Gameweek 14 – Mainline

Wow, what a boring weekend of football. The big-4 managed precisely zero goals between them, but take nothing away from Newcastle, Aston Villa and Fulham who all battled hard for their goalless draws. Liverpool welcomed back Fernando Torres, who looked bright in spells, but overall a draw was probably a fair return for Fulham’s graft. Chelsea found an inspired Shay Given too good for them at Stamford Bridge, while Aston Villa perhaps could’ve had a late penalty after Vidic man-handled a flying Agbonlahor to the ground, only for referee Chris Foy to see no infringement. Manchester City meanwhile produced perhaps the performance of the weekend at home to Arsenal, creating chances for fun as the Gunners’ season continues to crumble around its captain-less ship.

Bolton and West Ham got great little away wins at Middlesbrough and Sunderland respectively, while Harry Redknapp’s Spurs are back on track after a decent performance against Blackburn, who look pretty clueless at the moment despite some quality individuals. These three results are systematic at how exciting the season has been so far, with inconsistency so epidemic that anyone outside of the top 3 believes they truly can beat anyone else.

Finally, in what Paul Merson reasonably described as literally the worst match he’d ever seen, newly-promoted Stoke took the points over a struggling West Brom team who must think about re-evaluating their passing ethic to be successful. Kudos to Stoke for scoring with a non-Rory Delap throw-in scenario though.

Game of the Week – Portsmouth vs Hull City

Perhaps the most exciting game this weekend came at Fratton Park where Hull's never-say-die spirit was again in evidence as Phil Brown's men twice came from a goal down to force a decent draw at an always difficult away ground. Glen Johnson’s screamer was the highlight, and Pompey seemed to be cruising, until the 39-year-old STT hero Dean Windass popped up late on to force a Pamarot own goal to earn the Tigers a great point.

Player(s) of the Week – Shaun Wright-Phillips, Robinho and Steven Ireland

This triumvirate have been truly phenomenal this season so far, and no more so than this past weekend where a flat Arsenal team were brushed aside by the pace and directness of a free-flowing City side. Ireland is playing the best football of his career by a long way, SWP is back to his best, and Robinho is, well, he’s a bit tasty isn’t he.

Goal of the Week – Glen Johnson

Most weeks Robinho's quite breathtaking chip would have taken the plaudits, but when a right-back smacks a left-foot volley from 30 yards into the top corner, you have to give him props. See it for yourself about halfway into the match highlights above. Better than Bentley’s cracker against Arsenal a few weeks ago? Just maybe…

Shit Goal of the Week – Kevin Davies

We’ve already seen some excellently shambolic goals this season, but this Davies opener at the Riverside this weekend is surely up there. Steinsson met Matty Taylor’s freekick with a powerful header, only for it to clip the back of Davies’ head and deflect into the net. Played for and got, as they say.

Miss of the Week – Valon Behrami

You know, ‘miss of the week’ might be giving the Swiss wing-back a little bit too much credit actually, because in reality this is simply one of the worst misses of all time. Craig Bellamy rounds the keeper, rolls it into Behrami four yards out, and somehow he manages to lift the ball onto the crossbar. Truly exceptional incompetence.

Save of the Week – Shay Given

Given has to be one of the most underrated servants in the history of the Premier League, and once again proved his worth as Newcastle slammed the door shut on Chelsea for the first time this season. The pick of his performance was early on in the first half, when Florent Malouda picked out Frank Lampard with a delightful chip into the penalty area. Super Frank powered a header low down to Given’s right, but somehow the Irishman premeditated the direction and clawed it away.

Whinge of the Week – Arsene Wenger

Sometimes you have to genuinely wonder whether Arsene Wenger is watching the same game. After seeing his side crumble 3 – 0 away at Eastlands, in a match they probably should’ve lost by twice that margin, Wenger only suggested that the result “flattered Manchester City.” To his credit Mark Hughes simply replied “I think Arsene’s maybe being a bit ungracious,” with a smile.

