Coining It In

You might’ve heard that last week Chelsea were dumped out of the Carling Cup by lowly Burnley, and on penalties no less. To be frank, I can’t be bothered to crunch the numbers, but I’m guessing that most of the Chelsea team earn more in a week than the Burnley squad put together earn in a year or something.

I’m sure the game was riveting, but the highlight was Didier Drogba returning to form and being a complete prick. Just after he opened the scoring, Diddles celebrated in front of placid group of Burnley fans and families, when a coin jumped out of someone’s pocket and fell at the Chelsea striker’s feet. He immediately took umbridge at this, picking up the coin and hurling it straight at an old lady, before then laughing and giving her the finger.

Drogba offered this perfectly reasonable explanation: “I tried to celebrate the goal and I received some things at me. The big mistake I did was to throw it back so if someone was hurt I just want to apologise. This is not something I should show and I want to apologise. It was an incident in the heat of the moment and I regret it. It was just a mistake and nothing more.”
Those of you with keen memories will remember Liverpool defender Jamie Carragher receiving a three-game ban back in 2002 after throwing a coin back at Arsenal fans. Back when he was good, and at Leeds, Alan Smith also received a similar sentence for hurling a bottle at Manchester United fans.

Thanks to The Sun by the way for informing us that under no circumstances are we to use their exclusive photos.

Couple of Couples

Over the last few years we’ve seen Posh Spice dress up in a variety of truly shite outfits, that don’t really do her pretty average looks any good. Now, skinny as she’s ever been, Mrs Beckham has decided that the big look for summer 2008 is Dracula, or a Geisha if you kind of squint. Now I’m not really sure which is better, because to be honest that’s like choosing a favourite between the clap and hemaerroids, but girls if you’re reading, I suggest you go buy a copycat dress and all the trimmings as soon as possible. Inhuman looking face? Check. Weird Elvis throwback hair-style? Check. See-through lingerie appearance made classy by thick collar and thigh-high slit? Double check.

The occasion for the unveiling of this monstrosity, undoubtedly worth thousands of dollars and designed by some guy who goes by just the one name, was not alas Halloween, but ironically the Costume Institute Gala, which the press release tells me is “the hottest ticket in the fashion calendar.” So-called A-listers and their designer pals jostled for space on the red carpet as they showed off their not-slutty-enough frocks and toy-boy eye candy. Plenty of honeys were in attendance too; Gisele whateverhersurnameis, Scarlett Johansson and even Kate Moss shook their metaphorical stuff, while the Beckhams were too busy rubbing shoulders with professional crazies Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. He choose to go for the very ‘now’ serial-killer-doctor style, while the former Dawson’s Creek wet-dream instead preferred to go for the increasingly popular orange alien look. Stick to hanging out with Snoop Dogg Becks, he’s way cooler.

Obscure South American of the Week 10

Name – Joao Alves de Assis Silva a.k.a Jo

Affiliation – CSKA Moscow

Reason for coolness – He has dreadlocks and looks a bit like Snoop from 15 years ago.

Reason for obscurity – Like so many others featured in this column, the combination of an obscure club side and a small number of international appearances to date mean that he’s still an unknown quantity outside of Brazil and Russia.

You may have heard this week then that Manchester City are almost certain to splash out their highest ever transfer fee on some Brazilian kid with a girl’s name who plays in Russia. Standing at 6’2”, the 21-year-old certainly has the pace, power and technique to help solve City’s rapidly declining form since such a promising start to the season lined them up a potential top-4 finish. But £20million? Really?!

