Great Timing

I don’t think there are many football fans out there who don’t have a soft spot for Harry Redknapp, but just days after leaving former club Portsmouth for Premier League prop-uppers Tottenham, Redknapp has somewhat inappropriately been granted the Freedom of the City of Portsmouth. Understandably, a couple of vexed Pompey fans rocked up at the ceremony and rained down heckles on their ex-Messiah. Not just heckles though, but some very naughty boys even hurled eggs and coins at his passing car; thankfully the British sports education system is such that all missles missed their not-exactly-svelte target.

Redknapp said: “The people who shouted abuse are just idiots — 99 per cent of the people who turned up today have been fantastic.” Portsmouth City Council leader Gerald Vernon-Jackson honored ‘Arry by saying: “I was thinking what do I call him. Mr Redknapp, or Mr Harry Redknapp, but no, to everyone in Portsmouth he is just Harry.” At this point, one supporter in the audience quite amusingly yelled: “Call him Judas!” This echoes several banners which were seen around Fratton Park this past Sunday bearing the slogan: Once Forgiven. Twice Forgotten. Judas.

The Judas comments come just weeks after a certain Pompey boss pledged his future to the club with these (apparently empty) words:

“Any unfulfilled dreams I have left in football can be achieved here. I turned down two exceptional offers in the last 12 months and that was a clear indication of where my heart and mind was. It wouldn’t make an ounce of difference who came in for me now. This is where I belong and this is where I want to finish. It would have been easy to walk away in the past year and I don’t think anyone would have had any real complaints. But, as tempting as the offers were, I couldn’t have lived with myself. There would have been a massive sense of betrayal.”

No Grant of Confidence

What makes me laugh most about Chelsea fans is that they are literally never happy these days, and that makes me feel a bit sorry for Avram Grant. For just not being Jose Mourinho, every supporter hates him no matter how much success he enjoys, and it’s pretty much a given that even if he wins the double, Roman Ambramovich will sack him in the summer in favour of a ‘big name.’ But it’s not just disliking him as a person; the fans actively complain that he doesn’t know what he’s doing in the job, and lacks any tactical nous whatsoever. Soooo, just in the last month then, he’s turned around a deficit to beat Arsenal, advanced past Liverpool in a Champions league semi-final, and finally also beaten Manchester United to draw Chelsea level on points at the top of the Premier League pile with the defending Champions. I’m sorry, but what more could he actually be doing? If that’s failure then I’d take it any day of the week for my own club of choice.

It seems that Abramovich still wants more though; this kind of success, sure, but achieved with that kind of swagger that few teams apart from Barcelona possess. Thing is though, for all their delightful play and skills, Barce are out of the Champions League and facing their worst finish in La Liga for quite some time. After guiding Chelsea to their first European Cup final in history, a feat obviously outside of Mourinho’s reach, can Abramovich really sack Grant? Well obviously he can do anything he wants, but it’s just crazy, and strikes me as just acting out like a spoiled kid denied that one unavailable toy. Abramovich hasn’t attended a game since the disappointing Carling Cup Final, and as such, has refused to give Grant any assurances about his job after the season ends. The nervous boss has demanded showdown talks with Abramovich, but the aspiring Bond villain can’t leave Russia at the moment because of presidential elections. As a result, Grant has been told in no uncertain terms by other club officials to just get on with his job and win the Stamford Bridge faithful a trophy.

Radio phone-ins and club forums have amazingly still been plagued with ‘Grant out!’ sentiments this week, even after the jubilation of Wednesday’s victory, suggesting perhaps that it’s just the trendy thing these days among Blues’ fans to toe the party line. Finally though, club captain John Terry has chimed in with this today though: “I would have thought getting to the Champions League Final would be enough to keep Avram his job, things have been very good and results don’t lie. You look at the Premier League table since the manager’s taken over, and he’s been very good. It’s for the club to make the decision. All we can do is get out there and do our best for the manager, which is what we’ve done to get to the final. I think the manager deserves more respect from people outside the club, and rightly so. It’s the first time in the club’s history we’ve got to the final. It’s incredible to get to where we are and still be questioning the manager’s role at the club.”

Tactically, Grant has clearly got it right when it’s mattered, and as far as juggling the egos and massive squad, few people seem as pissed off this season as in the long-forgotten Mourinho era. If Abramovich captures the Champions League this season, one wonders perhaps if he’ll see that as crowning jewel, and pull out altogether. His uncharacteristic lack of attendance in recent months seems to indicate that maybe he’d losing interest, and with that missing trophy finally captured, he might feel it’s time for pastures new. If that happens, be very afraid for Chelsea.

