I’ll Cut You First Blud

You don’t need me to tell you El-Hadji Diouf is nasty piece of work, and the cynical amongst you will probably suggest that his quick-fire move from Sunderland to Blackburn last week might’ve been predicated on some kind of falling out with the Maccams’ staff. And you would be right too! This is just a harmless bit of spitting or drink-driving though; this time Diouf really excelled himself by having a fight with Anton Ferdinand and threatening to actually stab him. What a lovely guy!

The bust-up took place at a post-match meal following Sunderland’s 1 - 0 midweek win against Fulham. A secretive ‘senior’ player told The Sun: “It was worse than anything I have ever seen and when they were pulled apart El-Hadji shouted that he would stick Anton with a knife.” Never one to let sleeping dogs lie, Diouf ensured that the bust-up continued the next day in training, leaving boss Ricky Sbragia no choice but to sell the Senegal striker to Blackburn the next day.

Another mysteriously unnamed source said the pair accused each other of a lack of effort on the field, and then the tear-up continued after the game in the dressing room: “It started during the game but El-Hadji clearly felt it wasn’t finished. It all kicked off. But the fight escalated extremely quickly and became very violent. At first we thought it was best to let them get it out of their system. But it became so vicious we feared that Anton could end up with serious injuries and El-Hadji was pulled off him. The squad was left stunned by what we had witnessed. Nobody spoke. None of us were surprised when we heard El-Hadji had been sold to Blackburn.”

In an ironic twist, Anton’s better-looking brother Rio is a well-known campaigner against knife crime, launching a truly successful anti-weapons initiative in London last year called ‘Respect your life, not a knife.’ Catchy, eh?

He Drinks, He Drives, He Spits in People’s Eyes

In case you haven’t noticed, things aren’t going so well up in Sunderland at the moment. Despite recording their first victory over bitter local rivals Newcastle in many decades a couple of weekends ago, they have since been humbled by Stoke, and been truly humiliated by an irresistible Chelsea performance that even saw Nicolas Anelka bag a hat-trick. Now Roy Keane isn’t the happiest of men generally, but I imagine this is going to tread on his dick even more.

You see, full-time supreme spitter (and part-time striker) El-Hadji Diouf was snapped necking champagne in a trendy bar just hours before his team were thumped by Chelsea. The photo here shows the sweaty star clutching £300-a-bottle Cristal alongside a DJing pal late last Thursday night, less than 48 hours before he came on as a substitute at Stamford Bridge. The Senegalese forward was allegedly partying with fellow Black Cats stars Pascal Chimbonda and Djibril Cisseat Newcastle’s Living Room bar, celebrating the birthday of Newcastle striker Obafemi Martins, who himself managed quite a tasty little performance last night against Aston Villa.

Fans were apparently “shocked” as they watched Diouf drink bubbly and party into the early hours. One wasted onlooker offered this concise summation: “Diouf’s top was drenched in sweat and he was hugging the DJ. At one point he even started rapping in African as he held a bottle of Cristal in one hand.” I don’t know about you, but that sounds like literally the most entertaining sight I can conceive of! The reliable source continued: “He was with two other Sunderland players, but they didn’t seem to be drinking. They were watching in the corner but Diouf was having a ball. We had no idea that he was meant to be playing against Chelsea.”

A source at the club said: “The manager has not seen the picture yet but is aware that some players were out on Thursday night. It doesn’t look good, especially when they then lose so heavily on Saturday. Fans that travel hundreds of miles to watch the team away from home don’t expect to see players partying less than 48 hours before games. I’m sure Roy will take action over the next couple of days.” For a man who transfer-lists players for just being late to training, this kind of behaviour is surely tempting fate? Surely having Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights all free to go out and get wasted is enough?? I mean, it’s not like Diouf is any good or anything, but come on!

Spit. It. Out.

Last week, in the Daily Star the so-called ‘Mr Chelsea,’ John Terry, has furiously denied spitting at Carlos Tevez during Wednesday night’s Champions League final after the Argentine forward accused him the following day. The incident took place during the same scuffle that saw professional waste-of-space Didier Drogba sent off for slapping Nemanja Vidic in the face. Terry said: “There was some pushing and shoving, I admit that. But no spitting, that is not my style. No way would I spit at another player.” So here’s some footage of it all then, kindly provided by The Spoiler, and if about 12 seconds in JT isn’t spitting/blowing his nose on Tevez, then what the hell is he doing?

Chelsea obviously deny everything, and have hired a crack-team of Ambulance-chasers to defend the aspiring England captain. UEFA spokesman William Gaillard told us: “The procedure is that we must wait for the report from the referee and UEFA delegates. If the referee says he saw the incident and that the player did not spit, then that will be the end of the matter. But if he says he did not see the incident, then we will go back to the video images.” If found guilty, Terry could face a three match European ban, with similar behaviour from Fransesco Totti and Sebastien Frey at Euro 2004 the precedents. This whole incident calls to mind a classic slice of 90s comedy which is shown below for your enjoyment. If you’ve never heard of JFK, or have had a sense of humour transplant, please ignore what follows:

Anyway, this controversy tops off what has been a not-exactly-great week for JT then, with a penalty miss plaguing him, and main rival Rio Ferdinand expected to be handed the permanent national captaincy before next week’s clash with the U.S. of A.

UPDATE - John Terry has written an open letter to Chelsea fans following the Champions League Final. The Chelsea captain wrote:

'To all the Chelsea fans, all my team-mates, the manager and staff at the club.
I am so sorry for missing the penalty and denying you the fans, my team-mates, family and friends the chance to become European champions.
Many people have told me I don't need to say that but I feel I need to, that's just me. I have relived that moment every minute since it happened. I have only slept a few hours and wake up every time hoping it's all been a bad dream.
I have had some amazing support from fans, current and ex-players, family and friends and I need to thank everyone for that. But I am a big man and I take responsibility for us not winning.

I am and ALWAYS will be Chelsea through and through. I will give my all on and off the pitch to win this trophy as a player and one day as a manager. And I am sure we will win it.
That night in Moscow will haunt me forever and I feel I have let everybody down and this hurts me more than anything. I am not ashamed about crying. This is a trophy I have tried so hard year after year to win and it was just an uncontrollable reaction, I wear my heart on my sleeve, everybody knows that.
The road to Rome starts here, we have to try and turn this experience to our advantage. I am very proud of how far we have come this season with everything that has gone on.
Thank you for all your support for the team this season.'