Not a Nice Man

A week or so back we posted a few comments from Sunderland keeper Craig Gordon describing how the Black Cats players enjoy the chance to kick Roy Keane when he gets involved in 5-a-side. They might’ve thought Keano was a hard coach, but even the great leg-breaker has nothing on this fearsome chap. He is in fact our number one football bastard, a man who was quite literally a lawless, inhumane tyrant.

Yes, Uday Hussein was Saddam’s son, but his official title was Head of the Iraqi Olympic Committee, meaning that he oversaw all sports development in the country for a good few years, distributing what he saw as reasonable punishment to athletes whenever their performances failed to meet his somewhat lofty expectations. According to widespread reports, he had a team of torturers who beat and caned the soles of footballers’ feet with electrical cable while they did press-ups. Sitting up in the stands, Uday reportedly kept scorecards with written instructions on how many times each player should be lashed after a poor performance. All of sudden Frank Lampard’s decision to turn down an offer to switch allegiance to Iraq becomes all the clearer.

One defector further reports that jailed soccer players were forced to repeatedly just kick a concrete ball after failing to reach the 1994 World Cup finals, while another claims that underwhelming forwards who failed to score were dragged through a gravel pit and subsequently immersed in, ahem, bodily fluids to infect their wounds! Iraq's captain at the time, Habib Jaffar, has recently described an additional bizarre punishment: he said that he was once made to climb a 20-foot ladder and leap into a vat of sewage over and over again in front of Hussein; now bear in mind that’s after he’d already been imprisoned and had the feet-whipping thing. If all that provided insufficient motivation for the players, Hussein also was known to give obscenely threat-laden half-time team talks through a speaker phone wired into the dressing room. Can you imagine that? You’re a goal down but on the offensive, getting fired up before the second-half, when all of a sudden a disembodied voice just booms out:“if you don’t win this game I will burn your children alive in front of you.” Not ideal.

For completeness’ sake then, other non-football-related allegations leveled at Hussein during his time in office include:

• The regular kidnapping and raping of young Iraqi girls, often in front of their husbands before killing them both

• Pretty selfish stock-piling in an era of widespread privation. When troops captured his mansion in Baghdad, they genuinely found a personal zoo (stocked to the brim with lions and cheetahs), an underground garage full of more than a thousand luxury cars, paintings glorifying him and his mother with Saddam, Cuban cigars inscribed with his name, and finally millions of dollars worth of fine wines, imported liquor and heroin

• The use of an iron maiden on persons who irritated him just for his own personal amusement i.e. he’d lock them in a cabinet and cut them, not just play them noisy 80s rock

• Actually driving a pink Rolls-Royce

You’ll be pleased to hear that Hussein was (perhaps justly) murdered horribly a few years ago when futuristic US helicopters and 200 ultra-hard Marines raided his palace armed with rocket launchers and 50-cal machine guns. To be fair to him though, the standard of the Iraq national team has dropped significantly since he stopped keeping them in jail infected with hepatitis…

Get Your Own Back

It goes without saying that everyone at some time or another has wanted to inflict some serious pain on their boss. Even if my boss was, say, that girl on the internet that can swallow a cucumber whole, I reckon ultimately I would still get pretty annoyed with it all and just want to be left alone. Imagine then if your boss was Roy Keane, one of the most fearsome, aggressive and hard-to-please men in the business, not to mention an Irishman. He demands 100% effort all the time, hates losing, and certainly does not accept tame excuses about missing trains or being hungover. In other words, he’s the antithesis of a perfect boss.

However, when he joins in with training at Sunderland, he’s apparently fair game on the 5-a-side pitch. Craig Gordon told The Daily Mirror today how the Black Cats relish getting stuck into their manager on the odd occasion he takes part in the kickabouts, knowing that he wouldn’t dare risk retaliating and injuring one of his own players. It is their brief moment in the sun, before being screamed back into the underground incestuous dungeon that is the dressing room for the rest of eternity. Well, the rest of that week anyway.

Gordon candidly revealed the truth behind the curtain: “Most of the time the manager tends to stand back and watch training, but now and again he takes part in the five-a-sides. He tackles, and people put tackles in on him because they see it as a chance to kick the manager - and you don't get that chance very often!” He innocently continued: “It's a game of football and if the ball is there to be won, you go for it, no matter who you're tackling. I'm sure the manager would not expect anything else from the players.”

Keane has reportedly spent the summer picking up coaching tips from the New Zealand All Blacks rugby team so expect Sunderland to be a fiercer proposition next season as they look to build on their impressive first season back in the big time. Also don’t be surprised if he comes back with a facial tattoo, and opens each game with what appears to be an epileptic fit directed menacingly at the opposition.

Buy a Muddyfunstering Watch, You Cretin

Ok so apart from actually playing football, let’s have a look at what else is expected of a professional player on a daily basis. They must ideally be wearing clothes and be where they’re told to be on time, that’s literally it. Complex I know, but apparently some chaps up in Sunderland have real difficulty with the latter. This season, manager Roy Keane has had to drop no fewer than five players from the first-team as a result of lateness, even transfer-listing Liam Miller due to continued transgressions of Keane’s law.

