Mutiny off the Port Bow!

Just weeks after taking over at Blackburn Rovers, reportedly new boss Paul Ince already has a player mutiny on his hands. Well according to that reliably horrendous publication The Daily Facist anyway. Word on the street is that he is already struggling to win over the players after disillusioning them “by the way he has tried to impose his personality on the club,” whatever that means. Some players are said to be “less than enthusiastic” about Ince’s old school approach to training, drastically different from Hughes's meticulous, scientific method, which probably translates as: ‘they don’t like having to actually run about and work hard for their £50,000 a week salary.’

David Bentley, who has since left the club for Spurs, is reported to have walked out of a training session in disgust not long ago after being ordered to do 20 press-ups as punishment for having his arms folded. Now while half of me is reminded of high school P.E. teachers throwing their weight around by Ince’s behaviour, the other half of me thinks that for the money they’re earning, these guys should respect authority and suck it up. It’s pretty pathetic to just arrogantly walk off over a punishment of 20 press-ups. Finally, the curse of mysterious anonymous source strikes again: “We've gone from a well-organised, well-drilled back-room staff to one that feels like it's been patched together,” someone known only as a ‘senior player’ described. “A lot of us wanted to give him a chance to see how it worked out, but it's not looking too good.” Odds on Ince being the first managerial casualty of 2008 are shortening as we speak…

Bombs over Brazil

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: South Americans take their football pretty seriously. Apparently none more so than fans of Brazilian Serie A side Flamengo who, during a protest against the team’s recent poor form, decided to show how frustrated they really were. You know, in these circumstances it’s customary for fans to chant abuse, or make obscene banners, but this hardcore group of Flamengo fanatics actually threw a BOMB at the team during practice yesterday morning, injuring two players; defender Dininho and striker Obina. Understandably, several players were not too pleased by this action, tried to kick off with the fans and had to be contained by their teammates.

After an auspicious season start, with a State Championship title and leading the Brazilian League after ten weeks, the team's luck has changed somewhat, and the side has not won a match now since July 17. If you think about it, that really isn’t that long, can you imagine is these nutters supported Derby? There’d be nothing left of the Midlands!

What a Whore-ible Man

Despite sporting a very classy new tattoo sleeve on his left arm, Craig Bellamy is still an unpleasant piece of work; it’s cute that he wants to be as street as D. Beck, but ultimately he’s just a shit. This week then the West Ham striker continued on his mission to alienate as many people in the UK as humanly possible, after getting involved in a row with Ipswich fans as he was substituted at Monday night’s game. Bellers is of course an ex-Norwich player, and that Old Farm rivalry has apparently bubbled under the surface ever since leaving the English Riviera. After picking up an injury, Craig was seen to kick an advertising board, and then started to argue with the real psycho hard-men in the family enclosure.

According to local reports, Bellamy swore at supporters and then made reference to Ipswich prostitutes, five of which were of course the victims of a serial killer in late 2006. I don’t know about you but I’m actually quite impressed that Bellamy had the memory recall and self-awareness for such jibes, although I doubt his comments were Swiftian in their wit. Deryck Ayers, who was at the game with his 6-year-old daughter, claimed he was sworn at by Bellamy: “With him being an ex-Norwich player I shouted ‘see you later Bellamy’ and he just turned around and swore at me and he said something about prostitutes in Ipswich.” The strangely-spelled Deryck continued, still flabbergasted: “He (Bellamy) was not very nice. I was shocked because I had my daughter there and there were other kids around in the same area.” Come on pal, this is a guy who hit a team-mate with a golf club because he wouldn’t do karaoke, wise up.

iStalk

Being a hot girl and having a crazy-eyed stalker go hand-in-hand like Lambrini and date rape, so it should come as no surprise that Girls Aloud have had their fair share over the years. Just recently though, things seem to have taken a turn for the sinister, with psychotically obsessive fans popping up all over the place trying to steal underwear, causing the girls to significantly beef up their security entourage. The most threatening incident however took place this past weekend when a drunken wierdo snuck backstage and tried to confront our favourite girls. He reportedly sprinted up to the quintet and started shouting obscenities, just seconds before they were due up on stage, and the Filth had to be mobilised to deal with this impassioned lager-lout.

Showing off that nuanced sense for danger that only bouncers have, three alert security guards pounced on the unnamed fan and brought him to his knees as he attempted to touch ginger one’s hair. The girls were quickly whisked out of harm's way, while a still breathless bystander gave this thrilling account: “It was all pretty dramatic,” he ejaculated. “The girls were due on stage in about three minutes time when he ran up to them! He'd clearly had far too much to drink and was stumbling about the place and somehow he got backstage and within yards of the group. Luckily their security team was on the ball and intercepted him before he was able to do anything untoward, but it took three burly guys to bring him down as he was getting really aggressive.”

