Gameweek 38 – ‘Revelation’

Happy Wedenesday loyal readers and thanks for sticking with us all the way to the end of our first full season; it’s been hard work at times but we’ve got there. Anyway enough back-slapping, on with the vitals.

Manchester United were rightly crowned champions after beating Wigan, while Chelsea were held at home by Bolton. Over the season there can be no doubt that United have gone about things the right way, played the best football, and in Ronaldo, Rooney and Tevez they have perhaps the most deadly forward three in recent memory. At the back too they have been sublime, with Vidic and Evra particularly worthy of plaudits, but everyone has played their part in reality, from the frustrating Nani to the experienced professionalism of Ryan Giggs.

Arsenal and Liverpool take their standard Champions League qualification spots then, while Everton got the win they needed to secure UEFA Cup football yet again next season. Villa, Blackburn, Portsmouth and Man City can feel happy with themselves over the course of the season too, challenging at times for that fifth spot but never quite maintaining the form in long enough spells to really pressure Everton. Middle of the road outfits such as Spurs, West Ham, Newcastle and Middlesbrough have been uneven to say the least and have surely infuriated fans with sublime play one week, only to not turn up at all the following week.

Down at the bottom then and Fulham were rewarded for excellent recent form over the last ten games of the season. Reading and Birmingham were cruelly relegated despite scoring four each on the last day against teams with nothing to play for. Wigan, Bolton and Sunderland have played their part in reality throughout the year too, but will certainly be looking for more consistency next year to avoid another relegation scrap post-Christmas. Until August…

	P	W	D	L	F	A	GD	Pts
C	1	Manchester United	38	27	6	5	80	22	+58	87
	2	Chelsea	38	25	10	3	65	26	+39	85
	3	Arsenal	38	24	11	3	74	31	+43	83
	4	Liverpool	38	21	13	4	67	28	+39	76
	5	Everton	38	19	8	11	55	33	+22	65
	6	Aston Villa	38	16	12	10	71	51	+20	60
	7	Blackburn Rovers	38	15	13	10	50	48	+2	58
	8	Portsmouth	38	16	9	13	48	40	+8	57
	9	Manchester City	38	15	10	13	45	53	-8	55
	10	West Ham United	38	13	10	15	42	50	-8	49
	11	Tottenham Hotspur	38	11	13	14	66	61	+5	46
	12	Newcastle United	38	11	10	17	45	65	-20	43
	13	Middlesbrough	38	10	12	16	43	53	-10	42
	14	Wigan Athletic	38	10	10	18	34	51	-17	40
	15	Sunderland	38	11	6	21	36	59	-23	39
	16	Bolton Wanderers	38	9	10	19	36	54	-18	37
	17	Fulham	38	8	12	18	38	60	-22	36
R	18	Reading	38	10	6	22	41	66	-25	36
R	19	Birmingham City	38	8	11	19	46	62	-16	35
R	20	Derby County	38	1	8	29	20	89	-69	11

Premier League Team of the Week (based on OPTA stats, Fantasypremierleague.com ratings and my own expert eye):

Keeper – Casey Keller (unbeaten)

Defence – Wes Brown (solid), Joleon Lescott (quality), Gael Clichy (expansive), David Murphy (class)

Midfield – Stuart Downing (brace), Manuel Fernandes (tricky), Nobby Solano (cultured)

Up Top – Alfonso Alves (triple), Fernando Torres (swift), Leroy Lita (sharp)

Weekly Awards:

Goal of the Week – This goes to Fabio Rochembach for his absolute pearler of a free-kick, hit with Ronaldo-esque swerve. See it and the rest of Boro’s rout here, and watch out for other contenders for this prize from Stuart Downing and City’s Elano with a consolation effort late on:

Nutmeg of the Week – Matty Taylor nails both Alex and Petr Cech with a pin-point drive to silence the already-pretty-quiet Chelsea faithful

Save of the Week – Jamie Ashdown claws out a vicious a Simon Davies shot lowdown on his left-hand side

Skill of the Week – He’s done it time and time again this year, but Fernando Torres sublime shoulder-drop-and-gas-pedal earned him yet another goal this weekend

Miss of the Week – Cameron Jerome produced one of the misses of the season, somehow skying in front of an open goal 3 yards out

ASBO of the Week – Paul Scholes, not exactly renowned for his tackling ability, goes right through the back of Wilson Palacios and sends him about ten feet up in the air.

