People hurting themselves is always funny, but when serious injuries occur from show-boating, the old funny bone really gets massaged into climax. Add the astronomical ego of a footballer and public humiliation in front of 30,000 slack-jawed Americans into the mix and you really are looking a potential side-splitting action. Hats off to Fabian Espindola then, an Argentinian-born striker for huge MLS outfit RealSaltLake, for celebrating a goal with a trademark back-flip and actually breaking his leg on landing. Things got worse for Espindola however when he hobbled back onto his feet to see the linesman’s flag up, disallowing the goal for offside! Oh dear.
“I'm embarrassed,” said an understating Espindola, who has reportedly celebrated goals with a flip since his days as a youth player back home. “I'm never going to do that again. I don't know what happened. I've done it a million times. If I would have known I never would have done it,” he uttered with such idiocy, as if to confirm that yes, he was in fact a footballer. To further brilliantly salt his wounds, opposition midfielder Bryan Jordan duly celebrated his equaliser in the dying minutes with a somersault of his own, flipping the bird to Espindola by successfully not breaking any part of his anatomy. Watch the highlights of the match here and see how Espindola's face go from joy, to disappointment, to calcium crunching pain.
A recent spatter of bizarre red cards throughout all the English leagues have shown once again the need for video replays and a removed fifth official to help advise the on-pitch referees and their assistants. The last ten days or so have seen one of the most horrific leg-breaks in recent memory, but aside from that we have seen several tackles that could easily have ended with the same result pass by without punishment, while considerably less threatening altercations have drawn dismissals. With referees only having one full-speed view of any given incident, no-one is asking for perfection at this time, just consistency, and it is this that is severely lacking at the moment.
Last year we ran a little piece talking about the abundance of horror jumping tackles, and how sooner or later, someone would suffer in a career-threatening manner. Now all of a sudden Martin Taylor has been scape-goated for breaking Eduardo’s leg with what was honestly not too bad a challenge in comparison to many we’ve witnessed this year. There seems to be double standards though because just a week after said incident, Claude Makalele escaped any punishment at all for what was a considerably more vindictive and aggressive attack on West Ham’s walking sicknote Julien Faubert. Has the FA signaled any intent to retrospectively ban Makalele? Of course not. The flipside to this coin was evident in Sunday’s Championship match between QPR and Stoke City, where referee Andy Durso simply saw Stoke’s Andy Griffin go full-length to win a 50/50 ball and gave him a straight red card. The fact that Griffin got the ball and didn’t even touch the man was evident to anyone watching, but the one man who’s opinion mattered failed to see it that way. Griffin’s card might have been rescinded now, but that doesn’t help the promotion-hopefuls Stoke does it? For both these incidents, an on-looking video referee could easily have spotted the truth, and rather than a reactionary jerk decision, justice could have been done in both cases.
Similarly in the last two weekends we have seen a slightly different example of this tremendous inconsistency, exposing the apparent vagueness of the FA’s hallowed guidelines related to violent conduct. Last weekend there was an incident between Javier Mascherano and Jeremie Aliadiere, where the Liverpool man seemed to grab Aliadiere’s face, to which he responded with a light slap. Mascherano received no punishment, but Aliadiere received a straight red card. In the same way, this weekend’s game between Chelsea and West Ham saw an almost carbon-copy of the altercation, this time with Frank Lampard on the receiving end of a ridiculous red card for barely touching Luis Boa Morte after being clattered by the Portuguese. Up at the other end of the country meanwhile, Habib Beye and Morten Gamst Pedersen engaged in what was essentially a full-on fistfight, with members of both teams’ benches getting involved to finally break them up. However, Beye actually holding Pedersen by the throat was deemed not as bad as Lampard pushing Boa Morte in the chest, so both players were simply booked at St James’ Park. I’m now saying all of the above players should have been sent off, or given no punishment at all, but the point once again is the sheer lack of consistency. To make things worse, Lampard has had his red card rescinded, while Middlesbrough and Aliadiere have been further punished for a co-called “frivolous” claim to the FA, and his ban has actually been extended from 3 to 4 matches! It’s crazy.
