Like Watching Women’s Football? Try Porn!

Not my words, but rather a précis of FIFA president Sepp Blatter’s somewhat controversial comment that the only way people will ever be interested in women’s football is if the players all start wearing tighter shirts and short-shorts.

"Let the women play in more feminine clothes like they do in volleyball," said the FIFA big cheese, "they could, for example, have tighter shorts." Having clearly spent quite a while thinking about this, his eyes glazed over as he continued: "Female players are pretty, if you excuse me for saying so, and they already have some different rules to men - such as playing with a lighter ball…that decision was taken to create a more female aesthetic, so why not do it in fashion?"

Obviously these sorts of statements tend to rub people the wrong way, and literally within minutes of Mr. Blatter’s verbal diarrhea Pauline Cope, the England and Charlton goalkeeper, said Blatter's comments were “typical of a bloke.” She went on to say: “He doesn't know what he is talking about, we don't use a lighter ball for one thing, and to say we should play football in hot-pants is plain ridiculous.”

Now at STT we like to play devil’s advocate as often as possible, and as such, it seems to us that Ms. Cope has a slight chip on her shoulder and perhaps shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss Blatter’s comments. All men think along the same lines when watching women’s football, because, let’s be honest, the actual standard is worse than abysmal. Even Fulham ladies manager Marieanne Spacey agrees: “Surely it's about skill and tactical ability first and how people look second,” she said. So logically, since they are all intrinsically lacking in skill and tactical ability, appearance should be made paramount in the women’s game? Let’s put it this way: how many more men would watch a women’s match if there were 22 Kylie Minogues were flouncing about for an hour and a half? That kinda shit normally costs hundreds, even in ‘Dam…

Grant Out as Managers Become an Endangered Species

At STT, we like to think that we played a part in his departure, offering cries of 'boo' and 'Grant out' on Monday night. Now the rubber faced chap is back on civvy street.

Claiming that 'the balls didn't bounce the right way for him', Canaries fans would question whether he had any balls to bounce in the first place.

The list of Managers recently binned is growing, with big clubs such as Palace, Chelsea and er.... Millwall giving their gaffers the heave-ho. STT predicts that the next big manager to get the chop will be everyone's pre-season favourite - the wholly inoffensive Chris Hutchings of Wigan semi-fame. He's a nice chap with a fair amount of experience, but they face a tough run of 6 games including trips to both North London teams, while they entertain Pompey and Chelsea at home. He also inspires very little confidence in front of the cameras or on the sideline and may have lost control of his players, as they went mental over Kevin Kilbane's second yellow at Newcastle last month. The upshot of this was a £20,000 fine. Ouchies.

Norwich do QPR a Favour

As a reward for all our recent hard work, we at STT headquarters decided to treat ourselves to a little field trip last night to Loftus Road and were present for a defining moment in history. For the first time since about what, 1976, Queens Park Rangers actually won a game! The scenes of jubilation were incredible around the ground, and the dejection of the faces of the traveling Norwich support was palpable. Rangers remain rooted to the bottom of the Championship, but after Martin Rowlands slotted away a rather generous looking penalty, the Hoops are finally off and running this season. However, this match was hardly an advertisement for the Real League, with both sides genuinely looking like they had never actually played the game before.

While QPR are bottom, Norwich are the ones to be worried, languishing in 22^nd and without a league goal in six full games. They made a decidedly terrible team look good, losing every 50/50 ball and not hitting the target once in 90 minutes. There was no pressure on the ball at any point in the game, and if you give any professional footballer that much time and space, they don’t exactly have to be Kaka to create something over the course of a whole match. It comes to something when, at 38 years old and playing out of position at centre back, Dion Dublin was by far their best defender and also their most threatening attacking option.

The deciding penalty came after the home side had enjoyed an extended stay in the Norwich half, with tricky winger Rowan Vine toppled in the box with around 20 minutes left to play. From then on it could have been a rout, with Norwich keeper David Marshall keeping his side from full embarrassment with several superb saves as the clock ominously ticked down for the traveling Canaries and boss Peter Grant. The final whistle was met with a torrent of boos, coarse insults and ‘Grant Out!’ chants, while QPR celebrated their historic win.

