Swede-u-like

You can kind of understand why people might aspire to look like someone such as David Beckham. He’s pretty handsome I guess, really quite successful, incredibly rich, plus the chicks dig him. Living vicariously through D. Beck as his professional look-a-like probably wouldn’t be the worst life to be honest. Quite why you’d aspire to be a Sven Goran Eriksson look-a-like though is beyond me. Sure he’s been pretty successful in the past but his last five years haven’t exactly been ideal have they?

This makes me suspect that professional ‘Sven-a-like’ Derek Williams is a pretty weird bloke really, but he clearly thinks he has a pretty keen sense of humour. You see, the aging cad yesterday tricked an unwitting Mexican football club into thinking he was in fact their new national coach, giving him a tour of the stadium and even access to a training session. The Mexican football federation has subsequently warned clubs to be on their guard after Mr. Williams talked his way into Club Universidad Nacional's stadium with falsified documents which appeared to have come from the Mexican football federation.

The federation later released a statement saying that he was a double: “At the moment the real Eriksson is in the United States. The person claiming to be him is only a look-a-like. This shows a complete lack of respect.” Only a look-a-like? ONLY A LOOK-A-LIKE???!!! Now that shows a complete lack of respect! Universidad Nacional's coach, Ricardo Ferretti, clearly got the joke though, chuckling to the BBC: “To be honest I was quite amused. The fake Eriksson told me that he was watching my players ahead of his next call-ups, and I believed him!”

Should you need cheering up after, say, life-saving surgery or just want a good laugh at a stag-do, visit Derek’s very professional website. Certainly quite delusional, Williams describes his Sven-a-like persona as: “An enigmatic man of mystery…women swoon and fight for his attention, men admire and are amazed by his achievements on and off the pitch.” He reserves the true modesty for himself however: “(I am) the UK’s no. 1 look-a-like / sound-a-like celebrity double, virtually indistinguishable from ‘the real thing’ but even more surprising, charming and entertaining.” Jese Derek, with that kind of hyperbole you could maybe get a job on our writing staff should the look-a-liking gig not pay off! To book the so-called “complete entertainment package” for yourself, give him a buzz on 07941 743658, and just tell him what a “natural comedian” you think he is to get a discount.

I Thai-ed My Best

This guy Thaksin Shinawatra is a bit of a slippery customer to say the least. Surely being ousted as the President of Thailand by a military coup was a bit of a red flag to all Manchester City fans that he perhaps doesn’t fly straight, but recent talk now suggest that he’s completely lost the plot at Eastlands. After just one pretty impressive season, the word on the street is that manager Sven-Goran Eriksson is to face the chop in the summer after failing to produce instant results and presumably winning Premier League. Admittedly the Sky Blues have suffered a post-Christmas slump, and a couple of Sven’s big money signings haven’t come to fruition, but for a first season Sven has done remarkably well to mesh together a group of players who’d never played together before, even scoring a historic double over local rivals Manchester United. As The Telegraph perhaps rightly pointed out today, this is a sign of not being fit to run the club, as surely just ignoring the fans completely shows how little idea some foreign owners have of the passion within English football?

Now however furious players are lining up to follow the Swede and quit City. Club captain Richard Dunne will be among them, as will his defensive partner Micah Richards, and promising young English midfielder Michael Johnson. Playmakers Elano and Martin Petrov will also be looking elsewhere, after joining the club basically only on Sven’s desire to sign them, and the ex-England coach’s reputation. Eriksson’s long-time colleague Tord Grip confirmed today that they will definitely be out at the end of the season: “I don’t think the owner has been patient enough. We think that we have done it well. It hasn’t been that good after Christmas but there is always ups and downs in football. The Premier League is like a marathon. It takes time to build up a team that will be competitive in the Premier League.” According to The Sun, the normally cool Sven had a blazing row with Shinawatra in a meeting on Sunday, apparently sparked by Shinawatra’s refusal to allow Eriksson any say in the summer’s transfer dealings, a state of affairs which contradicts his contract with the club.

It is not just players who are pissed off though, with a fans’ revolt potentially on the cards should Shinawatra attempt to install a puppet in the summer for him to pull the strings of. Obviously all the usual names such as Rikjaard and Scolari are being thrown around as potential replacements, with STT favourite Slaven Bilic’s name also in the ring, but chances are none of these men will satisfy the mutiny should all of the above players leave. Head of this loose collective is famous City fan Noel Gallagher, who said Shinawatra must be “living in cloud cuckoo land” if he thinks sacking the manager is a good idea.

Speaking to BBC Radio Five Live, Gallagher continued:

“To get rid of him after the best season I can remember is ridiculous. It can't be for any footballing reasons. For a club that's been going nowhere fast for the last 25 years…he turned it around and gave us a bit of style and dignity and grace. He bought some great players. The fans have got pride back in the club… I just think it's beyond a joke.