Jo was signed by the Russian club two years ago now from his native Corinthians, and after scoring two goals in his opening two games, became a quick favourite with the Moscow faithful. Having just played his 50^th game for the club, Jo’s scoring record stands at an impressive 29, playing alongside fellow Brazilian and STT favourite Wagner Love. He attracted plenty of attention throughout Europe following some superb Champions League performances this season, most notably bagging a goal in each of the side’s clashes with defending Serie A champions Inter Milan. The second leg was a cracker so watch the full highlights again here, taking in Jo’s ridiculously sweet goal just before the minute mark:

Despite being a little old for a Brazilian debut at 20, he received his first call-up to the squad in May last year and made his international debut in friendly against Turkey, in June 2007. Following this however, Jo was then said to have the traditional bust up with national team coach Dunga, and reportedly joined the increasing ranks of those claiming they will not play for Brazil again until the 1994 World Cup winning captain steps down.

Earlier this year in March, Russian Newspaper Peterburgsky Metropoliten stated that Arsenal were reportedly looking to secure the services of the Brazilian wonder kid, possibly because, while he has the build of Adebayor, he is actually able to play football as well. Later that month, the Italian press then linked him with a move to AC Milan, with record European Cup holders looking to revitalize their aging team this summer, but as of today it seems that Manchester City is his destination of choice. With Elano and Geovanni already at Eastlands, the move to the freezing North would be softened somewhat already, but if rumours of a last minute swoop for Barcelona’s Ronaldinho are to be believed, then this could have played a major part in Jo’s decision-making process. Watch this space, as they say…

Snoop Dogg Lines up Doggystyle Three-quel

Still riding the success waves from his first and second forays into the world of adult entertainment, Snoop Dogg has today announced that the second follow-up to his 2001 masterpiece is in pre-production, with many WAGs likely to make the final cut should they sign on the dotted line.

Reportedly Snoop was eager to feature several English girls in the flick, tentatively titled Doggystyle 3, but was unable to find any girls shameless enough to take on his entourage of mid-level rappers and has-been American Football stars in the hardcore movie which aims to set new standards of, quote, “hip-hop sleaze.” Browsing last weekend’s News of the World however, the former Death Row rapper came across an exciting idea, and together with director Richard ‘Dick’ Ryder, started to chronicle all the kiss-and-tell hoochies in the newspaper’s archive.

STT would like to therefore congratulate some of these lucky girls who are now set to actually become ‘models,’ albeit not quite in the way that their parents would be proud of them for. Snoop insists that everything will be tastefully done, with him even making his own directorial debut behind the camera for some of the more avant garde scenes. He aims to truly capture the glamorous lifestyle of the footballer’s girlfriend, with scenes taking place in car back-seats, hotel toilets, alleyways and club VIP areas. Ever the romantic, Snoop also intends to stay true to his mantra of making his movies “as much for the honeys as for the gangstas,” thus subverting some elements of traditional footballer-WAG relations. Girls in Doggystyle 3 will therefore all be called by their actual names, undressed and subject to foreplay, and only two or three of the footballer’s friends will join in for the so-called money shot. Also, the usual exchange of money or gifts that usually occurs after the act has taken place will be glossed over, because as Snoop so accurately says “these girls ain’t hos.”

Worthy of particular comment from Snoop was Sarah Giggle, a lady that rose to fame recently after relations with Portsmouth hitman Jermain Defoe. He described the “professional” way she carried herself, and how little prompting she needed in the private rehearsal sessions that have been ongoing all week, even servicing the studio’s cleaner after Snoop joked that he was a famous producer Stateside. “As party girls go, she up there with the greats. I ain’t never seen so much go into something so little,” Snoop mused. “She got that ass too. The way the homies are hitting it, she ain’t walking out of here,” he added somewhat ominously.

Unfortunately none of the actresses were available for comment today, but with rumours of coverage from US scandal mag The National Enquirer, you can guarantee that the posh-frocks are already being lined up for the film’s premiere. So will any actual footballers be appearing in the title themselves? Ashley Cole was originally to be involved but as Snoop explains, he had to be cut at the last minute: “we had some great set ups for his (Cole’s) scene but we had to bring a replacement actor in. On camera it looked like someone throwing a hotdog down a hallway.”

Anyone Redjemba-Redjemba Eric?

