Busy Hands on Tour

I don’t know how he’s done it but former Spurs hero Gary Lineker has landed himself basically the best life ever. On top of holding the honour of the joint-leading England goal-scorer of all-time, Lineker has managed to land himself not only a hot chick half his age, but also a working existence based purely on watching football and golf. As such, Lineker is currently sunning himself alongside La Senza lingerie model Danielle Bux over in Barbados, on the couple’s sixth holiday in the last ten months. It just isn’t fair.

The workshy couple are enjoying their third trip to Barbados this year, while they’ve also recently spent time away in Miami, Vienna and Rome. Even by yourself those six breaks would be alright, but the fact that he’s spending his time with such a fox only raises the man’s bastard rating. Controversially choosing a simple but classic swimsuit, Bux sidestepped the usual look-at-my-cans approach to beachwear currently favoured by celebrities around the world. Perhaps Nereida Gallardo should take a leaf out of her book, as the allergy to bikini material demonstrated by Cristiano Ronaldo’s ex over the last few weeks appears to be getting progressively worse; the Spanish scrumpet has descended from a preference for the tiny bikini to now no bikini at all …

Mr Nice Guy?

He’s the face of middle class football, the BBC and also Walkers Crisps, so beneath that competently ironed shirt and silver fox hairstreaks Gary Lineker must be perfect, right? On the pitch, his behaviour was always exemplary; never received a booking, never mouthed off at an official and never even casually mooned the opposition fans. Off the pitch however, his busy hands are as legendary as his England goal-scoring record, although it’s hard to find much solid fact to back up the numerous stories of what he got up to in sextra time, as he reportedly used to call it.

His 20 year marriage dissolved a couple of years ago now, amid constant hearsay in the press that he was seeing a string of women behind his wife’s back, but there was strangely no suggestion in the actual courtroom that this was the motivating factor of the split. Various names have been mentioned time and time again in the press, but like any good cad, Lineker is always quick to point out their long friendship, or the woman’s husband, or that really he prefers gingers. Barbados neighbour Denise Moore, part-time punching bag Ulrika Jonsson, professional exhibitionist Tara Stout and Eimear Montgomerie, ex-wife of golfer Colin, are just four names from the spotlight that Lineker has been seen with, but to be honest, there seems to be little more to go on than conjecture and the odd handjob.

With an estimated fortune of over £30million though, and a smile that says “don’t worry my bed has waterproof sheets,” it’s no wonder that Lineker hasn’t exactly hung around waiting to court his ex-wife all over again. No instead he has done the best thing a man can do; date a girl nearly half his age with huge cans. Danielle Bux is the lucky lady’s name, and the 28 year old air stewardess / model has already been treated to sexy parties in Miami, Rome, Vienna, Barbados and Leicester, although reports of them joining the mile-high club are yet to be confirmed or denied. With previous WAG experience attached to ex-Coventry centre-back Adam Willis, as well as Scottish egg-chaser Simon Danielli, she seems perfect to step into the breach, however the Daily Fascist thinks otherwise, actually having the audacity to call her a “poisoned chalice” earlier this year. So what else is there to say about her? Well not much…other than to wish her lots of luck taking her top off to kickstart that modelling career. Check the slightly too racy for work pics at the NOTW.

We leave you then with something quite bizarrely hot, as Ms Bux stars in a recent music video which rips off 80s teen ‘classic’ Weird Science. The good stuff begins about a minute and a half in, and as ever, enjoy with the sound off…

Great Commentators Slip-Ups

A metaphorical tip of the hat has to go to Private Eye here, as many of these have also appeared in their famous ‘Colemanballs’ section (and subsequent series of books) over the years. For those not down, David Coleman is an old sports commentator famed for his verbal faux-pas and the magazine started a 'Colemanballs' section years ago, which was then extended to cover all sports casters, as the yanks like to call them. Here then are the very best of the football related comments from years past:

"The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the entire pitch, even on a sunny day."
Chris Jones

"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
Ron Atkinson

"Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded a couple of goals."
Peter Withe

"Youu don't score 64 goals in 86 games at the highest level without being able to score goals."
Alan Green

"I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs..."
Andy Gray

"The lad got over-excited when he saw the whites of the goalpost's eyes."
Steve Coppell

"They (Rosenborg) have won 66 games, and they've scored in all of them."
Brian Moore

"If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen."
Terry Venables

"It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday."
Unknown commentator on Radio 5 Live

"...but Arsenal are quick to credit Bergkamp with laying on 75% of their nine goals."
Tony Gubba

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack -- will you stay in football?"
Stuart Hall

"Ardiles strokes the ball like it was part of his anatomy."
Jimmy Magee

"Mark Hughes at his very best: he loves to feel people right behind him..."
Kevin Keegan

"If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again."
Terry Venables

“Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice."
Kevin Keegan

"We threw our dice into the ring and turned up trumps."
Bruce Rioch

"I'm not a believer in luck..... but I do believe you need it."
Alan Ball

"The Uruguayans are losing no time in making a meal around the referee."
Mike Ingham

"I spent four indifferent years at Goodison Park, but they were great years."
Martin Hodge

"Souness gave Fleck a second chance and he grabbed it with both feet."
James Sanderson

"Tottenham are trying tonight to become the first London team to win this Cup. The last team to do so was the 1973 Spurs side."
Mike Ingham

"Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different."
Trevor Brooking

"A contract on a piece of paper, saying you want to leave, is like a piece of paper saying you want to leave."
John Hollins

"In terms of the Richter Scale this defeat was a force eight gale."
John Lyall

"...an excellent player, but he (Ian Wright) does have a black side."
Gary Lineker

"I'm going to make a prediction - it could go either way."