The genuine highlight of the night was some Norwich fan being sick down the back of the terrace onto the STT editorial staff. Vomit is almost always funny when it's not happening to you, but when you are threatened with the prospect of being covered with sweetcorn and carrots from on high, you are unamused. One victim recived a gobbet of stomach acid to the face and the other was hit on his on his suit jacket. Which he wore to work today.

Gameweek 9 – ‘Egg Chasing’

Happy Tuesday everyone, and while unsurprisingly rugby has been the talk of the town this weekend, we also saw a full Premier League program including some superbly tight matches throughout the country. Arsenal continued their record-breaking string of consecutive victories, despite a battling visit from Roy Keane’s Sunderland, while Chelsea scored their first league goal for over seven hours. Spurs and Liverpool competed in the game of the weekend, with Spanish wonderkid Fernando Torres saving his mangers’ blushes with a last minute header to equalise for the scousers. Performance of the weekend though has to go to Manchester United, for a near-perfect second half display which might well be the kick-start to the season they’ve been looking for. They netted four times, but more importantly are finally starting to create more and more chances, with Tevez, Rooney, Ronaldo and Anderson all very impressive.

Premier League Team of the Week (based on OPTA stats, Fantasypremierleague.com ratings and my own expert eye):

Keeper – David James (yet another clean sheet for the resurgent “Calamity”)

Defence – Herman Hreidarsson (continues to improve in a generally rock solid defence, plus bagged his second goal in two games), Christopher Samba (big performance from a big chap), Juliano Belletti (normally gets the least plaudits in the Chelsea backline, but comfortable in defence and a constant danger going forward)

Midfield – Christiano Ronaldo (another two goals for the Portuguese pin-up pansy), Ashley Young (great continuation of form from the young English winger), David Bentley (all play as good as ever, topped off by a great turn for his goal), Elano (breathtaking 0nce again)

Up Top – Carlos Tevez (never stopped running and poached the vital opening goal), Robbie Keane (two route one finishes, but sharp throughout), Robin van Persie (superlative all round performance including two excellent goals)

Weekly Awards:

Nutmeg of the Week – Ronaldo manages to do so many stepovers he actually tricks himself and falls over, but was somehow able to recover to play a backheel off the ground which megged Emerson Boyce.

Goal of the Week – Although Elano’s brace were both sweet, it has to go to van Persie for the sheer ferocity of his free kick to open the scoring at the Emarites.

Save of the Week – Chris Kirkland for clawing away an early Salomon Olembe header that seemed destined for OG territory.

Skill of the Week – Benni McCarthy dances through the Birmingham, busting out a classic Maradona spin in the process.

Miss of the Week – After Hleb had beaten the entire Sundelrand defence and squared it on the six yard line, it was actually harder for Theo Woolcott to miss than score, but somehow the youngster managed it.

Effort of the Week – A standard piece of marauding in the midfield from Kolo Toure led to him unleashing an absolute screamer that left Gordon’s right hand post rattling for about the next five minutes.

Gaffe of the Week – Shay Given expertly palms Arteta’s deflected cross the wrong side of the bar to give Everton a last minute second.

Nearest Lampard came to Contributing…er, of the Week – Great to have Frank back this week as he ran the game for Chelsea as ever. I saw him play a great one-two off Guthrie but unfortunately forgot to collect the return. Also dropped this gem in interview: “My one main fear was the injury, and also my fitness.”

Are-you-looking-at-my-bird???!!! Moment of the Week – Again the victim was Alexander Hleb but this week’s deliverer of the pain was fiery ginger Paul McShane, who steamed in late and stamped on the Belarussian’s happy sacks.

Special-Titus-Bramble-Moment of the Week – Confusion is the name of the game at Wigan these days and Titus just confounds this by clattering into Fitz Hall, presumably thinking he was the ball. Or a Subway sandwich.

Superman of the Week – Henri Camara goes full length to brilliantly punch a cross into Scott Carson’s net. Sorry Henri, wrong sport mate.

Wrestling Move of the Week – Didi Hamann goes old school on Chris Riggott, locking the Boro defender into a textbook Cobra Clutch. The ref, however, saw nothing wrong.

