“But He Called My Son a Nonce!”

Ok I’ll just get the shit pun out of the way now: two teammates from Hull City brawled with each other in a casino last week, “like snarling animals.” Hull are of course nicknamed the Tigers. Tigers snarl, and also behave like animals. Sometimes I despair.

Anyway, the on-loan star Marlon King is said to have head-butted fellow striker (and STT messiah) Dean Windass in a rumble that ended with the pair having to be pulled apart by other Hull players. Windass was left with a bloody nose, and King reportedly insulted the staff before bizarrely pretending his £19,000 watch had been stolen. And where did all this go down you might ask? Well the epicentre of all things cultural and decadent, Scarborough’s Opera House Casino.

A mysterious tipster said the barney followed “weeks of simmering tension” between the two, as the aging Windass got more and more pissed off that King was starting ahead of him, despite promises being made to him in the off-season that he would feature in the Premier League. An actual eye-witness said: “Windass appeared to say something to King that had him raging like a bull. King was shouting, ‘You bastard. Wait until I tell my boy what you said.’” Windass then reportedly shouted back: “It was a joke. You know fuck all about anything.” Sounds pretty exciting doesn’t it folks?

As things started to get a bit tasty, “blood and drinks were sent flying,” the witness said. “It was embarrassing. They were like snarling animals.” Team-mates eventually pulled the pair apart and the players were allowed to stay after promising there would be no more trouble. This was when King then tried to pretend his expensive watch had been pinched, even though: “staff clearly saw him put it in his own pocket,” according to this anonymous font of knowledge. Richard Koval-Meth, gaming manager of the casino in North Yorks, offered this concise summation: “There was a fracas, but it only lasted a minute or two.” He also confirmed that the missing watch was luckily found in King’s pocket.

Other fights we’d like to see: John Hartson vs Duncan Ferguson (weapons free), Ashley Cole vs Theo Woolcott, Robbie Savage vs David Ginola, Joey Barton vs A Rabid Bear, and finally, Cheryl Tweedy vs A Strip-club Pole