I Thai-ed My Best

This guy Thaksin Shinawatra is a bit of a slippery customer to say the least. Surely being ousted as the President of Thailand by a military coup was a bit of a red flag to all Manchester City fans that he perhaps doesn’t fly straight, but recent talk now suggest that he’s completely lost the plot at Eastlands. After just one pretty impressive season, the word on the street is that manager Sven-Goran Eriksson is to face the chop in the summer after failing to produce instant results and presumably winning Premier League. Admittedly the Sky Blues have suffered a post-Christmas slump, and a couple of Sven’s big money signings haven’t come to fruition, but for a first season Sven has done remarkably well to mesh together a group of players who’d never played together before, even scoring a historic double over local rivals Manchester United. As The Telegraph perhaps rightly pointed out today, this is a sign of not being fit to run the club, as surely just ignoring the fans completely shows how little idea some foreign owners have of the passion within English football?

Now however furious players are lining up to follow the Swede and quit City. Club captain Richard Dunne will be among them, as will his defensive partner Micah Richards, and promising young English midfielder Michael Johnson. Playmakers Elano and Martin Petrov will also be looking elsewhere, after joining the club basically only on Sven’s desire to sign them, and the ex-England coach’s reputation. Eriksson’s long-time colleague Tord Grip confirmed today that they will definitely be out at the end of the season: “I don’t think the owner has been patient enough. We think that we have done it well. It hasn’t been that good after Christmas but there is always ups and downs in football. The Premier League is like a marathon. It takes time to build up a team that will be competitive in the Premier League.” According to The Sun, the normally cool Sven had a blazing row with Shinawatra in a meeting on Sunday, apparently sparked by Shinawatra’s refusal to allow Eriksson any say in the summer’s transfer dealings, a state of affairs which contradicts his contract with the club.

It is not just players who are pissed off though, with a fans’ revolt potentially on the cards should Shinawatra attempt to install a puppet in the summer for him to pull the strings of. Obviously all the usual names such as Rikjaard and Scolari are being thrown around as potential replacements, with STT favourite Slaven Bilic’s name also in the ring, but chances are none of these men will satisfy the mutiny should all of the above players leave. Head of this loose collective is famous City fan Noel Gallagher, who said Shinawatra must be “living in cloud cuckoo land” if he thinks sacking the manager is a good idea.

Speaking to BBC Radio Five Live, Gallagher continued:

“To get rid of him after the best season I can remember is ridiculous. It can't be for any footballing reasons. For a club that's been going nowhere fast for the last 25 years…he turned it around and gave us a bit of style and dignity and grace. He bought some great players. The fans have got pride back in the club… I just think it's beyond a joke.

“This guy Shinawatra has come in and he seems like a bit of a nutcase. The only thing that will get him off the hook is if he's got Mourinho lined up. Apart from Mourinho Eriksson's the best thing out there. I'd be amazed and appalled if I met a City fan who thought getting rid of Eriksson was a good thing. They all love him up there. I'd give him a big kiss and say, ‘You know what, you take them to the cleaners.’”

You'll Never Work Alone

Less than a week before Liverpool are due to face Chelsea in the Champions League semi-finals, still the backroom beef is ongoing, with co-owner Tom Hicks describing chief executive Rick Parry's time at the club as a “disaster.” Last week Hicks called on Parry to resign, but the former Premier League chief, still backed by co-owner George Gillett, rejected the demand. With 50/50 owners Hicks and Gillett no nearer to resolving their battle for control, and Parry and team manager Rafa Benitez also failing to see eye-to-eye, off-field issues are in danger of engulfing the club yet again.

Speaking for the first time since rumours of a falling out between the two American co-owners reached the press, Hicks told Sky:

“Look at what's happened under Rick. It has been a disaster, we have fallen so far behind the other leading clubs. We should have the stadium built by now. We have two or three major sponsors when we should have 12 or 15. We are not doing anything in Asia the way Manchester United and Barcelona are, and we have a tremendous number of fans in Asia. We have still got the top brand in the world of football but that's no good if you don't know how to commercialise it. Rick needs to resign from Liverpool FC. He has put his heart into it but it is time for a change. You have to be able to work with the manager and Rick has proved he can't do that.”

