Looking Down the Barrel

It’s a funny thing being an Arsenal-hater. Let me explain. As far as I’m concerned they are always fair game because deep down I know that they try and play the game the right way, and are capable of the spectacular. You can say whatever you want about their pretentious hypocrite of a manager, their spineless players and their mute fans, because ultimately they’re going to be there-or-thereabouts for four pieces of silverware a season without fail. Now though, with things genuinely falling apart at the Emirates, I’m not really sure how I feel; I should be over-the-moon but it’s somewhat bittersweet: Arsene Wenger seems to be losing plot, half their players are injured and the other half apparently now all hate each other.

In comments released today, captain William Gallas has lifted the lid on rifts threatening to tear the dressing room apart:

When, as captain, some players come up to you and talk to you about a player…complaining about him… and then during the match you speak to this player and the player in question insults us. There comes a time where we can no longer comprehend how this can happen. I am trying to defend myself a bit without giving names. Otherwise I’m taking it all [the blame]. It’s very frustrating.”

The question of course becomes, who is this mystery detractor? Well Gallas gave us a bit of a clue by saying: “I’m 31, the player is six years younger than me.” Sooooo, who in the Arsenal set-up is 25-years-old? Bacary Sagna is way too relaxed, Emmanuel Eboue too busy playing with tigers and Emmaunel Adebayor doesn’t really have the English language skills. We are left then with a man with a history of being a tosspiece, Robin van Persie; he’s generally pretty confrontational, has a vastly inflated opinion of himself, and let’s face it, has literally the worst haircut ever.

Word is that van Persie and little Theo Woolcott had a raging fight at half-time during the 4 – 4 draw with Tottenham a few weeks ago, despite the Gunners cruising at that point, and the rest of the team cannot stand the Dutchman these days.

Oh, and in other news, Gallas’ new autobiography is released today just in time for Christmas. Hmmm.

Gameweek 11 – The Fallen

Greetings faithful following and a somewhat delayed weekend review, as is becoming the custom these days unfortunately. But it is worth reading, I assure you!

Anyway, plenty of goals, shocks and last-minute drama this week as the league has been once again been given an all-mighty shake. We start as ever with the top dogs, and defending champions Manchester United appeared to be giving new boys Hull a lesson in class with an hour on the clock, leading 4 – 1, before the ever-spirited Tigers fought back to get within touch distance of an equaliser before the final whistle blew.

No such trouble for Chelsea though, who continued their imperious form against a Sunderland side who were frankly awful, for the second time in four days. Anelka bagged a hat-trick without actually doing anything, and in all honesty 5 – 0 flattered Sunderland.

Arsenal’s bad week continued as well though, with Arsene Wenger’s side already sitting on three defeats after just 11 games. Stoke City swung the axe this time, as a cacophonous and hostile Britannia Stadium saw their heroes romp away to a 2 – 1 victory, while Wenger and his underpowered Gunners were left licking their wounds and complaining about the Potters physical approach.

UEFA cup hopefuls Everton bagged their first home win of the season against a flat Fulham side, but once again left it very late, with new signing Louis Saha netting against his old club. The Toffees are up to seventh in the table now, having played pretty terribly all season so far, but maybe things are finally starting to fall into place for David Moyes’ men.

Not a good week for the other teams realistically eying a top-6 finish however, as Aston Villa, Portsmouth and Manchester City flopped against supposedly-lower-grade opposition to continue their frustratingly uneven starts to the year. Controversy, as ever, surrounded Newcastle on Monday night, but they were more than worth their 2 – 0 win over Martin O’Neill’s fluctuating Villa. Portsmouth are in danger of self-destructing with Harry Redknapp’s departure, and in typically-awful conditions at Fratton Park, Wigan grabbed a last minute winner to steer them out of the relegation zone. Manchester City meanwhile can’t have any excuses for losing 2 – 0 to a scrappy Bolton side, as they really did not show up at the Reebok on Sunday. Maybe Robinho isn’t quite used to playing in freezing rain in front of 15,000 people quite yet.

The last couple of games then saw a couple of competitive draws between some potential relegation fodder. Blackburn left it late to equalise against West Brom, with former MK Dons man Keith Andrews marking his Premier League debut with a goal to thank Paul Ince for his leap of faith. Finally, Middlesbrough and West Ham shared the points in a pretty entertaining match that saw Boro keeper Ross Turnbull pull off a fantastic double save at the death to deny first Lee Bowyer and then Jack Collison.

Game of the Week – Tottenham vs Liverpool
Ok, the Man United game had the goals, and the Stoke game had the upset, but for sheer can’t-take-your-eyes-off-it drama, White Hart Lane was the place to be this weekend as the worm perhaps finally started to turn for Spurs. The title-chasing Liverpool took the lead after just three minutes through Dirk Kuyt, and looked to be cruising as the two teams traded midfield blows, until just before the 70-minute mark Jamie Carragher bizarrely headed into his own net. In the very last minute of the game then, with a draw looking a decent enough result for Tottenham, Russian prodigy Roman Pavlyuchenko turned home Darren Bent's cross to cap a wonderful victory, and send the home crowd into the stratosphere.