Want advice on how to go from playing in a World Cup at the age of 20 to defining mediocrity for a club in the Middle East at the age of 26? Well just ask Eric Djemba-Djemba, as having been declared bankrupt last September, the Cameroon international and ex-Manchester United midfielder has now found himself earning £15,000 a month playing for Qatar SC in Doha, Qatar. Still not bad eh, but how has someone with such promise found himself in such dire financial and professional straits?

Having comprehensively failed during two seasons at United, and then subsequently at Aston Villa and Burnley in this country too, Djemba-Djemba was left with virtually nothing last year and was forced to head out into the desert as his last chance to resurrect a career that was heading off-the-rails almost as soon as it started. His is actually quite a tragic tale of a life shattered by bad advice and financial wastefulness; a cautionary lesson to any young footballer suddenly finding himself with excess cash.

Djemba-Djemba made his name first with French top-flight side Nantes, where he quickly emerged as a competitive midfielder, but as soon as he began to earn decent wages his money problems started. Perhaps too impressionable and naïve to the cut-throat ways of the world, he found himself pretty stranded and without anyone close to offer decent advice. In retrospect, Djemba-Djemba himself admits that he should’ve been more sensible, but “African footballers tend to give all their money to their compatriots. I even helped complete unknowns. I was young, I was cocky, I took no account of anything. Nowadays, I say no.” This innocence that was to cost him dear is summed up by his first coach at Nantes, Guy Hillion: “He was touching. He used to get ecstatic about everything. One of the first things he said when he arrived was ‘I don't understand this. In France, I see money coming out of the walls.’ He was talking about cash machines.” When you hear something like this it makes you feel that surely someone at Nantes should’ve stepped in and just looked after the poor kid; he was young, a long way from home, and in an environment famous for eating people just like him up without taking breath.

Following a £2.5million move to United, club sources revealed that he would often splash out large sums of money arranging for large items, often even furniture, to be sent to Africa bizarrely, presumably to furnish friends and relatives’ houses. A couple of years later, while at Aston Villa, things seemed to have changed though, and he had very much become victim to self-indulgence and hedonism, all without any hint of responsibility. A Villa source told the Daily Fascist: “ He (Eric) drove one of the biggest cars at the club, like a Hummer. People expected one of the club's really big stars to get out of it, but it was Eric. He would wear designer clothes and look flash, even though underneath he was not.”

Djemba-Djemba’s agent Christophe Mongay also spoke to the Nazi today, describing the star’s money problems as so bad that while at Old Trafford, he relied solely on his appearance fee and win bonus to get by as every other penny received went straight to creditors as loan repayments. At his peak Djemba-Djemba was amazingly running a fleet of ten 4 x 4 vehicles and had more than 30 different bank accounts for some reason. Mongay said:

“When he arrived at Manchester United, I decided to take over the running of his accounts. It used to take me four hours a day! At United he was earning about £75,000 basic per month. But every penny was going straight to loan repayments. He was having to live on bonuses and extras.”

It’s quite baffling why exactly Djemba-Djemba felt the need to have ten cars in the first place, let alone ten jeeps. Perhaps he was doing airport runs in his spare-time to make a bit of extra coin? Or maybe it was even an elaborate prostitution ring, aimed specifically at those clients who liked off-roading and dogging? 30 bank accounts too, how did that happen? It’s almost as if literally every wage cheque went into a new account. Either that he actually replied to every one of those spam e-mails you get about releasing foreign diplomatic funds, and thought he’d dodge tax by setting up a string of illicit holdings.

Jokes aside, it’s a pretty tragic tale of what this business can do to a new talent, and as signings get younger and younger, and wages get higher and higher, I’m sure Mr Djemba-Djemba won’t be the last one left with his dream in tatters.

Dream Come True

Here’s a lesson to all the kids out there. Sometimes when you just wish for something hard enough, it can become a reality. A little while ago we speculated that David Beckham and new best friend Snoop Dogg might well be entering the studio to produce a rap duo, and while at the time that was ideal speculation, it now seems there might be some truth in it. Recently speaking to the Metro, Snoop himself confirmed that Becks plans a movie role and also a possible rap single to help raise his profile in the US!