Embarassment of the Week – A certain England international puts on the worng shorts and has to quickly change in the tunnel:

Ouch of the Week – Poor John Terry dislocates his elbow after a clash with Petr Cech.

Quote of the Week – Alen Hansen speaks the truth about Alex Ferguson: “If he wins the Champions League again he may have a claim to be the best there has ever been”

Hero of the Week – Ryan Giggs had basically a perfect footballing day; he equaled Bobby Charlton’s appearance record for United, scored the winning goal, and claimed his record-breaking tenth league title. Doesn’t get much better than that but he still wasn’t remotely excited in the post-match interview.

Zero of the Week – Alex McLeish and Steve Coppell have to hold their hands up and take responsibility. The former took what was a talented, above average side and got them relegated, while Coppell was all too happy to rest on his laurels from last season while the rest of the league figured them out.

Personal Highlight of the Week – Ronaldo, Torres, Fabregas, Bentley etc etc…it’s been the most exciting season for some time and it’s been a pleasure to walk you all through it.

Super Championship Sunday

Ask anyone who has actually watched any of the Championship this year and they will tell you that it has been far and away the most exciting in recent memory, maybe even ever, with literally any team capable of beating any other on the day, and the top spot changing hands almost weekly. The nay-sayers will give you the standard line about West Brazil Albion being the only team out of the 24 who can actually pass a ball, everyone else just hoofing to a big man up top, but throughout the year we have seen some fantastic stuff from virtually every team in the division, and enough passion to put the Premier League to shame. With just the one game left to play this Sunday then, we thought it would be fitting to give everyone a summation of the state of play as things stand, with promotion, play-offs and relegation all coming down to this vital 46^th. All games take place at 14:00 Sunday, with Stoke and Hull being shown live on Sky TV, so we urge you to tune in, because basically anything could happen.

1	West Bromwich Albion	45	22	12	11	86	55	31	78	Promotion to Premier League 2008-09
2	Stoke City	45	21	15	9	69	55	14	78
3	Hull City	45	21	12	12	65	46	19	75	League Championship playoffs 2007-08
4	Bristol City	45	19	14	12	51	53	-2	71
5	Watford	45	18	15	12	61	55	6	69
6	Crystal Palace	45	17	17	11	53	42	11	68
7	Wolverhampton Wanderers	45	17	16	12	52	48	4	67
8	Ipswich Town	45	17	15	13	64	56	8	66
9	Sheffield United	45	17	15	13	54	48	6	66
10	Plymouth Argyle	45	17	13	15	60	49	11	64
11	Burnley	45	16	14	15	60	62	-2	62
12	Charlton Athletic	45	16	13	16	59	57	2	61
13	Cardiff City	45	15	16	14	56	55	1	61
14	Queens Park Rangers	45	14	16	15	60	64	-4	58
15	Preston North End	45	15	11	19	50	53	-3	56
16	Norwich City	45	15	10	20	48	55	-7	55
17	Barnsley	45	14	13	18	52	62	-10	55
18	Blackpool	45	12	17	16	58	63	-5	53
19	Coventry City	45	14	11	20	51	60	-9	53
20	Sheffield Wednesday	45	13	13	19	50	54	-4	52
21	Leicester City	45	12	15	18	42	45	-3	51
22	Southampton	45	12	15	18	53	70	-17	51	Relegation to League One 2008-09
R	Scunthorpe United	45	11	12	22	43	66	-23	45
R	Colchester United	45	7	16	22	59	83	-24	37

At the top of the pile then, West Brom and Stoke City are currently tied on points with 78, but the Baggies’ superior goal difference gives them the edge at the moment. They are basically guaranteed promotion after their point on Monday night against Southampton; it would take a miracle for Hull to superceed them from third given the goal difference, as I seriously doubt the Tigers have a 13 – 0 win in their locker. Stoke then need just a point at home to Leicester to keep their fate in their own hands, but they might not even need that should Hull fail to get 3 points against play-off outsiders Ipswich. Looking at those teams currently occupying the third to sixth places, what we see is probably a fair reflection of the year as a whole, with early pace-setters Watford and Bristol City holding down spots alongside current form teams Hull and Crystal Palace. Wolves are just outside the qualification zone, despite playing some nice stuff and scoring plenty of goals, with defensive leaks costing them a higher finish this year. Along with Ipswich, Sheffield United are still mathematically able to finish in the top 6, but after a poor season which has seen them rely almost solely on James Beattie for goals, they would be perhaps punching above their weight.