Wait just one second though…‘obsessive,’ ‘sprinted,’ ‘shouted obscenities,’ ‘too much to drink,’ ‘aggressive’…these words are all starting to form a pattern. Who do we know connected with the heavenly quintet who is obsessive, able to sprint, frequently shouts obscenities, can’t handle his drink and is unusually aggressive given his pubescent-girl physique? Hmmm

Model Fans

You can always trust Sky to target the real hard-hitting issues. World famine, Girls Aloud wardrobe malfunctions and which Premier League team has the best-looking football fans. Now while common sense dictates that they should be instantly bottom of the poll, somehow Liverpool have been awarded the prestigious crown.

The guys in that office must have a real shortage of creativity, and so much time on their hands it’s criminal, because genuinely this is how they decided to go about deciding this obviously-arbitrary award. Based on the self-congratulatorary premise that their super-cool HD-TV means that fans are now finding themselves on screen four times clearer than before during televised matches, the Sky HD team drafted in ‘top’ model agency D1 Model Management to study HD footage of crowds from every Premier League match last season, and name the best-looking clubs. I mean, come on, I’ve heard of some crackpot schemes in my time but this is so braindead I actually checked whether it was April Fool’s Day.

Talking of braindead, here’s an annoyingly-named man from D1 Model Management, Dean Cleary-Patterson, offering some truly insightful comments: “We're used to scouting the cream of British modelling talent in all sorts of weird and wonderful places,” he giggled, “but football crowds are certainly a new concept for us! We typically take into account a whole range of aspects of a person's appearance, from the symmetry of their features to the glossiness of their hair. It's interesting to know we might need to start scouring the stands of Anfield to find our next big name,” he gushed hysterically. I’m sorry, but “glossiness of their hair?” If anyone knows this Clearly-Patterson clown please relieve him of his testicles as soon as possible… if it isn’t already too late, that is.

Anyway, here are the results you’ve all been waiting for: the Best Looking Sets of Fans in the Premier League as Spotted by Some Tosser who Claims to Have Watched Every Member of Every Crowd in Every Single Match Last Season:

1. Liverpool
2. Fulham
3. Tottenham Hotspur
4. Sunderland
5. Chelsea
6. Newcastle United

7. Arsenal
8. Bolton Wanderers
9. West Ham United
10. Manchester United
11. Derby County
12. Middlesborough
13. Manchester City
14. Birmingham City
15. Aston Villa
16. Everton
17. Wigan Athletic
18. Blackburn Rovers
19. Reading
20. Portsmouth

I felt kind of sorry for Pompey fans, as in my experience they are not obviously less attractive than anyone else’s supporters, but then I found this picture. Jesus Christ.

Party Like It’s 1973

Here at STT we often get painted with the same brush as Nuts and Zoo just because of the occasional display of pleasingly-shaped lady-lumps. So this week we’re attempting to buck this supposedly sexist trend by throwing the ladies (and of course the gays) a metaphorical bone. So yesterday we showed you some confusing snaps of David Beckham wearing some weird old clothes in a boxing ring, but today we have the real treat for you lucky people: three Argentinian guys with long hair that definitely wouldn’t make convincing rapists.

Kickette were the eagle-eyed photographers in this case, snapping Lionel Messi, Fernando Gago and Ever Banega as they prepare for the forth-coming Olympic football championships. Half of me thinks they look cool, and kind of remind of a Pink Floyd tribute band, but the other half can’t shake the realisation that they could just be those weird people who live in the tents opposite Parliament screaming about imperial oppression. GET A JOB.

Becks Idol

It’s all going rather swimmingly for David Beckham across the pond; he’s hanging out with such cool cats as Justin Timberlake, learning to speak English with Elmo, and occasionally getting to play football against guys who can barely stand up. However, this weekend he’s nabbed two very prestigious awards which prove just how popular D. Beck is with the common American male. No, not in a Gay Times ‘Stud of the Year’ way either; in the space of 24 hours Becks was voted the numero uno Stateside sports idol by the hugely vacuous Teen Choice Awards, and also a US style icon by definitely-heterosexual magazine Men’s Health.

