Someone Give Gazza a Job

Paul Gascoigne isn't getting better. The Sun reported yesterday that he had been acting suicidally, phoning hotel room service for a steak, but then cancelling it and asking them to bring just the knife. After this alerted hotel staff, the police arrived, to find Gazza unsuccessfully attempting to drown himself in the bath and he was detained under the mental health act for the second time in 3 months.

Much has been made of Gazza's recent red hair, which he shaved off (or was shaved off for him) after a boozy weekend. The tabloids have been making the obvious comparison to Britney Spears, who we all know has been nuttier than squirrel shit over the past year, although this may be the biggest insult of them all for Gazza. You wouldn't find him attacking reporters, flashing his genitals, or having stormy relationships would you? Oh. Still, it's a sorry state of affairs that one of the most exciting and likeable players I have seen play is being compared to a tabloid fueled train-wreck. What can be done to remedy this?

It has been said that the great man was happiest playing football and this theory does seem to hold water. So STT is putting a shout out - which manager wants to give Gazza a job? Come on, he may be 40, but I'm sure he could have scored a couple for Farsley Celtic this year. He would also provide an excellent anti-role model for younger players, in the same way they used to put people in the stocks to dissuade others from committing crimes. Gazza's spell at Boston United a few years ago maybe wasn't the most productive for either player or manager, seeing him disciplined for drinking 37 times in 39 days. This was probably because of the boring nightlife in Lincolnshire, so the alternative was just to be constantly smashfaced. We reckon that the best place for Gazza is one with a low standard of football and a thriving binge-drinking culture. Somewhere like Notts County would suit, where the football is barely professional and the pubs are built on top of each other.

First Blood

We’ve tried to take you around the world in the last few months to luxuriate in some of the great football rivalries present in other countries. We told you Greeks were pretty feisty on occasion, and that Argentinians were passionate to say the least, but for my money, nothing comes close to the Instanbul derby between Fenerbahce and Galatasaray. Now a quick geography/history lesson kids. The Bosphorus sea strait separates the city into a European side and an Asian side; Galatasaray was founded by students of the Galatasaray lycee, and is on the European side; Fenerbahce meanwhile is on the Asian side, and has a largely working class following. The original distinction was that Fenerbahce used to be the so-called ‘people's club,’ while Galatasaray was only supported by the rich and famous. Obviously this rivalry goes back generations (the first recorded riot between the sets of fans was 1934), and over the years there have been many flashpoints worthy of comment, but as far as dedication to a club goes, it doesn’t get much better than the following tale.

Graeme Sounness was obviously a great player, but ever since he retired he’s become both a shit manager and also one of the most objectionable men currently involved in the game. Anyway, in 1996 he decided to take a nice cushty little job in Turkey, as head coach of Galatasaray, and upon beating local rivals Fenerbahce in his first derby at their Sukru Saracoglu ground he did something a touch stupid. He failed to realise just how much the fans of these two clubs hate each other, and thought that simply putting an enormous Galatasaray flag in the middle of the Fenerbahce pitch to celebrate would go down ok :

Apparently the Fenerbahce fans didn’t quite see the funny side of it, and instead saw it as a declaration of war. Sounness had to be escorted off quickly by armed police, and a full-scale riot ensued in the stadium as Fenebahce fans hurled themselves at the wire meshing separating them from the baying Galatasaray fans. To this day, Sounness basically cannot set foot in Turkey for fear of getting shanked by a Fenerbahce fan.

The great thing about proper hardcore football rivalries though is that no-one ever forgets, no matter how long it’s been since you were insulted. The Fenerbahce firm, charmingly known as Kill For You, waited two full years for proper revenge for this slight on their pride. At the first game of the new season, an intrepid fan nicknamed Rambo ran onto the pitch in Galatasaray's Ali Sami Yen Stadium at kick-off, brandishing only a kebab knife and a Fenerbahce flag. He planted the flag in front of 30,000 screaming Galatasaray fans, and then used the knife to keep players and security from removing it for several minutes. You can see the closing moments of this stand here:

The Galatasaray stadium security manager told the press the full details though of this incredible show of bravado: “We got information from the police that Okan Guler, nicknamed Rambo Okan, entered the stadium one night before the game. He slept in the stadium inside the advertising boards and just before the game started he cut off the ad board with his knife and got out.” For my money, this guy is an absolute hero. Can you just imagine having the level of commitment required to dwell for two years plotting the perfect middle finger, not to mention actually carrying it through and staying entombed in an ad board for probably the best part of 12 hours?

Here then is the infamous Rambo giving you some of his manifesto, and without wanting to racially profile, he literally could not look more like a rapist. Now my Turkish is a little bit rusty but I’m pretty he’s saying something to the effect of “Galatasaray have a shit ground and no fans.” Obviously being part of a firm called Kill For You signals some serious intent, but this guy genuinely bleeds yellow and blue according to our source in Instanbul. Would you call his mum a slag? Hmm, probably not.

Anyone Know the Spanish for “I’m going to glass you”?

Some of you might remember a little while ago now we showed you a brief glimpse into the vindictive and petty world of South American football rivalries, chronicling the quite brilliant way Guatemala screwed Mexico over in the CONCACAF Olympic qualifiers. This kind of commitment to holding a grudge can only be applauded, and here then is another fantastic example of just why football in that continent is so much more serious than most of the whinging that goes on over here between so-called rivals. I’m sorry, but if you’re not constantly on the look-out for ways you as a fan can cause severe financial or physical damage to your main rivals, then you’re letting both yourself, as well as STT, down.

