Table of Fury

Pop quiz hotshot: what do Premier League stars do with their 23 hours of free-time a day? Learn to read? Libelous but probably true. Test-drive sports cars? Unfortunately yes. Go whoring? Oh, most definitely. Play table tennis?? YES!

That’s right, the game affectionately known as ‘ping-pong’ is the recreational activity of choice for many current and former professional footballers, and last night at London’s illustrious Albert Hall, Glenn Hoddle, John Barnes and Reading midfielder James Harper joined part-time triple-jumper, full-time evangelist Jonathan Edwards in a celebrity charity challenge. The event was a special treat for all those table tennis aficionados who trekked over to this country for the Dunlop Masters, the ‘World Cup’ of ping-pong if you will.

Obviously table tennis is a sweet sport (limited physical exercise, you get to hit stuff with bats) but it seems strange that footballers have taken to it the way they have, with most top flight clubs these days offering tables at their training grounds. According to Rio Ferdinand, perhaps the Premier League’s most vocal fan, the table tennis contests that take place after training sessions are no less competitive than the actual football itself. Good to hear that the £100k a week isn’t being wasted on trivialities and these guys have to really work for it then.

I, of course, jest because like brother-from-another-mother Rio, I too enjoy a game of ping-pong, so cynicism goes out the window on this one. According to the intrepid Times sports writers, many footballers have genuinely reached a pretty high standard despite any sort of formal training whatsoever. Unsurprisingly David Nugent is top of the Portsmouth pile; a touch unfair maybe given the amount of time he has to practise compared to some of the club’s actual players. Long-term Arsenal injury Robin van Persie was also singled out as something of a ping-pong prodigy, encouraging one overly-enthusiastic onlooker to ejaculate: “The Arsenal striker combines formidable power with lightning reflexes… he would have reached international level had he chosen a different path in life!”

It goes without saying though that Rio fancies himself as the league top gun and has reportedly even had a huge tattoo of a large monkey with a bat saying “King Ping-Pong” etched over his entire back. His main competition is reportedly Cristiano Ronaldo, and the United dressing room is currently split by their allegiance to one or the other. Alas Rio wasn’t able to back up his big words at last night’s throw-down as Alex Ferguson had to step in: “The management won’t allow me to come down because we have games Saturday and Wednesday and obviously training every day in between,” Rio sobbed. “I’m gutted because I like a game of TT and was hoping to come and put a few people in their places.” Another time then, we all look forward to it. Perhaps the English players could make use of their time off during this summer’s European Championships to host their own charity ping-pong tournament, that’d be fun wouldn’t it!

So finally, what exactly is it that specifically attracted Rio to the game in the first place you might ask? He had these illuminating words for us this morning: “the size of the ball makes me feel like I’m a giant, it’s great!” Er, thanks Rio.

FA Cup Quarter Finals - Giants Now Extinct

You don’t need me to tell you what an incredible weekend for football this has been; pick your own cliché but we really did see the rebirth of cup magic on Saturday evening as one of the greatest upsets of all time took place in Yorkshire. To the glory of all neutrals around the world, including one would imagine a certain Mr Mourinho, struggling Championship side Barnsley did the impossible and beat Chelsea 1 – 0 at Oakwell. Don’t think for one minute though the Tykes got lucky or robbed the Blues, they thoroughly deserved the win as they did up at Anfield a couple of weeks ago. With only Cech and Drogba absent from what would be Avram Grant’s strongest 11, Chelsea would’ve expected to cruise through to the semi-finals, especially buoyed on by Manchester United’s shock exit earlier that day, but despite early pressure not once did they force 5^th round hero Luke Steele into making a save in the Barnsley goal.

