The Shoes Maketh the Man

Often I have thought that the one thing holding me back from going pro was not having the right pair of Astroturf shoes. Now however, I think my time has come because finally I have got an awesome pair of Adidas F30.8 indoors to stroll around in majestically while I carve open many a hapless opposition team.

There are made by using science, and that involves the grafting of a lightweight microfiber synthetic material by Eastern European virgins for a comfortable fit. That’s why these beauties are so prestigious. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find an Eastern European virgin these days?

Finally, here’s the sexy part: not only do they look like NASA discovered them, but they also have a handy Agion antimicrobial lining to limit bacterial and fungal growth.

Aesthetics – 9 / 10

Opinion-dividing to say the least…many of my male friends think they’re a bit “garish,” but they all have appalling dress senses anyway, so their collective opinion is void. Chicks dig ‘em though, and most importantly so does the person giving the final rating, i.e. me

Touch – 9 / 10

These shoes have a nice little fold-over tongue feature, which goes over the laces and increases proper usable kicking surface. So, if unlike me you aren’t amazing at football, you won’t have to middle all your passes and shots quite as well to get a favourable outcome. Also if you struggle with laces generally, the velcro’s got you covered.

Scoring ability – 1 / 10

Alas it was a poor week generally for Boafista, and I myself am in the midst or a relatively barren scoring spell. This is not because I have lost it though. It is in fact more reflective of the responsible Claude Makalele-esque water-carrying job I am doing at the back.

How much of a kicking did I get wearing them – 8 / 10

Opposition meatheads took exception to the stylish translucent blue panelling along the sides of the shoes and thus tried to break my ankles because of it. Do not let this put you off however; the more people try and blood-thirstedly kick you, the easier it is to nutmeg them. Fact.

Big thanks go out to the kind folks over at SoccerPro.com for sending us these delightful shoes to try out. They’re good folks over there, and provide top quality gear whether you want shirts, balls or shoes. They definitely didn’t pay us to say that.

Baby Lions led by Crap Donkies

Ok, obviously the real action took place last night up at Mile End Stadium, but apparently some people seem to not really care about how amazing me and my friends are at 5-a-side and would rather hear about the bunch of over-rated no-hopers that we like to call the England national team. Well, that’ll just have to wait, because last night the mighty Boafista recorded their first win since gaining promotion to the Premier League, playing the league-leaders Passmasters comprehensively off the park in a 5 – 0 thrashing that certainly flattered them. Ok, admittedly they only had four players, but as tempers frayed as they seem to quite often these days, the presumably-ironically-named Passmasters well and truly bottled it. I can’t remember who scored but trust me they were all crackers.

Anyway, in case you didn’t hear, England drew 2 – 2 with the Czech Republic last night in an embarrassingly empty Wembley, as boos rained down on the so-called best that this country has to offer. Now put aside the score, because it was a friendly and ultimately no-one really cares. The manner of our play and team selection simply have to be brought into question, because under new manager Fabio Capello we were promised changes and forward momentum. Thus far, there have been no signs of this.

Surely the whole point of wiping the slate clean after the failure to qualify for Euro 2008 was to plan for the future and look ahead to World Cup 2010 with a view to not only qualify, but also to progress to the very latter stages. Answer me this then Mr Capello: why the fuck is David Beckham still even being entertained at this level? He is 33 now and there is literally no way he will be playing in South Africa at the age of 35. We were assured that under Capello there would be no room for sentiment; D Beck has his 100 caps and it is now time to shut the door. David Bentley has been without question the most impressive English performer at Premier League level over the last 18 months, and is surely a man to build a team for 2010 around. Why then was he only introduced with less than 15 minutes left on the clock? Other exciting young prospects such as Ashley Young, Gabriel Agbonlahor and James Milner simply must be given experience at this level, because certainly they too will play a crucial part in two years time. The likes of Stuart Downing and Jermain Jenas have been given their chance time and time again in recent memory with limited success, yet once again they were trotted out for 20 minutes or so.