Down near the drop-zone, Norwich and Barnsley have managed to turn things around in recent weeks to ensure their safety. Overall, relegation for either of these teams would certainly have been unfair given the talent they each have and their desire to play attacking football, but awful starts to the campaign made it look like a reality at Christmas. So with Colchester and Scunthorpe already resigned to their fate, we are left with five teams on the bubble, with just two points separating Southampton, Leicester, Sheffield Wednesday, Coventry and Blackpool. On the final day, all five teams face tough challenges however: Southampton face Sheffield United at home, Leicester are away at Stoke, Sheffield Wednesday host Norwich, Coventry are at Charlton, and Blackpool have Watford visiting. Wednesday and Coventry perhaps have the edge, since they face teams with nothing to play for, but the other three all face stern tests against sides vying for promotion in one way or another. It’s too close to call, but STT’s money is on the Southampton, currently occupying that dreaded 22^nd spot, to be relishing League One football next year.

Finally we turn our attention to the Championship PFA awards, that also took place this past weekend when Ronaldo was crowned big cheese for the second successive year, but no-one heard about it. Understandably, title rivals Stoke and West Brom dominated the side, with three players from each club earning selection. Impressive Potters trio Ryan Shawcross, Liam Lawrence and Ricardo Fuller were all rewarded for their fine form, and a goal-scoring record of 38 in total between them, by making the PFA's best XI. Albion meanwhile were represented by Paul Robinson, Jonathan Greening and Kevin Phillips, with unsung heroes Carl Hoefkens and Robert Koren also surely in contention. Bristol City duo Bradley Orr and Marvin Elliott figured as well, alongside Wolves goalkeeper Wayne Hennessey, Barnsley captain and FA Cup hero Brian Howard, and finally hulking Watford centre-back Danny Shittu.

PFA Championship Team of the Year:

Wayne Hennessey (Wolves)

Bradley Orr (Bristol City)

Ryan Shawcross (Stoke)

Danny Shittu (Watford)

Paul Robinson (West Brom)

Brian Howard (Barnsley)

Marvin Elliott (Bristol City)

Liam Lawrence (Stoke)

Jonathan Greening (West Brom)

Ricardo Fuller (Stoke)

Kevin Phillips (West Brom)

My (half-assed) Football Club

Late last year myfootballclub.co.uk set out to revolutionise the relationship between fans and executives by offering the common man on the interwebz a chance to own part of their own club. Ebbsfleet United were essentially floated on the stock-market, with any old Abromovich wannabe able to buy a stake for only 35 beans a year. The most attractive part of the deal however was the level on control advertised to the owners, with democratic procedure supposedly in place to give you a say in tactics, team selection, pie fillings, and cheerleader age. If this sounds familiar that’s because it is basically a real-life version of Champ Man (or Football Manager as it’s now called) the classic PC game ideal for whiling away those weekends way back before beer and skirt were alternatives, or even today to put off revision and dissertation writing.

However, it all sounded almost too good to be true, with many industry folk (including our pals over at Soccerlens and 200 percent) suggesting that MyFC would struggle in practice once the novelty value wore off. The opportunity always sounded like those token birthday or Christmas presents you get for people you don’t know that well, such as ‘an acre of the Amazon rainforest’ or ‘your own star in our galaxy,’ and MyFC executives have already had to intercede with the owners’ requests. A memo from Liam Daish (coupled with another article from the MyFC board in general) politely tells informs all owners that they cannot actually pick the team or decide tactics just yet. This comes after only a month trial of the famous ‘team selector,’ something that has unfortunately received a very low response from the members, on average just 1 - 1.5%.

