Resistable Talent

Danielle Lloyd has led a great life: she’s slept with Jermain Defoe, which, for a woman, is about as good as it can really get. Anyway, a quick scan over her biography tells me that it hasn’t always been high-flying decadence for Ms Lloyd, she truly started from the bottom; Liverpool specifically. At the age of 16, she began modeling, and upon finishing school, she decided to pursue that dream dual career of modeling and beautician-ing, obviously specializing in massage. As she built up her modeling reputation (read: had implants), she also became a qualified nail technician. Now it’s not quite clear whether this is nails as in fingernails, or nails as in those-things-you-hit-with-a-hammer, but I like to assume it’s the latter.

Construction work found itself permanently on the back-burner in 2004 when Lloyd was crowned Miss England, with the Miss Great Britain title following just two years later after she systematically ‘eliminated’ Miss Wales and Miss Ireland (Miss Scotland was deflatingly considered “no competition”). Controversy reared its fire-damaged face shortly after the award however, when it came to light that nude pictures of her in a recent Playboy might’ve tipped the balance in her favour. Obviously this was outrageous; as far as I’m concerned Lloyd showed initiative, and the only thing holding the other contestants back from doing the same was something pathetic called ‘integrity.’ Amusingly there was another twist in the tale, when it was revealed that Lloyd had also had an affair with one of the pageant judges. You’ll never guess who that was though: Teddy Sheringham! Ridiculous isn’t it!

Completing her abridged biography, is a memorable appearance on the BBC’s Test the Nation, where she was asked “Who was Winston Churchill - a rapper, the US President, the Prime Minister or the King?” Lloyd, quite brilliantly dead-panned: “Wasn't he the first black president of America? There's a statue of him near me - that's black.” Sometimes I really despair.

Anway, snap to the present, because today Lloyd has launched her own modeling agency, snappily titled Irresistable Talent. To publicise this moment of history, Lloyd played it safe and just got all the crew together for a nice old fashioned lingerie shoot. As you’d expect, most of the girls are pretty busty but not-so-great from the neck up. Familiarise yourself with them now though, and expect to see em all hanging off the arm of an average footballer very, very soon…

Orangeboom

Here at STT we rather like Petr Cech. Apart from being one of the best goalkeepers in history, he is pretty much indestructible, capable we hear of surviving 30-storey falls and being repeatedly set on fire. Thing is though, he’s also quite bright, and not just in comparison to Joe Cole. It comes as no surprise then that recently he has been working with some weird people called ‘scientists’ to help in his quest to be literally unbeatable between the posts for Chelsea. Afters hours of research and clinical trials, Cech has finally found his secret weapon, and hopefully, strikers’ kryptonite: an orange shirt.

“Studies say the orange colour spreads the most when the striker attacks, in the split of a second as he focuses,” said Cech knowledgably, “this colour is like a sort of alarm or alert which really spreads and is very difficult to avoid, so this should be good for me.” In layman’s terms then, ‘science’ has proved that an orange shirt will distract players more when shooting for goal, and Cech test-drove the world-shaking innovation in Chelsea's crucial title showdown against Bolton on Sunday, although it didn't stop Matty Taylor nutmegging him.

Cech is almost certain to use the new kit against Manchester United in the Champions League final, hoping to give them any extra advantage possible in their quest for that elusive first European Cup success. Despite fears that the colour might clash with Manchester United’s red shirts, a UEFA spokesman told us today that “Chelsea's goalkeeper jersey for the Champions League final match will be fluorescent orange. The reserve jersey will be dark grey. The referee of the game always has the final word regarding the jersey, therefore it is impossible to say today which jersey Chelsea's goalkeeper will be wearing in Moscow.” So that’s nice and clear then.

Those of you with keen memories will no doubt have a sense of déjà vu about this fancy new ‘science,’ as awesome Mexican goalkeeper Jorge Campos famously used to design his own eccentric jerseys in the 1990s with the primary aim of distracting the opposition. His kaleidoscope-style modern art masterpieces were much much cooler though, and as a result his rise to the status of ‘cult hero’ was meteoric to say the least.