Joke of the Week – Aston Villa fans singing “Happy Birthday to Spurs” while 4-1 up at White Hart Lane, as Totthenham celebrated their 125 years anniversary.

Quote of the Week – Steve Wilson talking about Avram Grant: “Doesn’t look like he has a face that smiles that often.”

Hero of the Week – Sven Goran Eriksson for continuing to defy critics by playing superb attacking football as his Man City side just keep on rolling.

Zero of the Week – The FA for scheduling just one match at the traditional time of Saturday 3 p.m.

Personal Highlight of the Week – Reading’s mascot, Kingsley the Lion, getting heavily involved in the celebrations for Kevin Doyle’s winner.

Champions League – Group Stage 2

Tuesday’s action saw success for all three British teams involved, with Manchester United and Arsenal both grinding out 1-0 victories in highly competitive matches, while Rangers produced the second biggest upset of the tournament so far, destroying a hapless Lyon 3-0 in France to put themselves in a decent position in what is certainly this year’s “group of death.”

After last season’s 7-1 humiliation at Old Trafford, Roma were always going to be fired up for this year’s return fixture, and came out of the blocks fast, dominating early possession and creating several decent chances. United were resolute however, and young Nani impressed throughout, with the kind of exciting wing play we are used to seeing from his countryman on the opposing wing, Ronaldo. Finally, with a little over twenty minutes to go, one of Nani’s delightful throughballs found Wayne Rooney, and the finish was never in doubt. In the group’s other game, Sporting Lisbon secured a valuable victory away from home over Dynamo Kiev, with Kiev keeper Alexander Shovkovsky gifting the Portuguese side both goals in a night he will soon want to forget.

Arsenal too faced strong opposition, as they traveled to Romania to face national champions Steaua Bucharest in a tight game which either side could’ve won. In the end it came down to the quality of finishing, something which on the night Steaua lacked, and which Robin van Persie has in abundance. With 15 minutes to go, and a goalless thriller on the cards, the Dutch hitman latched onto a cross from Emmanuel Adebayor to rocket the ball into the roof of the net and take the points for Arsenal. Elsewhere in the group, Seville recovered after their opening game drumming at Arsenal to romp away 4-2 winners in an exciting open game against Slavia Prague, where ex-Spurs man Fredi Kanoute was the star.

The performance of the night however undoubtedly belonged to the Scotsmen, as Rangers secured their first away win in the Champions League since 2000 against the stumbling French champions. Brazilian wizard Juninho rattled the woodwork twice, but otherwise there was nothing positive to take out of the game as Lyon now sit bottom of the group on 0 points, having conceded six unanswered goals in two games. Meanwhile, group heavyweights Barcelona faced a potentially difficult trip to Stuttgart, unbeaten at home in over 20 matches, but the Spanish giants battled their way to victory with Puyol inspirational coming off the bench. Once again, Lionel Messi was sublime, bagging the team’s second goal after some beautiful interplay with a now in form Theirry Henry, fresh from a weekend hat-trick in La Liga. Next up for Barce, back to back games with joint group-leaders Rangers.

Finally, the night’s other matches took place in Group G, with Inter Milan cruising to a 2-0 victory at home to PSV, despite having goalscorer Chivu sent off with half an hour still to play. The group’s other game saw some of STT’s Obscure South American stars hit form as CSKA (Sneeze) Moscow faced off against Fenerbahce in icy Russia. Alex put the Turkish side ahead early on, following a defensive blunder, before two early second half goals from CSKA (including a Vagner Love penalty) looked to have put the tie beyond them. However, with just five minutes left on the clock, Brazilian striker Deivid picked the ball up 40 yards out, and with the Russian defence dropping off, was allowed to carry it to within shooting range where he unleashed a powerful, swerving strike that rocketed under CSKA keeper Veniamin Mandrykin to ensure that points were shared.

Moving onto Wednesday then, and the biggest upset in the tournament. In truly horrendous weather conditions, Celtic played current holders AC Milan off the park and were victorious 2-1 in a dramatic conclusion that saw Brazilian keeper Dida fully embaress himself for several reasons. After parrying a shot straight to feet of McDonald for Celtic’s last minute winner, Dida was allegedly assaulted by a celebrating jubilant Scotsman. You can see the video for yourself below on STT, but suffice to say, this is up there with Rivaldo’s disgraceful theatrics at the 1998 World Cup. The group’s other tie saw Benfica upset 1-0 at home by Ukranian side Shaktar Donetsk, securing their first ever away win in the Champions League.

