I Need Japanese Steel

Thanks to The Spoiler for the heads up on this story, which kind of puts one of Joey Barton’s recent indiscretions into perspective a bit. Last year, former Werder Bremen heartthrob Thorsten Legat got into a little spot of bother outside a McDonalds, and rather than take the Barton punching route, he decided that things had escalated way past the stage where fists would suffice.

Legat was allegedly in his car with his wife when he was threatened by a group of ruffians, who clearly did not realize that the man is built like an army transport vehicle. Well, one thing lead to another, and Legat pulled a samurai sword from his boot! Quite why he was carrying an actual sword is up for debate, but what is clear is that in the ensuing row he managed to somehow injure the head of one of the hoodies. Since yesterday he was forced to pay 1,000 Euros in compensation, he presumably didn’t actually cut the pikey’s head off…

Someone Give Gazza a Job

Paul Gascoigne isn't getting better. The Sun reported yesterday that he had been acting suicidally, phoning hotel room service for a steak, but then cancelling it and asking them to bring just the knife. After this alerted hotel staff, the police arrived, to find Gazza unsuccessfully attempting to drown himself in the bath and he was detained under the mental health act for the second time in 3 months.

Much has been made of Gazza's recent red hair, which he shaved off (or was shaved off for him) after a boozy weekend. The tabloids have been making the obvious comparison to Britney Spears, who we all know has been nuttier than squirrel shit over the past year, although this may be the biggest insult of them all for Gazza. You wouldn't find him attacking reporters, flashing his genitals, or having stormy relationships would you? Oh. Still, it's a sorry state of affairs that one of the most exciting and likeable players I have seen play is being compared to a tabloid fueled train-wreck. What can be done to remedy this?

It has been said that the great man was happiest playing football and this theory does seem to hold water. So STT is putting a shout out - which manager wants to give Gazza a job? Come on, he may be 40, but I'm sure he could have scored a couple for Farsley Celtic this year. He would also provide an excellent anti-role model for younger players, in the same way they used to put people in the stocks to dissuade others from committing crimes. Gazza's spell at Boston United a few years ago maybe wasn't the most productive for either player or manager, seeing him disciplined for drinking 37 times in 39 days. This was probably because of the boring nightlife in Lincolnshire, so the alternative was just to be constantly smashfaced. We reckon that the best place for Gazza is one with a low standard of football and a thriving binge-drinking culture. Somewhere like Notts County would suit, where the football is barely professional and the pubs are built on top of each other.

Insanity is Hel

With Gazza still languishing under padded lock and key, it’s pretty sad to see another former Premier League star from the same era currently facing similar treatment. Ex-Arsenal winger Glenn Helder was this last weekend committed into the De Waag mental health instiution in his native Holland, having been recently diagnosed with “a Narcissistic personality disorder with hints of borderline” while in prison for gun possession and assault.

Helder’s tale is ultimately a tragic one, despite starting so brightly in the Ajax youth system, and impressing at fellow Eredivisie side Vitesse Arnhem to earn a dream move to Arsenal early in 1995. His time at Arsenal was patchy to say the least, and as the final signing under George Graham, found himself left out in the cold somewhat under Arsene Wenger. Marc Overmars was soon brought in by the Frenchman to essentially replace Helder, and from there, the slippery slide began. At the time, club captain Tony Adams was an alcoholic, and Paul Merson was addicted to drink, drugs and gambling, but it was reportedly Ian Wright who introduced Helder to the life of luxury, clubbing till all hours and shopping on New Bond Street. “Ian has shown me everything that's good and where it happens,” Helder enthusiastically told The Guardian at the time. The Dutchman also bought a top-of-the-range BMW while his debts started to mount: “Gambling caused 50 per cent of my misery,” he told Dutch magazine Vrij Nederland. “The other 50 per cent? Not being able to say no.”