This weekend Kieran Richardson became the latest player to join the illustrious crowd of Anthony Stokes, Tobias Hysen, Miller and Marton Fulop, and was denied the chance to play against his formative club Arsenal. “During the week, I was late for training due to my train being late,” Richardson articulately described. “That's why I was left out against Arsenal. I expect that of the manager, if you're not in on time, you don't get in the squad.” I think we can all respect Keane’s principles, but let’s face it, of that list of five players you’re not exactly gonna miss any of them are you?

Cynics amongst you will probably suggest that if Kieran perhaps actually lived in Sunderland, rather than commuting from London most days just so he can get his Chinawhite fix in the evenings, then he might stand more of a chance of getting to training on time. That would be a valid point without question, but if you can either live it up in Sunderland at night or chillax with dudes as street as Jermain Defoe, what would you do? Trust me, once you’ve watched Defoe date-rape an aspiring page-3 model in time with the latest Dizzee Rascal single you just can’t go back. His cousin Charley Uchea is also ever so demanding, and reportedly if he isn’t around to get her into London clubs six days a week then she just screams non-stop until either he relents or the rest of the world takes its own life in protest. Whichever comes first.

F*** OFF REF YOU W*** COVERED C*** HOLE

STT was pleased to learn that this week The FA have decided that maybe next season they might possibly try and finally actually do something about referee and linesman intimidation by inaugurating a new law prohibiting anyone except the team’s captain from speaking to the officials. Excuse while I now mount my high horse for a touch of objective preaching.

Perhaps the main reason the casual observer is put off watching football is the unbelievable contempt shown by players towards the referee and his assistants. The number of times on TV you will see players screaming obscenities into these guys’ faces is pretty disgraceful, and it’s something which has to change soon. Although STT would never condone actually watching rugby, if an egg-chasing referee has something to say, the players are quiet, listen and absolutely will not talk back.

Quite why this is, I’m not sure, however it would not take long for footballers to learn if, every time they swore at an official they were immediately disciplined on the field and then subsequently reprimanded by the club. Drastic no diggidy, but this is an ugly part of the game that simply has to be addressed, especially since no decision has ever been overturned, and there is no bonus for elaborate insults as in comedy movie ‘classic’ BASEketball.

It is a notion that is clearly achievable as well; under Brian Clough, his incredibly successful Nottingham Forest team of the 1970s were instructed to never disrespect the game’s officials, and Clough himself was the one to discipline them if they did. Former Premier League referee Graham Poll has remarked that he's pleased the former Cloughie players have taken this principle of good discipline into their management careers. Poll told The Daily Fascist last year that the nicest manager he had to deal with was Stuart Pearce, and adds that Roy Keane has shown “great restraint and respect” when dealing with match officials as Sunderland boss. He continued: “Brian Clough's players were known for their discipline and their respect for referees at Nottingham Forest. Their manager demanded it, and two European Cups and a League title are proof that it didn't exactly damage their results.” Those who played under Clough, such as the aforementioned Pearce and Keane, as well as Villa manager Martin O'Neill, seem to have continued that trait. On the other hand, managers coached by Ferguson during United's mid-90s referee haranguing days have proved to be much less respectful towards officials and this attitude has led to fines for both Steve Bruce and Mark Hughes.

Taking this whole thing a step further still, if the captain were to act as a sole liaison with the game’s officials, it would allow them to more fully explain their decisions, while essenitally leaving it up to the captain to convey the message and manage his team’s behaviour on the field.

Ok back down to earth now, and ranting aside, no-one can deny that this would not be a huge improvement to the game. Interestingly, both these above two ideas have recently been adopted by Barnet F.C. of all clubs, where the entire playing staff have been asked to sign a binding ‘Code of Conduct’ agreement with the club to ensure that only their captain speaks to the referee and no intimidation of officials takes place. This a great step in the right direction, but whether other teams will follow their example is yet to be seen. As the overwhelming ratio of Chelsea-related incidents interspersed here show, Avram Grant, I’m looking at you…

Gameweek 14 – ‘I’m Busy Next Summer Anyway’

Happy Monday then everyone, and back down to business after the inconvenience of the international break. Shock of the weekend was obviously Manchester United’s loss, and a performance that seemed unusually subdued, creating very little against a determined and physical Bolton side. Second biggest shock was that Steven Gerrard hasn’t actually forgotten how to kick a football, and played almost well against a Newcastle team that were frankly terrible over Saturday lunchtime. Elsewhere, Arsenal, Chelsea, Portsmouth, Villa and Everton continued their excellent form of late, comprehensively winning each of their respective matches.