Ron Atkinson

"What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio"
Gerry Francis

"If we played like this every week, we wouldn't be so inconsistent"
Bryan Robson

"He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head"
Derek Johnstone

"They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Highway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different"
Kevin Keegan

"The only thing I have in common with George Best is that we come from the same place…play for the same club...and were discovered by the same man"
Norman Whiteside

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat"
Ron Atkinson

"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip"
John Motson

"I don't think there is anybody bigger or smaller than Maradona"
Kevin Keegan

Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through?"
Terry Venables: "I think it's fifty - fifty"

"And he's got the icepack on his groin there, so it’s possibly not the old shoulder injury"
Ray French

Christmas Bonus Quotes!!!

"Tell the Kraut to get his ass up front. We don't pay a million for a guy to hang around in defence."
NY Cosmos executive, on Franz Beckenbauer's positioning

"I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered"
George Best

"That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on."
John Lambie, Partick Thistle manager, when told a concussed striker did not know who he was

"We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought."
Bobby Robson after England nearly lost to Cameroon, WC 1990.

"We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival."
Niall O'Mahoney, Cork City manager before UEFA Cup game v Bayern Munich.

"It's hard to be passionate twice a week."
George Graham speaking about Arsenal's punishing schedule in 1991.

"I've told the players we need to win so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones"
Chris Turner, Peterborough manager

"Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot."
Ray Wilkins

"Football today, it's like a game of chess. It's all about money."
Newcastle United fan on Radio 5 Live

The New Wembley Chronicles Part 2

A little while ago, we ran a piece agreeing with some comments Gary Lineker made in reference to making this new Wembley an intimidating fortress. Now, as infrequently as I agree with Mr Lineker, he was spot-on, and now it seems that Ray Wilkins is getting in on the bandwagon, with comments like this in preparation for Wednesday’s make-or-break European Championship qualifier against group winners Croatia: “When Scotland and Italy walked out (on Saturday) you couldn't hear yourself think, but we don't have that at Wembley and we need to start producing that.”

Even on TV, the roar at Hampden Park was deafening and the passion immeasurable, both of the players and also of those fans drunk enough to have bagged tickets. “Lots of people keep questioning our young men about their passion and about their feeling for their country,” Wilkins said, “well, once an Englishman pulls on that England shirt, nobody has any more passion, I can assure you.” I’d question this comment somewhat, but that’s for another time.

What we are left with though is a chicken-and-egg situation, where the fans are apathetic and hyper-critical of the players because they are shit, whereas the players would complain that they’re shit only because there’s a real lack of crowd noise and support. Guys like Lampard and Bentley get booed when their names are called, but rather than right these perceived wrongs on the pitch by performing as well as we’re constantly told they can, they’d rather whinge about it to the media and get new haircuts.

What was most interesting about Wilkins’ statement though was this: “At the moment we haven't failed. If we go through on Wednesday (Steve McClaren) should keep the job and take us to Euro 2008.” Haven’t failed??!! Really Ray, exactly where have you been the last 18 months? We have capitulated and embarrassed ourselves time and time again in this qualifying stage of the competition, having to leave it to the very last minute, once again, to hopefully secure advancement into the finals. This was among the weakest groups around and yet we’ve consistently struggled, with last year’s back-to-back matches against Macedonia and Croatia literally among the worst 5 performances I have ever seen from anyone. Ever. And I’ve watched pre-pubescent girls with down syndrome play.

Rant over.

Anyway, so in conclusion, I heartily agree that we as England fans should be loud and passionate and get behind the team as much as humanly possible at this spectacular new stadium and elsewhere around the world…but only when things change and we actually put out a team worth supporting.

The New Wembley Chronicles

It’s not often that I agree with anything Gary Lineker says, but two days ago in The Sun something he had written actually made me chin-stroke and nod along sagely in agreement, drawing some pretty strange looks from people around me on the tube.

He said we need to turn this New Wembley into a fortress, and make visiting teams fear comingover here to play us again: “We rarely lost there in my time — and this new stadium does have to start feeling like home for England, otherwise we won’t qualify for the European Championships.” And he’s dead right. We may need to win all of our remaining games to dig ourselves out of a hole to actually qualify, and this will only happen if home games are as close to guaranteed victories as possible.

I couldn’t really care less about international friendlies, so only saw a few of the highlights two nights ago, but the general consensus from guys that went to the game I spoke to was, “same old England.” A lot of promise but no final product. 90,000 fans under-whelmed by the team yet again and even out-sung by the pockets of traveling German supporters.

Yes, it was a friendly and no, we didn’t have our full strength team and we were unlucky and blah blah blah. Irregardless of the final score, Lineker’s point still holds. Any opposing team that steps out into our national stadium should be greeted by a huge wall of noise, towering above them in the incredible surroundings. Not only that, but if anything is going to inspire our team to actually perform anywhere near as well as we’re constantly told they can, then surely it’s that kind of epic crowd noise and support. Remind them they’re playing for their country and what it means to everyone else in that stadium. And no, that doesn’t mean whistling and booing during the German national anthem for fuck’s sake.