Following a brief and unspectacular loan spell at Benfica, Helder moved to Dutch club NAC Breda permanently and it was here where he reportedly started to suffer from mental problems, even admitting to a failed suicide attempt when gambling debts spiraled out of control. The early years of this millenium were further defined by instability for Helder, who strangely enjoyed spells in China and Hungary before officially ending his career at third-tier Dutch outfit RBC Roosendaal. Still however, the gambling problems continued, and he became more famous for underwhelming performances on Channel 5’s Late-night Poker than for any rose-tinted football memories. Occasionally he still dabbled with Masters Football for Arsenal, and even made a bizarre return to the side to play against Ajax in Dennis Bergkamp’s testimonial, but all the while his personal life was getting increasingly out of hand.

The flashpoint came in the summer last year though when he was arrested for making threats to an ex-girlfriend and attacking her current partner. During the ensuing kerfuffle, a concealed weapon was revealed, and last September he was imprisoned pending psychiatric evaluation. There had been rumours for years of Helder suffering from severe paranoia, and carrying a gun as protection from out-of-pocket creditors, but with this recent diagnosis it looks like the ex-pro will be at least safe on lockdown for some time now. As with so many players of this era, close friends have blamed his downfall on being surrounded by the wrong kind of advisors during his career, and simply not being able to keep hold of his money. It goes without saying that STT’s thoughts are all with the clearly troubled Dutchman, and we hope that he makes a full recovery soon. When you get out, have a bong and a blitz on us Glenn.

50 Things you didn't Know About Gazza

1) One hour after playing for England, met 'showbiz pals' Danny Baker and Chris Evans in a Hampstead pub while still wearing his full kit... boots included.

2) When asked for his nationality before an operation, told the nurse: "Church Of England."

3) On a trip to London, jumped out of his car to demand "a go" on a workman's pneumatic drill. After getting the go-ahead, happily pounded the pavement to the amusement of shoppers.

4) On first meeting with Lazio's president to discuss his big-money move to the Italian club, was quick to tell the esteemed gentleman that he reminded him of Bud Abbot.

5) Organisers of Italia 90 TV coverage had the splendid idea of augmenting team line-ups with film of each player mouthing his own name. Gascoigne's genius led him to subvert the process by, instead, mouthing 'F***ing W***ker'. The BBC had to use it all the way through the tournament.

6) Booked a series of sun-bed sessions for then-Newcastle team-mate Tony Cunningham. Who, of course, is black.

7) Asked by a Norwegian camera crew if he had a message for England's upcoming opponents, immediately responded with, "Yes. F**k off Norway." Then ran off laughing.

8) Turned up for England training the morning after then-manager Bobby Robson had called him "daft as a brush" with a floor brush sticking out of his sock.

9) When asked for a footballing comment while at Lazio, burped enthusiastically into a TV microphone. He was fined £39,000.

10) Decided it would be a great idea to have massive hair extensions. Looked a fool and had them taken out a day later.

11) After paying for ex-wife Sheryl's breasts implants, sent flowers to the hospital after the operation addressed to 'Dolly Parton'.

12) Astounded commuters in London by jumping on a double-decker in London's Piccadilly Circus and asking if he could have a drive. The bus driver said yes, and the passengers thoroughly enjoyed Gazza's impromptu performance.

13) Sent a rose to the Wimbledon dressing room for Vinnie Jones after the infamous ball-squeezing incident. Got a toilet brush in return.

14) Set up best mate Jimmy 'Five Bellies' Gardner with a 'girl' he knew to be a transvestite.

15) Has taken the p*** out of refs constantly during his career. On one occasion he sniffed a hapless ref's armpit while he was holding his hand high to signal a free kick.

16) Undeterred by their frosty reactions, Gazza again tried to prove that refs have a sense of humour by yellow-carding the referee after the official had dropped his card during a Rangers v Hibs game. He was booked for his troubles.

17) While attempting to deflect the 'kebab controversy' which spelled the beginning of the end of his England career, assured reporters that his doner-munching antics following Middlesbrough's promotion to the Premiership would in no way affect his fitness before France 98. One reporter asked: "What do you feel like now?" Back came the inevitable response: "I feel like a kebab with onions."

