Party Like It’s 1973

Here at STT we often get painted with the same brush as Nuts and Zoo just because of the occasional display of pleasingly-shaped lady-lumps. So this week we’re attempting to buck this supposedly sexist trend by throwing the ladies (and of course the gays) a metaphorical bone. So yesterday we showed you some confusing snaps of David Beckham wearing some weird old clothes in a boxing ring, but today we have the real treat for you lucky people: three Argentinian guys with long hair that definitely wouldn’t make convincing rapists.

Kickette were the eagle-eyed photographers in this case, snapping Lionel Messi, Fernando Gago and Ever Banega as they prepare for the forth-coming Olympic football championships. Half of me thinks they look cool, and kind of remind of a Pink Floyd tribute band, but the other half can’t shake the realisation that they could just be those weird people who live in the tents opposite Parliament screaming about imperial oppression. GET A JOB.

We Don’t Exactly Like You Either Mate

Thanks to The Spoiler for alerting us to this quite unbelievable piece of idiocy from mega-flop Liverpool striker Andriy Voronin. Speaking to a Russian newspaper this week, he aimed his vitriolic sights at pretty much every aspect of British culture, moaning about how shit his life currently is compared to his glory days last year in Germany with Bayern Leverkeusen. When you start with this opening gambit, you can expect the odd bit of backchat from basically everyone in this country:

“Compared with Germany, England is far behind in terms of comfort and culture”

It gets worse though as the Ukranian then described our fair country as being like a lawless open prison compared to the idyllic serenity that is Germany, where everyone leaves their doors open at night, and children visiting old men to play leapfrog isn’t nearly as sinister as it sounds. Whistfully recalling his potentially drug-induced time in Leverkeusen, Voronin basically misses being the Magical Man from Happy-Land, enjoying his gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane:

“Five out of the seven houses near us are occupied by footballers. Steve Gerrard was burgled recently so a police patrol car comes into our compound fairly often. We hear police sirens all the time. Leverkusen, by contrast, was so much quieter.”

Ok, so rating Germany above England in terms of culture? Check. Describing this country as a crime-filled cesspit where he’s afraid to go outside without police protection? Check. What’s next then…ah yes, the horrible Scouse accent, that definitely won’t ruffle any feathers in your supporter base:

“[Learning] English isn’t the main problem. The main thing is to learn to understand the local players like Gerrard and Carragher. They speak with some peculiar local accent and sometimes I have absolutely no clue what the guys are saying. Many foreign players have the same problem.”

Oh also finally, we’re apparently yet to discover the practice of medicine, and he hates that we don’t make him pay for it:

“The medical services here are poor. When I was in Germany, there were lots of good clinics and doctors. It is nothing like that here - when our child had a skin allergy we waited hours for the doctor to see him. When we finally got to see a doctor, he said he didn’t know how to treat children and to try rubbing in this ointment. That was it. I was stunned. As a result my wife had to go back to Odessa with him and took a full set of tests there.”

Ok so the NHS ain’t all that, fair cop, but you know Andriy with all that lovely money you get given for running about for an hour 5 times a week you could probably afford private healthcare? Kudos for having faith in our ‘system,’ but pretty naïve.

So how do at STT feel about Mr Voronin’s somewhat inflammatory comments? Well there’s a very simple way to sidestep all of the aforementioned complaints Andriy: if you love Germany so much, why don’t you fuck off back over there then? I guarantee no-one will miss you, your shit hair-cut or your post-op tranny of a wife.