Hot New Imports

Either from abroad, or from the Real LeagueTM , here are the best of the new young Premier League stars vying for their position in your fantasy football team. A Special Manchester edition will be up next week for your enlightenment.



Gareth Bale

And we kick off with the decidedly adolescent Gareth Bale. The young left-back has moved to the long trousers league in one of those somewhat unsavoury deals, where the transfer goes up as he makes more appearances. Like his fellow Welshman Ryan Giggs, Bale is in possession of a sweet left foot which saw him hit the back of the net 5 times in only 44 starts for the Saints Scum team based on the Solent with 4 strikes coming from free kicks.

Bale’s impact immediate impact is hard to predict, but he doesn’t have much competition in the figures of Paul Stalteri and Lee Young-Pyo, although he has significant competition to be the main free-kick taker, behind Berbatov, Keane and Zokora (if it’s over 40 yards out). If he can continue the progression he made last season, he should be starting every game for the Champions League contenders by Christmas. Let’s hope that he doesn’t train by emulating his Hollywood namesake and experimenting with various levels of buffness while putting on dodgy American accents.


Arnold Mvuemba

The former Rennes trainee is somewhat of an unknown quantity as he heads into his first full premiership season, having been on loan at Pompey since January. He shows pace and some trickery and will provide a more electric option for Redknapp on either flank, instead of Krancjar, Utaka, Taylor or O’Neill. Another addition to the increasingly Francophone dressing room, ironically in a town that is famous for sending ships to kill Frenchmen.


Sebastian Larsson

The blue eyed Swede has been judged not fit for purpose by Wenger and shipped to Birmingham City for a paltry £1 million. This appears to be a snip, as he has shown his ability in the Premiership already and he has covered most positions in midfield, as well as slotting into both full back positions for both Arsenal and Birmingham.

It is possible that Larsson enjoys sharking for snatch in Birmingham nightspots with his fellow Scandanavian and sweaty raver, Mikkel Forsell.


Ryan Babel

The highly sought after Ajax youngster is the other big-name, big-dollar addition to Merseyside this year. He is another young player who has yet to settle in his favourite position, having played down the left and up front in Amsterdam. He impressed in Liverpool’s first game, showing a thunderous shot and mandatory lofty attitude.

Rumour has it that he’s been taking elocution lessons from Stevie G, Tony Warner and Jamie Carragher, so he will be sounding like Jan Molby within his first year.


Nicklas Bendtner

A former trainee with the amusingly name Kjobenhavns Boldklub in his native Denmark, Bendtner is a typical out-of-nowhere-get-them-while-they’re-young-so-you-can-groom-them Wenger signing. He impressed on loan at Birmingham last season, netting 11 times in over 40 appearances, which officially makes him a bit better than DJ Campbell, but not as good as Gary McSheffery. He has also scored 3 times for his national side, which is 300% more than Denmark legend Peter Schmeichel.

The boy undoubtedly has talent, as he had a couple of good showings for Arsenal in preseason, but he needs to shed the skittishness of youth to really put the shits up the Premiership’s better defenders.


Fernando Torres

One of the most exciting young strikers in the game today has finally come to the Premiership, after years of speculation. In Henry’s absence, he could be the most impressive pure striker in the league and he could become another Iberian posterboy for English football. The pressure and expectations of the Scouse faithful could be too much for ‘el nino’ and there is a feeling of sweaty dread surrounding what he won’t achieve, rather than a buzz about what he can do. Sadly, he has gone to Liverpool, the place where great strikers not called Rush, Owen or Fowler go to die. And get their spindly legs broken like matchsticks.


Not for the squeamish!!!!!!!!!



Torres possesses one of the shittiest tattoos in footballing history, as he has his name in Tolkeinite Elvish inked on his arm. Presumably, this is so that he won’t forget his name when Andy Todd administers his own brand of severe concussion when Liverpool make the trip to Pride Park.

Watch this kid. Torres could either be challenging Berbatov and Ronaldo for the title of the greatest in the league, or scoring fewer goals than Voronin and Kuyt in a team where the gaffer likes to rotate it more than meatspin.