the moral bankruptcy of football, but I shall try my best. You see, STT anti-Christ Joey Barton was yesterday released from jail after serving less than half of his prescribed sentence, and guess who’s prepared to welcome him back to Premier League football with open arms? Yes, professional penis Kevin Keegan apparently sees no problem in handing the brain-dead thug another chance to prove he isn’t just a complete shit.

To show just how, I guess ‘unfair’ is the right word, life is, The Sun have dug up Jaime Tandy, the ex-Man City youth-team player who had a cigar delightfully put out in his eye by the heinous little prick at a club party four years ago. He was then sensitively booted out of the club by then-boss Keegan months after the incident, and drifted into non-league football. Now 23, Jaime supplements his modest pay from Bradford Park Avenue by working as an industrial window cleaner. Now also a dad of two, he offered this sob-story: “I couldn’t believe it when I heard what Keegan had come out with. He says he’s going to give Barton another chance – but how many chances does he need? Keegan didn’t give me another chance. I was out the door at City the first chance he got. Yet he’s prepared to bend over backwards for Barton.”

Barton served just 74 days for beating up a teenager outside a Liverpool diner, but was also given a four-month term, suspended for two years, for attacking ex-City teammate Ousmane Dabo. He is expected back at Newcastle’s training ground this week, but how many more chances is he going to get in this strangely charmed life he punches and spits his way through? Surely other people can see that he is literally the lowest of the low, and just isn’t even that decent a player! Can someone please just hit him with their car? Thanks, that’d be great.

Just Exile Him, Please

Pillow-biting jailbird and professional bell-end Joey Barton was yesterday given an ultimatum by Newcastle big cheese Mike Ashley that he must either take a £30,000-a-week pay cut or face being sacked. Now considering the circumstances, this sounds like an incredibly reasonable offer; in virtually any other profession on the planet, you would just instantly be sacked if you had such a brush with the law, so why do footballers get special treatment? Lee Hughes, for example, went to jail for several years for causing death by dangerous driving, but within a fortnight of leaving prison he was back playing again for Oldham. Doesn’t this kind of thing sort of send the wrong message to both young footballers and general dissenters of the game? If footballers appear to be above the law, then they start behaving that way, and Joey Barton’s playing career has been defined by assault after assault, so why are respected professional clubs continuing to entertain the jumped-up little prick? He’s not even that good!

Anyway, Barton will be asked to give up £6million in total wages over the next four years if he signs the new deal, which still leaves him just about rich enough to scrape by with a couple of Ferraris. In a show of unbelievable conceit and ignorance consistent with his character, the midfielder has been reportedly “stunned” by Newcastle's hardline approach. I mean seriously, was he expecting a pat on the back and pay-rise?! Barton’s salary has already been stopped, but he had hoped to be back in pre-season training next month before a more recent development with the courts. He faces a second trial this month on a charge of assaulting former team-mate Ousmane Dabo while playing for Manchester City, where in a training-ground incident, Barton allegedly just jumped him, and pummeled him to the extent he suffered a detached retina. It’s yet to be proven, but I think we all know our Joey did it.

Should Barton turn down the revised terms he will be sacked and have to find another club as a free agent, although that could involve a further wrangle with United over his fee. At the end of the day, it all comes down to money. Ashley clearly wants rid of Barton because he’s a piece of shit, but ultimately he still wants to make some wonga off him if they can sell him on. Honestly, would any other club be stupid enough to sign him given his history and, er, personality? Unfortunately, the answer is almost certainly yes.

UPDATE: Joey Barton has now refused to take a paycut, which hopefully signals the end of his career, at least in the Premiership.

Justice is Served

Something strange is happening in the English justice system. Within the last two months we have seen first Pete Doherty, and now Joey Barton, finally sent to jail for a succession of crimes that any average joe off the street would’ve gone down for years ago. Now don’t get me wrong, I like Doherty; he’s a bit of an idiot sure, but a harmless rogue at heart. Barton however, is just a vicious piece of shit, showing his true colours time and time again without a hint of remorse. Today he was sentenced to six months in jail, for what the learned Judge Henry Globe QC called a “violent and cowardly act.” Sounds about right folks doesn’t it?

The court heard how Barton had been out on a Boxing Day bender with his brother, cousin, and assorted other ragmuffins in Liverpool city centre. Barton's cousin, the undoubtedly gorgeous Nadine Wilson, and his brother Andrew also pleaded guilty to their part in the assaults. Reportedly Barton had drunk more than ten pints of lager before understandably stopping into a McDonald's on Church Street. There the motley crew got into a heated exchange with some hooded youths inside the fine establishment, before leaving and walking away further up Church Street. Our Joey was then caught on CCTV knocking an unidentified man to the ground, before straddling him and cracking him four or five times as his cousin menacingly threw food at the victim. The Premier League star then punched the unconscious man many more times, before moving on to someone closer to his own mental age; the Newcastle midfielder randomly attacked a 16-year-old, punching him too and leaving him with a mouthful of broken teeth.

Judge Globe told presided: “Without doubt, the most serious of the three offenders is you. You were restrained by others but ignored them and acted in an extremely violent and aggressive manner.” He added: “You have a high profile as a footballer and you know that draws attention to you. Yet you drank to excess and behaved in an aggressive, disgraceful manner.” Barton was also ordered to pay a pathetic £2,500 to the youth whose teeth he broken, but let’s hope he pays more with his pretty little mouth in jail. This heinous human really should never play professional football again, but undoubtedly he’ll be given a pay rise or something after spending (realistically) about a fortnight in the nick. His club said in a statement to the BBC this afternoon: “Newcastle United notes the sentence passed to Joey Barton at Liverpool Crown Court today. The club is considering the verdict and will be making no further comment at this moment.”

Good Luck Holding Onto Your Toffees in Jail!!!

Tim Cahill's goal celebration in yesterday's victory over Portsmouth has been revealed as a tribute to his jailed brother Sean, who was sent down for 6 years for GBH last January. Cahill pucnched the corner flag in his trademark post-goal celebration, but then went on to cross his wrists in a fashion not dissimilar to an X-factor hopeful or Kenzie out of Blazin Squad.

Sean assaulted a man in 2004 in London, kicking him in the head repeated when he was on the deck - a tactic possibly picked up from his brother during his stint at Millwall. Everton have since rushed to defend Cahill from accusations that the celebration was in bad taste and a spokesman for the club said this without any hint of irony:

"He is a very articulate young man and will have weighed up the pros and cons and decided to do it because it was a personal and emotional matter."

Cahill might have taken inspiration from Amy Winehouse, whose numerous dedications to her husband Blake Fielder-Civil have pissed fans off around the world. STT hopes that Sean does ok in jail, as the only real experience of incarceration we've had is the fantastic prison dram Oz. If Sean was in Emerald City, that Adebisi would have his hand in his pocket (in every sense) before you could say 'don't shiv me'. Maybe Cahill and the delightful Michael Barton, the cousin of cheery Scouser Joey, could become pen-pals. Who knows, they might learn a bit about tolerance in the process.