Allowing red cards to be appealed at all implicitly says that referees make mistakes, and everyone accepts that, but what does retrospectively rescinding these bans actually achieve? The damage has been done on the game day, so it has to be one or the other: either we say that what happens on the pitch is canonical, no matter how outwardly ludicrous, or we acknowledge human fallibility and install video officials for tackling and goal-line incidents, where the margins are so tight that one man can never be reasonably expected to be right 100% of the time.
Happy Monday faithful readers, hopefully all is well in the world of water coolers and tea-making. A pretty exciting weekend of action then, albeit one that was marred by a tragic accident up at St Andrews which saw young Arsenal striker Eduardo severely injured after colliding with Blues defender Martin Taylor. Latest is that he underwent surgery over the weekend after breaking his leg in three places, and hopes to be fit again in under a year’s time. Taylor reportedly went to visit the young Croatian yesterday, and Eduardo is staying upbeat and philosophical in the face of career-threateningproblems.
Anyway, having suffered such a horrible incident just 3 minutes into the game on Saturday, Arsenal seemed distracted throughout the rest of the match, going behind to a James McFadden freekick early on. It took a brace from Theo Woolcott to put some smiles back on Arsenal faces, before a 95th minute equalizer from the penalty spot transferred those smiles up to Old Trafford. Spurred on by their rivals dropping points, Manchester United were irresistible once again, blowing a hapless Newcastle side off the field with the genius of Rooney, Ronaldo and Carrick especially. Liverpool too looked rejuvenated after their European adventure midweek, facing an impressive Middlesbrough team who hadn’t lost in 2008. An exciting game ended with the Scousers victorious thanks to woeful defensive mix-ups and a sublime hat-trick from Fernando Torres.
Blackburn, Pompey, Villa and West Ham all won once again to keep the top 10 all in sight of European qualification next season, while down at the bottom Derby, Sunderland, Fulham and Bolton suffered defeats to keep them sweating over their fate come April…
Premier League Team of the Week (based on OPTA stats, Fantasypremierleague.com ratings and my own expert eye):
Keeper – Rob Green (couple of world class saves and another clean sheet)
Defence – Craig Gardner (rock solid), Glen Johnson (enterprising in attack), Rio Ferdinand (several vital challenges to keep Owen in his pocket)
Midfield – James McFadden (a constant threat), Cristiano Ronaldo (an assist and two goals, not bad for 65 minutes work), Ashley Young (another superlative showing), Stuart Downing (hard working and inventive)
Up Top – Wayne Rooney (unselfish but clinical), Fernando Torres (unplayable), Benni McCarthy (finally returning to form?)
Weekly Awards:
Goal of the Week – Rooney’s exquisite second at St James’ Park, precisely curling the ball through a crowded penalty box into the far corner past the stranded Steve Harper:
Nutmeg of the Week – Big John Carew gets the equally-big Sonko with a beauty to tee up Agbonlahor who unfortunately blasted over from 6 yards.
Save of the Week – Rob Green defies physics by keeping out a late Jimmy Bullard effort that was smashed low near his right leg.
Skill of the Week – Niko Kranjcar shows his class and outfoxes the Sunderland defence with a perfect Cruff turn to win his side’s late penalty.
Gaffe of the Week – Well take your pick from Middlesbrough’s whole defensive display on Saturday really; Julio Arca had a nightmare generally, but this has to be shared between Schwarzer and Wheater for a bizarre edge-of-the-box collision to gift Torres his hat-trick.
Miss of the Week – Marlon Harewood manages to drag a shot so wide that it actually ends up going for a throw-in, almost behind his shooting position. To be fair, he did make up for it by hitting the top corner a couple of minutes later though.
