Mascot of the Week 7

Names – Bubbles and Herbie

Affiliation – West Ham United F.C.

Animal – Bubbles is apparently a bear (although looks more like a Japanese Manga-style cat) and Herbie is not actually an animal but rather a Hammer

Colour – Brown and Gun-Metal Grey respectively

Combined Level of Ridiculousness – 9 (they hug each other a lot…kind of a mixed message to kids)

Most common missile pelted with – Sharpened Danny Dyer DVDs

Distraction(from the hot Hammerettes dancing-girls at half time) Rating –10

For this week’s fantabulous Mascot feature, we have decided to focus on an interesting double act currently running riot in East London. Herbie the Hammer was introduced way back towards the club’s inception, presumably as a homage to West Ham’s history of originally being the Thames Ironworks company football team. Around the turn of the recent millenium, he was then joined by child-friendly ‘cuddle-monster’ Bubbles the Bear to form an unlikely duo, but one which has proved to be mildly popular with the home support.

Seen by some as a thinly-veiled reference to the I.C.F. hooligans’ weapon of choice, Herbie the Hammer has recently been at the centre of great controversy himself, culminating a vicious war of words with underwhelming ex-kids TV show wierdo Timmy Mallet. Herbie struck intellectual gold when he came up with the idea of seeing small foam versions of himself in the club shop, as something provocative for supporters to wave at the opposition, but the struggling Mallet prevented the club from following through after he claimed the toys bore too much of a resemblance to his own copyrighted ‘Pinky Punky’ toy. While preparing for yet another depressing Christmas spent doing cheap pantomime in Woking, Mallet offered the following comments: "Pinky Punky is a groovy hammer and that is part of my name. He is my trademark and he is what I do. It is important when you have something that is part of your life and livelihood, that you look after it." I couldn’t agree more Timmy, especially when you appear to be actually dating that special “part of your life.” It is on his left hand after all…

Bubbles was introduced as an antidote to the spiky Herbie, bizarrely drawing more interest from the club’s young fanbase than an oversized DIY tool. However, Bubbles too is plagued by his own inner demons. Kidnapped from the wild simply to fit in with the home support’s “I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles” anthem, Bubbles had always dreamed of becoming dramatic actor, even getting a final audition for a part in Pixar’s 1999 movie ‘Toy Story 2.’ The dream was cut short by vicious poachers in Wisconsin however, and now Bubbles is forced to live in a basement at Upton Park, fed only caterpillars, and released into daylight only every other weekend on match day. It truly is a modern tragedy; word on the street was that he was going to be the next Hamm the Piggy Bank.

Giant Killings (sort of) and More Woe for Martin Cornelius Jol

More like normal-sized-person killings by midgets, but still, let’s not take anything away from those teams through to the second round of the Carling Cup. Now a lot of people may think this is somewhat of a darts trophy, and many Championship sides are more than happy to lose as early as possible to ‘concentrate on the league,’ but a win is a win. It also underlines my long-held belief that there really is very little difference in individual quality between the teams populating the three leagues outside of the Premier.
So here are the upsets, everything else went to form with the higher league team advancing:

Peterborough 2 – 1 Southampton
Leyton Orient 2 – 1 Queens Park Rangers
Morecombe 2 – 1 Preston North End
Bristol Rovers 1 – 1 Crystal Palace (Rovers won 4 – 1 on pens)
MK Dons 3 – 3 Ipswich Town (Dons won 5 – 3 on pens)
Rochdale 2 – 2 Stoke City (Rochdale won 4 – 2 on pens)

Big up to everyone involved at Peterborough, Orient, Morecombe, Bristol Rovers, MK Dons and Rochdale.

Also taking place last night was the first Premier League match of Gameweek 2 (check back tomorrow for full report) but since there is actually quite a bit to be said about it, I thought I would take the chance now to go into Tottenham Hotspur vs. Everton in a little more depth. It also gives us the chance to post these incredible photos of Spurs’ pre-season campaign in Orlando where apparently Timmy Mallet was sick over half the squad.


Are 2 losses enough for a manager to be under-pressure? Well, when expectation was as high as it was at Spurs going into this season, I think so. I mean there’s no chance of them sacking Martin Jol anytime soon, but the resounding boos and half empty stadium that greeted the Spurs team after a convincing 1 – 3 defeat will certainly be enough to get everyone thinking.
In a cracking first half, played in appalling conditions, both teams were enterprising and energetic, with many chances at both ends. However, after conceding a third goal just before half time, Spurs came out after the break totally toothless and Everton never looked in trouble, creating chance after chance themselves. Particular praise must go to front four of Everton (A.J., newcomer Anichebe, Osman and the fantastically under-rated Arteta), attacking with great pace and intent even to final whistle.

Spurs though were frustrating as ever, with their four hyped strikers mis-firing once again in a performance that lacked confidence and composure. That huge price tag round Darren Bent’s neck must be starting to feel heavier and heavier with every game, as despite a bright start, he faded into insignificance before being replaced by Defoe on the hour. So where now for Spurs? Yes its still early days, but already there are murmurs of discontent around the Lane. Do they maybe have too many attacking options?

Finally, in other news Rangers scrapped through the first leg of their Champions League qualifier against a team that I can nowhere near pronounce let alone spell (to quote modern-day prophet Dave Lister, it sounds “like a footballer clearing his nose”) last night, with a last gasp winner from substitute (and owner of one of the best names ever) Nacho Novo.