The Texan also revealed he plans to rid the club of all debt by heading up a group of financial backers willing to invest in the club. This comes as news broke today that the club may be forced to sell Ryan Babel and Fernando Torres after problems paying back their loan surfaced. As explained expertly by The Spoiler, Premier League clubs usually fund purchases through television income, but Liverpool made the unusual step of borrowing the money from banking institutions to pay for their two big imports last summer. Therefore if they fail to pay back their outstanding balance and accumulated interest in time, it’ll be bye-bye Babel and farewell Fernando (sorry). This would surely be the last straw for loyal Scouse fans who must be sick to death of this playground bitching and histrionics by now. Torres especially is the Kop newest hero, and in just a season has risen alongside Gerrard as a talismanic figure for Liverpool. If he was forced out due to monetary dealings and paperwork then you can’t help but feel that the two Americans would have an actual mutiny on their hands.

At the end of the day, this situation is symptomatic of the franchise mentality of foreign owners, and their insistence on ‘branding.’ Don’t get me wrong, I am not averse to investors from abroad taking over football clubs, but at the end of the day, football clubs are different from American sports teams, who lack any local anchor or identity. Football teams are not businesses in the traditional sense, and foreign owners must appreciate this, let alone the on-field impact their boardroom turmoil can make manifest.

Mr Personality

Half of me feels sorry for Avram Grant; brought in as a bit of patsy, and crucified by the press and club supporters whenever possible. However, it’s hard to escape the sneaking suspicion that at heart he’s still a complete cock, as demonstrated by his petulant and simply unprofessional behaviour following Chelsea’s scrappy 1 – 0 win over Everton last night. Grant not only snubbed all TV interviews, presumably in protest to the game being brought forward 48 hours at the behest of Sky, but also gave this quite ridiculous interview to the written press. Everyone in the newspaper business has been left bemused and a little insulted really by last night’s events, so here then to read for yourself is how it went down:

Q: A deserved win?

A: “Yes.”

Q: What pleased you about the display?

A: “I’m pleased.”

Q: What pleased you?

A: (After eight second delay) “I don’t know.”

Q: Do you have an issue with the Press?

A: “No.”

Q: Is it a relief to win here?

A: “Yes.”

Q: Are you more satisfied with the performance or the victory?

A: “Both.”

Q: The Chelsea fans must believe you are still in the title race, do you have a message for them?

A: “No.”

Q: You seem less chatty than usual. Is it because of Sky TV moving the game to a Thursday?

A: “Maybe it’s because of you.”

Q: Is it a protest against newspapers?

A: “No. Why?”

Q: Is this because of Sky?

A: “No. Sky is OK. I enjoy watching it.”

Q: Is it easier to say nothing Avram?

A: “I don’t know.”

Q: Would you not like to gain some positive publicity for the result?

A: “You can write what you want and I can answer what I want.”

Q: Do you feel under pressure to deliver a trophy?

A: “No.”

Q: (Where was) Michael Ballack?

A: “Injured.”

Q: What’s his problem?

A: “Ask the doctor.”

Q: He’s not here Avram.

A: “Well call him then.”

It’s childish in so many ways, and surely a sign that the pressure is getting to him rather than any kind of clever media protest. Managers have to play the media game, it’s part of the job description, and despite the mockery we’ve made of Arsene Wenger recently over his post-interviews, at least he’s there and prepared to offer the club a passionate public face. What kind of message though does this apathetic-at-best performance send out to the Chelsea fans nationwide? Replaced in the summer even if Chelsea somehow manage to win the Premier League/Champions League double? You better believe it.

There’s no Black in the Union Jack

Of the 92 League clubs in this country, who would like to guess how many have black managers? Given the ethnically diverse world we now live in, and the almost even split of white and black players throughout clubs these days, you’d expect 40 or 50 right? Er, there are two; Paul Ince at the MK Dons and Keith Alexander at Macclesfield.

It’s a fact that I think everyone is kind of struggling to explain. Casting the net wider to include those involved in football behind the scenes at administrative and executive level, we find just as few black faces. The Voice, Britain’s leading newspaper for the black community, published last week their annual ‘Black List,’ which counted down the most influential Afro-Caribbean people in football in this country. The rundown featured a couple of senior administrators, such as Millwall's executive deputy chairman Heather Rabbatts, assistant chief executive of the PFA Bobby Barnes, and also finally, Jason Rockett at Sheffield United who is the only black chief executive currently in professional English football. Other notables included in this ‘Black List’ were a few obvious broadcasters, such as Chris Kamara and Garth Crooks, along with England women’s coach Hope Powell, up-and-coming sports agent Chris Nathaniel (clients include Micah Richards, Obafemi Martins and Ryan Babel) and the only current player on the list; this week’s England captain, Rio Ferdinand.

