Frank's thinking of giving up his day job

Congratulations this week to Mr Frank Lampard for becoming the world’s first footballer to have his own personal TV channel, imaginatively called ‘FrankTV’. Those unlucky enough to subscribe to Orange mobile contracts can now suffer through 50 minutes of Frank “at home, with team-mates and at training” on their 3G phones. Particular highlights in this first thrilling installment (more are threatened throughout the season) include scenes of Frank wrapping Christmas presents, Frank playing with dogs and Frank cooking Brussels sprouts. Now we at STT have heard of some masturbatory and self-indulgent projects in our time (Tom Hanks’ Castaway anyone?) but surely this takes the crown?!

Future program ideas include:

• “Frank’s rub-n-tug tour” where he highlights the best ‘massage’ parlours in poor European countries
• “Frank’s ulti-burger van” where attempts to cram, and subsequently eat, as many cooked fillings between two halves of a bap as physically possible
• “Frank’s invisibility challenge” where he offers his own personal take on the ‘Where’s Wally?’ series, but throughout the entirity of Chelsea’s Champions League campaign
• "Frank on gangs", where Frank emulates everyone's favourite sausage-in-a-shirt Grant (or is it Phil) Mitchell, as he explores the seedy underworld of criminal gangs. He finds out that nobody in his family has ever been connected with organised crime. Not even Frank Snr. Or his uncle Harry
  
• "Frank on Crank" where he gets hooked on Meth-amphetamines and ends up having to 'service' wierdos under various West London bridges to pay for the habit. Co-hosted by Fergie from the Black Eyes Peas and featuring Rio Ferdinand in a mentor role