The central midfield also continues to beguile. The Lampard/Gerrard conundrum is getting a bit boring to say the least, but I guess they continue to frustrate only because we lack genuine alternatives. Sure Gareth Barry is a central midfielder, but is he really that good? In any other country would he have reached the level of international contention? I think not. Looking to the under-21s what are our options however? Nigel Reo-Coker? Tom Huddlestone? Jesus Christ. It’s a sad state of affairs when you look elsewhere to the likes of Cesc Fabregas, Matthieu Flamini and Lassana Diarra. Only Manchester City’s Michael Johnson, at the age of 20, looks like he might have the potential to step-up and fill the central midfield boots, but at a club without regular European competition, will he be able to make the jump?

At the very back and the very front there is perhaps less to worry about, with our genuine quality at the top end, and plenty of talent coming through at the bottom. When though is it time to say goodbye to John Terry and Rio Ferdinand, and look Micah Richards, Steven Taylor and Jonathon Woodgate permanently? Similarly, how long do we give Wayne Rooney to pull himself out of this 18-month-long ‘blip’ of form at national level? His club form tells you all you need to know though perhaps; alongside world-class ability, he himself is also world-class, but alongside mediocrity, there’s only so much hard work and passion will achieve. Suitable replacements though, past the usual Crouchs and Defoes are a little bleak however, and the less said about Emile Heskey’s recall last night the better. Dean Ashton has the talent but can he stay fit for more than a week? Andy Johnson too has the raw materials, but like Michael Johnson he lacks good enough challenges week in, week out. If the hopes of the future of the nation are to be placed on the shoulders of Theo Woolcott then that is just too depressing for words.

What really smarts at the moment though, and what underlines perhaps more than is fair the disappointment of the national team, is the overwhelming success of the British Olympians. Take away the extortionate wages, egos and media pandering, and this country clearly can produce world-beating athletes. Is it that simple though? The Spanish and Italian leagues have as much money in them, and at international level those two countries have managed to win the two most recent major competitions. I don’t know, this argument rages in a circle indefinitely.

It seems then that once again we are left only with the crushing realisation that as a country we are just fundamentally shit at football. Great.

Your Favourite Team’s Favourite Team (part 3)

As we pushed through the bustling crowd that had gathered at Mile End Stadium, I think some of the Boafista stars were feeling the pressure a bit. We all knew what was required of us: one win out of the two remaining games would earn us promotion to the Premier League, with both our closest promotion rivals, Southwark Lions and the formidable Fidel, standing in the way. Temperatures were once again soaring, and a difficult hour-long period of supposed relaxation after work wasn’t what we needed to ease the nerves. Seeing the legions of fans that had made the trip up from Hackney to cheer, and occasionally flash the opposition, showed us what we were playing for though, and going through the standard warm-up regime of stretches and cigarettes, we started to get fired up.

The first match was against a Southwark Lions team that had come on leaps and bounds since the timid foursome we played in the season opener. And by that I mean that they’d drafted in a Portuguese ringer who was probably the best individual player (besides myself obviously) in the Wednesday night Power League. Identifying the threat though, the self-appointed tactical expert Alaninho suggested we just sit on that guy man-for-man for the whole game to stop them playing, and you know what, it worked. We bossed the pace of the game, spraying it around at the back with aplomb, while further up the pitch a rejuvenated Lloydinho caused problem after problem with his movement and physical presence.

As the clock ticked down though, the still-goalless scoreline was a cause for concern, as a poached goal from them and we were in all sorts of problems. A huge effort from the ‘Fisters in the final quarter however, driven by a whole-hearted desire to not have to play poor Paul Hasting two more times this summer, proved too much for the toothless Lions, and with around seven minutes to go a deflected shot from Alaninho landed at my feet about 12 yards out. There was no pass on and no pressure on the ball, so looking up I picked my spot and drew that famously insured right leg back to unleash hell. My touch however unusually let me down, and instead of a drive of Roberto Carlos-esque venom, I topped the shot and watched it trickle embarrassingly towards their normally-solid keeper. Thankfully though he had an absolute mare, and somehow contrived to let the ball bumble through his legs for the game’s only goal. We played keep ball as the seconds ticked away, and when the ref blew for full time, the amassed crowd went chicken oriental to celebrate our glorious promotion into the big time.