Many saw Chelsea’s visit to Valencia as a real make or break game for the London club’s season, even this early on, and when the immense David Villa slotted the Spanish side ahead within 10 minutes, there was danger of the floodgates opening. However, as a sign of their championship-winning pedigree, Chelsea stepped up to the challenge, spurred on by masked captain John Terry giving one of his greatest displays. A relatively scrappy equalizer from Joe Cole against the run of play gave them hope, as Valencia wasted chance after chance to put the game beyond Chelsea. However, with twenty minutes to go, Cole unleashed one of the passes of the season with the outside of his right foot from inside the Chelsea half, putting Drogba through with a defender and goalkeeper to beat. His finish was worthy of the pass, expertly beating Timo Hildebrand to give the former English champions their first European win this season. Elsewhere in this group, Schalke got their first points on the board against Rosenborg, winning 2-0 in a somewhat frantic match in Norway.

Liverpool meanwhile continued their frustrating season, flopping miserably 1-0 to Marseille at home. In midfield, Liverpool were out-battled and out-passed, never really having the extended periods of possession required to pressure the opposition, and when Sissoko gave the ball away cheaply to Valbuena with 13 minutes to go, the excellent Frenchman found the top corner with a beautiful strike that even I would’ve been happy with.

Group A’s other match saw Porto travel to Besiktas, keen to capitalize on their first round point. In another tight match, Porto wasted several decent openings before the ever-present Ricardo Quaresma popped up in the 90^th minute to give the Portuguese side the victory.

This round’s Group C games saw the two heavy-hitters of Lazio and Real Madrid face off in Italy, with 2-2 a fair result in the end, as both sides played decent attacking football. Goran Pandev netted twice for Lazio as they looked to have the sealed the win, before Ruud van Nistelrooy (who else) equalized late on for the Spaniards with a deft finish, lifting the ball over Lazio keeper Ballotta. In the group’s other game, Werder Bremen hosted Olympiakos, who were without an away win in the competition from 32 attempts, and when the German side took an early lead, it looked to be 33 failed attempts for the Greek side. However, in an incredible second half display, Olympiakos netted three times in the closing 20 minutes to break their long-running jinx and cue all night parties throughout Athens.

Goal of the Round – Valbuena’s wonderstrike for Marseilles to sink a despondant and flat Liverpool side at Anfield.

Player of the Round – John Terry. Despite looking like an extra from a low-budget horror movie, JT was absolutely world class alongside the recalled Mourinho-alumni Ricardo Carvalho. His passion and intensity was unparalleled, despite having his fractured face repaired just 4 days ago, and this spirit inspired the whole Chelsea performance.

Surpirse Package of the Round – Scotland, generally. Who would have thought that Rangers could destroy reigning French champions Lyon 3-0, or that Celtic could topple current European Champions AC Milan??!! This is why we love the game so much.

Cradle of Mutha-F**kin’ Civilisation

African football is still in a severe state of shock a week after the worst match-fixing attempt ever has been exposed, earning Cameroonian side Bamboutos F.C. a double relegation. Authorities were tipped off to this audacious attempt to circumvent the sanctity of Cameroon Football Federation (a.k.a. ‘Fecafoot’) laws after their captain Koss Roger actually handed an envelope containing money to opposition Federal F.C.’s skipper Nkouma Rim on the pitch. Conspicuously, just minutes later Rim let Roger breeze past him to score in his side's eventual 3-2 win. Bruce Grobbelaar would be proud.

Despite having over 1000 witnesses, Roger’s plan was still expected to work apparently, as early in the first half he faked injury and was given a cash-stuffed envelope by his team's medic to pass onto a relevant opposition player. One fan could not believe his eyes: “He literally just passed Kim the money on the field. Kim even opened the money to count it, handing Roger back a twenty for his troubles!”

Both Roger and Kim have been banned for two years, while Bamboutos’ physio and medical advisor each received three year bans for their actions. Presumably they were the brains behind this ingenuity.