However, it seems that the shift from player to manager is the one that often black players seem reluctant to make. During, for example, Paul Ince’s career, there were perhaps not as many black stars as there are now, yet many successful and respected players still jump out…Ian Wright, John Barnes, Paul Parker, Michael Thomas, Robbie Earle…to name just a few. So while the likes of Roy Keane and Gareth Southgate strolled into top flight management upon ending their playing careers, why is it that retiring black footballers seem to bolt from the game and instead often head into the media? Speaking to BBC Sport this week ahead of his side’s FA Trophy Final at Wembley this weekend, Ince addressed the issue: “A lot of fantastic black footballers that have been in the game have all of a sudden disappeared and gone out of it. Maybe they feel they're not really cut out to be a manager, I don't know.” Like I said, it’s a fact that I’m at a loss to explain as well, because it isn’t even like the horrendous racial abuse of football’s yesteryear is still prevalent around the country.

With Ince building on his previous success with Macclesfield, many in the game believe it is only a matter of time before England’s first black captain becomes the Premier League’s first black British manager, but given that it’s taken more than 15 years to happen, there’s clearly something wrong somewhere. Don’t misunderstand this article as an accusation of inherent racism within the game or the creation of some kind of ethnic conspiracy though, it’s just fascinating how the fact of two black managers out of 92 can co-exist with a 20-man England squad this week which included 12 black players. Ince continued: “If I can be the yardstick then I've done something good. I hope I can say to people like (Andy) Cole, (Sol) Campbell and (Ledley) King that once they've finished playing football, why go out of it?”

Former England international and Spurs striker Les Ferdinand is keen to follow in Ince’s footsteps, but having taken his UEFA B coaching licence and a certificate in applied management at Warwick University, says that “the opportunities are not quite there for black managers at the moment.” He continued: “There seems to be the same thinking about black coaches as there was about black players in the 1970s. It used to be the case that a manager would look at a black player and think ‘he's quick, we'll play him up front or on the wing’... I think black coaches are being stereotyped in the same way at the moment. You see black people behind the scenes at football clubs, but not at the helm.”

You get the feeling that the tide might be about to turn though, with the FA under the microscope at the moment following the somewhat outspoken comment from Garth Crooks (current football adviser to the Commission for Racial Equality) that English football should be “ashamed of itself” because of the lack of black coaches. As ever though, the danger is of over-compensation and so-called ‘positive discrimination,’ a fact that Ferdinand is all too aware of: “I don't want a job because it's the politically correct thing to do. I want it because I'm the best person available.”

Jewell de Nile

There are some people associated with football that you are just waiting to be named and shamed by the press. Paul Jewell however, is not one of them, and it came as a bit of a surprise this past weekend when the News of the World published a pretty graphic expose of his extra-marrital activities. The current Derby boss not only cheated on his wife of 19 years, but was also stupid enough to actually film much of the action as he went to town on a pretty ropey old blond woman. Now Lindsey Lohan, there’s a chick people want to see a sex video of, but a tubby 43-year-old Scouser and his scrumpet? Er, no thanks. It’s the kind of thing that makes me want to gauge my own eyes to save the images being burned forever onto my retinas.

One wonders what exactly goes through the mind of celebrities as they finish filming a lust-filled romp. Sure we’ve all been there, but almost without exception this kind of material tends to remain in the, er, private collection shall we say. For a married footballer, surely the first thought is: “That was hot, I’m going for a smoke and a nap.” But second thought should definitely be: “If my wife or the press ever get hold of that I’ll be in seriously deep shit.” So how did this hour-long spectacular see the light of day? I guess we’ll never know, but presumably the unnamed cuckold in question saw fit to make a quick few pounds but getting the footage off Jewell and ‘accidently’ handing it over to the NOTW.

Forget the hyperbole though, this really ain’t the hardcore bondage flick it’s been made out to be. There’s some mild restraining with silk ties, and he even brings on a vibrator as a substitute (HA HA HA) while he treads water on one occasion, but other than that, this is just good old fashioned grown up sex, you know, the kind your parents have. Jewell (perhaps understandably) keeps his t-shirt on all times to cover his increasing paunch, and hangs out the back of this bird pretty unenthusiastically, clearly suffering from a lack of recent match practice (HA HA BLOODY HA). At one point he can even be heard uttering this pretty weird line: “I'm sweating. Be nice. Don't worry about upsetting me, tell me I'm sweating.” Whatever floats your boat mate.