18) As an apprentice desperate to impress then-Newcastle boss Jack Charlton, spent a week's money on fishing gear and begged the famous angler to give him a lesson. On arrival at the riverbank, Charlton promptly threw all but the rod out into the briny, then poured a bottle of Newcastle Brown into the water, dipped in the rod and within seconds was pulling out a whopper. Lesson over.

19) As 'perk' of boot-cleaning duties during his apprenticeship, took Kevin Keegan's Golas home to show his mates. But left them on the Newcastle Underground.

20) When playing for England against Belgium in Italia 90, ridiculed Enzo Scifo as he lay on the ground clutching his leg. Gazza thought he was play-acting, so did a mime of his own which involved hopping on one leg with his tongue lolling out.

21) His attempt to jet off to Libya with Middlesbrough for a post-season tour was hampered by the fact he'd left his passport at home. An emotional Gazza wept at the check-in desk until a minion was despatched to bring it to the airport.

22) Celebrated his new-found hero status after flying home from Italia 90 by wearing a huge pair of fake plastic boobs and stomach bearing the legend 'Gazza'.

23) On meeting the president of Denmark's FA, pretended he could speak Danish. When invited to demonstrate, imitated The Muppet Show's Swedish Chef.

24) Conned Five Bellies into eating a mince pie after he'd scraped out the filling and replaced it with cat excrement.

25) Walked into the Middlesbrough canteen wearing nothing but his training socks and ordered lunch.

26) Paid £320 for a Mars Bar in a newsagents in his home town of Dunston, then told the shop owner to spend the change on sweets for local kids.


27) Whilst dining in the prestigious Bedford Arms Hotel in Woburn with a few of his Geordie mates, decided to place his erect member on the shoulder of a diner at the next table. Thinking someone had tapped him on the shoulder the gentleman turned his head only to have Gazza's helmet prod him in the cheek.

28) Took a documentary team to a beautiful Scottish cottage which he informed them was his new place, pretended he'd forgotten his key and knocked instead. When the door opened, told the befuddled housewife inside that he was doing a telly advert and wanted to know if she preferred Daz or Omo.

29) Crashed Middlesbrough's team bus at the club's training ground and caused £310,000 worth of damage.

30) While at Rangers, urinated over sleeping team-mate Richard Gough.

31) Handed £1000 over to Jimmy Five Bellies after betting that the burly boozer couldn't withstand a cigarette lighter's heat on the bridge of his nose for five seconds. Jimmy could. Twice.

32) After briefly giving up drinking, was advised to find a new interest. Picked bingo.

33) Bought a £1000 robot and programmed it to travel into Jimmy Five Bellies' room at Gazza Towers and announce: "Make a cup of tea, fat man."

34) Stuck his tongue out when the TV cameras panned past him during the national anthem at Italia 90.

35) Prepared for England matches during that hugely important tournament by playing marathon games of tennis in the scorching midday sun.

36) Thought it would be appropriate to wear a blue fright wig before the 1991 FA Cup Final.

37) In his time, has agreed to dress as a Roman centurion, a clown, Oliver Hardy and Braveheart for 'photo opportunities'.

38) While his Italia 90 team-mate was the hero of Hillsborough, marched into a Sheffield barbers and demanded "a Waddle cut".

39) When Gazza signed for Spurs in 1988, he came down to finalise the deal with a bunch of his Geordie mates. They took over the posh hotel in Hadley Wood where Spurs were footing the bill and wreaked havoc. Gazza met then-chairman Irving Scholar and began talks by saying, "We'd like to thank you for the best three days of our lives."

40) Asked to leave West Lodge Park Hotel in London after guests were treated to the sight of a naked Five Bellies swimming across the duck pond.

41) On his first night in Rome after signing for Lazio, gave his minder the slip, put his shoes by an open window and hid in a cupboard. The minder thought he'd committed suicide.

42) Recorded a video message for a corporate party and signed off with a cheery "Happy Christmas, you f***ing w***ers".