Nearly two out of three kids chose the LA Galaxy star as Best Athlete of 2008, beating out such national heroes as part-time rapist Kobe Bryant, super-human golfer Tiger Woods, and even foetus-headed Super Bowl sensation Eli Manning, who led the New York Giants to victory this year in the pinnacle of the US sporting calendar. More than 20 million viewers are expected to watch him receive the accolade from a disturbingly young lady called Miley Cyrus on prime-time TV tonight. Having made it his mission to win over kids and boost soccer’s popularity when he arrived in the US in July last year, Becks seems to be really earning his reported salary of £3.3million a year. The average Galaxy attendance at The Home Depot Centre is now more than 28,000 – a figure higher than Reading, Portsmouth, Fulham, Blackburn, Wigan and Bolton last season. Furthermore, MLS shirt sales rocketed 780% last year, and clubs are seeing a considerable leap in season ticket sales.

Anyway, D. Beck is featured on both the front and back cover of Men’s Health, the top-selling men’s magazine in the States. Dressed very sharply in a suit beside a boxing ring, Becks’ 1920s-inspired autumn style guide shoot is snapped by top music photographer Antony Mandler. I have no idea who that is but apparently it’s a good thing.

In The Cat Corner

When STT was first started almost a year ago, there were two things that I promised myself I would never resort too; up-the-arse corner, and shit look-a-likes. However, while the below picture comes dangerously close to the former, I like to think I’ve just about side-stepped the bane of most half-baked football magazines and supposedly humourous blogs. You see, The Spoiler have taken the up-the-arse corner mentality and run with it to create a fantastical niche known only as ‘Sporno’. Some of the stuff is highly amusing, and much subtler than up-the-arse action shots.

Also, since the picture in question here features a mascot we can just about write it off as part of our WAG/mascot mantra. You can see Mexican outfit CF Pachuca’s excellent cat mascot showing his appreciation for Columbian keeper Miguel Calero’s on-pitch heroics by mounting him. Unfortunately for keepers throughout England, mascot antics tend to be limited to underwhelming t-shirt guns and fighting, but more would you expect from the only country in the world where ‘bottle’ is a verb?

Busy Hands on Tour

I don’t know how he’s done it but former Spurs hero Gary Lineker has landed himself basically the best life ever. On top of holding the honour of the joint-leading England goal-scorer of all-time, Lineker has managed to land himself not only a hot chick half his age, but also a working existence based purely on watching football and golf. As such, Lineker is currently sunning himself alongside La Senza lingerie model Danielle Bux over in Barbados, on the couple’s sixth holiday in the last ten months. It just isn’t fair.

The workshy couple are enjoying their third trip to Barbados this year, while they’ve also recently spent time away in Miami, Vienna and Rome. Even by yourself those six breaks would be alright, but the fact that he’s spending his time with such a fox only raises the man’s bastard rating. Controversially choosing a simple but classic swimsuit, Bux sidestepped the usual look-at-my-cans approach to beachwear currently favoured by celebrities around the world. Perhaps Nereida Gallardo should take a leaf out of her book, as the allergy to bikini material demonstrated by Cristiano Ronaldo’s ex over the last few weeks appears to be getting progressively worse; the Spanish scrumpet has descended from a preference for the tiny bikini to now no bikini at all …

Rising to the Occasion

Over the last couple of weeks one youngster’s name has kept reverberating around the office: Jerson Dos Santos. For those not in the know (i.e. those with lives) he a 17-year-old prodigy who is famous for the fact that two years ago he had never played football before, and now he has had trials with the likes of Fulham, Portsmouth, and er, Norwich. This begs the question of how could he have managed to avoid playing football until the age of 15 growing up, as he did, in Portugal, while also infuriating many hard-working youth-team players who have fought for years to secure professional football club trials without success.

Playing last season in Conference South side Sutton United’s youth and reserves teams, the teenage striker fired in more than 30 goals in his first year with the club. With their recent abundance of highly-rated and exciting youthful talent, Crystal Palace are heading the race for his signature after he linked up with them earlier this week. Dos Santos featured in Palace's second string friendly with Dagenham & Redbridge on Wednesday and impressed manager Neil Warnock so much that he is continuing to train with the side, undoubtedly eying a potential deal after quitting Sutton this week. Agent Tony Finnigan told skysports.com: “I have seen and helped a number of players come from non-league football in recent years. He is currently at Crystal Palace and to be honest it would be a great move for him to go there, they have a young and talented squad and you know if you do well there you will get your chance.”

Ok, so all of you readers over the age of 17 out there, how depressing is this story? I’m sure you, like me, have battled with mediocrity for years playing with various teams, and now there’s this kid who’s 17, been playing the game for two years and has already trained with the likes of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Talent. Having passed the age where Ian Wright was coincidentally spotted on Hackney Marshes a couple of years ago, this latest story just compounds the realization that maybe, just maybe, I won’t actually make it as a professional footballer. I guess I’ll just have to concentrate all my energy into getting the band that record deal then…