Do You Want Chips With That, Love?

Manchester United are so relaxed these days that, rather than actually make their players train during the week, they allow them to just get stoned and appear in the occasional programme for MUTV. While previously this was an egotistical mish-mash of reserve games and masturbatorary player profiles, MUTV has now evolved into a fully-functional media node, producing its own entertainment shows with a view to have a film development department up and running by the end of the year.

Those of you lucky enough to have both a subscription and a free Sunday night were this week treated to the premiere of Red Devil’s Kitchen, in which United resident chef Romain Camos helps footballers prepare a fancy meal. “Traveling all over the world with United, I wanted fans to go behind the scenes and see what I see – a different side to the player and the manager,” enthused Camos. “RDK is a very relaxed programme. I make sure we have some good football banter while we’re preparing the food. And as you might expect when you’re cooking with professional footballers, all the recipes are healthy!”

So in last night’s episode then, first guest was Frenchman Patrice Evra, who was given the opportunity to make his first ever meal for himself. Advisedly not starting with something easy like cheese on toast, Evra plumped for lobster ravioli: “It wasn’t easy but I am very happy. I made the dish with all my heart. It was very funny and a good experience.”

Other Manchester United personalities scheduled to appear on the show include Denis Irwin, Bryan Robson and Sir Alex Ferguson. In anyone needs me I’ll be right here, on the edge of my seat…

Feud for Thought

It’s a pretty well known fact that a lot of football managers refuse to speak to certain television stations because of ongoing beefs. By that I mean: lots of people hate the BBC because they broadcast lies all the time and use our money to fund it. A couple of years ago now, a Panorama special looked into the perceived world of bungs and dodgy-dealings that underpin the modern game, with footage allegedly showing Pompey boss Harry Redknapp illegally tapping up Andy Todd, and Bolton boss Sam Allerdyce receiving kickbacks from two agents. Obviously both men denied all the accusations, but until recently have refused to appear on BBC radio or TV, even snubbing Match of the Day at every opportunity.

The most famous case is of course Alex Ferguson, who has not spoken to the BBC since May 2004 after a documentary suggestively probed transfer deals at Manchester United involving his son Jason, then a football agent. Following an investigation at the club into transfers and agent payments that revealed nothing underhand, Ferguson demanded an apology from the Beeb, which has been unsurprisingly not exactly forthcoming. He has therefore refused all requests for interviews since, and a source said: “he (only) agreed to present the (2007 Sports Personality of the Year Lifetime Acheivement Award) because he is a great friend and has enormous respect for Sir Bobby Charlton. It does not signal an end to hostilities.” Battle lines are quite clearly drawn then.

Now if ever there was a gauge to measure the differences between the top four divisions, it’s this. Stockport boss Jim Gannon has today added his name to the illustrious list of feuding managers, but this time taking aim at Sky. He has reportedly refused to co-operate with the company before his club’s play-off final with Rochdale, but what you may ask is the reason? Unfounded suggestions of paedophilia? Brazen accusations of consorting with prostitutes? No, much better than that. He shall not be appearing on Sky this weekend to protest against an on-going nine-month customer relations dispute over his defective Sky box, which they apparently refuse to replace. Seriously. It’s pretty glamorous in League Two kids!

The Darts Trophy Semi-Finals

Since Arsene Wenger and Avram Grant don’t give a shit about the Carling Cup, STT was planning to take the same stance throughout the season. However, since we’ve reached the sharp end of the tournament, we thought we’d give this week’s action a quick once-over to prepare you for the most underwhelming of all finals on February 24^th.

I guess silverware’s silverware, and I wouldn’t mind if my particular club was to win it again, but does it really matter to anyone? I’m sure all concerned would be just as happy if Premier League teams didn’t enter altogether, thus giving some lower leagues clubs the chance to play at Wembley and raise a cup…not to mention the thrill of getting to meet some inbred third-cousin of Prince Charles, or whoever the hell presents the thing these days…

Tottenham Hotspur 5 – 1 Arsenal (6 – 1 on aggregate)

Savour the moment Spurs fans because it doesn’t get a lot better than this. Following a tight and competitive 1^st leg a fortnight ago, the white half of North London really turned it on Tuesday night, blowing the Gunners off the field in 90 blistering minutes of attacking football. Their intention was clear from the opening minutes, with the superb Jermaine Jenas firing Spurs ahead just 3 minutes into the tie. From then on, the crowd was electric and you could tell Arsenal didn’t fancy it. The so-called young guns were supplemented with many 1^st team players, but still Spurs were first to every ball and carved out chance after chance, while Nikolas Bendtner’s own goal sent them into half-time 2 – 0 up.

Tottenham kept the pace just as frantic for the whole 90 minutes and never wavered, even when substitute Adebayor bagged a second half glimmer of hope for Arsenal. If anything the score actually flatters the Gunners, who can now concentrate on the league, with Berbatov hitting the post and Defoe wasting a virtually open goal late on. On the night, Keane, Jenas and Lennon were all sublime, but the whole team deserves credit for a monumental victory.

Extra kudos too for Defoe and two others ‘accidently’ spraying champagne all over world’s-most-bitter-Frenchman Arsene Wenger while he was conducting his post-match interview. Sad-face though to Togo striker Adebayor for clashing with Bendtner on the field; to quote Bendtner’s dad Thomas, “It's sad that (Adebayor) doesn't take his head with him onto the field.” Word.

Everton 0 – 1 Chelsea (1 – 3 on aggregate)

With all neutrals praying for another upset after Tuesday’s heroics, last night’s second leg at Goodison Park was a fairly drab affair with Chelsea predictably advancing to the final to defend their crown. Everton were full of bluster, and came close on several occasions, but were ultimately undone by a superb goal by Joe Cole. The returning Florent Malouda picked the ball up on the halfway line then found Cole about 20 yards out with a beautiful raking crossfield pass which Cole controlled on a dime under pressure from Lescott, and hammered past the stranded Howard. See it for yourself here:

See you in a month’s time then for 2008’s first visit to Wembley. My money’s on Chelsea, although a Spurs win could be on the cards if then capture even half the form they showed this week…