Joe Cole looked to be the only Chelsea forward remotely interested in the first half, causing problems with some direct running and tricky dribbling, but with no-one else on his wave-length, attacks seemed to consistently break down in the final third of the pitch. Time and time again Barnsley defenders threw themselves on any sign of danger, snuffing out several half-hearted Anelka attempts as they themselves grew into the game and felt comfortable amongst Chelsea’s multi-millionaires. The break-through came for the Tykes just after the hour-mark, with striker Kayode Odejayi climbing above Carlo Cudicini to nod in a beautifully stood-up Devaney cross and shock the Premier League big boys with only his second goal of the season. Following the goal Chelsea seemed to wake up a touch, but were still unable to convert their almost exclusive possession into a clear cut chance as Barnsley got everyone behind the ball and dug in to the final whistle. Fingers have been pointed at Avram Grant for his team selection and motivational techniques but at the end of the day surely the buck has to stop with the players? For supposedly world-class footballers, no-one on the Chelsea side can really hold their head up today after what was a flat, passionless and downright embarrassing performance; if the likes of Malouda, Anelka, Wright-Phillips, Kalou and Pizarro were half as good as they clearly think they are then this should’ve been a walkover. Take nothing away from Barnsley though, to a man they were outstanding. Special kudos go out to Hassell, Kozluk and Adejayi, all were simply immense in the face of such a gulf in reputation and salary.

On any other day the headline would’ve undoubtedly been at Old Trafford though, where Portsmouth recorded their first win against United in Manchester for 51 years through a late Sulley Muntari penalty. Flying high after advancing past Lyon in the Champions League midweek, Man United came out of the blocks fast and often threatened in a dominating first half performance that saw Pompey’s resolute defence severely tested several times. After just 6 minutes Cristiano Ronaldo latched onto a lovely pass from Rooney to drive past Hreidesson into the Portsmouth penalty area, only to be upended by the covering Sylvain Distin. Ronaldo and Ferguson were especially livid when the referee waved play on, and in retrospect one might perhaps expect a penalty to be awarded, but Distin’s challenge was shoulder-to-shoulder and he simply out-muscled the United speedster. Heroics a few minutes later from Sol Campbell and Glen Johnson kept Rooney and then Tevez out in quick succession, and with the scores level at halftime Pompey started to feel confident with the ball at their feet finally.

Still United created chances though, with Ronaldo getting increasingly frustrated as shots from him and Tevez dribbled wide of the Portsmouth goal. Substitute Michael Carrick was fed by a superb back-heel by the Portuguese twinkletoes on 67 minutes, but having rounded the keeper was tackled on the line by Distin rebounding the ball precariously around the 6-yard area until David James was able to pounce on it. Patrice Evra then saw a rasping drive pushed onto the post miraculously by James as Pompey started to feel that maybe it wasn’t going to be United’s day, finding more and more space in their opponent’s half as they pushed for a smash-and-grab winner. With less than 15 minutes remaining, Krancjar broke away down the right and was able to feed in Milan Baros, only for the Czech striker to be brought down by substitute keeper Tomas Kuszczak and a penalty was awarded. With Kuszczak himself already on for the injured van der Sar, United were forced to put Rio Ferdinand in goal for not the first time in his career following Kuszczak’s red card, but the professional merker was powerless to stop Muntari blasting his spotkick into the corner of the net. United felt robbed after the game, with uncharacteristic histrionics from Alex Ferguson and Carlos Quiroz directed at the referee, but the fact of the matter is that Pompey played superbly throughout, with Diarra, Muntari and Johnson especially worthy of praise. Like Arsene Wenger, why is the Red’s boss unable to be gracious in defeat and just admit they were beaten fair and square?

And still the upsets kept coming. Never ones to be outdone, Cardiff decided to get in on the giant-killing act too over Sunday lunchtime, totally embarrassing a hapless Middlesbrough team on their own turf. Inspired by ex-Boro star Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink, the Bluebirds stamped their authority on the tie right from the first whistle, and not once did Middlesbrough look like the higher-ranked team as Cardiff created defensive confusion every time they attacked in the opening 45 minutes. A sublime individual goal from Peter Whittingham put the Championship side ahead early on, with clever footwork carving a shooting opportunity despite being surrounded by 4 Boro players. The second came not long after as the excellent defender Johnson headed past Schwarzer after being left completely free at the back post. Gareth Southgate must’ve wanted to trot on himself after watching cross after cross fly dangerously into the Boro box, and in all honesty the Premier League side were lucky to not be 4 – 0 down at halftime.