43) Greeted reporters in Rome by standing up, asking for silence, then farting at ear-splitting volume.

44) Told an interviewer that he was so superstitious about the number 13 that he couldn't ever bear to see the numbers 4 and 9 together. Oddly, the combination of 5 and 8 was deemed OK.

45) Shredded England team-mate Dennis Wise's Armani suit "for a laugh".

46) While staying at a Scottish hotel, drove across its golf course in his four-wheel drive Jeep.

47) While reputation preceded him in Italy, the English language did not. Hence, his Lazio debut was marked by a banner which read:
'Gazza's Boys, We Are Here. Shake Your Women And Drink Your Beer'.

48) Conversely, rival Italian supporters once hailed him with a banner which stated bluntly: 'Paul Gazza, You Are Fat Poofta'.

49) After being sent off while playing for Lazio, shook hands with virtually every member of the Genoa side.

50) While staying in a New Zealand hotel, was told there was no bacon for breakfast. Replied, "What, all the sheep in this country and there's no bloody bacon!"

Gazza Detained under the Mental Health Act

News just in of yet another pretty tragic state of affairs for football, this week involving one of England’s few true footballing geniuses, Paul Gascoigne. The former Newcastle, Spurs and Lazio prodigy was arrested at the Hilton Hotel in Gateshead last night, and instead of being held in custody, was actually sectioned under the Mental Health Act. For this to happen to the most gifted English player of his generation is so sad that we will forgo the standard witty repartee and not even post any clips to the relevant Peep Show episode. We'll link to them instead.

Police arrived at the hotel yesterday evening after receiving a report of concern for a 40-year-old man staying at the hotel, however nothing was damaged and no-one was injured during the incident. The Mental Health Act is only invoked when a person is considered to be a danger to themselves or to others, but as yet no further specifics have been released to the press.

Undoubtedly one of the most individually talented players to ever come from these shores, Gazza unfortunately always had a self-destruct button, and scuppered what could have been perhaps one of the most successful careers in history with moments of severe emotional instability and erratic behaviour, both on and off the field. He was famously dubbed “daft as a brush” by former England manager Bobby Robson at the 1990 World Cup in Italy, and rose to national fame after crying in the semi-final of that tournament when he thought he would miss the final due to suspension.

Consistently in the news throughout his career, journalists seemed to spot the intrinsic vulnerabilty of his party lifestyle and take advantage of it to sell newspapers, casting him as Hero and then Villain almost weekly. Like David Beckham in more recent memory, he couldn’t stay out of the spotlight however hard he tried, and every one of Gazza’s weaknesses was laid bare for all to see. Most famously, he was crucified for going on a wild drinking session with fellow England team-mates in the build-up to the 1996 European Championships, but answered those critics with a sensational goal against Scotland in the tournament at Wembley. Ever the joker, he even celebrated by mimicking the infamous “dentist chair'” drinking game he had been caught playing:

Sky News sports correspondant Jon Desborough said that this arrest was just the latest example of “the demons he has had to deal with throughout his life,” and today’s news is perhaps not that surprising to many people. It comes under a year after Gascoigne was arrested first for an alleged assault outside a Liverpool city centre hotel, second for fighting a nightclub bouncer, and finally a third time after accusations that he racially abused a photographer. Last year he was also shockingly sacked from managing Nationwide Conference North club Kettering after being “under the influence of alcohol before, during and after several first-team games and training sessions,” according to club chairman Imraan Ladak. After this dismissal, he told Sky News: “Two years ago, I would have given in. But now, I'm stronger. I'm the man, I'm a genius and I know what goes on on a football field.”

Couldn’t have put it better myself, but that makes it all the more sadder that we might never see Gascoigne as the man we remember again. Peep him at his sublime best here:

UPDATE: Gazza is now on suicide watch and more details have emerged about his 2 month long stay in a hotel, surrounded by drink, drugs and electronic parrots, that he'd taught to say 'fuck off'. It would be funny if it wasn't so sad.