Effort of the Week – Mario Melchiot shows a bit of flair and was unlucky to have his audacious backheel cleared off the line by Giles Barnes.
Sniper-on-the-roof of the Week – David Dunn has his tail bone blown off to win Blackburn’s first penalty at Ewood yesterday.
ASBO of the Week – Well no prizes for guessing this but let’s be honest, there have been plenty worse challenges this year and Martin Taylor was just totally done for pace. He went in with his studs up, sure, but like Alex McLeish said, he’s not a malicious guy. Get well soon Eduardo, no-one likes to see photos this bad:
Horror Movie Extras of the Week – Everyone else on the pitch at St Andrews looked like they’d just been forced to sit through I Spit on Your Grave as the severity of Eduardo’s injury became apparent.
Controversy of the Week – Nobby Solano’s late late winner for West Ham where he seemed to both clatter the keeper and also eventually feed the ball into the net with his arm.
Place I’d Least Like to Be of the Week – Just anywhere near Willem Gallas. He did not look happy.
Fashion Statement of the Week – Nicky Shorey clearly has little taste in clothes as he delivers a post-match interview in an entirely swamp green suit, shirt and tie combination.
Coolest Scandinavian of the Week – STT favourite Morton Gamst Pedersen (Norweigan) takes this for a great all round performance and also for successfully dueling with close neighbour Jussi Jaaskelainen (Finnish).
Flirt of the Week – Javier Mascherabo and Jeremie Aliadiere would make a lovely couple; both look like rapists.
Broken Jinx of the Week – Reading finally score after more than 9 hours drought, but also lost their 8th consecutive game, an unwelcome club record.
Haircut of the Week – Kudos to Emmaunel Adebayor for ditching the gangsta-braids in favour of a more child-friendly high top, a la Will Smith circa 1987.
Quote of the Week – An understandably vitriolic Arsene Wenger describes his view of Taylor’s red card: “it was horrendous, the guy should never play football again…The answer you normally get after a tackle like that is ‘he is not the type of guy who does that,’ but you only need to kill one person one time, it’s enough.”
Hero of the Week – Just because he’s so often found himself on the Zero side of the coin this season, congratulations to Rafa Benitez this week. Great result against Inter midweek, great win this Saturday against a tough Boro side, and he seems to finally have forgotten all about that pesky rotation problem. Could probably still do with losing that goatee though.
Zero of the Week – Gael Clichy takes this week’s wooden spoon as it was his mistake once again that cost Arsenal points, casually leaving a ball in the box and forcing himself to give away a rash penalty.
Personal Highlight of the Week – I’m not a vindictive man but it’s hard to not take any pleasure from seeing Manchester United absolutely ruin Newcastle for the second time this season, taking their aggregate score to 11 – 1…the days of a Shearer-led magpies shoeing United 5 – 0, and Philip Albert wondergoals, are well and truly past…
In the midst of the post-Rugby World Cup whirlwind of calling all professional footballers wimps and jesses, it seems that some have decided to act out against this. Not however by ceasing to dive and feign injury, but instead by unleashing some of the most vindictive attempts to break opponents’ legs this side of a UFC contest.
In recent months there seems to have been an alarming amount of outright dangerous tackles that anywhere else but on a football pitch, would probably to construed as ABH. Just off the top of the dome I can think of many recent horrors, some of which match the worst tackles I’ve ever seen in history. Efforts from the likes of Ricardo Carvalho, Jon Obi Mikel, El Hadj Diouff and Emmanuel Eboue have beggared belief, especially when in every case the FA has refused to act prohibitively against these players. Even guys that you would never associate such vicious stamps and jumps with, such as Peter Crouch, baby Denilson from Arsenal, Robbie Keane and Brynjar Gunnarson, have been getting in on the act too, and something just has to be done.
It is actually a miracle that, save for John Terry’s broken foot, no-one has been severely injured. That the incidents haven’t garnered the press that Ben Thatcher’s psychotic elbowing of Pedro Mendes is even more of a miracle, given the love of the newspapers to criticise aspects of the professional game at the moment.