Furthermore Mr Daish rightly observes that, of that tiny percentage, probably as small a fraction again are even watching the games or know who the players are. Call me cynical, but was that not kind of immediately obvious? I don’t even know where Ebbsfleet is, or what league they’re in, let alone who their best pick at left-back is? At the end of the day, it has understandably escaped most people’s attention that the whim of us so-called owners is actually playing with real players’ lives and careers. I’d feel sorry for an Ebbsfleet striker being forced to play in goal just because a high enough percentage of online voters thought it might be ‘a laugh.’ For this reason ultimately Mr Daish went on to say, “the Web Team feel uncomfortable forcing team selection on to the club when it’s not clear whether the appetite is there.” That’s the end of that then.

Bottom line is that as an innovative and entrepreneurial exercise, this was great for the club and the profile of lower-league football, however it was always fundamentally pretty impractical. For involving football management though you’re better off sticking to computer simulations, but if you do wanna make it that bit more real, STT suggests you try dropping acid before you play.

Silver Lining

Following Wednesday night’s abject failure, the STT editorial office was turned on its head. Glass was smashed, files were thrown, computers were dropped out of windows. Basically, it was like any regular Sunday morning in that maintenance cupboard the Daily Sport is produced in. Anyway, now that the dust has literally settled, the blood has dried, and we’ve found an undamaged PC to write on, it’s time to look at the positives and try to move forward.

It is clear that we need a serious regime change, both on and off the field. I don’t blame McClaren, I just feel a bit sorry for him because he so obviously only ever brought in as a patsy in the first place. We need a manager who wants to play football (remember that?) and is given the freedom to not only pick the squad himself, but to experiment without the constant fear of being fired. We need an almost completely new pool of young players who are talented enough to play however they’re asked to play, and also more importantly, are actually passionate enough about the game to play with the same level of pride felt by all the fans. Say what you want about guys like Alan Smith and even Joey Barton, but at least they’d be committed to the cause and not just going through the motions like so many of our current crop seem to.

The archetype to follow has been established by the Netherlands. Having failed to qualify for World Cup 2002, serious questions were asked of the team, and essentially they were all given one last chance to prove their pedigree. Despite then reaching the semi-finals of Euro 2004, Coach Dick Advocaat was criticized for his tactics and team selection, ultimately stepping down from the job after the tournament to make way for Dutch legend Marco van Basten. He made it clear what he wanted to achieve, and this meant looking not two years the future, but 4 or even 8 in advance. As such, many of the team's world-class veterans like the two de Boers, Edgar Davids, Clarence Seedorf, Marc Overmars, Jaap Stam and Patrick Kluivert either chose to retire or were simply not selected for the upcoming World Cup 2006 squad by the new coach. Sure, the 2006 campaign wasn’t an overt success, losing 1 – 0 to Portugal in the tournament’s first knockout stage, but the important fact to focus on is that this young team has stayed together, and will do for at least another World Cup, when you can guarantee that they will be there or thereabouts when it matters. By establishing a team where the majority are under 25, van Basten knew that he could use the exact same squad for several tournaments to come and, given the vote of confidence by the Dutch FA, had plenty of time to get the best out of them, with the pressure off.

This has to be the approach of the British FA now that Mr McClaren has been officially let go. Take their time to find the right manager who will inspire confidence in the players, and show him the trust the Dutch FA have demonstrated in van Basten. Players need to be picked objectively, with the 2010 World Cup in mind as the first test. Over-rated stars who go missing in the big games need to be shown the door to make way for fresh blood who are prepared to bleed for the shirt if that’s what it takes. Monetary incentives should be removed, and anyone who is arrogant enough to not play for their country for free needs to be forgotten about. As such, here is what STT have come up with and we suggest that this group of players start getting together as soon as possible…

Proposed 2010 World Cup Team:

GK - Ben Foster

RB - Micah Richards

CB - John Terry

CB - Stuart Taylor

LB - Nedum Onuoha

RW - Gabriel Agbonlahor

CM - Mark Noble

CM - Michael Johnson

LW - David Bentley. That boy's got some moves.

