Bad Twin

Travel back in time almost 16 years exactly and jump across the pond to Caeser’s Palace in Las Vegas and you will find yourself at Wrestlemania IX, one of the greatest events in the history of sports entertainment. Why is this relevant you might justifiably ask? Well it’s relevant folks because Sir Alex Ferguson thinks it’s relevant as he has clearly been watching the video over the last few days for ideas.

You see, in this historic wrestling extravaganza evil clown Doink was able to pull a fast one on oversized opponent Kona Krush by producing an identical twin from underneath the ring to knock seven bells out of Krush while he was incapacitated. Ferguson isn’t even oblique about his evil plans: “We have two great Brazilian defenders in Fabio and Rafael and it’s impossible to distinguish who is who. My dream would be to start one and replace him with the other without anyone noticing. They are extraordinary.”

Having already tried this scheme with the purchase of Nani, to swap Ronaldo on and off at will, Ferguson seems now to be confident that he has two players who are actually good so it’s full steam ahead. Of course by joking about this with the press he probably couldn’t get away with it in a proper game, but hell, it’d sure make a great pitch for a high concept sitcom.

Big Show Rio

With Floyd ‘Money’ Mayweather having successfully entered the WWF ring this past weekend and actually defeated Paul ‘The Big Show’ Wight, it seems that all kinds of contenders are now coming out of the woodwork. Advertised as “the world’s biggest athlete,” The Big Show stands at an impressive 7’1” tall and weighs a ridiculous 440 pounds, presumably of pure American junk-food…sorry, I mean muscle. He has won world titles in all the major wrestling federations using his signature Choke Slam move, and has famously feuded with such luminaries as The Rock, Big Boss Man and ‘The Game’ Triple H. As with many wrestlers these days, he has also found time to make waves in Hollywood, and his most famous role to date occurred in Arnie’s classic Jingle All the Way where he played a mysterious character known only as Huge Santa.

News broke in the press today though of Manchester United and England star Rio Ferdinand now fancying his chances of taking The Big Show down, buoyed on by the ease with which Mayweather (a man referred to as a “pussy” by people’s champion Rio) floored the giant. A long-time WWF fan, Rio continued to describe his desire to compete in the squared circle and has even come up with the two most important factors to joining the sport already; a name and some kick-ass entrance music. When his challenge is accepted by The Big Show, Rio will transform into his alter-ego, Mercurial (because he will, like, MERC U 4 REAL), and begin training during the England player’s lucky period of time off this summer. For something dramatic to accompany his walk to the ring, Rio got some help from his brother Anton, and the two of them have cooked up a double-time speed garage track that the pair claim is the fastest beat audible to the human ear. The track currently runs at a insanity-inspiring 390 bpm, but the Ferdinands claim there is still more space for the speed to be knocked up a couple more notches if necessary.

Critics say that Rio might not have what it takes to physically compete with a man who weighs more than the entire Man United front-six put together but as ever, Rio is fearless. When asked about his tactics, he claimed that he will simply target The Big Show’s “glass jaw,” as he calls it, and the victory will almost certainly be his. Failing that, he has a further couple of aces up his sleeve apparently, with training lined up in May and June at the martial arts school of None of that Jackie Chan Bullshit, based in Bethnal Green. Here he will learn the ancient art of ‘windmilling’ while also given a brief working overview of how to make a set of car keys, or handful of pound coins, count in a fight.

While not officially announced yet, you can look forward to this match-up taking place at the WWF’s second most-prestigious flagship event, SummerSlam. Rumours that Rio will quit football altogether to pursue a career in wrestling should he knock The Big Show out are yet to be confirmed, but reading between the lines, it’s definitely on the cards.

Young by Name but All Grown Up Downstairs

Another week and another Premier League star who wants to show a girl what he looks like naked and is then surprised when the press get hold of the snaps. This time it’s decent Aston Villa winger and England prospect Ashley Young, who put on a hot webcam show of himself stripping and then ‘meeting Lady Palm and her Five Lovely Daughters’ for beauty therapist Sarah Taylor, whom he had literally just met on the Webcamo dating site. This shocking story comes just weeks after struggling Portsmouth reject David Nugent texted photos of himself naked to a rather young lady he’d met out and about in the south coast slum paradise.

So picture the scene: you’re relaxing in a hotel room away from home just a few hours before making your England debut in a crucial qualifier against Russia. You’re nervous, looking for some stress relief, so what do you do? It’s too cold outside to go find a prozzie, and let’s face it, straight-on-straight male action is totally like 2006 man, so you fire up the old internet and search for spank bank material.

Minutes after finding Ms Taylor, he was “bombarding” her with seedy text messages, describing all sorts of niche sexual fantasies that STT has only ever heard of in court cases. Grabbing his enormous tool, described by the Bristol-born 21 year old beautician as looking like “a baby’s arm holding an apple,” Young then announced “I'd love to lick your nipples, making them nice and hard.” He then took it one step further, ignoring all website protocols: “I wanna have my cock between your tits and you sucking the top of my dick.” Who says romance is dead?

Pretty Sarah exclusively told us exclusively that she was somewhat put out: “I’d gone on for some flirty chat but what I got was a randy sex addict!” At first he seemed nice and friendly apparently, but it wasn’t long before he started to push forward and parade himself online. “I couldn’t believe someone was being so forward,” she cooed, “he’s got an impressive package but I was amazed he could just show it off like that.”

STT sympathises with young Young, and encourages him in the future to always wear a mask when treating his body like an amusement park online. Chicks love masks, especially Mexican amateur wrestling masks.