(Almost) Comeback of the Week – Hull
It’s rare that any team scores three at Old Trafford; in fact, the last side I remember doing it was Real Madrid the year they won the Champions League. Christ, I never thought I’d be comparing Hull to the Galacticos, but it’s been that kind of season so far hasn’t it? Anyway, at 4 – 1 down the Hull players would’ve been well within their rights to just crawl up in a corner and wait for it to end, but the belief Phil Brown has installed in them is admirable to say the least. Shock goals from Mendy and Geovanni set up an entertaining finish, but even in defeat this was far from a disgrace against the best team in Europe™.

Player of the Week – Rory Delap
Say what you want about Stoke and their tactics, but ultimately the history books will show that they beat Arsenal. What people have to understand is that, to survive, all teams must play to their strengths, and if you had a weapon like Delap’s throw in your locker then you’d be mad to not use it. To call him just a catapult does Delap a real disservice though, and anyone who watched the extended highlights over the weekend will realize that he, and Stoke as a whole, can actually play football too. On Saturday, he not only set-up both goals, but he was literally everywhere for 95 minutes, crowding the Arsenal midfield in possession and distributing the ball with class.

Here’s a nice and smug Stoke-compiled selection of Delap’s exploits this season to date then:



Goal of the Week – Ishmael Miller
Difficult one this weekend as no-one really scored anything outstanding, but for sheer individual skill the honour goes to West Brom forward Ishmael Miller for his side’s second against Blackburn. Gathering the ball on the edge of the box, he expertly turned his defender before smashing home a pin-point strike into the far corner past Paul Robinson.

Worst Goal of the Week – Seyi Olofinjana
We’re not trying to pick on Arsenal, but for sheer comedy, Stoke’s second is surely worthy of comment. Coming from (once again) one of those long-throws, Nigerian international Olofinjana seemed to sort of fall into Ryan Shawcross’ flick-on, half heading it and half chesting it through Almunia’s legs. As a wise man once said though: they all count.


Whinge of the Week – Arsene Wenger
Who else but the Emperor of Excuses, ‘Doctor’ Wenger. Rather than accept defeat and move on, he once again reeled out his usual barrel of finger-pointing and blinkered unacceptance. Unfortunately, it's exactly this level of ungracious whinging that turns everyone else in the country against Arsenal, despite the beauty of their passing football:

“Do you think Delap tried to play the ball when he tackled Walcott? Or that Shawcross tried to play the ball when he tackled Adebayor off the pitch?
“All I can say is they (Arsenal) are brave and, for me, you need to have more courage to play football when you know that someone is tackling you from behind without any intention to play the ball.

“If other teams are physical we can deal with that. We have just got to think of our own game and the way we play. If teams want to kick us we will deal with that and still come out on top. We will have to stick our foot in and tackle and then play our football when we have the ball.”

Stoke defender Andy Wilkinson offered this succinct rebuttal: “It’s probably sour grapes from Arsenal. If they can’t deal with the intimidating atmosphere and the way we play, that’s their problem, not ours.”

Accolade of the Week – Frank Lampard / Emile Heskey
These two chaps take a lot of stick, not just from STT but from the whole country if we’re honest. However, Frank Lampard and Emile Heskey both grabbed their 100th league career goals this weekend, and it is certainly a milestone for each worth celebrating.
Lampard did it with a header against Sunderland, which only confirmed his wonderful goal-scoring talents from midfield. Despite the mockery we dished out last season, it seems that this year Frank has remembered how to play, and has been instrumental alongside the magical Deco in Chelsea’s success, and also (whisper it) rising popularity.

Take nothing away from Heskey though, because he might not get 20 a season like some strikers, but he’s more than worth his place in virtually any team because of the work he does off the ball, the space he creates for other players. Just ask Michael Owen and Wayne Rooney.

Public Enemy No. 1

So finally we have a few interesting transfers to talk about. Yay! Robbie Keane going to Liverpool was perhaps unexpected, but I think a good bit of business for both clubs. With Torres, Keane could form a lethal partnership, offering the kind of interplay that people expected between the sublime Spaniard and Dirk Kuyt last year. For Spurs though, £19million is an incredible amount of money for a player in his late-20s, and if they secure the services of ace Russian pair Roman Pavlyuchenko and Andrei Arshavin, the former North London hero will probably not be missed.

Definitely joining Ramos’ reinvented Tottenham though is ex-Arsenal midfielder David Bentley, a man who appeared in most sports writers’ team of the season last year. Amusingly the press has warned him that he is “risking the wrath of all Gunners fans” (The Sun) by becoming just the fifth player to cross the divide to Tottenham. Have these reporters ever actually met an Arsenal fan? I hardly think some foreign businessman with a direct-debit lifetime debenture will either know where Tottenham is or ultimately give a shit, but hey ho. One of Bentley’s closest pals Rohan Ricketts, who also made the switch across the battlelines in 2002, said: “Of course, Arsenal fans won’t like it at all and I’m sure that when he goes back to the Emirates they’ll give him a really rough time. I remember when I first went back to Arsenal with Spurs. The fans booed me every time I touched the ball and I copped some really bad flak because the clubs are such rivals.” Well that’s a start I guess Arsenal fans; booing is the first step towards singing, and you never know, one day you might actually have an atmosphere at The New Library.