Perhaps the hottest (bear in mind everything’s relative) part of the skin-flick though is a nice little epilogue filmed on the bonnet of Jewell’s dark Mercedes. As it has the number-plate ‘JJB’ one can perhaps assume that this video is pretty old, but that probably won’t save Jewell’s blushes. The mystery blond writhes around a bit moaning in what I can only assume is passion, before removing her underwear and shaking her ass for the camera while pleading: “Will you fuck me in daylight on your car?” Suffice to say, he didn’t need to be asked twice.

Since arriving at Derby, Jewell has failed to have any real affect on what has been a pretty pathetic effort in the top flight this year, and having scored just 14 goals in total, he should really be concentrating more on the club than playing hide the salami with some swamp monster. Interestingly, Jewell has also been one of the more outspoken managers of late when it comes to the glamorous football lifestyle, cracking down on partying and even having the nerve to help players with marriage problems to work through them. Jewell declared recently: “I told some of the young lads the other day we live in a world of X-Factor and fucking Celebrity Big Brother. Nowadays people are famous for being rubbish and making fools of themselves on TV and it fucking annoys me.” Talk about being host by your own petard.

Wife Alice - Not a looker

Sure his wife’s a dog, but come on, that’s not really an excuse is it, especially when you cheat on her with someone that isn’t exactly a hottie herself. The couple have two teenage kids together, so I imagine school has been a real barrel of laughs for them today. No word yet though on whether Jewell has been kicked out for good, but one assumes that it’s pretty hard to forgive such a humiliating transgression.

Chelsea's 'F-word' May Stand for 'Fired'

All is not well in West London following Chelsea's defeat in the Carling Cup on Sunday. A number of players are upset at not being included in the first team and many fans are questioning Avram Grant's tactics, as he deployed grumpmeister Nicolas Anelka as a left winger, where he barely touched the ball. Players the have got the hump include Joe Cole, who only came on as a substitute in extra time and Michael Ballack, who may be playing the best football of his Chelsea career, while there are murmurings that the club has gone 'backwards' under Grant's stewardship. This pile of rumours has been tempered by the announcement that Grant will be given £100 million to spend over the summer, which is just going to push up prices for every other club.

Celebrity smoker Henk ten Cate appears to have been a target for players' frustrations, admitting to having a training ground bust up with John Terry. He had this to say:

"We are both kind of emotional, but we respect each other fully. We just had a discussion about the intensity of the training session. That's a normal part of the game. There have been a few F-words, no doubt. But that's common in England."

This sort of schoolground vocabulary is amusing, but it leaves you wondering whether Terry used the C-word as well. Ten Cate has been at Chelsea for less than 6 months and his style has not been appreciated, with some players suggesting that his man management leaves a lot to be desired. Add this to the suspicion that he's the replacement for Steve Clark, who is a Chelsea man through and through, and Ten Cate's position may become untenable.

It may not be Ten Cate who is in the most danger, however. Responsibilty for failure in the Carling Cup has to fall on Grant, who also handled the privileged players very badly in the buildup to the final. It turns out that the starting 11 were named just before kick-off, while the players who weren't involved in the game didn't even get a hotel room. It is hard to feel sorry for these players, as they must have hated the extra 30 minute drive in their Bentleys and Chelsea tractors, but upsetting influential members of the team is not the best way to prepare for a cup final.

The fans' accusations of 'backwardness' are serious, but it is easy to see where they are coming from. Apart from the bombastic 6-0 victory over Man City which secured Grant a permenant contract, Chelsea's results under Grant have been positive, yet uninspiring. Fabio Capello can testify to this, after he was sacked by Real Madrid after a year for his negative football, even though they won La Liga on the last day of the season. Grant's situation is not helped by the news that he may be kicked off his UEFA Pro License course, for failing to attend a number of seminars.

It's unlikely that Abramovic would be rash enough to sack Grant before the end of the season and bring in his third manager of the season, but if he has lost the respect and control in the dressing room, keeping him around will surely only serve to damage the team.

Iain Dowie - The Most Sacked Man of the Millenium?

Coventry City sacked Iain Dowie today, after a poor run of results, which has left Coventry in 19th place in the Championship. Rumours that he has left to pursue a modelling career are totally fabricated. This shitcanning comes as the latest in a real string of P45s for the ex-Northern Ireland striker and must make Dowie the most sacked man in the recnet history of anything, let alone football management.