Spirits were obviously high going into the final game against league winners Fidel. Since both teams were already promoted, they was little to play for, but we were definitely motivated by Fidel’s cock-ish habit of always wearing assorted Arsenal kit. Such was the energy expenditure in that first game however, we were honestly pretty rubbish, and to be fair to Fidel they can all play a bit. Jakinho, Jiminho and Jackinho all put themselves about, but the movement of Fidel was causing problems on the break. Only hardman enforcer Robinho and returning super-keeper Deaninho kept our clean sheet as the first-half rolled on at a high tempo. Bragging rights were clearly in both teams’ minds, and as the game got physical, tempers started to flair. Lloydinho was subject to some truly shocking illegal slide tackles, while Desmondinho also found himself getting a bit of treatment after throwing a few elbows about. The game descended into essentially a fight, with one of their players getting red carded in the dying minutes, but still, the final 0 – 3 scoreline was disappointing. We definitely look forward to playing them two more times in the big boys league over the next couple of months, and hopefully getting some revenge, while four new opponents in the Premier League will offer another new challenge.

So at the halfway point in the season our record is six wins, three losses and a draw. Big up to everyone who’s played so far and start getting psyched up for next week in the top flight! Oh also I finally took some photos this week so I hope you have enjoyed them. We are the ones in yellow by the way.

Your Favourite Team’s Favourite Team (part 2)

You might or might not have noticed that after a delightfully modest rundown of our opening week fortunes, the last fortnight has been somewhat devoid of Boafista updates. While I have realised just how much you good people will be fiending to know how my 5-a-side team has been doing (thanks for the threatening e-mails), we’ve, er, not really performed too well so I’ve kind of glossed over the follow-up reports. Now however, with just one week to go before the crucial promotion/relegation halfway point in the season, we are sitting pretty, second in the league with 5 wins out of 8!

Following our 100% start in the league’s opening round, week two was unfortunately a complete disaster, and we snatched defeat from the jaws of victory in both games. Admittedly the conditions were horrendous (it was the day where an inch of rain fell in about two hours) but that doesn’t excuse the manner of the play. The first loss was 1 – 6 to the highly rated Fidel side who currently sit atop the league overall, but honestly that score-line flattered them; we never really got going after taking an early lead, and they got three of those goals in the last couple of minutes. In the second game we initially bounced back well to take a quick 2 – 0 lead against unknown quantities Joslin Rovers, only to then switch off completely and somehow lose 3 – 2 against a pretty shite team who’s only value is an amusing wanking gag in their name.

We dusted ourselves off however for week three of the competition, and with the sun back out, were confident that we could recover a bit of form. Lacking crucial players, the opening game against Paul Hastings was a tense affair, with shots raining down on the opposition’s goal. To be fair to him, Paul put himself about a bit after we took the lead, chasing down everything even though the poor guy looked absolutely knackered after five minutes. The victory looked sealed after 15 minutes of textbook keep-ball ran Mr Hastings into the ground, but a lucky free-kick and an even luckier deflection gifted Paul his undeserved equaliser. Spirits were low despite a decent team performance, but buoyancy was restored when our second match opposition failed to turn up, gifting us a much-needed three points.

So week four then; soaring temperatures coupled with a serious desire to skip the football and head straight to a pub beer garden was our major obstacle on the walk to the stadium. Like the aspiring professionals we are though, we manned up, and sauntered onto the court to face plucky old Paul Hastings once again, eager to get the three points we deserved the previous week. Vindication is a dish best served hot and in a cheese-topped bap. By that I mean, we trounced Paul easily 5 – 2, with a quickfire brace from myself the obvious highlight. With a crocked super-striker deputising in goal, there were concerns that we might be vulnerable at the back, but Paul really struggled to get in the game as slick passing and the odd flair nutmeg demoralised him into submission.

Game two yesterday then was a grudge return match against an arrogant Joslin Rovers side, who were thinking they were in line to snatch our second-place promotion spot in the league. A nervy start saw them take an early 3 – 0 lead, with long-range pot-shots somehow always seeming to find the back of the net. A slightly homoerotic huddle followed but sometimes that’s all it takes to refocus tired minds. Superstar ringer Andrewinho then decided enough was enough, gliding through two tackles to get our names on the scoresheet. A dodgy penalty then got heads believing the great escape could be on, before the to-date goalless enforcer Robinho unleashed a wonderstrike to level the scores with five minutes to go. Alaninho then gave us the lead before the wondrous Andrewinho turned the screw once again to put victory beyond doubt and complete another 100% week for the Fisters. Their keeper complained a lot, and some short guy kept trying to break our ankles, but no matter, we prevailed, and now march into the league’s final week with a first-place finish solely centred in our collective minds.

As things stand we face league leaders Fidel first up next week, followed by the fearsome Southwark Lions second, who currently are the only team that can stop us attaining the mid-season promotion we so clearly deserve. Tune in next Wednesday then folks around 8:00 up at Mile End stadium where two teams from three will ride high into the Premier League, and one side will be crushed with the mediocre thought of having to play poor old Paul Hastings two more times in the next month.

Your Favourite Team’s Favourite Team

“There is currently no football of note taking place anywhere in the world,” I hear you shout. “Please help us STT, we are bored and it is over a month until even crap like the Emirates Cup starts!” Collective readership, prepare for your prayers to be answered. You see, this summer there was only one tournament ever really worth your attention, and it certainly wasn’t the one that finished last week in a couple of indiscriminate Northern European countries. No, it is based in the sleepy East London borough of Tower Hamlets, and kicked off last night.

That’s right, the Wednesday night 5-a-side Power League held at the mesmeric Mile End Stadium finally has started, and the country’s most loveable football blog was there to line itself up against the best that this delightful part of the city had to offer. Appropriating the more subtle team name of Boafista, part of the STT editorial staff was found strutting his stuff against two mighty behemoths of enclosed-space football. With kick off approaching, the nerves were dangling, and as a steady stream of pseudo-gangsters began to crowd around the courts to make fun of our shirt and haircuts, the pressure was well and truly on to produce a fearsome performance in the opening match of the competition.

First to dash themselves against the uncompromising rocks of Boafista were an unknown little outfit called the Southwark Lions. Starting with just four players, they looked dead in the water from kick-off, but an unorthodox tactic of just consistently passing the ball back to their goalkeeper frustrated the ambitious ‘Fisters. With games lasting only 17 minutes in total, the Lions set out to get a valuable point while waiting for their fifth player to find the Stadium. Following almost 15 minutes of neat passing, but no end product, the deadlock was finally broken by a quite spectacular drive through their goalkeeper’s legs from all of 7 yards out. The crowd went absolutely chicken oriental, and Boafista were flying high thanks to the insurance-protected right foot of yours truly. Another goal followed shortly afterwards to confirm the win as the Lions’ fitness was stretched, but there was no time for laurel-resting for the heroic men in yellow (i.e. us).

The second game of the evening started straight away, with an infamous squad known as Heritable Bank FC chomping at the bit outside of the court. Dressed in all white, they were an underwhelming physical prospect, but 17 minutes of intense running in the beating sun was already taking its toll on Boafista. Hammies were tightening and lungs were filling with fluid, but pride refused us any respite. A bright opening was marred by a tragic penalty miss by the Ginger Pele, Alaninho, but he soon made up for this with a cracking little finish to keep the ‘Fisters buoyant. They then responded with a penalty of their own, before sliding in two more fluke efforts while we were making substitutions to take the score to 1 – 3 halfway through. The tide started to turn however with the introduction of quite tasty little ringer, who hit a quick fire hat-trick to spare the Boafista blushes. Last laugh of the day fell of course to Alaninho though, who silenced any dissenting critics (i.e. me) with a long range left-footed effort which flew into the bottom corner leaving their goalkeeper languishing on his back like a date-raped turtle.

So two games, two wins. Not a bad start I think you’ll agree. And while the expected fluidity hasn’t quite manifested itself just yet, there were certainly sparks of brilliance around the team that signalled the force we will become over the next few months. Shout outs of course to everyone that contributed last night, it was a valiant team effort. Apologies for the lack of action photographs, no-one thought to bring a camera so you’ll have to wait until next week.

Finally an open invitation goes out to all local ladies that want to come down next Wednesday at 7:15 to watch some of your heroes gracing the fancy fake-grass in Mile End. They’ll be plenty of opportunity to get parts of your body signed should you wish, and obviously the local paparazzi will be alerted to take some snaps for the local right wing newspapers. We are also on the lookout for a couple of cheerleaders, someone to cut up some oranges for half-time, a couple more girls to throw their underwear at us at full-time, and of course several non-English-speaking masseurs that aren’t averse to rub ‘n’ tugs. Applications to the usual address; we look forward to hearing from you, and have removed the limit on our inbox if you decide that a video might help sway the application process.