Never Mind the Ballacks (sigh)

The Sun were really on form today so I decided to give them and their team of copywriting monkeys the kudos they deserve and keep that terrific headline. Anyway, exciting news from the world of music as two former members of the Sex Pistols threatened to write a “new anthem” for their beloved Chelsea FC. Now call me cynical, but an ‘anthem’ is not really something you can just set out to create, let alone randomly claim about one of your own songs. Undeterred, Steve Jones and Paul Cook, aka the ones that weren’t Johnny Rotten or Sid Vicious and you never heard of because they didn’t really do much, are attempting to distill their vast musical ability and years of Stamford Bridge knowledge into one magical 3 minute pop song as we speak. While rumours that it will be a slice of jazz fusion, with only spoken word poetry for vocals, have yet to be confirmed, I for one will be right here on the edge of my seat waiting.

Jones scoffed: “We want to do something that’s not corny like all the other football songs. Music and football tend to produce appalling results when put together, that’s what we want to avoid.” Come on Steve, did you not hear World in Motion or the Anfield Rap?

The Incredible Balk

Thanks as ever to our toned-yet-heterosexual locker-room buddies The Spoiler for the tip-off on this one, as it really is too good to miss. While we were suffering through the sporting hysterectomy this week that was England playing the United States of Freedom at ‘soccer,’ there was a far more insulting act taking place elsewhere in Europe. Yes, while we were apparently turning new Wembley into a “fortress” by playing a rubbish team that didn’t want to be there, the Czech Republic were preparing for some shit international tournament in a fortnight’s time by playing the mighty Latvia.

The visitors were spoiled rotten, with Latvian flags displayed all round the Stadion Eden, and the program even featuring photos and information about the team. If that wasn’t enough, a hearty version of their national anthem ‘Dievs, svētī Latviju!’ (‘God bless Latvia!’) greeted the players as they stepped out onto the Czech pitch. It was a truly beautiful moment, however one that I fear might be over-looked in retrospect. You see, the Czech Republic weren’t actually playing Latvia, but their Balkan neighbours Lithuania. I’m sure the Latvians were very touched at the tribute while they were sitting in their bars talking about how ace it is not being the USSR’s bitch, or whatever Latvians talk about, but for the poor Lithuanians it must’ve been a touch disheartening to say the least.

The Czech Republic's soccer federation have since apologized profusely to its Lithuanian counterpart, and to the Lithuanian embassy in Prague. The federation said in a statement today that the mistakes were inexcusable and measures will be taken not to repeat them in the future. Spokesman Vaclav Tichy took responsibility and duly fell on his sword. His deputy was also fired for sniggering, while another federation official has reportedly been fined for re-labeling the countries humourously on the office map.

Latvia is famous for big-pimping metal-faced comic book villain Dr Doom, last seen firing lightning at Jessica Alba in the hope her clothes might fall off, and under-age prostitutes. Lithuania is famous for having a fast-growing economy, and also under-age prostitutes.

The New Wembley Chronicles

It’s not often that I agree with anything Gary Lineker says, but two days ago in The Sun something he had written actually made me chin-stroke and nod along sagely in agreement, drawing some pretty strange looks from people around me on the tube.

He said we need to turn this New Wembley into a fortress, and make visiting teams fear comingover here to play us again: “We rarely lost there in my time — and this new stadium does have to start feeling like home for England, otherwise we won’t qualify for the European Championships.” And he’s dead right. We may need to win all of our remaining games to dig ourselves out of a hole to actually qualify, and this will only happen if home games are as close to guaranteed victories as possible.

I couldn’t really care less about international friendlies, so only saw a few of the highlights two nights ago, but the general consensus from guys that went to the game I spoke to was, “same old England.” A lot of promise but no final product. 90,000 fans under-whelmed by the team yet again and even out-sung by the pockets of traveling German supporters.

Yes, it was a friendly and no, we didn’t have our full strength team and we were unlucky and blah blah blah. Irregardless of the final score, Lineker’s point still holds. Any opposing team that steps out into our national stadium should be greeted by a huge wall of noise, towering above them in the incredible surroundings. Not only that, but if anything is going to inspire our team to actually perform anywhere near as well as we’re constantly told they can, then surely it’s that kind of epic crowd noise and support. Remind them they’re playing for their country and what it means to everyone else in that stadium. And no, that doesn’t mean whistling and booing during the German national anthem for fuck’s sake.