The introduction of every buffet’s nightmare, Mido, after the break did little for Boro’s aspirations and in the full 90 minutes they depressingly managed just the one shot on target. Overall the performance was flat and lazy, with some of the most wasteful passing and striking you’ll see this year. As with Barnsley before them, every Cardiff player was a hero at the Riverside but worthy of particular mention were Scottish right-back McNoughton, McPhail in the midfield, and 17-year-old Liverpool target Aaron Ramsey down the left flank.

So, on the back of three games and three upsets, anticipation was understandably high at the Memorial Ground in Bristol early Sunday evening as Rovers aimed to make it four out of four for the lower league clubs. Alas it wasn’t to be however, despite a spiriting showing from the home team that the final scoreline severely betrays. The Baggies went ahead early on when James Morrison pounced on a parry from Rovers keeper Steve Phillips, after he failed to properly deal with Roman Bednar's straight-forward toe-poke, and from that moment you just felt West Brom relax and take control. Ishmael Miller doubled the lead shortly afterwards with a cracking left-foot shot having drifted in off his right wing, but the home side’s heads didn’t drop and they bagged a scrappy goal themselves shortly after to keep the dream alive. As pressure built towards the end of the first half, Miller broke away and looked certain to restore the two goal advantage, but he comically lost his footing after rounding the stranded goalkeeper.

Rovers started the second period brightly as the crowd whipped up a riot to spurn their side on to snatch an equaliser, but with Dean Kiley in the West Brom goal having to make few actual saves, the semi-finals looked to be just a round to far for the Pirates. A Hinton mistake at the back gifted Miller his second of the game, and with Tony Mowbrey affording the luxury of bringing Zoltan Gera and Kevin Phillips off the bench with twenty minutes left, Rovers never really got back in the game. A late poach from Phillips, and a measured strike from Miller to complete his hat-trick, make the game look like a rout but Bristol Rovers did themselves proud to keep their heads high in the city that could well be hosting top flight games next season for the first time in more than thirty years.

So the FA Cup is well and truly up for grabs then now, with all four remaining teams definitely feeling that they have a realistic chance of winning it. Obviously Portsmouth are the clear favourites, but given how things have gone this year who’s to bet against the first lower tier team since XXX taking home the famous old silverware. It’s been a great competition for the neutral so far, and without doubt for once football truly has been the winner with 3 Championship sides making up 4 of the semi-finalists. I wonder what our good friend Barney Ronay has to say about his glorious Premier League now?

One quick gripe though: why must the semi-finals also be played at Wembley now? Doesn’t that kind of detract from the magic of the stadium and the thrill of that first time appearance in the stadium for a final? The journey is to Wembley, so why shoot your metaphorical load early by playing there in the semis too?

(Well obviously because the stadium went millions over budget and the FA are happy to do anything to recoup it all as soon as possible, but that’s beside the point.)

Here's the draw for the men's semis:

Barnsley vs. Cardiff City

West Bromwich Albion vs. Portsmouth

STT just watched the draw with Match of the Day 2 presenter and Baggies fan Adrian Chiles and he was not a happy chappie. He had this to say:

'Fuck! Bollocks! I'm going home.'

You Try Telling Them the FA Cup’s Dead!

A little while ago you might remember us having a bit of a rant at a certain Guardian website writer who thought that the Championship was essentially shite. Well Mr Ronay, if it is that bad then how come there are more sides from lower leagues still in the FA Cup than from your glorious Premier League? How come Liverpool then, who are 5^th in the top flight at the moment, have struggled against Luton and Havant & Waterlooville, before finally succumbing to that footballing behemoth that is Barnsley, at Anfield, this past weekend??

Let’s not take anything away from the Tykes though, they were outstanding and deserve all the praise in the world. Their approach was fearless, their effort unrelenting and their finishing was ultimately more clinical than the 2005 Champions League winners. Many of you I’m sure will have heard many Arsenal affiliates whinging about Nani disrespecting them on Saturday, but what’s more disrespectful than not starting the game with the likes of Pepe Reina and Steven Gerrard on the field, and then not even including Fernando Torres amongst the substitutes? Liverpool deserve all the criticism, both on the pitch and off, that they are getting at the moment, and with Inter Milan tomorrow night, this could be the week that they finally accept they are at crisis point. For Barnsley, debut goalkeeper Luke Steele was absolutely out of this world, producing save after save, including one from Yossi Benayoun that is as good as any you’ll see this season. It was captain Brian Howard though who was the last minute hero, bagging the winner after 90 minutes had ticked past by beating second string goalkeeper Charles Itandje at his near post. This came just seconds after Barnsley were denied a certain penalty in front of the Kop when Sami Hyypia actually grabbed Howard’s leg to stop him shooting. The referee, Martin Atkinson, bottled what would’ve obviously been a pretty unpopular decision, but thankfully justice was done 30 seconds later!