STT for one wants to encourage this move as much as humanly possible, and suggests perhaps a remake of N.W.A classic Gangsta Gangsta as Becks’ first single, ideally rapping Ice Cube’s original verse in the weird pseudo-baby voice of his. “If he wants to do something musically with me, he's welcome” Snoop confirmed yesterday.

Check here for the first collaboration between the two, with Becks recently appearing on Snoop’s recently started reality TV show, the cleverly named Father Hood. You know, like, he’s a father, but he’s also from the hood, get me. It’s pretty embarrassing for all concerned, with Snoop calling Beckham “D Beck” and also saying his football skills are “tight.” Dear God Snoop’s kids look bored, someone get them a X-Box 360:

At the end of the day though, ego-massaging aside, their hearts are both in the right place as they also plan to use their fame to promote sports in innercity crime-ridden areas of Los Angeles. The campaign, which launches this month, aims to encourage youths tempted by gang lifestyles to instead consider turning to football, or American football, as an alternative. Not wanting to set the bar too high though, Snoop said “I hope this proves I do other things than go to jail, smoke weed and go back to jail.” Baby steps eh Snoop?

Obscure South American del la Semana Tres

Name – Vágner Silva de Souza a.k.a Vágner Love

Affiliation - CSKA Moscow, aka Sneeze Moscow

Reason for coolness – He has blue braids. Looks like he's got a deal going with Death Row. Gangsta.

Reason for Obscurity – As with last week’s Fenerbahce’s duo, the Russian national league is somewhat off most people’s radars, although Moscow’s exposure in the Champions League over the last couple of years has raised his profile throughout Europe.

Mr. de Souza garnered quite a reputation for himself within the Brazilian league before moving to Russia, but more for being something of a Don Juan than a great footballer, and unsurprisingly owes his nickname to his womanising ways. In fact, five years ago, he was thrown out of Palmeiras’ youth team squad after being caught with a girl in his room on the eve of an important game. That’s just how he rolls though, ladies love him, and the kiss-and-tell tales of his antics had the press gleefully dubbing the youngster “the Marksman of Love,” while the late night hood-rat shenanigans continued with increasingly regularity. He even has the class to still acknowledge this reputation by celebrating ever goal he scores by blowing kisses to women in the crowd.

However, while a lesser man might’ve succombed to the sirens’ calls, Vagner Love’s pimp game never interfered with his playing progress and still as a teenager, he was a fixture in Palmeiras’ first team, notching up 19 goals in the 2003 season as the club were promoted into the Brazilian top flight. Having started the following season is as good a form, Vagner got the call-up into the Brazilian Under-20 side, and it wasn’t long before a move was touted. Russia is never an easy place to go to, but he has settled well, adapting to the tighter style of play and posing a constant threat to defences. He now averages almost a goal every other game for CSKA, and his tally includes the third goal that sealed CSKA's 3-1 victory in the 2005 UEFA Cup Final over Sporting Lisbon

Perhaps harder to adjust to though, coming as he does from Sao Paulo, is living in the desolate, icy kremlin that is Moscow. This blow has been softened however by having his entire family brought over to be around him, including his mother Jaira, father Neto, sister Irma, brother-in-law Marcelo, and of course the 35 illegitimate children he has fathered over the years. Vagner says: “I know only a few words of Russian. I communicate with most of my team-mates with gestures, but it's working out.” Presumably he’s found a much easier way to communicate with the Russian ladies though.

Word on the street is that AC Milan are sizing him up for a January transfer window swoop, having been impressed with his performances during Brazil’s victorious Copa America run, so don’t expect Mr. Love to remain obscure for much longer…

While you ponder your lesson of love, enjoy this tribute video, which draws parallels between Russian football and West Coast hippity-hop: