The Gamest Lad

The best thing about football violence is the drug / alcohol-induced numbness that makes literally anything that moves a target. Few human experiences can top that feeling when you finish a bottle of Buckfast, do a couple of rails of blow, and then hurl yourself head-first through a pub window just to punch a kid who’s wearing an opposing team’s shirt. Every so often though, a hooligan comes along though who takes the bar and just hoists it so high that satellites have to adjust their orbits.

Meet Shaun Allen. He’s a Stoke City fan who was today banned from attending any league matches for three years after he punched a police horse. Yes that’s right, he actually punched a horse. This incident went down on the opening day of the season, when his beloved Potters were on the road at the Reebok stadium. Word on the street is that Allen was with a group of about 15 other Stoke fans who were drinking outside the stadium, when a police officer unreasonably tried to confiscate a can off Allen and asked the group to move on. Not being some kind of ice cream, Allen obviously became abusive, and lashed out at the nearest thing to him, which happened to be a huge horse.

He has subsequently pleaded guilty to causing harassment, alarm and distress, leading to a fine of £200. Bizarrely he was also ordered to pay £100 legal costs and a £15 victim surcharge to the horse. I’m sorry but what exactly is a horse going to do with £15? Put a couple of cheeky bets on? Spend a couple of hours in Browns? NO! BECAUSE HE IS A HORSE. HE HAS HOOFS. Thanks to With Leather for the heads up on this. Sterling work fellas.

Jamaican Me Crazy

In case you haven’t heard, there’s this guy called Usain Bolt who is quite a fast runner. The 22-year-old Jamaican won three gold medals at the recent Olympics and also smashed three world records in the process, so how does he plan to celebrate? Life-size gold statue of himself? A sexual obstacle course of prostitutes? Even better than both of those put together: a night out in Stoke-on-Trent.

You see, Bolt is really good pals with Stoke forward Ricardo Fuller, who spent plenty of this past summer partying with the rocket-propelled sprinter back home in Jamaica. The Potters hitman offered this comment: “We’ve got the fastest man in the world who’s got the 100 metres, 200m and 100m relay records. That’s got to make you feel good as a Jamaican!” Indeed it must Ricky, indeed it must, especially on the back of this Carnival weekend where all things Caribbean were celebrated and successfully jerked in West London. On a personal level, Fuller too must be flying pretty high after helping his impressive Stoke side record a surprise victory over the hotly-tipped Aston Villa this past weekend, with a goal out of the very top drawer. You get the feeling that had someone like Ronaldo done this then the whole country would still be treading water over it.

Anyway, word is that Fuller and Bolt go back a long way, as the forward was singled out as a red-hot sprint prospect when he was a kid and was even coached by Glen Mills, the man who steered Bolt to glory this week. Fuller added: “Usain’s my good little friend. He’s my nightclub partner when we are on holiday back in Jamaica and we go for a night out — although he’s by far the better dancer, as you’ve seen this week. The last time I saw him was at the cricket when West Indies were playing Australia. Me, him, Courtney Walsh and Curtly Ambrose were in the Mount.” I’m sorry but that sounds like an absolutely cracking day out! The conversation would be completely incomprehensible, sure, but you’d definitely have a pretty good time for those four lads.

Fuller had this final offering: “(Bolt) is a real character. He’s not been to see Stoke before, I don’t know if he can play football, but he could certainly dance in the clubs!” Quite how the classy ladies of Stoke-on-Trent will respond to Bolt is anyone’s guess, although STT would like to warn them that his nickname of ‘Lightning’ Bolt actually refers more to his performance between the sheets than on the track…