Accompanying Barnsley into this afternoon’s draw are fellow Championship sides Sheffield United (who drew with Middlesbrough), Cardiff (2 – 0 victors over Wolves, including a cracking Jimmy Floyd goal) and West Brom (comfortably beat Coventry 5 – 0), while League One side Bristol Rovers are also through after beating higher ranked opposition in Southampton (1 – 0) over Saturday lunchtime. Preston too almost produced a shock result at home to Portsmouth, but Pompey’s blushes were spared late on at Deepdale after the Championship side had dominated the game for large periods of time. With David James forced to make several world class saves (including one from the penalty spot) in the second half, Preston seemed to already be thinking about today’s draw when Niko Krancjar whipped in a speculative last minute corner, only for it to be deflected into his own net by Darren Carter.

More assured however were Chelsea, playing hosts to mid-table League One outfit Huddersfield in a game that saw the return of John Terry and also Frank Lampard breaking the 100 goal barrier for the Blues. Despite a gaping hole down the middle of the field where Lampard and Sidwell were supposed to be, and the handicap that is Claudio Pizarro on from the start, Chelsea never really looked in trouble as Huddersfield chased shadows for most of the game. Former Irish revolutionary Michael Collins equalized for the Terriers before halftime after Lampard’s mile-stone finish had put the expectant Blues fans at ease, but in the second half Chelsea simply had too much, with Lampard doubling his tally before bench-warmer Salamon Kalou put the result beyond doubt with 20 minutes to go.

And so to Old Trafford, and the pick of the round. The winners of this game could perhaps rightly assume that they would go all the way to Wembley in May, but for a side that supposedly takes the FA Cup seriously, Arsenal were shambolic to the extent of embarrassment. Manchester United clearly had something to prove after two drab performances back to back in the league, but even Alex Ferguson couldn’t have predicted a response like this. Kudos first to Carrick, Nani and Anderson, all were outstanding, but if ever you wonder if England have a true world class player, then Wayne Rooney delivered a masterclass in forward play, running Toure and Gallas in circles before being taken off with Lyon on Wednesday in mind. His performance epitomized his reputation; pugnacious, vitriolic and passionate, lifting both player and fan alike as he took the fight to the current Premier League leaders. There are few positives however for Arsene Wenger, as his team’s discipline vanished before halftime. They were wasting possession, losing their men at set pieces and even had Emmanuel Eboue sent off for a chest-high kick on Patrice Evra. They simply could not handle Nani all game, but as the score rapidly rose, so did his confidence, with trick after trick coming out of the locker to further goad the frustrated Gunners. Subsequently most of the team tried to break the Portuguese winger in half, while at the other end of the field, Emmanuel Adebayor’s sole contribution was a desperate dive for a penalty that he should actually be ashamed of; although booked for the crime, surely in those more obvious instances, a straight red would be appropriate?

So here’s how they line up in the quarter-finals then, ties to be played over the weekend of 8^th/9^th March…

Manchester United v Portsmouth

Barnsley v Chelsea

Bristol Rovers v West Bromich Albion

Sheffield United or Middlesbrough v Cardiff

While it’s great that they’ll be at least one lower league team in the semi-finals, let’s at least try and avoid another Manchester United v Chelsea final please everyone!

FA Cup Roundup - Round 3

This weekend was a real reminder of just how special the FA Cup can be, with so many thrilling matches featuring lower league opposition really trying the giant killing hat on for size. I won’t bore you by listing the scores of the all Premier League matches, or even those lower league confrontations that went the way of the higher placed team, but will instead just walk you through some of the more unexpected results that really showed just how little salary and reputation count for when the FA Cup rolls around.