Dowie started his management career as the caretaker boss at Queen's Park Rangers in 1998, until he was replaced by the returning Gerry Francis. This taste of successful management, albeit for only 2 games, led to Dowie taking the vacant position at Oldham, as he had waited calmly in the wings until Mick Wadsworth decided it was time to bugger off. Dowie did fairly well for his first season, leading the mighty Owls into the second division playoffs, before financial difficulties forced him out the next season. Although he didn't actually get sacked from Oldham, Dowie wasn't actually getting paid for the last few months of his tenure, which is as big a hint as any, I suppose.

The Nagasaki suntanned Simon Jordan persuaded Dowie to come to Crystal Palace in 2003 and all was peachy for a couple of seasons, with Dowie turning the club around and leading Place to the Premiership in 2005, helped by Andy Johnson's goalscoring exploits. Dowie even happily dropped back down to the Real League, as Palace were relegated after just one season in the top flight, having impressed with some good performances. Dowie left Crystal Palace at the end of the 2005/06 season, by 'mutual consent'. However, having time left on his contract, it was understood that he would not take another job. Which he did, a whole 8 days later, with top flight Charlton Athletic. Jordan was so infuriated, that he apparently shot his pet labrador in the face and called Dowie to tell him he wasn't going to accept his resignation, but he was sacked.

The case of Charlton Athletic's season last year was a sad and pathetic one, resembling a beached whale of incompetence and foolish appointments, with Dowie only being given 12 Premiership games before he was shown the door, before bringing in his nice-but-crap assistant Les Reed, who got an even shorter period of torture. Dowie then took some time off, before deciding on where he was going to get sacked from next. In the end, he joined Coventry in February last year and has enjoyed mixed league form, tempered by some great Cup results this year, until he was inevitably told to piss off.

During the past few few years, Iain hasn't been alone in his constant striving for unemployment in the face of mediocre performance. His older, uglier (and presumably stupider) brother Bob joined him a Director at Crystal Palace and an assistant at Coventry. Jordan kept Bob hanging about after he sacked his younger brother, presumably just to have someone to point and laugh at, until he got bored of his face and fucked him off in between the sackings of Iain and Peter Taylor. It's pretty obvious why Dowie keeps his brute of a brother around at all times - to make himself feel like he's a good looking guy. Bob looks more like Lawrence Dallaglio, who's has an accident with a garlic press and a bottle of hydrolchloric acid.

STT reckons that Dowie will give it until August to get a job, linking himself with the vacant positions at Liverpool and Newcastle, until he takes the manager position at freshly relegated Scunthorpe for a season and a half. We give him 18 months in the job, until he gets sacked, when Bob become embroiled in a sex scandal involving a fisherman and a pensioner.

Allerdyce Gets the Boot

Sam Allerdyce has become the umpteenth managerial casualty of the season, as he has left the club by mutual consent. By mutual consent, we mean that the American Chairman told him that he was 'holding them back' and it was high time that he jogged on.

Allerdyce has been under fire for the last few months, having overseen a poor run of results, including three straight defeats over the Christmas period. Newcastle is a big club with big ambitions, having made the Champions League and having lead the Premiership in recent years, but sacking the big chap will not make any difference to the club's achievements in either the short or long term.

Allerdyce's sacking will inevitably harm the club more than it heals it, as he has brought in many of his men as assisstants, (with big contracts to boot) while signing a number of players that suit his style of play ahead of the beautiful game that Newcastle has been trying to present for the last ten years. Beye and Newcastle's captain Geremi are two prime examples of this, while Big Sam was lining up a bid for his old skipper and confidante Kevin Nolan, who would have admirably filled a Barton-shaped hole in central midfield. In lieu of these signings, a new manager will likely find this dodgy bunch surplus to requirements, along with the mediocre likes of Smith, Carr and the truly terrible Rozenhal, wasting millions of Dave Ashley's hard earned/spent cash in the process.

Since it sacked Bobby Robson after only four games in 2004, Newcastle seems like an adolescent child divorcing its parents for the second time in three and a half years. Maybe it feels that it's time to get rid of its leader after some bad arguments, but the club has snubbed the two managers of recent years who have given it the greatest chances of success. There is no clear replacement, as Big Al has ruled himself out, while other available managerial stars are either unlikely to be interested (Mourinho, Klinsmann) or no better than Sam Allerdyce himself (Martin Jol, Steve McClaren).

It's a bad day to be Geordie. On the other hand, it's a truly hilarious day to be a Mackem or a Smog.