Dick of the Week – Nikolas Bendtner

As we predicted last week, Mr Bendtner did indeed wear pink boots this weekend at Eastlands. Surprisingly he was as useless as ever, and is still searching for that illusive second goal of the season. That’s right, he has as many league goals as Titus Bramble.

In Off the Pink

Those of you with good memories will remember that way back in 1970 Alan Ball was the first player to make a fashion statement with his boots. Until the then-Everton star wore white Hummel boots, it had never been conceived that football boots should be anything other than black. Ball later complained that the white boots felt like cardboard, and he even got the club's apprentices to paint his regular black Adidas boots white until he was rumbled by a sponsor and forced to return to the ropey Hummels.

Since then we have seen some truly incredible efforts, from grass-textured ‘camouflage’ Pumas to 24-carat gold plated Nikes, tailored especially for Ronaldinho to celebrate his Ballon d’Or. Now though, I fear things might be getting slightly out of hand.

Those of you with a keen sense of sight will have surely noticed that the above new Nike Mercurial Rosas are pink. Yes, pink as in My Little Pony. Now I’m all for expansive footwear, and showing off on a football pitch, but come on, do Nike really expect any self-respecting Premier League players to actually wear these monstrosities? Surely if they were to, they’d have to be basically the best player in the world, with little or no regard as to what other people think of them. Cristiano Ronaldo does clearly know where to draw the line and when to say no however, because do you know who the lucky star who will be showing these off is?

Underwhelming Arsenal failure Nicklas Bendtner.

I hope you’re getting well paid for this mate because you are going to get the living shit kicked out of you. Check here for some amusing Nike viral gauging people’s reactions to the Rosas:

Shine Your Boots Guv’nor

The position of boot boy is a hallowed tradition within professional football. It gives aspiring players a taste of the day-to-day life behind the glamour and helps them keep their feet on the ground. These days however, with Premier League debuts at increasingly younger ages, the natural order has been disrupted somewhat and many of these young stars skip the boot boy stage all together, instead being covered in Cristal and diamonds before they’re even old enough to drive. It makes me smile therefore that some clubs still pride themselves on maintaining this key formative stage, and furthermore, that some established stars still appreciate having their boots cleaned and their teas made. After the long slog of a season being essentially a grown-man’s bitch, one might expect to keep the player’s boots, or even have a jump on one of their girlfriends, but lucky James McPike at Birmingham got a Mercedes.

Having been assigned to French midfield talent Olivier Kapo, McPike was reportedly stunned when he was thrown the keys to the £30,000 run-about and told it was his to keep. His first thought was that Kapo was joking, or it was part of some cruel campaign of merc-ing from prime jokester Rio Ferdinand, explaining to the ex-Juventus man that he would struggle to afford the insurance for such an expensive car. So ever the gent, Kapo drove the incredulous trainee to his home, handed him the spare keys and log book, and then insisted on paying for a year's insurance. A club source told the Daily Fascist that McPike had initially asked Kapo for a pair of boots to mark the end of the season, and was obviously disappointed when Kapo said he’d taken them all home already. “He perked up considerably when he was tossed a set of keys,” the source glibly concluded.

Kapo is apparently on a £1.5m annual contract at the recently relegated Birmingham and is said to have just bought the Mercedes as a quick stop-gap when he arrived in Birmingham last year. He has added a Porsche and a Hummer to his fleet so decided to give McPike the Mercedes to avoid the questions that always come with controlled fires or staged robberies. Blues manager Alex McLeish said he learned of Kapo's generosity only when he saw James driving the Mercedes out of the training ground yesterday. “It was a magnificent gesture and one that's entirely in keeping with Kapo's character,” the Scot said. “He's been in Italy with Juventus, one of the biggest clubs in the world, but he clearly has not forgotten the time when he was an aspiring professional himself, hoping to go on to bigger and better things. McLeish joked: “As he was in such a generous mood, I asked him what he had done with the house he had left behind in Turin. Unfortunately, he smiled and said he wanted to keep hold of that.” Kudos to Kapo then for proving himself to be a nice guy in a world of selfish and conceited bastards.