“He’s behind you!” etc etc

I get the impression that playing for Manchester United kind of requires a sense of humour bypass these days. I don’t know why, but it just seems that they all take themselves way too seriously, even the usually reliable Wayne ‘Wazza’ Rooney. However, every Christmas the club’s young players get the chance to inject a much needed smile into Old Trafford by sending up the first team in a festive pantomime. It’s basically the equivalent of final assembly back in the sixth form at school; you know, that one chance of the year to dress up as the female biology teacher that everyone knew was actually born a man, and make some crude wanking gag. Just to give you an idea of the level this normally sinks to, last year’s effort was cleverly dubbed ‘Pant-ho’ and involved a real-time spoof of Ronaldo’s pool party with five hookers.

Anyway, reports have reached STT HQ that this year’s event was one of the best ever, with the big egos of Ronaldo and Berbatov right in the firing line. An excitable source gushed: “The panto was in the form of an ITV News bulletin with Danny Welbeck posing as Sir Trevor McDonald.” Try and contain yourself folks because it gets much more hilarious from there. The man-on-the-inside continued: “The youth team guy playing Ronaldo was wearing a Real Madrid shirt with 123 Days To Go on the front – which is a reference to how long is it until the end of the season.” Comic genius! Ah, Swift must be rolling around his grave trying to sew his sides back together! Even Cristiano himself was tickled apparently: “The real Ronaldo was absolutely pissing himself laughing!”

Finally, and brace yourselves for a laughter explosion, “a coffin was wheeled in with a player dressed as Dracula with Berbatov 9 on his back – followed by someone as Wayne Rooney with a full on Bobby Charlton wig!” I think those two are maybe a little bit subtle for me, but kudos as ever for trying.

There we have it then folks: proof, if ever needed, that footballers are not very bright and not even remotely funny.