As regular city-riots go, Argentinian football derbies are about as hardcore as you can get. The Superclásico is the most important rivalry in the country, contested between Buenos Aires clubs River Plate and Boca Juniors, the two most popular and successful teams in Argentine football. Wiki helpfully informs me that approximately 70% of all football fans in Argentina follow one of these two teams, and during the games the stadiums are known to bounce with the simultaneous jumping of the fans. Most times the matches end with fights between the fans and then the police, but still, it’s a once in a lifetime experience (included in The Observer’s 50 Sporting Things You Must Do Before you Die)

These days however, River Plate are not so hot, so a triumverate of sorts has come into play, with Avellaneda side Independiente also embroiled in the fierce rivalry with the two Buenos Aires giants. Now going back to the 1970s, Independiente were the team in Argentina, winning 7 Copa Libertadores titles, including an unequalled series of 4 straight wins from 1972 to 1975. This amazingly dominant feat earned them the distinguished nickname of “el Rey de Copas,” or the “King of Cups” in the Queen’s English. Earlier this year however, Boca Juniors secured their second consecutive Recopa Sudamericana cup, taking their total to a record-breaking 16 major titles in total (Independiente have 15, and so to do AC Milan etc).

Never ones to miss a good marketing opportunity then, some of the top bods at Nike, Boca’s kit sponsor, cooked up a great line of merchandising based on the fact that Boca had effectively just become the “King of Cups” themselves. How naïve. In a showing of quite genius spite, an Independiente fan heard of this plan, and actually registered a worldwide copyright on the branding of “el Rey de Copas,” along with the internet domain name. Put simply, Nike are in all sorts of problems, having promised Boca this prestigious ceremony and dedicated line of sportswear, so are now still embroiled in a bidding war with this unknown Independiente fan to buy the trademark back off him, but understandably he literally refuses to ever sell! As you can see from the picture below, Independiente have stuck a further middle-finger up at Boca by actually incorporating the “Rey de Copas” tag onto their own shirts this season.

This is truly hilarious. If anyone knows this Independiente fan, buy him a couple of cervezas on STT, you know we’re good for em.

Dida Has a Very Poor Grip on Reality

During Celtic's win over Milan last night, some people may have noticed a fan run on the pitch to celebrate the winning goal and give Dida a little tap about the chops. Here it is:

Although Charlie Nicolas is all dour doom and gloom, UEFA seriously need to chillax about this. He's just a wee jakey having a laugh and he didn't intend to hurt the big Brazilian. If he did, he would have sliced his throat with a big knife in true Weegie fashion. Dida's initial reaction is all rrrrrevenge!!!!, but he soon realises that it's best to play the wimp. I wonder what he'd do if you trod on his toe in the pub? Go down holding his face, I suppose.

Besides, it could be much worse. He could have pierced his foot on a spike. Or he could have been hit by a red hot flare!

The omens are not good for Celtic, however. When the above happened at a Champion's League edition of the Milan derby, Inter were fined a fat wad of cash and banned forced to play their next 4 European games behind closed doors. Something tells me they'll need to do more than that to keep Bhoys fans out ...........

Mascot of the week 3

Name – Paisley Panda

Affiliation – St. Mirren

Animal – Panda

Colour – Black and White

Level of ridiculousness – 5 (the use of a panda as a mascot for purely alliterative purposes is admirable but simply stealing a WWF animal outfit and putting a home shirt on him is lazy at best)

Most common missile pelted with – Actual knives

Crime rating (sponsored by 50 Cent’s G-Unit Records) – 7

As well as being home to the 8^th worst university in the country, according to the Times Good University Guide 2007, Paisley is also the residence of the once-notorious Paisley Panda. Now a much tamer beast, the Paisley Panda’s on-field antics caused uproar amongst rival fans and resulted in the St. Mirren mascot becoming the most infamous in Scottish football.

Well known for doing absolutely anything to wind up visiting fans, the Panda’s moment of infamy came in 2003. After being warned for whipping Queen of the South followers into a frenzy by pretending to shag an inflatable sheep in front of the rural supporters, Paisley Panda finally went too far in the eyes of his employers when he stole a Falkirk strip from the visitors’ dressing room prior to the game and proceed to pretend to use it to wipe his arse in front of the enraged Bairns fans. Complaints to the police ensued, leading to the resignation of that particular incarnation of the Paisley Panda.

A special mention ought also to be made of Paisley Panda’s spectacular hard work in baiting followers of Greenock Morton. The rivalry between the two clubs has always been fierce, with those from Greenock being stereotyped as stinking soap-dodgers on the social (with some good reason), and this provided the Panda with particular ammunition. Emerging in front of visiting Morton fans at St. Mirren’s Love Street home armed with a bar of soap and long-handled brush, Paisley Panda proceeded to “wash” – presumably to teach them how to do it themselves. On another of Morton’s visits, he even produced a giant pine tree air freshener which he placed in front of their supporters, almost sparking a brawl with Morton’s own mascot before the police intervened. No one-trick-pony, he also been known to dance in front of the visitors with a banjo whilst playing the theme from Deliverance, and join in with Morton’s warm-up to lend a disruptive hand.

Though no longer as wild as he was once, mainly thanks to the advice of the local constabulary, Paisley Panda is still present at the Buddies’ games, along with his ‘son’ Junior P. His inspirational deeds have passed into St. Mirren folklore, and thus surely earn him his position as Mascot of the Week.