CF - Wayne Rooney

CF – Dean Ashton

Other notables – Theo Woolcott, Aaron Lennon, James Milner, Matt Derbyshire, Nigel Reo-Coker, Ashley Young, Luke Moore, Justin Hoyte, Gary O’Neill, Matt Taylor, Nicky Shorey,

As ever, praise, suggestions, abuse and erectile dysfunction related spam to the usual address – sniffingtt@hotmail.com

Croatia: A Dummy's Guide

To say the game tonight between England and Croatia is a biggie would be something of an understatement. Anything other than a loss would see England limping through to the Euro 2008 finals in Austria and Switzerland, while defeat would mean that there wouldn't be a competitive international game at Wembley for a year, as the economy takes a rumoured £1,000,000,000 hit. In such tense times, you need to know your enemy.

What to Say

When talking to someone of Croatian decent, you must bear in mind the country's proud Slavic heritage. The language has been forced through changes throughout the years by Communists and Fascists alike, but the best words always mean the same. 'Yebem', 'Sragne' and 'Pichka' constitute the big 3 swears, in no particular order. The better insults include 'smrdljiva kurvetino' (you stinky bitch) and the Starbucks-esque 'Shoopchino' (Arsehole).

What Not To Say

'yebo ti kogn krwavim kurtzem sestru na maychinom grobu'. Stick that in your Babelfish and smoke it. Most Croatians will faint if this is said to their face.

Rumours to Spread

• Former star player and occasional national team advisor Robert Prosinecki smoked 40 tabs a day at the peak of his career. His wheeze of choice was Old Holborn, rolled in those horrid liquorice rizlas.

• Slaven Bilic, also no stranger to the evil weed, isn't really a footballer at all. He actually thinks of himself as a lawyer and rock band frontman, who oversees the occasional kickaround.

• Niko Krancjar's former agent ws shot dead in 2005, while Niko only got in the Croatian national team to begin with, because his dad was the manager.

• Eduardo isn't actually Croatian.

How to Stand

Not like this:

click to enlarge

Enjoy the game. I am particularly looking forward to seeing Peter Crouch look completely isolated!

Israel : A Dummy's Guide

Since England’s hopes of qualifying for the 2008 European Championships now rest on the slight shoulders of the Israeli side, who must take at least a point off Russia to give us a hope of making it through, we at STT thought now would be a good chance to get behind our Jewish brothers and show them some support. The game takes place on Saturday at 6 p.m. so you all have plenty of time to absorb the below guide on to how to best support Israel on this Judgement Day of Terminator 2-esque proportions:

What to wear

A white doo-rag and black top hat on your head, quoiffed sideburns and a black suit with a white shirt. Batman-style cloak is optional and encouraged. Thankfully Burberry and Stone Island have both just released their 2007 ‘Festival of Light’ range so you shouldn’t find it too hard to pick these items up on any average high street.

What to read

The Torah; cracking little yarn about a talking snake, a pimp daddy who had 40 kids by 40 different women and an O.G. (original gangsta) named Moses. Highly recommended, although it does only come printed on a scroll which is not only hard to read in confined space, but it also likely to be thought of as a weapon and removed on sight by proactive policemen.

What to eat

Falafel; deep-fried minced chick peas usually served in a pitta bread that is the “McDonalds double cheeseburger” of Judaism, enjoyed by all the best hoodrats and street punks. It might not have any meat in it, but covered in ketchup, mayo and chilli sauce, tastes about the same as anything else from your local Kebab establishment of choice.

What to drink

Botz; despite literally meaning ‘muddy coffee,’ Wikipedia tells me that it is the drink most associated with “young, dynamic people who do not care about having their coffee prepared in a more ‘bourgeois’ way.” Sounds perfect, although how you can get more ‘bourgeois’ than Bovril (with a slight skin on top) I do not know.

What to sing

“El, El, Israel!” which approximately translates into English as:

“Your sister is your mother,
Your uncle is your brother,
You all fuck one another…
The RUSSIAN family!
der der der der…(clap, clap)…der der der der…(clap, clap) x 2”

Hopefully no-one’s who’s actually Jewish has been too offended by this to re-visit STT in the future! If you are then please, rather than boycotting the site altogether (dictionary definition of ‘cutting off your nose to spite your face’), drop me a line at the usual e-mail address and I shall send you a Christmas-themed edible treat by means of reconciliation.