Ricketts continued: “But at the end of the day, the club didn’t want him so I’m sure he won’t care. Now he’s good enough to play for Arsenal but it’s their own fault for letting him go. It’s a great move for him because Spurs is a club with a bit more potential than Blackburn. They will be pushing for a Champions League spot, which is what a player like David Bentley needs.” Arsenal fans however are consoling themselves with a considerable chunk of change from the deal in the form of a sell-on clause, meaning they will pocket £7m of the fee from Blackburn. Some moron that Sky Sports dug out of the woodwork dropped this delightfully blinkered lie: “The truth is they have signed a bland player with no chance of improving and Tottenham have effectively paid for Aaron Ramsey. Thanks very much.” Just a note for Gunners fans here: it’s because of comments like this that everyone hates you.

Anyway, enough Arsenal-baiting. We thought it might be interesting at this time to give all you lovely people a little rundown of some of the other players over the years that have crossed the North London divide. History books at the ready folks…

The previous four guys who played for Arsenal before moving to Tottenham:

Jimmy Brain

Arsenal 1924-32 (Apps 232, Goals 139)
Tottenham 1931-35 (Apps 34, Goals 10)
Brain was a prolific striker throughout his career, and was Arsenal’s top scorer four seasons in a row, from 1924-25 to 1928-29. The highlight of this golden period was 39 goals in the 1925-26 season, which spectacularly included four hat tricks. Brain was the first Gunner to score 100 goals for the club, and still lies joint-fifth in the all-time Arsenal goal-scorers list.

Laurie Brown

Arsenal 1961-64 (Apps 109, Goals 2)
Tottenham 1964-66 (Apps 65, Goals 3)
Initially beginning his career as a centre-forward, Brown found his true calling as a central defender after signing for Arsenal from Northampton Town. He was a regular for two seasons at Arsenal before making the switch directly to Spurs and subsequently becoming a bit rubbish.

David Jenkins

Arsenal 1966-68 (Apps 25, Goals 9)
Tottenham 1968-70 (Apps 17, Goals 2)
Jenkins was a teenage prodigy who came up through the ranks at Highbury as a highly-promising striker before proving himself to actually be quite underwhelming, and ultimately moving to Spurs in exchange for Jimmy Robertson.

Rohan Ricketts

Arsenal 2001-02 (Apps 1, Goals 0)
Tottenham 2002-05 (Apps 36, Goals 2)
Ricketts came up through the youth ranks at Highbury, winning the FA Youth Cup alongside Bentley in 2000 and 2001, before moving to White Hart Lane in 2002. He has since proven himself to be really quite anonymous and now ‘stars’ over the pond for Toronto FC.

And the nine who played for Tottenham before moving to Arsenal:

George Hunt

Tottenham 1930-37 (Apps 198, Goals 137)
Arsenal 1937-38 (Apps 21, Goals 3)
Hunt was a ball-playing centre-forward whose exciting solo runs made him a popular player, but also attracted rough treatment from opposing defenders. As the first man to move from Spurs to Arsenal, Hunt failed to recapture his excellent form at Tottenham before the Second World War inconveniently got in the way.

Freddie Cox

Tottenham 1938-49 (Apps 105, Goals 18)
Arsenal 1949-53 (Apps 94, Goals 16)
Signed by Spurs at the age of just 18, Cox was a tricky right-winger who particularly excelled for the Gunners in the FA Cup, most notably scoring the winner against Chelsea in the 1949 Semi Final replay.

Vic Groves

Tottenham 1952-53 (Apps 4, Goals 3)
Arsenal 1955-64 (Apps 201, Goals 37)
Groves hailed from Leytonstone, close to my manor (sorry), and joined Arsenal as an inside-forward before switching to the position of wing-half. His career at Highbury was plagued by knee and back injuries but he captained the side for several years and formed a good attacking partnership with David Herd.

Jimmy Robertson

Tottenham 1964-68 (Apps 181, Goals 31)
Arsenal 1968-70 (Apps 59, Goals 8)
Robertson was a leggy Scottish winger who could operate on both flanks and moved to Highbury in a swap deal with David Jenkins in 1968. Despite some excellent form for Spurs, he quickly became a largely forgotten man at Arsenal, with then Arsenal boss Bertie Mee preferring George Armstrong on the right wing.

Steve Walford

Tottenham 1975-77 (Apps 1, Goals 1)
Arsenal 1977-81 (Apps 98, Goals 4)
A former England youth international, Walford was a tall central defender who pocketed an FA Cup Winners' medal with Arsenal in 1979. Interestingly he is a good pal of Martin O’Neill, and is the first-team coach at Aston Villa these days.

Willie Young

Tottenham 1975-77 (Apps 64, Goals 4)
Arsenal 1977-81 (Apps 237, Goals 19)
Willie was a uncompromising Scottish defender who played in three consecutive FA Cup Finals for Arsenal from 1978. Since retiring in 1984 he has owned a pub and also a greyhound kennels. Not sure why you’d want to know that but there it is.