Oldham 1 – 0 Everton

After James Vaughn and James McFadden squandered chances to put the Premier League outfit ahead early on, Gary McDonald unleashed a spectacular 25-yard wondergoal to win the tie. The second half was tight, but a superhuman display of resilience from John Sheridan's side kept the Merseysiders out, despite Yakubu hitting the post late on, to seal the historic victory.

Bolton 0 - 1 Sheffield United

Bolton rested seven regulars, including hitman Anelka, but take nothing away from Sheffield United who dominated the game from the outset. Australian Dave Carney bagged the winner for the Blades just before halftime and they were more than worth their win over the 90 minutes. Bolton had chances late on safe the round but committed defence from United secured the result.

Blackburn 1 - 4 Coventry

No, that score does not flatter Coventry, as they delivered their performance of the season against a fairly strong Blackburn side, currently flying high in the Premier League. Talk of the town is once again Michael Mifsud, as his brace secured the win for Iain Dowie’s men. As did David Moyes, Mark Hughes commendably made no excuses for his side’s loss, offering well deserved kudos to Coventry.

Huddersfield 2 – 1 Birmingham

An incredible moment for Chris Brandon as he scored the winner just 9 minutes from time to shock Premier League Birmingham in a game that was frantic and riveting from start to finish. After equalising just after Huddersfield got the opener, Birmingham nearly went 2 – 1 ahead, but a linesman’s flag stopped the celebrations prematuraly. Then, with a replay looming, Brandon pulled free at the backpost, and his sweet volley sends the league 1 outfit marching on. The textbook mascot celebration that followed was undoubtedly the STT highlight of the round.

Swansea 1 – 1 Havant & Waterlooville (replay Wednesday January 16^th)

And the Havant go marching on, but they left it late at Swansea, with Rocky Baptista’s (amazing name by the way) equaliser coming just 3 minutes from time. The scrappy but passionate game came alive with 25 minutes to go as Swansea took the lead, but following a bloody mass-brawl both sides were left to play the last portion of the game with 10 men each. As Swansea defenders Austin and Orlandi tangled up with each other, Baptista snuck in on 87 minutes to expertly drill the equaliser past keeper De Vries.

Derby 2 – 2 Sheffield Wednesday (replay Tuesday January 15^th)

After 25 minutes Wednesday were in dreamland, two goals up away at Derby and completely running the show, but equalisers from Miller and the in-form Barnes spared further despair for the Rams. The gulf in fitness was undoubtedly a factor in the second half, and as the game got stretched Derby dominated possession, but Wednesday stood firm to earn themselves another bite at the metaphorical apple in 8 days time.

Fulham 2 – 2 Bristol Rovers (replay Tuesday January 15^th)

Struggling Fulham twice came from behind to stay in the cup against an impressive Rovers side who nearly lived up to their pirate nickname at Craven Cottage. Equalisers from Healy and then Murphy saved the Premier League side’s blushes but you can be certain that they are not relishing the return leg in Bristol next week.

Luton 1 – 1 Liverpool (replay Tuesday January 15^th)

In 2006, a phenomenal match-up between the sides saw Liverpool fight back from 3 – 1 down to win 5 – 3. This didn’t have the same number of goals, and Alonso failed to repeat scoring from inside his own half, but the game was as frantic and hard-fought as its predecessor. When Crouch put Liverpool ahead it looked like game over, but extensive Luton pressure forced John Arne Riise to score at the wrong end to gift Luton an awesome return leg at Anfield.

Stoke City 1 – 1 Newcastle (replay Wednesday January 16^th)

The last game of the round and a true cup spectacle for the neutral at the Britannia, as fourth-placed Championship side Stoke did everything but score against a desolate Newcastle side, lacking not only in creativity but passion as well. If not for the second half heroics of Steven Taylor and Shay Given, this would’ve already been decided, but now you can’t help but fear that Stoke may have missed their chance. Don’t listen to Allerdyce’s claims that they ran the game, the Magpies were hapless, and a weekend trip to Old Trafford before the replay could see them there for the taking on their own soil a week on Wednesday.