Ebbsfleet United Bought by Unruly Mob

In one of the boldest and mosty interesting football ventures (gimmicks?) of recent times, MyFootballClub.co.uk have bought a cotrolling stake in Ebbsfleet United. Leeds, Oxford United and Accrington Stanley have also been mooted as targets, but it seems that the 'owners' have decided to put their money where their collective mouth is. The great unwashed public have all been welcome to join the scheme, so there should be a few interesting characters in board meetings!

So, who are Ebbsfleet, anyway? The club is a redux of Gravesend and Northfleet FC, renamed to tie in with the redevelopment of the area and to take advantage of the name of the nearby Eurostar Station - Ebbsfleet International. Their most famous former players are the irreverent Jimmy Bullard and Pompey backup keeper Jamie Ashdown. However, these luminaries are no longer at the club, so the new owners will have to pick from stars such as Luke Coleman, Danny Slatter and Paul McCarthy. Personally, I couldn't fit a Rizla between those 3.


The new structure is very different from a standard football club, as the owners pick the team and vote to appoint the board. This means that any manager will now only be head coach and will have to go with the democratic decision of the shareholders, or face the tin tack. This sounds stupid, but it's only an extra step away from the situation with a number of clubs in Spain, including Real Madrid and Barcelona. The force of fans as owners has been constricting and enabling at different times for these 2 teams, but Barcelona's relative rejuvination in the last 10 years has been partly down to the force of the grass roots purging the front office. If the lads and ladies who parted with their £35 give half as much of a shit as their Spanish counterparts then Ebbsfleet should be alright.

The problem is, many of these people will have bought their stake for novelty value and may be deeply disappointed that their money has bought them a tiny slice of an average Conference side. Let's hope that the owners don't decide to select the team in a mad drunken last minute scramble at 11:00 on a Friday night, choosing a strike pairing of 'that big bald fella' and 'captain bloke wassisface', with 'my arse' in goal.

Trevor Benjamin - Perennial (not Perineal) Journeyman

Glancing at Sky Sports News in the pub last night, I was shocked that I had let this slip under the radar for almost three months now. In his phenomenal 12 year professional career, Trevor Benjamin has now played for 16 separate English league teams, surpassing the previous record of Goalkeeper John Burridge, often regarded as the quintessential football journeyman.

In total Burridge made league appearances for 15 English league clubs and five Scottish league clubs in a 27-year career, in addition to being on the books of four English league clubs and one Scottish League club without playing games for them. Remarkably he also had spells at six non-league clubs during his epic career, giving him a grand total of 31 clubs!

Benjamin however broke the record when he signed for League Two heavyweights Hereford United in August this year, tipping his total to the magical 16, of which an incredible 15 have been since the year 2000! Perhaps most settled at Leicester City, who paid a whopping £1.5million for his services, Benjamin still struggled to just 11 goals in 81 appearances as the Foxes languished in the Premier League.

Whats funny is that, looking at his list of clubs (below) they are spread around pretty much the whole country, so either Big Trev had to move an awful lot, or he actually lives in a caravan. If you are in any doubt about whether this story deserves coverage here, bear in mind that not only is he Jamaican but he’s also mates with Rio Ferdinand. Man like Rio will merc up your manor if you don’t big up his bredrin.

Years	Club	App (Gls)
1995-2000 2000-2005 2001-2002 2002 2002 2003 2003-2004 2004 2004-2005 2005 2005 2005-2007 2005 2006 2007 2007 2007-	Cambridge United Leicester City → Crystal Palace (loan) → Norwich City (loan) → West Bromwich Albion (loan) → Gillingham (loan) → Rushden & Diamonds (loan) → Brighton & Hove Albion (loan) → Northampton Town (loan) Northampton Town Coventry City Peterborough United → Watford (loan) → Swindon Town (loan) → Boston United (loan) → Walsall (loan) Hereford United	123 (35) 81 (11) 6 (1) 6 (0) 3 (1) 4 (1) 6 (1) 10 (5) 4 (2) 1 (0) 12 (1) 47 (8) 2 (0) 8 (2) 3 (0) 8 (2) 8 (5)