Pat Jennings

Tottenham 1964-77 (Apps 590, Goals 0)
Arsenal 1977-85 (Apps 327, Goals 0)
A former Football Writers' Association and PFA Player of the Year, Jennings is widely regarded as one of the finest goalkeepers of all time, and is probably the most famous man to have played for both North London rivals. His international career spanned a miraculous 22 years, and in total he played over 1000 professional games, even bagging a goal in the 1967 Charity Shield.

Kevin Stead
Tottenham 1976-78 (Apps 14, Goals 0)
Arsenal 1978-79 (Apps 2, Goals 0)
Stead boasts the record of the fewest number of cumulative games for the two North London clubs, making 14 appearances for Tottenham before making the switch to play just two games for the Gunners. Er, that’s about all there is to say about him. He doesn’t even have a Wiki page, the poor guy.

Sol Campbell

Tottenham 1992-2001 (Apps 315, Goals 15)
Arsenal 2001- 2006 (Apps 197, Goals 11)
Campbell came up through the ranks at White Hart Lane before moving to Arsenal in 2001 and won two Premiership titles and two FA Cups in his time at Highbury. His return to Spurs for the first time was hostile to say the least, and to this date he is known as nothing but ‘Judas’ on the white side of North London.

Thank God Jens Isn’t Too Bitter

Because that was our main concern after watching Germany spectacularly fail in last night’s Euro 2008 final. It’s always pretty embarrassing if the first thing the losing team do is complain about trivialities and behave in a totally juvenile and ungracious manner. Oh but wait, wasn’t good old Jens Lehmann an Arsenal player for a good few years? Yes, you’re right, he was. That would explain this then:

“I spoke to the referee (Roberto Rosetti) and he was very arrogant…(he) was a catastrophe and sometimes I think it is fixed when I see such a referee, who is biased and not correct in his decisions. For example, a Spanish player head-butted our player and the referee saw it and the linesman saw it... (his) performance was very disappointing”

What a great attitude from an experienced international professional. So the referee and linesmen were crooked, and it’s all part of a global conspiracy against Germany right Jens? Yes, the force is strong with this one, Wenger has taught him well. These nuggets of offensive whinge were dropped not long after the match finished, in an interview screened in ITV’s highlights. In a similarly petulant and pathetic act, Lehmann then went on to say that he didn’t care if he was punished for his outburst as he wouldn’t be playing in the Euros again.

You don’t need me to tell you what a complete twat he is, but rejoice that he’s now finally taken the hint and buggered off back to Germany to play for Stuttgart. Good riddance, literally no-one in this country will miss you.

Hleb and Flow

Alexander Hleb is a real cock; he looks like a pre-pubescent girl, fights like a tranquilized kitten, and has now claimed his main reason for leaving Arsenal is that London is too noisy. Poor sensitive Alex doesn’t like our fine capitol because it’s full of buildings and people and cars, and there’s almost no chance for him to just go into the woods and make daisy chains with his sisters. Hleb tearfully told The Sun today: “I’m not a big city man, I need my retreat, that’s why I’m often in Germany. Stuttgart is my second home, my friends are there and it is where I feel most comfortable.” I’m sorry, but isn’t Stuttgart also quite a big city? Wikipedia helpfully informs me that the Stuttgart metropolitan region has a population of more than 3.5 million, so I imagine that it probably gets a bit loud every now and then at the weekends? If you miss your friends and can’t hack it in the Greatest League in the World™ then that’s fine, but don’t cook up some pathetic excuse about London being noisy! Alternative options for Hleb include moving down to leafy Surrey, piercing his own ear-drums, or just permanently playing the soothing sounds of S Club 7 on his iPod. His agent Nikolai Shpilevski confirmed: “Alex is tired of the noisy and chaotic life in London and feels like living in calmer surroundings.” Fine, whatever, fuck off then.

However, it might not be up to Hleb anymore with Arsene Wenger assuring the Belarus winger that he is definitely not leaving this summer. The Gunners boss vowed to take him to court if he tries to buy out his contract, or make him rot in the reserves to block a move. Wenger says no-one will follow Mathieu Flamini out of the door: “I am confident of keeping Hleb. Nobody goes. It’s that simple. It’s about what is good for the club.” I’m sorry but does this sound a bit like someone else that’s been in the newspaper quite a lot recently? It starts with stopping a player transferring to another club, and it ends with an underground crypt full of incestuous children. Wenger concluded quite sinisterly: “You can’t come in the next day and buy it out. You may have to go to court and can be banned if it’s not done right. It takes months.”

The Great Exodus

Say what you want about Arsenal, but supporting them has definitely not been boring over the last few years. Fans have seen history made with an undefeated season, the rug of Champions League success pulled from under them with less than ten minutes remaining, their talismanic captain finally leave, and a whole new generation of supreme youngsters populate the first team. At the start of the season, just two stalwarts from the so-called Invincibles of 2004 remained, such as been the dispersion since, but now Wenger has an even greater crisis on his hands.