Unfortunately such instances are not a new thing to football in Cameroon. Just last year, leading referee Divine Evehe made an explicit appeal to all club managers: “Please stop calling us on the eve of your games…If you stop making proposals and attempts to corrupt referees, we shall be impartial. Leave us alone!"

This was after another slightly suspicious instance in 2005 where, on the final day of the season, Federal themselves needed to win by 7 clear goals to claim the title as they were tied with several other sides on points. After reportedly bribing the entire other team, they ended up winning 14-1. Presumably the 1 was so the authorities didn't catch on.

With this all in mind, don’t Chelsea’s two recent Premier League titles look all the more suspicious????

Enjoy the cradle of muthaf**ckin civilisation around half way through.

Dida Has a Very Poor Grip on Reality

During Celtic's win over Milan last night, some people may have noticed a fan run on the pitch to celebrate the winning goal and give Dida a little tap about the chops. Here it is:

Although Charlie Nicolas is all dour doom and gloom, UEFA seriously need to chillax about this. He's just a wee jakey having a laugh and he didn't intend to hurt the big Brazilian. If he did, he would have sliced his throat with a big knife in true Weegie fashion. Dida's initial reaction is all rrrrrevenge!!!!, but he soon realises that it's best to play the wimp. I wonder what he'd do if you trod on his toe in the pub? Go down holding his face, I suppose.

Besides, it could be much worse. He could have pierced his foot on a spike. Or he could have been hit by a red hot flare!

The omens are not good for Celtic, however. When the above happened at a Champion's League edition of the Milan derby, Inter were fined a fat wad of cash and banned forced to play their next 4 European games behind closed doors. Something tells me they'll need to do more than that to keep Bhoys fans out ...........

Mascot of the Week 7

Names – Bubbles and Herbie

Affiliation – West Ham United F.C.

Animal – Bubbles is apparently a bear (although looks more like a Japanese Manga-style cat) and Herbie is not actually an animal but rather a Hammer

Colour – Brown and Gun-Metal Grey respectively

Combined Level of Ridiculousness – 9 (they hug each other a lot…kind of a mixed message to kids)

Most common missile pelted with – Sharpened Danny Dyer DVDs

Distraction(from the hot Hammerettes dancing-girls at half time) Rating –10

For this week’s fantabulous Mascot feature, we have decided to focus on an interesting double act currently running riot in East London. Herbie the Hammer was introduced way back towards the club’s inception, presumably as a homage to West Ham’s history of originally being the Thames Ironworks company football team. Around the turn of the recent millenium, he was then joined by child-friendly ‘cuddle-monster’ Bubbles the Bear to form an unlikely duo, but one which has proved to be mildly popular with the home support.

Seen by some as a thinly-veiled reference to the I.C.F. hooligans’ weapon of choice, Herbie the Hammer has recently been at the centre of great controversy himself, culminating a vicious war of words with underwhelming ex-kids TV show wierdo Timmy Mallet. Herbie struck intellectual gold when he came up with the idea of seeing small foam versions of himself in the club shop, as something provocative for supporters to wave at the opposition, but the struggling Mallet prevented the club from following through after he claimed the toys bore too much of a resemblance to his own copyrighted ‘Pinky Punky’ toy. While preparing for yet another depressing Christmas spent doing cheap pantomime in Woking, Mallet offered the following comments: "Pinky Punky is a groovy hammer and that is part of my name. He is my trademark and he is what I do. It is important when you have something that is part of your life and livelihood, that you look after it." I couldn’t agree more Timmy, especially when you appear to be actually dating that special “part of your life.” It is on his left hand after all…

Bubbles was introduced as an antidote to the spiky Herbie, bizarrely drawing more interest from the club’s young fanbase than an oversized DIY tool. However, Bubbles too is plagued by his own inner demons. Kidnapped from the wild simply to fit in with the home support’s “I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles” anthem, Bubbles had always dreamed of becoming dramatic actor, even getting a final audition for a part in Pixar’s 1999 movie ‘Toy Story 2.’ The dream was cut short by vicious poachers in Wisconsin however, and now Bubbles is forced to live in a basement at Upton Park, fed only caterpillars, and released into daylight only every other weekend on match day. It truly is a modern tragedy; word on the street was that he was going to be the next Hamm the Piggy Bank.

