The Next Victim

Cristiano Ronaldo has the right idea. At 23-years-old, after dipping his metaphorical toe into a pool of busty models, he has already realized that the way forward is nailing young Eastern European trophy wives of wealthy old businessmen. You see it’s the best of both worlds; they have plenty of cash so you don’t have to pay for everything, plus they’re bored and left dangerously horny after years of early nights and faked orgasms. His latest piece is a Ukranian lady called Alyona Hayes, 25, who is currently separated from her 50-year-old husband John Hayes, the director of a cleaning firm in Cheshire.

Now I was under the impression that Ronaldo didn’t really have any friends, but The Sun have apparently dug one up to offer this crucial insight: “It’s early days but Ronaldo seems very keen on her and has wined and dined her at some very expensive restaurants. (He) texts her mobile day and night. She’s very sexy and intelligent and finds him charming and funny. During one evening out together she made him laugh after telling him her dream is to open up a cattery. She adores animals, especially cats.” They seem made for each other don’t they? Alyona currently works in the fashion department at Selfridges in Manchester, but she also moonlights as the face of a dating website which finds beautiful Russian lovers for British men. She just gets better and better doesn’t she?

Despite vowing to divorce her in August, John is incensed that Alyona has moved on, and insists on checking up on her and reading her text messages. He said: “I saw messages coming in from him with his number saved as Ronaldo. They looked like they had been written by a seven-year-old . . . it was dreadful English and they mentioned Portugal.” A little jealous are we John? He continued: “He’s not intelligent in the slightest. Alyona is a very intelligent woman so I can’t imagine what they talk about when they sit down together.” My suggestion John would be that they probably don’t actually do that much talking, nor do they exactly ‘sit down together.’ Sorry, that’s probably not very helpful.