“This guy Shinawatra has come in and he seems like a bit of a nutcase. The only thing that will get him off the hook is if he's got Mourinho lined up. Apart from Mourinho Eriksson's the best thing out there. I'd be amazed and appalled if I met a City fan who thought getting rid of Eriksson was a good thing. They all love him up there. I'd give him a big kiss and say, ‘You know what, you take them to the cleaners.’”

Hot New Imports - Manchester Edition. Watch out ladies!

Nani (United)

With a Government name like Luís Carlos Almeida da Cunha, it’s no wonder that this young Portugeuse scamp has stuck with his nickname. He has shown a great deal of flair in his 3 appearances this season, coupled with a cool head and decent temperament, made even more impressive when you consider how much of a little whinger Christiano Ronaldo was when he was Nani’s age 2 years ago. Nani has already been deployed on the left and right wings for the champions, showing a real eye for goal, but has yet to hit the back of the net in the League thus far. For pre-season-related goodness though, check this immaculate chip against Far Eastern titans Guangzhou FC -

The promise and willingness is certainly there, but will he start if Giggs, Ronaldo, Rooney and Tevez are all fit?

Anderson (United)

Another United starlet with a long name, Anderson Luís de Abreu Oliveira has not had nearly the same level of early season exposure as Nani. The Brazilian’s favoured role is that of attacking midfielder, a position where United are not exactly lacking, but given Rooney’s injury, he looks perfectly poised to step into the metaphorical breach. With less first team experience than Nani, and a history in the more open, slower Brazilian league before moving to F.C. Porto, he isn’t a dead cert to work in the Premier League, but if he can perform any of the tricks he does here, then he really could prove to be something a bit special. Bears absolutely no resemblance to ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’ presenter Clive Anderson by the way. Or surgically enhanced, home movie star Pamela for that matter.

Valeri Bojinov (City)

This 21 year old Bulgarian spent the formative years of his career in Italy before his transfer to the sunny North West, scoring 29 times for Lecce, Fiorentina and Juventus in Serie A. He holds the records for youngest foreign player to take the field in Serie A, and also the youngest foreigner to score in the league, but he’s got a girl’s name, so…call it even?

After decent performances for City in the opening fixtures, he unfortunately injured knee ligaments as the blue side of Manchester won the derby last weekend:

Rolando Bianchi (City)

‘Rolandinho’ is considered one of the brightest Italian striking talents and had a great showing for Reggiana last year, scoring 19 goals in Serie A, more than any English striker managed last year. When travelling to his first training session for City, he got confused and ended up at United’s facility in Carrington where much teen-movie hilarity ensued! He was subsequently removed from the facility after stripping completely nude and being sick on Sir Alex’s feet. He has since made up for this accidental slight however by scoring in City’s first game of the season, tapping in Elano’s measured cross against West Ham.

Javier Garrido (City)

The dreamy Basque has started at left back for Real Sociedad in La Liga since he was 19, giving him 3 full seasons under his belt in the top flight at the age of just 22. He now looks to be the starter at Man City for the foreseeable future, after Chris Coleman accepted that Sociedad’s relegation last season was too much for the promising Iberian to endure.

Geovanni (City)

Geovanni Deiberson Mauricio dribbles, runs and shoots like a true Brazilian, and has been the key to City’s early success this year. His goals against United and West Ham were decisive, and he has been instrumental in the new slick passing game on display at the City of Manchester stadium. When he first moved to Barcelona, he didn’t cause a storm, but it was his strong play for Benfica in domestic competitions and the Champions League (especially against United) that must have caught Sven’s eye. He was known as ‘sleepy’ by his Benfica team mates, due to his laid back nature, rather than his pace, but I’m sure the City fans will come up with a much cleverer nickname for him. Something catchy like ‘that well good Brazilian. No, not him, the other one.’

Elano Blumer (City)

Part of the new generation of Brazilian talent, Elano has already been singled out by national coach Dunga as a future world superstar and who am I to argue with the great Hawaiian-shirted legend? Following a relatively slow start at FC Shakhtar Donetsk, Elano has since established himself as a truly exciting ‘hole’ player, who could have an instrumental impact in the English top flight this season, pulling the strings for City, if the team can continue their great run of form.

Vedran Ćorluka (City)

Given the daunting epithet of ‘the most beautiful Croatian footballer,’ Ćorluka has always been a promising talent, beginning his career in the Dinamo Zagreb youth team at the tender age of just 8. After just two seasons of regular football with the Croatian champions, his £8 million fee might seem extortionate, but with a full international debut now under his belt, the 21 year old full back is certainly one to watch for the future.

Martin Petrov (City)

Not to be confused with fellow Bulgarian Stiliyan Petrov, Martin has been dubbed 'the new Hristo Stoitchkov' because of his fiery temperament and a powerful left-foot. An attacking midfield player capable of setting up or scoring a goal out of nothing, Petrov has blistering pace as well as good close control, proving himself over two excellent seasons at Athletico Madrid. Desite being sent off after just 8 minutes in his international debut, and crying about it, he now has an impressive 15 international goals in 66 appearences earning him the lofted prize of Bulgarian Footballer of the Year 2006.