Ram Raid

It’s pretty treacherous being a Liverpool player these days. In case you haven’t been receiving updates from the police scanner over the last couple of years, almost half of the entire squad now have been the victims of break-ins at their palatial residences. The latest to be violated is everyone’s favourite waste of space Jermaine Pennant, as the mansion he shares with the delectable Amii Grove was targeted two nights ago by thieves in the night.

The Liverpool winger was apparently sleeping in his mansion on a bed of money when he heard two loud crashes outside. Upon closer inspection, he saw yobs trying to smash their car through the posh electric gates protecting the property. Ever the hero, Pennant leapt up out of bed, grabbed a torch, and went to confront the robbers dressed only in pink bunny ears and a coconut-shell bra. The car sped off, but moments later crashed into a nearby property where it was abandoned. The police genuinely scrambled a helicopter to search for the perpetrators, can you believe that? Gee, it’s nice being famous isn’t it Jermaine?

A streetwise police source said: “It was a well-drilled and audacious crime, and it’s a miracle no-one was hurt. After petrol bombing the car in a field the men sped off in another car in convoy so they clearly knew what they were doing. The victims are understandably quite shook up by the whole experience. Police are probing whether it is connected with similar attacks on Liverpool players in the area.” The filth reckon that the thieves had targeted Pennant’s sports car collection, although secretly we think this was all just an elaborate ruse to get hold of a couple of pairs of his missus’ undercrackers.

A visibly disturbed (i.e. clothed) Amii offered this gush: “Jermaine jumped out of bed and ran down the landing. He has no fear. He saw headlights through the gates, then shouted, ‘Call the police!’ Luckily, by the time he got there these people had raced off. Jermaine was really brave, but that’s the way he is.” Brave yes, literate no. Sorry, that was a cheap shot.

As this two year crime-spree continues, Pennant joins Robbie Keane, Steven Gerrard, Dirk Kuyt, Daniel Agger, Pepe Reina, Peter Crouch, Jerzey Dudek and young Brazilian Lucas Leiva as unfortunate victims of this modern day Robin Hood. Poor Lucas is still complaining after thieves took an Olympic bronze medal, some Brazil shirts and a huge “swag bag full of treasured memories.” It’s ok Lucas, you’re a professional footballer, there’s plenty of time to make more sex tapes.