Special mentions:

Hearty back-patting must also go out to lowest-ranked side in the round Chasetown, who put up a valiant performance against a strong Cardiff side, eventually going down 1 – 3, despite scoring first.

Further hand-shaking to a resilient Burnley team who gave Arsenal a run for their money, even after having a man unjustly sent off early in the second half.

Round 4 Draw (ties to be played over the weekend of January 26/27)

Arsenal v Stoke City/Newcastle
Coventry v Walsall/Millwall
Oldham v Huddersfield Town
Swindon/Barnet v Fulham/Bristol Rovers
Wigan v Chelsea
Luton/Liverpool v Swansea/Havant & Waterlooville
Southend v Barnsley
Southampton v Norwich/Bury
Man Utd v Tottenham/Reading
Portsmouth v Plymouth
Derby/Sheff Wed v Preston
Watford v Wolves
Peterborough v Charlton/West Brom
Sheff Utd v West Ham/Man City
Mansfield v Middlesbrough
Tranmere/Hereford v Cardiff

Nice trip to Portsmouth there for Plymouth, while Sheffield United await the winners of West Ham and Manchester City. Picks of the round though are the great potential rewards for Havant & Waterlooville or Stoke City, while uber-giant killers Oldham and Huddersfield have unfortunately drawn each other…

Giant Killings (sort of) and More Woe for Martin Cornelius Jol

More like normal-sized-person killings by midgets, but still, let’s not take anything away from those teams through to the second round of the Carling Cup. Now a lot of people may think this is somewhat of a darts trophy, and many Championship sides are more than happy to lose as early as possible to ‘concentrate on the league,’ but a win is a win. It also underlines my long-held belief that there really is very little difference in individual quality between the teams populating the three leagues outside of the Premier.
So here are the upsets, everything else went to form with the higher league team advancing:

Peterborough 2 – 1 Southampton
Leyton Orient 2 – 1 Queens Park Rangers
Morecombe 2 – 1 Preston North End
Bristol Rovers 1 – 1 Crystal Palace (Rovers won 4 – 1 on pens)
MK Dons 3 – 3 Ipswich Town (Dons won 5 – 3 on pens)
Rochdale 2 – 2 Stoke City (Rochdale won 4 – 2 on pens)

Big up to everyone involved at Peterborough, Orient, Morecombe, Bristol Rovers, MK Dons and Rochdale.

Also taking place last night was the first Premier League match of Gameweek 2 (check back tomorrow for full report) but since there is actually quite a bit to be said about it, I thought I would take the chance now to go into Tottenham Hotspur vs. Everton in a little more depth. It also gives us the chance to post these incredible photos of Spurs’ pre-season campaign in Orlando where apparently Timmy Mallet was sick over half the squad.


Are 2 losses enough for a manager to be under-pressure? Well, when expectation was as high as it was at Spurs going into this season, I think so. I mean there’s no chance of them sacking Martin Jol anytime soon, but the resounding boos and half empty stadium that greeted the Spurs team after a convincing 1 – 3 defeat will certainly be enough to get everyone thinking.
In a cracking first half, played in appalling conditions, both teams were enterprising and energetic, with many chances at both ends. However, after conceding a third goal just before half time, Spurs came out after the break totally toothless and Everton never looked in trouble, creating chance after chance themselves. Particular praise must go to front four of Everton (A.J., newcomer Anichebe, Osman and the fantastically under-rated Arteta), attacking with great pace and intent even to final whistle.

Spurs though were frustrating as ever, with their four hyped strikers mis-firing once again in a performance that lacked confidence and composure. That huge price tag round Darren Bent’s neck must be starting to feel heavier and heavier with every game, as despite a bright start, he faded into insignificance before being replaced by Defoe on the hour. So where now for Spurs? Yes its still early days, but already there are murmurs of discontent around the Lane. Do they maybe have too many attacking options?

Finally, in other news Rangers scrapped through the first leg of their Champions League qualifier against a team that I can nowhere near pronounce let alone spell (to quote modern-day prophet Dave Lister, it sounds “like a footballer clearing his nose”) last night, with a last gasp winner from substitute (and owner of one of the best names ever) Nacho Novo.