Football Stadium Food

In a recently published survey which collected together data from traveling away team supporters throughout Europe, many sweeping generalizations were made about the quality of club’s grounds and their home supporters. For example, Liverpool fans were voted as the most passionate, while Old Trafford was voted officially the best stadium in Europe. Now I don’t claim to be any kind of expert but how anything other than Munich’s incredible Allianz Arena can take that crown is beyond me…the exterior changes colour for God’s sake! Anyhow, the point is that many of the ‘conclusions’ drawn from this survey are completely worthless, except for one: the crucial matter of which ground in Europe serves the best food.
Obviously no-one expects to be able to buy a steaming hot plate of duck a l’orange with dauphinoise potatoes at half time, but so often the choice is limited to just lukewarm burgers, frankfurters that are still frozen in the middle, indiscriminate ‘meat’ pies who’s fillings often look like they came out of a hospital bin, or if you want to play it safe, single slices of plastic cheese. However, away supporters have now spoken with their digestive tracts to say that officially the best three food services in Europe are, in reverse order…drum roll please…Norwich, Barcelona and Arsenal!

Kudos then to Norwich City, who would be once again enjoying a European tour of destruction, if only UEFA just dropped about their ridiculous obsession with footballing ability and instead started to rank clubs based solely on the quality of their food. However, given Delia Smith’s involvement in the club, and more specifically, involvement in the pie recipes, this is hardly surprising. Apparently the new Rabbit Ravioli-Ragout of Wild Mushrooms-Chicken Consomme-Tarragon Foam Pie, and Tuna Carpaccio-Marscopone Cream-Antichoke Hearts-Ocra-in-a-Cup, took some time to get used to though.

Barcelona keep it simple with simply enormous hot dogs, served up cheap and hot (like their women), while poll-winning Arsenal really do pull out all the stops when it comes to half-time refreshment. Very much from the American school of thought, the Emarites Stadium offers everything from nacho platters to chilli dogs, all served drowning in a variety of flavourless coloured sauces. That’s the way, at S-T-T, we like it, uh huh, uh huh.

WAGs are fun part 2

More delving on STT's part into the world of footballer's Wives And Girlfriends has brought you the second edition of WAGS are fun! You lucky, lucky people.

Tomas's ladyfriend Jana Kocurova (what the execs of BMW said to rover, I believe) is nearly as jealous of her chap's pimp cup as Mrs. Santa Cruz.

Owen Hargreaves's girlfriend Janelle Khouri has received accolades from across the globe for being the least misbehaved WAG during England's 2006 World Cup campaign. That sort of backhanded compliment is a bit like saying Hargreaves was England's least shit player during the competition.

American model Kristen Pazik has been married to Shevchenko for 3 years and has heroically sprogged him a brace of sons, despite having a Body Mass Index of minus 5.

Some people say Raul has gone off the boil recently. What they fail to realise is that Mamen 'Mama' Sanz has a rare condition where she has a heart attack if she sees her husband score a goal. It's called Raulusedtobegreatbutisnowcontenttorunaboutbehindthefronttwoemia.

Thierry Henry has just been taken to the cleaners by savvy Nicole Merry, as she got a large wedge of his fortune in the recent divorce. The timing of his move to Barcelona coincided with the split, so she can probably take the credit for driving him out of the country. You go girl!

Raice Olivera is one of the many ex-squeezes of toothy lothario Ronaldo (the big strong one, not the gimpy tricky one). She lasted less than a year before Ronnie got bored or simply forgot about her, like he sometimes forgets how to play football.


Simone Lambe appears to be the most mature WAG here. I can't think of anything nice to say about her, or her boyfriend Michael Ballack, so I'll say nothing at all.


Italian WAGs always seem to be more in-your-face than their European or Brazilian counterparts. But prolific Juve captain Del Piero deserves her. She's not keen on his mate Noel, though.


Here's the money. Sylvie Van Der Vaart, wife of Dutch striker Rafael has it all going on. 'Miss Bundesliga' is so amazing, she could probably end poverty and find a cure for cancer if she wanted to. Wowza.