The Fall

Once of the most famous anecdotes in the Roman imperial annuals describes a certain Emperor Nero reciting poetry and strumming a harp on the roof of his palace, while all around him the city was burning to the ground. Now, I’m not suggesting that Newcastle owner Mike Ashley prefers the company of pre-pubescent boys, but this past weekend, as he partied absent-mindedly in New York while Kevin Keegan simultaneously quit as the Toon boss, the famous ancient story was certainly called to mind.

The billionaire Newcastle owner splashed out more £125,000 on a bar tab in trendy New York hotspot the Pink Elephant, spraying expensive bubbly in all directions during what the red tops have generously dubbed “an orgy of debauchery.” Now, I don’t know if any of them have ever been to an orgy, but trust me, a fat northern man is never welcome. Anyway, during this luxurious binge, he reportedly slurred to one reveler: “We’ve had a tiff with (Keegan) — but it will all be sorted out,” not knowing that across the pond Keegan had already quit in disgust at recent boardroom developments involving transfers.

Word on the street is that the party downed an incredible 175 bottles of Cristal Champagne, the club’s entire stock, as well as 16 bottles of Dom Perignon, 29 of PJ Fleur Rose, and three of Grey Goose Vodka. Eagle-eyed onlookers, who presumably didn’t actually talk to him, uniformly described Ashley as being “slaughtered,” and soaked from head-to-toe in champagne as he offered free drinks around to scantily-clad girls, even getting some to pour booze into his mouth. One of these mysterious tipsters continued: “(Ashley) left just after three, staggering out with his arms around two much younger, pretty girls.” Nothing to do with his bank balance then, the girls were with him just for his winning personality.

Meanwhile, a quick glance over at the Newcastle Rivals fan site tells me that things are not too settled under the surface over there. Craig Cowan, 28, from Blakelaw, said: “I’m gutted. Hopefully everyone will boycott the Hull game and get Ashley and Wise on their way.” And one chap, posting under the screen-name ‘jimbeam,’ concluded: “I’m ashamed to be a Newcastle fan, the club is a disgrace.” Got to admit, I do feel for them.

Bad Lads Army

Not a good weekend for Newcastle you might say, but a comprehensive drubbing by Arsenal on Saturday evening is possibly the least of their problems. You see, millionaire owner and walking KFC advert Mike Ashley could now face police action after wantonly breaking licensing laws by carrying alcohol onto the Emirates stadium. Unbeknowst to him, the not-exactly-conspicuously-sized chap was caught by TV cameras necking a pint in the stands to presumably drown his returning sorrows. Alcohol is of course on sale at Arsenal, but like all other grounds, fans are not allowed to take drinks back to their seats. Newcastle this morning issued a quite hilarious statement which genuinely reads: “Mike was offered a drink which he thought was non-alcoholic so he took it in good faith.” While we are still awaiting confirmation from the Emirates staff, STT is pretty certain that the club do not sell non-alcoholic beer in plastic pint glasses at the stadium.

Ultimately though, boozing illegally in a stadium is something that everyone does… I myself was even nearly shown the exit at QPR last season for pocketing a couple of ciders at half time to numb the misery of just generally being there…but far worse a crime for Newcastle affiliates must surely orbit around that man Joey Barton, once again. Just weeks after being released from a pillow-biting stay in Strangeways, Barton was given a couple of minutes run out at the Emirates this past weekend, and was predictably met with a tirade of boos. Considering Arsenal fans have never been know to make any noise whatsoever, one can only assume this reaction came from the visiting Toon support. Things got worse though, as his first quasi-touch of the ball resulted in a jarring horror challenge on Arsenal’s Samir Nasri, which floored the Frenchman and clearly wound up the normally-placid Arsenal team. It wasn’t just the challenge that pushed buttons however, but the dead-eyed shit-eating grin he gave Nasri as he dusted himself off.

It seems a strange move even from someone as notoriously idiotic as Kevin Keegan to provoke such a reaction from the public by even naming Barton amongst his substitutes, since this Friday he is due to receive a hefty ban from the FA’s disciplinary committee after admitting to a charge of violent conduct for the Ousmane Dabo attack back in May 2007. Ed Harrison, writer of the official Newcastle United Blog, wrote: “Fans regard Barton as a thug who should have been thrown out of football.” Another fan said: “Barton is a smirking goon who turns my stomach every time I see him with that cocky, bully-boy grin.” And finally, another supporter calling himself Goffy said: “I’ll avoid watching my beloved Toon if that waster wears the shirt.” And Keegan’s take on all this clear outcry, even amongst his own fans? When asked what should be done next, he answered in typically over-dramatic fashion: “Other than putting some gallows up outside, you’re all doing a good job of that without any help from me.”

Without wanting to sound like a broken record, can someone just man up and ban this piece of shit for life? He’s proven himself time and time again to be a remorseless thug, and at the end of the day, is this really the kind of prick we want as a role-model for children? Going to prison would constitute gross professional misconduct in any other industry, and is usually punishable by sacking, so why should footballers be treated any different?