Three match bans simply are not enough at the moment, and the FA’s hands have to be untied to act after the event if we are to protect the rapidly decreasing selection of flair players we actually have in this country. Is it any wonder that maestros like Ronaldinho and Kaka are reluctant to play in the English league if that is the sort of treatment they can look forward to week in, week out? Don’t get me wrong, I will always defend the shall we say ‘competitive’ nature of the Premier League over the theatrics and diving of some European leagues, but if that is at the expense of skills and trickery, then I don’t know where I stand.
You know what, this was only meant to be a half serious article. Why does no-one ever direct one of these tackles towards someone like Paul Konchesky or Joey Barton anyway? Surely Barton getting his shin snapped would be justice for all those ‘indiscretions’ of the past that he has so brazenly gotten away with?
But I digress again. The main reason I got into this all was to post the below video. Check out some of these bad boys, I especially like modified WWF favourite, the Frankensteiner, around the 1:30 minute mark:
Referees and their ‘assistants’ moan a lot these days about the way English footballers behave towards them and generally disrespect them. However, for a real reason to get shirty, check out this recent clip from the Italian Serie B league and see how they roll in the boot-shaped country. Upon being sent off for presumably a pretty shocking tackle, Mr Ganea flips out and brings the pain to the linesman in question, before fighting half of his own team. G’d up from the feet up:
While it’s not STT’s bag to jump on the whole name-and-shame bandwagon, this chap is truly worthy of that kind of teenage girl theatrics.
During last night’s Champions League encounter at Celtic Park, Augustin Binya was sent off for Benfica in the game’s final minutes for simply one of the most horrific tackles in recent memory. How Scott Brown’s leg remained intact is a mystery, and perhaps testament to the bone fortifying strength of mainlining Irn Bru for the 24 hours preceding the match.
After the game, Brown quite rightly accused his opponent of deliberately trying to break his leg and has since urged UEFA to take further action against the Cameroonian player, who at the moment faces only a one-match ban for the incident.
Now there are hard challenges, and there are sheer vindictive strikes, and this tackle has to fall into the latter category. Like Ben Thatcher’s elbow on Pedro Mendes two seasons ago, this falls outside the realms of sheer football competitiveness, and you have to wonder what action would be taken if you did this to some guy outside the pub on a Friday night.
Yearlong ban? Lifetime ban? Amusing court verdict whereby Binya has to act as Brown’s butler for a month? Who’s to say. All we know is that this morning a UEFA spokesman confirmed: "This will be on the agenda of the next Control and Disciplinary Body meeting on November 15.”
See the glory of Celtic’s winner and the horror of Binya’s challenge here:
Peter the Pirate loved his parrot so much he even put it on his shoulder when it had been cremated
Peter Schmeichel – For years it was like Manchester United had simply bricked up their goalmouth, such was the superhuman ability of the permanently red-nosed Dane. Never in my lifetime has any ‘keeper dominated in the way Schmeichel did, with 42% of his Premier League starts ending in clean sheets. It goes without saying that he also won countless titles with Man United in the 90s (including the incredible Treble in 1999) and the European Championships in 1992 with his national team, Denmark. More than that though, he even managed to notch up 11 goals throughout his career - that’s more than Emile Heskey!
Paulo Maldini – What is there to say about Maldini that hasn’t already been said a hundred times before? He’s the most capped Italian international ever, has played the most games in Serie A ever, has played in the most Champions League finals ever (equaling Francisco Gento’s tally of 8 last year) etc etc. He’s just a legend, and still going strong at 39 having recently completed his 22nd season for AC Milan.
Tony Adams – Amidst all sorts of controversy about drinking problems and fighting, its easy to forget just how great a player Adams actually was. International success did not always follow however, as, to be perfectly honest, England were generally pretty terrible for most of the time Adams spent in the side, but he still captained the side bravely to mediocrity throughout the 90s. At the end of the day, how can you not respect someone who openly admits that his pre-match routine was regularly a Friday night out involving a curry, 14 pints of lager and then another curry?!
Cafu – Nicknamed ‘The Express Train’, Cafu is a legendary figure both in his native country and also throughout Europe, where he’s enjoyed much success at Roma and AC Milan. The most capped Brazilian of all time, never seen without a smile on his face, Alex Ferguson once said of him : “If Maldini plays for another five years then I am quitting, but with Cafu you never know, I think he has two hearts." Rumours that this is the result of him mastering that weird voodoo thing from the IndymovieTemple of Doom are yet to be substantiated however…
Stuart Pearce – Apparently, upon his transfer to Nottingham Forest in 1985, Psycho was so unsure of his footballing future that he actually advertised his services as a trained electrician in the match-day program! Little was he to know the national hero he would become, embodying the fight and determination that characterized the English game throughout his long career. Probably the most fired up player I’ve ever seen, who can forget the lion-esque roar of pleasure upon scoring his penalty in Euro 96? Blessed with a fiercesome left foot, Pearce also scored more than 70 top flight goals in his career from left back, further proving his worth in any side.
Zinedine Zidane – Quite simply the greatest player I have ever seen.
Ronaldinho – Yes he might have gone off the boil recently but the Brazilian is still the best player in the world at the moment. His trickery is consistently breath-taking, his vision sublime and his shooting explosive with either foot. Christiano Ronaldo wishes he was this good. And this attractive.
Kaka’ – Probably the only player currently active with a chance of eclipsing ZZ as the best footballer of modern times, Kaka’ has simply got better and better and better over the last few years at Milan. Its got the point now where if he doesn’t single-handedly win a game, you’re almost disappointed, such is the collection of wonder-goals/passes he has in his locker. Add this to the fact he models for Armani, cites The Bible as his favourite ever book, and has one of the hottest wives of all time, you really should hate him. However, he’s simply too good for hate. Look up ‘mercurial’ in the dictionary and you’ll find his picture.
Diego Maradona – Remarkable for so many reasons but mainly for the fact that he just does not look like an athlete in any way. Short and a little bit stout, Maradona had no right to be probably the best dribbler of a football ever. Surrounded by controversy since early in his career, no-one could ever say he’d led a boring life, as, now free of cocaine addiction, he has re-invented himself as a TV host back in Argentina. Many will remember him for the wrong reasons, but no matter what anyone says I don’t think his 1986 goal against England will ever be bettered.
Marco Van Basten – Probably the first player that really made me sit up and take notice of what could actually be done with a football, Van Basten is undoubtedly one of the best strikers of all time. He had everything; pace, strength, vision and a spectacular strike. Behind the aforementioned Maradona masterpiece, his 1988 volley in the European Championships final against the old Soviet Union is the second best goal I’ve ever seen.
Eric Cantona – Perhaps the most talented player ever to play in the Premier League since it’s inception in 1993, Cantona’s talismanic effect at Manchester United lead them to 4 titles in 5 years, including 2 Premier League and FA Cup doubles. While his kung-fu kick into the crowd at CrystalPalace in 1995 is what he will most likely be remembered for on these shores, he also scored some of the best goals you will ever see; sublime chips andvolleys that match those of anyone else on this list. After a somewhat dramatic relationship with the French national team, tragically Cantona never played in a World Cup, but despite this his ability was never in question. Outspoken and individual to the end, Cantona retired at the relatively early age of 30, choosing to focus to Beach Soccer and acting instead of the game that left him ultimately frustrated. In the words of the great man himself : "When the seagulls follow the trawler, it's because they think sardines will be thrown in to the sea."
Cheers Gav! Any more Dream Teams can be shipped to us via sniffingtt@gmail.com
Either from abroad, or from the Real LeagueTM , here are the best of the new young Premier League stars vying for their position in your fantasy football team. A Special Manchester edition will be up next week for your enlightenment.
