Ram Raid

It’s pretty treacherous being a Liverpool player these days. In case you haven’t been receiving updates from the police scanner over the last couple of years, almost half of the entire squad now have been the victims of break-ins at their palatial residences. The latest to be violated is everyone’s favourite waste of space Jermaine Pennant, as the mansion he shares with the delectable Amii Grove was targeted two nights ago by thieves in the night.

The Liverpool winger was apparently sleeping in his mansion on a bed of money when he heard two loud crashes outside. Upon closer inspection, he saw yobs trying to smash their car through the posh electric gates protecting the property. Ever the hero, Pennant leapt up out of bed, grabbed a torch, and went to confront the robbers dressed only in pink bunny ears and a coconut-shell bra. The car sped off, but moments later crashed into a nearby property where it was abandoned. The police genuinely scrambled a helicopter to search for the perpetrators, can you believe that? Gee, it’s nice being famous isn’t it Jermaine?

A streetwise police source said: “It was a well-drilled and audacious crime, and it’s a miracle no-one was hurt. After petrol bombing the car in a field the men sped off in another car in convoy so they clearly knew what they were doing. The victims are understandably quite shook up by the whole experience. Police are probing whether it is connected with similar attacks on Liverpool players in the area.” The filth reckon that the thieves had targeted Pennant’s sports car collection, although secretly we think this was all just an elaborate ruse to get hold of a couple of pairs of his missus’ undercrackers.

A visibly disturbed (i.e. clothed) Amii offered this gush: “Jermaine jumped out of bed and ran down the landing. He has no fear. He saw headlights through the gates, then shouted, ‘Call the police!’ Luckily, by the time he got there these people had raced off. Jermaine was really brave, but that’s the way he is.” Brave yes, literate no. Sorry, that was a cheap shot.

As this two year crime-spree continues, Pennant joins Robbie Keane, Steven Gerrard, Dirk Kuyt, Daniel Agger, Pepe Reina, Peter Crouch, Jerzey Dudek and young Brazilian Lucas Leiva as unfortunate victims of this modern day Robin Hood. Poor Lucas is still complaining after thieves took an Olympic bronze medal, some Brazil shirts and a huge “swag bag full of treasured memories.” It’s ok Lucas, you’re a professional footballer, there’s plenty of time to make more sex tapes.

We Don’t Exactly Like You Either Mate

Thanks to The Spoiler for alerting us to this quite unbelievable piece of idiocy from mega-flop Liverpool striker Andriy Voronin. Speaking to a Russian newspaper this week, he aimed his vitriolic sights at pretty much every aspect of British culture, moaning about how shit his life currently is compared to his glory days last year in Germany with Bayern Leverkeusen. When you start with this opening gambit, you can expect the odd bit of backchat from basically everyone in this country:

“Compared with Germany, England is far behind in terms of comfort and culture”

It gets worse though as the Ukranian then described our fair country as being like a lawless open prison compared to the idyllic serenity that is Germany, where everyone leaves their doors open at night, and children visiting old men to play leapfrog isn’t nearly as sinister as it sounds. Whistfully recalling his potentially drug-induced time in Leverkeusen, Voronin basically misses being the Magical Man from Happy-Land, enjoying his gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane:

“Five out of the seven houses near us are occupied by footballers. Steve Gerrard was burgled recently so a police patrol car comes into our compound fairly often. We hear police sirens all the time. Leverkusen, by contrast, was so much quieter.”

Ok, so rating Germany above England in terms of culture? Check. Describing this country as a crime-filled cesspit where he’s afraid to go outside without police protection? Check. What’s next then…ah yes, the horrible Scouse accent, that definitely won’t ruffle any feathers in your supporter base:

“[Learning] English isn’t the main problem. The main thing is to learn to understand the local players like Gerrard and Carragher. They speak with some peculiar local accent and sometimes I have absolutely no clue what the guys are saying. Many foreign players have the same problem.”

Oh also finally, we’re apparently yet to discover the practice of medicine, and he hates that we don’t make him pay for it:

“The medical services here are poor. When I was in Germany, there were lots of good clinics and doctors. It is nothing like that here - when our child had a skin allergy we waited hours for the doctor to see him. When we finally got to see a doctor, he said he didn’t know how to treat children and to try rubbing in this ointment. That was it. I was stunned. As a result my wife had to go back to Odessa with him and took a full set of tests there.”

Ok so the NHS ain’t all that, fair cop, but you know Andriy with all that lovely money you get given for running about for an hour 5 times a week you could probably afford private healthcare? Kudos for having faith in our ‘system,’ but pretty naïve.