Sunday’s action saw as woeful a performance as we’ve come to expect from “England international” Jermaine Defoe, as he humiliated himself once again against his old club by having his last minute penalty saved by Rob Green, which would’ve handed Spurs a vital 3 points. Perhaps unexpectedly, one of the games of the weekend also took place yesterday at Craven Cottage, where Fulham ended up sharing the points with Blackburn, having twice taken the lead in an end-to-end thriller in West London.

Finally, a quick R.I.P. to Billy Davies who was unfortunately let go this morning from Derby. He did his best, and let’s face it, I doubt even Mourinho could come in and save them from the drop…

Premier League Team of the Week (based on OPTA stats, Fantasypremierleague.com ratings and my own expert eye):

Keeper – David James (another clean sheet from the old Pro, once again underlining the ridiculousness of not playing him for England)

Defence – Steven Warnock (superb wingback play throughout, topped off with a vital goal), Willem Gallas (inspirational performance as ever from the Arsenal skipper), Olaf Mellberg (solid in defence and marauding in attack), Noe Pamarot (not for the first time this season, the pick of the excellent Pompey backline)

Midfield – Steven Gerrard (why can’t he do this in a white shirt?), Tim Cahill (cracking form from the chilled out Aussie), David Bentley (superb once again for Mark Hughes’ side)

Up Top – Kevin Davies (did what he dirtily does best and was instrumental in Bolton’s defeat of Man U), Yakubu Aiyegbeni (great work-rate in an all round perfect team display), Carlton Cole (gets so much stick, but was as good as I’ve ever seen him against Spurs)

Weekly Awards:

Goal of the Week – Everyone favourite Croatian Niko Kranjčar for his top corner missile to put Pompey out of sight at St Andrew’s. Notable mention to Steven Ireland for his match-winning volley at the City of Manchester stadium as well though.

Meg of the Week – Mr Berbatov’s nails Ethrington good with a Cruyff-turn back through the Hammer’s legs

Save of the Week – Jussi Jääskeläinen continues his excellent run of form with several crucial saves to keep Man United out, the pick of the bunch being a stretched claw to keep out Owen Hargreaves’ dipping freekick.

Skill of the Week – Most of Mikel Arteta’s performance really…megs, backheels, flicks, stepovers, no-look passes. He really has an expansive locker. What ever happened about getting him an English passport then?

Gypsy Curse of the Week – Fernando Torres did literally everything but score on Saturday at St James,’ slotting uncharacteristically wide on several occasions. Call me a hater, but whenever I think of gypsy curses, Jose Antonio Reyes just pops into my head for some reason.

Miss of the Week – Plenty to chose from actually, with Carlos Tevez certainly in the running. Has to go to Michael Chopra though who missed an open goal which would’ve brought the Black Cats back to just 2 – 4 down.

Nearest Lampard came to Contributing…er, of the Week – Shinned a shot into the post. Was incredible on Wednesday though so poor Frank was probably still a bit tired from all that running about avoiding the ball.

Gaffe of the Week – Unlucky Richard Kingson on his debut dives over Sulley Muntari’s tame shot to let Pompey take an early lead.

Day-Off of the Week – Pepe Reina. 90 minutes, no saves.

Justice of the Week – Without doubt Rob Green saving Jermaine Defoe’s peno (his third of the season already) at Upton Park after it was awarded for no contact at all. Why Defoe looks so smug the whole time I do not know.

Flirt of the Week – Patrice Evra and Kevin Davies sure would make a cute couple…

ASBO of the Week – Toss up between Stephen Hunt, for a horrific thigh-high tackle on Fernandes that only drew a yellow card, and professional bruiser Michael Essien for literally just punching Kenny Miller in the face.

The-place-I’d-least-like-to-be of the Week – Just generally anywhere within about 50 metes of Roy Keane.

Whinge of the Week – Carlos Queiroz resurrects the old “intimidation tactics” argument against Bolton, claiming that Man United couldn’t play without the “referee’s protection.”

Quote of the Week – Andy Gray proves just how astute he can be some times : “Well I can only assume they’re all booing (Steven Gerrard) out of respect.” Either that or they just think he’s a over-rated prick who shites it in the big games Andy, that tends to be what it usually means.

Banter of the Week – Steve Coppell waxes lyrical about speculation that he’s interested in the England job : “Yeah the press keep misspelling my name, putting an ‘o’ on the end of it.”

Hero of the Week – Sven Goran Eriksson, for having his coaching credentials completely vindicated by Man City’s continued success. Surely he could not be feeling any happier at the moment?

Zero(s) of the Week – The entire England squad and management. Glad to see most of them being booed, even those not actually playing midweek, during the weekend’s action, but does anyone seriously expect that to actually register with any of them?

Personal Highlight of the Week – This cheeky chappy appearing at Goodison Park at half time. Rumours that Roy Keane tried to find a kit and get him on for the second half have yet to be denied:

In all seriousness though, STT does firmly support the cause in raising awareness of testicular cancer, and thoroughly encourages all men out there to inspect themselves as often as possible. However, can you please stop sending us pictures of the process? We don’t care if our WAG specials “helped.” You know who you are. Until next week, we Audi 5000