Gareth Bale
And we kick off with the decidedly adolescent Gareth Bale. The young left-back has moved to the long trousers league in one of those somewhat unsavoury deals, where the transfer goes up as he makes more appearances. Like his fellow Welshman Ryan Giggs, Bale is in possession of a sweet left foot which saw him hit the back of the net 5 times in only 44 starts for the SaintsScum team based on the Solent with 4 strikes coming from free kicks.
Bale’s impact immediate impact is hard to predict, but he doesn’t have much competition in the figures of Paul Stalteri and Lee Young-Pyo, although he has significant competition to be the main free-kick taker, behind Berbatov, Keane and Zokora (if it’s over 40 yards out). If he can continue the progression he made last season, he should be starting every game for the Champions League contenders by Christmas. Let’s hope that he doesn’t train by emulating his Hollywood namesake and experimenting with various levels of buffness while putting on dodgy American accents.
Arnold Mvuemba
The former Rennes trainee is somewhat of an unknown quantity as he heads into his first full premiership season, having been on loan at Pompey since January. He shows pace and some trickery and will provide a more electric option for Redknapp on either flank, instead of Krancjar, Utaka, Taylor or O’Neill. Another addition to the increasingly Francophone dressing room, ironically in a town that is famous for sending ships to kill Frenchmen.
Sebastian Larsson
The blue eyed Swede has been judged not fit for purpose by Wenger and shipped to Birmingham City for a paltry £1 million. This appears to be a snip, as he has shown his ability in the Premiership already and he has covered most positions in midfield, as well as slotting into both full back positions for both Arsenal and Birmingham.
It is possible that Larsson enjoys sharking for snatch in Birmingham nightspots with his fellow Scandanavian and sweaty raver, Mikkel Forsell.
Ryan Babel
The highly sought after Ajax youngster is the other big-name, big-dollar addition to Merseyside this year. He is another young player who has yet to settle in his favourite position, having played down the left and up front in Amsterdam. He impressed in Liverpool’s first game, showing a thunderous shot and mandatory lofty attitude.
Rumour has it that he’s been taking elocution lessons from Stevie G, Tony Warner and Jamie Carragher, so he will be sounding like Jan Molby within his first year.
Nicklas Bendtner
A former trainee with the amusingly name Kjobenhavns Boldklub in his native Denmark, Bendtner is a typical out-of-nowhere-get-them-while-they’re-young-so-you-can-groom-them Wenger signing. He impressed on loan at Birmingham last season, netting 11 times in over 40 appearances, which officially makes him a bit better than DJ Campbell, but not as good as Gary McSheffery. He has also scored 3 times for his national side, which is 300% more than Denmark legend Peter Schmeichel.
The boy undoubtedly has talent, as he had a couple of good showings for Arsenal in preseason, but he needs to shed the skittishness of youth to really put the shits up the Premiership’s better defenders.
Fernando Torres
One of the most exciting young strikers in the game today has finally come to the Premiership, after years of speculation. In Henry’s absence, he could be the most impressive pure striker in the league and he could become another Iberian posterboy for English football. The pressure and expectations of the Scouse faithful could be too much for ‘el nino’ and there is a feeling of sweaty dread surrounding what he won’t achieve, rather than a buzz about what he can do. Sadly, he has gone to Liverpool, the place where great strikers not called Rush, Owen or Fowler go to die. And get their spindly legs broken like matchsticks.
Not for the squeamish!!!!!!!!!
Torres possesses one of the shittiest tattoos in footballing history, as he has his name in Tolkeinite Elvish inked on his arm. Presumably, this is so that he won’t forget his name when Andy Todd administers his own brand of severe concussion when Liverpool make the trip to Pride Park.
Watch this kid. Torres could either be challenging Berbatov and Ronaldo for the title of the greatest in the league, or scoring fewer goals than Voronin and Kuyt in a team where the gaffer likes to rotate it more than meatspin.