So how do at STT feel about Mr Voronin’s somewhat inflammatory comments? Well there’s a very simple way to sidestep all of the aforementioned complaints Andriy: if you love Germany so much, why don’t you fuck off back over there then? I guarantee no-one will miss you, your shit hair-cut or your post-op tranny of a wife.

Eyes Like Piss-Holes in the Snow

The Sun has printed a fantastic Lock, Stock-esque story involving Steven Gerrard, career ending threats from a mysterious man known awesomely only as “The Psycho,” and a Liverpuddlian gangster ‘fixer’ who supposedly saved the Scouse star. John Kinsella, 43, “sorted out” Gerrard’s little problem having been contacted by the player’s father Paul after The Psycho threatened to shoot Steven in the legs. This campaign of terror reportedly also included attempted extortion, the vandalism of Gerrard’s car, and also a terrifying chase home from training one night. The menacing threats stopped however when the underworld illuminati Kinsella was contacted by Paul Gerrard, and the former boxer and martial arts expert was said to have “put the frighteners” on The Psycho and presumably less-coolly-nicknamed pals.

The story broke during a court case this week, where Kinsella produced a letter from Paul Gerrard as a character reference, describing the “total respect” he and Steven have for the supposed mob ‘problem-solver.’

Printed in the newspaper today, the letter reads:

“I would like to say that in 2001 my son Steven was being terrorised by a notorious Liverpool gangster known as ‘The Psycho’ who was threatening to maim my son by shooting him in the legs. Also he was trying to extort a large amount of money from Steven. We immediately contacted the police and asked for protection. This went on for a long time, during which Steven’s car was smashed up and the gangster chased him while he was driving home from training. We were introduced by a friend to John Kinsella. John then reassured me and my family he would resolve our nightmare. We have never had any more problems from the Liverpool underworld. Steven and I have total respect for John.”

The case in question involves Kinsella (pictured) and three other men being accused of taking part in a £41,000 robbery of a haulage depot in Grantham, so by no stretch of the imagination is this guy Kinsella a modern day Batman. He does seem to have done the right thing here however, as no-one called The Psycho can be good news. Unsurprisingly Gerrard was unavailable for comment on this story, but since he appears to have not been shot in the legs, we can only assume that either this is all complete fabrication, or The Psycho and his friends have been ‘disappeared.’ Permanently.

Rob from the Rich…

In shock news this week, it turns out that Liverpool is not the only place in the world where football supporters are pikey enough to actually steal from their heroes. This weekend Luca Toni’s luxurious Italian villa was broken into and burgled, with thieves taking all sorts of personal items such as old kits from the striker’s illustrious career to date. Perhaps wisely they left the World Cup winners medal, as well as his Golden Shoe accolade, but took further liberties with his fiance’s jewelry and other trophies.

The elaborately coiffured Sicilian hitman found out about this just hours before his team Bayern Munich were due to play Hannover, in a competitive game where they needed to win to stay top of the Bundesliga. Ever the professional though, Toni manned up and was able to bag a quickfire hat-trick in just 24 minutes to give Bayern the win. Check it out for yourself here:

This comes just two months after Steven Gerrard became the sixth Liverpool player in 18 months to be ripped off by masked hooligans, who planned their raids while players were out of the country either on European or International duty. “Four men, wearing dark clothing, hoods and balaclavas, entered the property and stole items of jewelry,” a police spokesman said of the incident. It was a “confrontational burglary” too according to Merseyside police, as professional WAG Alex Curran was present at the Formby mansion while this all took place, although thankfully she was left unharmed. She was understandably pretty shaken up, but it seems that luckily neither of the couple’s two kids were home that night with her.

Previously the homes of Dirk Kuyt, Daniel Agger, Pepe Reina and Peter Crouch were all targeted, with a variety of jewelry and trophies stolen to presumably be fenced for a tenner each to buy heroin. Additionally, former teammate Jerzy Dudek had jewelry, a range of football memorabilia (including his 2005 European Cup winners' medal) and even his Porsche stolen in an attack in June 2006, just before he moved to Real Madrid. Pretty shameless I think you’ll agree.

So what conclusion can we draw from all of this faithful reader? Simple: don’t live in Liverpool as it’s full of scum, but I’m guessing if you are smart enough to work the internet you kinda knew that anyway.

UPDATE: Luca has since thanked his burglars for their 'mercy'. Whether he gets any mercy himself tonight against Aberdeen is a different matter ......