Remove Dignity Before Entering

Sometimes the focus on football-related stories on STT gets a bit lost, but please excuse the somewhat tenuous connection here and instead just wallow in a truly amusing story of low self-esteem and pathetic prostitution. You might recognise ex-Big Brother tart Chanelle Hayes from her several previous appearances over the last year or so, mainly through her MENSA-worrying friendship with fellow reality TV ho-bag Chantelle Houghton, but their shameless desire for fame apparently knows no boundaries.

You know things are bad when someone like Chantelle can still feature in The Sun’s Bizarre column on a regular basis ahead of you, but how truly bad must they be when you are prepared to just have sex with whoever is most famous fleeting-celebrity-of-the-week to make sure people remember your name. Chanelle then hit a new low last night by bedding Celebrity Big Brother ‘star’ Verne Troyer; yes that’s right, the guy who was Mini-Me in the Austin Powers movies. I’d ask what the hell she was thinking but I think that’s a somewhat self-defeating question.

The pair apparently spent all night flirting and smooching in a night club, before leaving together in the early hours for a good old-fashioned “sex and booze rampage.” Chanelle’s clearly intelligent gal pal quipped: “She (Chanelle) now knows size doesn’t matter. Verne may be a little fella but he knows how to have big fun!” I really despair sometimes. Chanelle herself helpfully added: “Verne is a real ladies' man and certainly knows what to say to the ladies. He may be small but to be honest he has really cut my other boyfriends down to size.” Ok, enough with the shit size-related puns, this is just getting embarrassing.

2’8” Troyer was enjoying a pretty standard night of his bodyweight in vodka (genuinely not that hard) but when Chanelle arrived a source tells us “he ditched the vodka and made sure he was introduced to her.” Wide-eyed and aggressively horny, “he was like a Jack Russell on heat,” whatever the hell that means. The pint-sized actor only had this to offer today: “I have plenty of inches where it matters.” Thanks for that.

Congratulations Chanelle!

After almost a year of disturbingly stalking her “idol” Victoria Beckham, Big Brother ‘star’ Chanelle has finally taken the first step in actually living the ex-Spice Girl’s life by dating a footballer. Classy Chanelle, who actually looks less like a live woman than some top-of-the-line sex dolls these days, has been courting Middlesbrough’s up-and-coming defender Seb Hines who so far has had just two substitute appearances. Hines is certainly no Beckham to look at though, and in fact you’d be using the term “Premier League footballer” pretty loosely to describe him as such. Chanelle won’t hear it though; she told a gal pal yesterday that “he's gorgeous and he's going places fast,” with the Boro lads already giving Hines a lot of stick in the dressing room for dating the girl branded “an absolute psycho” by a fellow Big Brother brain donor known only as ‘Ziggy’ (he’s like Prince in that respect apparently).

Everything seems to be falling into place then for the tiny 20-year-old socialite as word has also come out that she is planning a raid on the pop charts soon too. Buoyed by the seismic success of the Big Brother twins’ cover of ‘Barbie Girl,’ Chanelle is reportedly working with the best in the British music industry to find just the right launch single. The same helpful gal pal, who presumably moonlights as a record company executive given the insightfulness of the comments, added: “She's the same size as Kylie Minogue and has got some moves on the dancefloor — she'll be a perfect pop star!” I for one could not be more excited at the prospect, and have no doubts that the music video will be an expressive allegory of the song’s timeless thematics and definitely not Ms Hayes in slutty lingerie incongruously larking about on a beach.

It’s a sad state of affairs for a relatively intelligent girl (she was due to go to Leeds university when she shot to fame) to actually aspire to be a WAG above all else, and has been prepared to prostitute every aspect of her life to follow in the footsteps of Posh. Painted bright orange, with cheap platinum blonde hair and a permanently-lifting short skirt, she seems to content to now play out her life on the sad stage of celebrity chasing this bizarre dream. It seems like any footballer will do and you can’t help but get the feeling that Mr Hines will be the first in a pretty long line of footballers parking their Bentleys in Chanelle’s ever-accomadating garage. Still, if it wasn’t for girls like this Nuts and Zoo wouldn’t exist so let’s not give her too a hard a time eh; at least she has always been open in her shameless drive for the WAG lifestyle, unlike some slags who live for the kiss-and-tell money that comes with sleeping with a footballer. Face aside, she’s a pretty tight little package too.