For a big-4 club, three years without a trophy is unforgivable. The Arsenal faithful understandably demand more, it is them after all that fill the club’s coffers week in, week out. However, in a professional world where youth is becoming an increasingly vital commodity, players too are now getting restless, even in their early-20s. Recently we have seen the impressive Mathieu Flamini snub a contract extension at Arsenal in favour of a personally lucrative move to 2007 Champions League winners AC Milan. Now Milan are obviously an impressive historical force, but is the operative word ‘historical?’ Sure the starting 11 is pretty damn good, but for the second consecutive year the squad have failed to seriously challenge for a Serie A title, while limping out of the Champions League this year with little to show for themselves. One gets the feeling that this summer Flamini will not be the last addition to boost the fledging side, with re-invention vital for next season and beyond.

Now today the word on the street is that Alexander Hleb will buy out the final two years of his contract for £3million, and join Inter Milan in the summer. Hleb’s agent Nikolai Shpilevski revealed the Belarus midfielder gave Wenger the news face-to-face yesterday. Shpilevski said: “Alex is preparing to make one of the most important moves of his life. He is leaving even though Arsenal want to offer him a new long-term contract. Only time will tell if it is the right decision but there’s no way back now, everything will be settled in the next two weeks.” News of Jose Mourinho’s appointment at Inter earlier this year might have been premature, but regardless, Hleb joins a successful side celebrating back-to-back Serie A title wins.

The third piece of Wenger’s must-keep triumvirate is Cesc Fabregas, undoubtedly the jewel in the crown. Problem is that Cesc is also one of the most wanted properties in the football world, and with his two closest friends at Arsenal moving onto pastures new, one wonders if he isn’t starting to stare longingly elsewhere too. The most obvious moves would be to his native Spain, with Real Madrid and Barcelona ready to compete for his signature should any signs of discontent surface. After declarations in the press last summer of their intent to secure the Spanish midfielder, Real have once again confirmed this week that Cesc is their number one summer target, with an estimated 35m Euro price-tag not enough to put them off. As with Inter’s public broadcasting of their interest in Hleb, Wenger is furious over the “disrespect” shown by Real in announcing their desire to buy one of his players while still under contract. Laws exist against individual approaches, sure, but nothing’s ever going to actually get done about it.

The Emirates house of cards might rest on the three aforementioned stars, but there are certainly more players in the squad that Wenger will fight to keep hold of. Top of that pile is leading scorer Emmanuel Adebayor, who today also signaled his intent to leave in the summer unless Arsenal were prepared to break club policy and double his wages. As ever, the usual European suspects are interested (Real, Barce, the Milans etc) and as with the other players looking for a move, trophies and cash money will probably be Adebayor’s guiding stars. You lose those four key players though, and one wonders how the likes of Robin van Persie and Tomas Rosicky, to name just two, will be feeling. Also, imported youngsters such as Denilson, not to mention fringe teenage prodigies such as Fran Merida, might start getting cold feet and feel they’ve backed the wrong horse. Talent is one thing, but it takes regular contact with experienced professionals to convert that promise into on-field performances.

For perhaps the first time in history, you can’t help but actually feel a little sorry for good old Arsene. His intention to play beautiful passing football has always been admirable; however, as with Barcelona of late, that just isn’t always enough. Players get restless, and with agents whispering tales of silverware and wage increases in their ears, it’s understandable that some want out. Similarly his desire to pay small transfer fees for young players is refreshing in the world of Chelsea title-buying, with wage caps also keeping egos in check. Team-building is a phrase office-workers will dread, but that’s exactly what Wenger does; these things take time though, and patience is a virtue that doesn’t pay well.

Obviously much of this has been idol speculation, but one thing that is certain is that much of the dead-weight around Arsenal’s first-team squad must be moved on and replaced. Wenger might hate opening his directors’ wallet, but money has to be spent on established ability, especially in central defence and down the flanks. The likes of Philip Senderos and Emmanuel Eboue are simply not good enough for top-end Premier League challenges and Europe, while the promise in young players such as Theo Woolcott and Nikolas Bendtner has to come to regular frutition soon, or they should be cut loose and cashed-in on too.

For a season where they were supposed to finish fifth, this has been far from a disaster for Arsenal, but even still questions must be raised about Wenger’s approach to the major matches. A humiliating loss to arch-rivals Spurs in the Carling Cup will not be easily forgotten, nor will a similar demolition by Manchester United in the FA Cup. Injury problems will be pointed at, but surely that buck has to stop with Wenger and his reluctance to strengthen at Christmas. It goes without saying that sacking the manager isn’t the answer, but to be successful next year unfortunately some of his principles simply have to be compromised.

What's all this Aboot then?

It’s a pretty well known fact within football that if Alex Ferguson or Arsene Wenger let a player leave their club, there is probably something wrong with them, whether it’s a recurring injury or the fact that they’re just a complete prick. The one man in the last five years that breaks this rule however is David Bentley, and you can guarantee that Wenger wishes he still had Bentley’s services, after a couple of seasons now where he has been about 20 times more effective than all of Arsenal’s wide-men combined.

Anyway, today we have had a hot tip from our thoroughly trustworthy friends over at The Spoiler concerning the true story behind Bentley’s bizarre departure from Highbury two years ago:

“When Bentley was at Arsenal, he kept putting in transfer requests which were rejected. He went on loan at Norwich, came back, and the same thing happened again.

By the summer of 2005, he was completely fed up, so had some special boots made. On one was written ‘English and proud,’ and the other, ‘So I’m never picked.’

The next morning at training, he called Arsene Wenger over and showed him.“The next day he was moved on to Blackburn.”

Every single bone in my body hopes this is what happened, because it’s an absolutely perfect way to flip Wenger the bird. It’s a scientific fact that he was actually born without a sense of humour, and with the stroppy strictness of a mid-40s private-school Headmistress who hasn’t got laid in two decades, he played to form and pointed straight to the door. One can only imagine the size of the smile that brought to Bentley’s face.

Wenger's Weekly Email part 5

Dear all Arsenal fans,

I write to you today very upbeat, staring at the exciting dawn of a new era for the club, united as one under a banner of strength and efficiency. It is good to be finally relieved of the stress of this year as it has ultimately been pointless since the start in August when we were written off as outsiders. This was the year we were supposed to finish fifth, so I encourage you to condescendingly ask of all nay-sayers whether third is in fact higher or lower than fifth?

Is it is a crisis to supercede expectations? I thought not. Our third consecutive trophy-less season is in no way outside of my grand plans for the club, and if anything, everyone has played nicely into my hands. Suggestions that it might be a touch embarrassing to win less silverware than Spurs over the last three years should as ever be met with non-sequitur boasts, and failing that, outright insults should work fine.

I feel I must now address a couple of specific points to clarify exactly how our season has been categorically dismantled over the last week. Firstly then, those horrible people from Liverpool. I accepted a while back that we would never ever get any penalties (apart from a fortnight ago against Bolton) but it is frankly difficult to swallow that we were kicked out of Europe by a penalty ourselves. In an incident identical to those previously involving Alex and Cesc, another one of their cheating Dutchmen dived over Kolo’s leg and broke our hearts. Poor Philip was in tears and even William, who is normally so professional and together, lost the plot a little bit. The only explanation is a Europe-wide conspiracy involving the other Champions League teams and the officials to stop us from winning what is deservedly ours. They all are afraid of our clever one-touch football and reluctance to hit the target, so went out of their way to screw us over.

Talking of which, a similar injustice befell us this past weekend when we seemed set to rejoin the Premier League title race, even though I said from the outset that we were not genuine contenders. Manny’s goal was great wasn’t it? I saw Maradona do that once, and he was really really good, so I congratulated Manny for being such an excellent striker. Again, suggestions that he won’t ever score again after this season, and couldn’t actually hit sand from a camel, should be sneered at. So then the ref gave another penalty against us (big surprise), for what though I do not know. One of those teasing Portuguese rent-boys that they have up in Manchester scored, and just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, they did some more cheating to win a free-kick. Poor Jens hasn’t been too sharp lately, and was a bit confused as to what was happening. The ref told him that the free-kick was going to be taken, but he thought he meant that it had been taken already, so was thoroughly confused when that weird little German boy chipped the ball into the net and went to celebrate. It was subterfuge of the lowest order.

But as I said before, onwards and upwards. Liverpool and Manchester United are physically incapable of out-playing us, or simply wanting the victory more, so I still see no cause to be gracious in defeat. There are many positives to take out of this season all over the pitch though, with the defence in particular worthy of uniform praise. We have been united throughout, and not conceded a single soft goal in my eyes. Some people asked me whether Philip, Alex Song and Manny Eboue were mentally deficient, but I think that question’s been answered hasn’t it! They are such great boys. The true revelations though have been Theo Woolcott, who is quite possibly the best English player ever (but not good enough to start in my team obviously), and Alexander Hleb, who is truly the reincarnation of George Best. Now I’m not sure exactly who Best was, nor are any of you I assume, but the comparison sounds nice so just keep saying it anyway.

Finally then I leave you with my favourite quote of my own this year, and if you’re looking to get anything smug printed on an Arsenal-related t-shirt in the summer, go with this: “I feel we have done a lot for the Premier League this season by the way we have promoted it.” You see, success was never on the agenda, it was all for the good of football in general; if it wasn’t for us, everyone would just hoof the ball forward and play off a big striker.

Until next season, when trophies will come.

In you I remain,

A.W.

The Watford Gap Divide

Everyone who isn’t an Arsenal fan hates Arsenal fans, and the sooner they just accept that and keep to themselves, the better. For an example of why this is the case, look no further than last week’s Champions League tie with Liverpool. It has come to light that an under-15 junior side from Skelmersdale (on Merseyside), who won tickets to the game in a UEFA competition, were verbally abused throughout the game’s opening exchanges for being Scousers, and then subsequently thrown out of the stadium altogether when they celebrated Dirk Kuyt’s equaliser.

All the blame however shouldn’t be directed solely at Arsenal however, because at the end of the day, how moronic was it of UEFA to award Liverpool fans with tickets in an Arsenal area of the ground? Hopefully someone got fired for that cock-up. This isn’t exactly an excuse for the treatment they received though, as the bemused lads, sporting plush UEFA tracksuits, continued to receive insults from Gunners fans as they wandered around outside the stadium looking for somewhere to catch the rest of the game.

We received these words from Ray Radford, the quite geniusly-named manager and chaperone of the Arriva Youth side:

We were having a great day until Liverpool scored. We were seated smack bang in the lion’s den and were abused by grown men - men in suits. These weren’t louts. They started shouting at the lads as soon as they realised we were Scousers. After we’d celebrated Kuyt’s goal, we were spoken to by the stewards and told to leave the ground. Even though I explained to him that the lads were guests of UEFA, because of the competition win, they still chucked us out.”

A dark day for Arsenal fans then. Maybe if they concentrated more on actually supporting their team, instead of taking the piss out of kids for talking differently, the Emirates wouldn’t be so much of a library. But UEFA too must be ashamed of themselves, offering little in the way of support or compensation to the lads when Radford finally got hold of their representative at the Emirates, a guy called Simon Calder:

“He apologised for what had happened saying it was 'unacceptable, appalling and totally unprofessional,’” Radford told the local Liverpuddlian press, “but he said that Arsenal were not going to allow us back in the ground. We were eventually granted access back to our mini-bus but were not allowed to leave the ground until 11pm. By this stage the lads were very anxious, quiet and very, very scared.”

Thanks to the journalistic godzilla that is the Skelmersdale Advertiser for the nuts and bolts of this story, and as ever The Spoiler for the heads up.

Arsene Wenger's Weekly Email Part 4 - This Time it's Official!

Dear Supporter,

We drew at Wigan on Sunday and I was asked about the state of the pitch after the game. Of course I would have preferred a better pitch because, frankly, it was a disaster.

The excuse is that Wigan have a rugby team who play on the pitch but having a surface like that is disrespectful for the fans who come and pay money to see the game.

Having said that, Wigan fought very well against us and I don't want to take anything away from their performance.

It was a difficult game for us and we were focused. We prepared ourselves mentally to face a difficult pitch and we still had the chances to win the game. Overall we did what we could and gave everything. We had a serious defensive game and we did not give any chances away.

Unfortunately, as long as we did not score the first goal Wigan did not come out. They jumped off their seats with 0-0 at 90 minutes because they were happy with a point.

Of course it is an anti-climax when you go from Milan to Wigan but we prepared for that. It is normal because there's the glamour of a Champions League game when you play against one of the biggest sides in the world. Then five days later you play against a team who fights not to go down. It is normal.

I don't think that is offending Wigan. It is just the normal life of a team who are going for the Champions League and the Premier League. We have to deal with that, it is not an excuse. We did what we could. We just lacked the spark in the final third, Wigan defended well and Chris Kirkland did the rest.

Thanks for your support.

A.W.

Arsene Wenger's Weekly Email Part 3

Following this weekend’s action, I imagine some of you were hoping that we might be able to offer you another look at Arsene Wenger’s weekly e-mail to worldwide Gunners. Well, dear reader, count yourselves lucky because below we can offer you the third of these exclusives…this time however, at a cost. You might recall that in order to obtain the last installment, following the 5 – 1 Carling Cup defeat to Spurs, our man on the inside at the Emirates had to extract himself fully from a long-running and complex programme of subterfuge. Unfortunately, and unbeknownst to us, it was already too late and the die had been cast.

Yesterday, while delivering the below message to STT staff on top of a multistory car-park in Woking, our spy was tragically shot by a man posing as a car-park attendant, who subsequently escaped capture from STT’s security firm by base-jumping into the open top of a moving Ferrari 360 Spider traveling on the road below. We were too late to get a look at the driver, but did manage to take the photo shown underneath, so if anyone has any ideas who the perpetrator might be, please contact us at the usual address and we will go to the police…

Dear all Arsenal fans,

First things first, I was under the impression that this weekend’s clash was supposed to be a football match and not in fact water polo! I have never seen such appalling conditions, and cannot believe the officials allowed the game to kick-off with my players all standing in ankle-deep water! I therefore won’t acknowledge this as a proper victory for them, and as usual, there is absolutely no cause to be gracious in defeat by admitting they were the better team.

Due to a malicious campaign of intimidation and food-poisoning over the past few weeks, we were forced to field a seriously sub-par team featuring only 9 established internationals and even an Englishman! We clearly had no chance with Justin in the side, but to make matters worse, Kolo and Manny Eboue were still really tired from their last African Cup of Nations game over a week ago. To address the red card issue, you can clearly see Manny jumping up to head the ball, but actually falling sleep mid-air, that’s how tired he actually was the poor lad. If Patrice Evra wasn’t so small there probably wouldn’t have been a problem at all, but the tiny cheat ducked his head into Manny’s leg and went down theatrically to give the ref no choice but to placate the morons in the crowd.

I wish to now channel some of my hatred for that horrible little street rat that looks like Michael Jackson used to; yes, Nani. What’s with that anyway, Nani isn’t even a name! He was so mean and disrespectful and kept teasing our players! That was very unpleasant and he deserved to be sawn off at the knees by Matthieu. We definitely kept our discipline and were not humiliated by his tricks. I hate people who mercilessly taunt their rivals when victory is secure and certainly never took any pleasure in when that turncoat He-Wh0-Shall-Not-Be-Named did it in years past. I hate flair and never want to see any level of entertainment for the fans in this country again. I bought Justin and Gilberto a large milkshake each for trying to stop it, and took William out for pizza after he kicked Nani as hard as he could when the ball was 20 metres away. That’s professionalism and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

At the end of the day, the FA Cup is rubbish anyway, and we still have the Champions League and the Premier League to win, so it isn’t a priority, despite telling everyone all year that we take the competition seriously. The best reaction to baiting Man United fans is to simply ask them who’s top of the league, and as they try to answer, simply goad them by saying things like “can you not remember?” and “shall we go have a look in a newspaper?” etc. If they ask what that has to do with it, simply blow them a raspberry and walk off.

I end then once more with a few suggested rebuttals should you face another week of abuse from ignorant and uncultured opposition fans. I for one have always rated Darren Fletcher very very highly, but others around the country see him as somewhat of a joke player, used only when Alex Ferguson has literally no alternative. His brace was therefore typical of the talent I know he possesses, and if anything, he was the only Manchester player who I think is worthy of scoring against us.

Some people might also point to the fact that Tevez wasn’t required to come on, and Hargreaves, Giggs and Ronaldo weren’t even in their squad. However, I struggle to think of 4 more over-rated players, and in reality, their team selection including Park, Carrick and that horrible tease Nani was actually their strongest possible. We will have our revenge in a couple of weeks time in the league when they are additionally burdened by having to add these supposedly world-class talents to the team. Finally, to anyone who abhors the behaviour of Manny Adebayor, ask them to take another look at the slow motion video footage. At the moment where he supposedly ‘dived’, if you freeze-frame it at just the right time, you can see a small otter leap out of the water on the pitch and horrifically trip him up, causing the fall. He is thankfully ok now but was so scarred by the incident he had to sleep on Saturday with a nightlight on.

Until next time.

I remain faithfully,

A.W.

Arsene Wenger's Weekly Email Part 2

Some of you who have been here since Day One might well remember a little feature we ran way back in August, offering an exclusive look into the propaganda campaign orchestrated by Arsene Wenger to put words into the mouths of all Arsenal fans around the world. Well,after almost 6 months undercover within the organization, our sleeper agent has finally returned from the Emarites with yet another installment which we can exclusively print once again for your benefit. Arsene has hinted at the contents of his weekly Email in his interview with both the BBC and Sky. Please understand that we are not Spurs fans, nor Arsenal haters, and just post what we receive without any editorial bias…

Dear all Arsenal fans,

I wish to let you in on a secret. I have long felt sorry for Tottenham Hotspur, languishing as they do in our North London totalitarian shadow, and thought that after 21 consecutive victories, it was time we ‘threw them a bone,’ to use your common English vernacular. That’s right, we lost on purpose, but only this once and in the most pointless of all competitions. I am telling you all this to ensure that no cracks appear in the armour, and to instill strength in this perceived time of need, as rumours of a crisis at the Emirates ring around the press. This is of course absurd, and you must meet any accusations of this with steely glares and passive aggression, such as leaving offensive notes around the accuser’s house and hiding his wife’s clothes.

Perhaps the most crucial point I wish to impart to you here is to not however, under any circumstances, be gracious in defeat. If anyone is to say that we outplayed, the obvious response is that we still created the better chances and Spurs were simply lucky. Five times. The passing and movement of our attacking players was mesmerizing, and as Manny showed with his late wondergoal, if we wanted to score, we could at any moment.

If this fails to convince anyone, the next line to fall back on is that we fielded a ‘B’ team, despite telling everyone all year that they were all good enough to play in the ‘A’ team. The likes of Gallas, Fabregas, Hleb, Bendtner and Walcott were all told to operate at 20% of their actual ability, as to play any better would have undermined my intent to throw the game. Good old Nikolas (bless him) even went one step further scoring Spurs a goal to keep their confidence up! He is a true professional.

It was in fact this incident that led to Manny’s enthusiastic, not to mention affectionate, congratulations of Nikolas that so many people seem to have mis-interpretated as fighting. They squared up to each other only to hug, and the so-called blood that some might have seen coming from Nikolas’ face was in fact strawberry syrup that Manny had smuggled onto the field, knowing how fond his young Danish friend is of the sweet condiment. They are such lovely boys off the field.

At the end of the day, the Carling Cup is rubbish anyway, and we still have the Champions League, the FA Cup and the Premier League to win. The best reaction to baiting Spurs fans is to simply ask them when the last time they were in the Champions League, and as they try to remember, goad them by saying things like “before your time was it?” and “your grandfather might know” etc. If they ask what that has to do with anything, simply ignore them and walk off.

Finally, a couple of other suggested responses. We were categorically NOT thrown off our game by playing in a stadium with actual crowd noise. Again, such a suggestion is crazy. “If anything, White Hart Lane was too quiet compared to the deafening cauldron of the Emarites,” is a glib rebuttal I suggest. Also, if asked about the number of fans who appeared to be leaving after an hour, I am reliably informed that they were all either rushing off because their wife was going into labour, or hurrying downstairs to the refreshment area where free beer was being distributed by page 3 models having an impromptu wet t-shirt competition.

Until next week.

I remain truly,

A.W.