Pick On Someone Your Own Size!

Apologies folks, we’ve let you down; you see, in compiling our ultimate rundown of footballers’ Christmas parties earlier in the week we missed off one vital event. Former Chelsea player Tony Cascarino recalled to The Independent recently what went down in 1991 when amazingly Vinnie Jones was left unchecked to organise things. The location was a West London pub and the theme just a good old fashioned lock in; players only, no other staff, and training pre-emptively cancelled the next day.

So what ace did Vinnie have up his sleeves? A dwarf-tossing contest inside the pub. Yes, you read that right: an inter-team competition to see who could throw a vertically challenged adult the furthest. However, when only two dwarfs walked through the door, Vinnie was unsurprisingly perturbed: “Oi, what's your game? We've paid for three, not two!” One of them replied: “Oh, the other one got injured when he was thrown into a load of chairs at a gig the other day.” That is a sentence I definitely thought I’d never have to type.

The Chelsea boys apparently just cracked up, with a couple reasonably suggesting: “What about Wisey [Dennis Wise] making up the third one!” Anyway, faced with having to accept that explanation, Vinnie pointed at one of the dwarfs and said: “Ere, I fucking recognise you, don't I? You were the one I met when I appeared on that television programme, weren't you?” Apparently he was spot on, as the dwarf replied: “Yes, Vinnie, you were the one who tried to throw me in the water!”

The dwarves’ next step was to erect a bouncy castle, which had a sticky velcro wall, and put a mattress on the floor. They then reportedly strapped themselves into velcro suits and prepared to be, ahem, tossed. Cascarino remembers some of the players having difficulty getting the dwarves to stick to the velcro wall after a couple of jars. “They were heavier than I expected,” he quipped.

Why doesn’t this kind of stuff happen these days still? Damn you health & safety and political correctness!

Oh Fuck Off, It’s Christmas

Inspired by this simply amazing photo of young Giovanni Dos Santos charming all the ladies at Spurs’ recent Christmas bash, we endevoured to dredge through the history books and dig out some of the more famous incidents from the past. Thankfully though, The Mirror had the same idea, so what follows is pretty much just ripped off from them. Still guys, I guess at least someone might read it now eh?

Celtic (2002)

After their 2001 party ended with Neil Lennon unceremoniously smashing his head on a kerb in Glasgow, Celtic decided to head south of the border this year in “an effort to avoid attention.” And it was all going so well too, until that is a load of photographers turned up at up-scale Gateshead eatery Buffalo Joe’s, and Neil Lennon, Bobby Petta, Johan Mjallby and Joos Valgaeren decided it was time to punch someone. Subsequently the four spent the night in police custody.

Leeds (2001)

Remember when Leeds were both full of young British talent and also good? Well if you don’t, it was around this time. On paper this sounds literally perfect – a 10-hour Wild West-themed fancy dress pub crawl – and the execution certainly didn’t disappoint. The club hired five security guards to follow the 30 or so players around the city in an attempt to prevent any trouble, but never fear, you can always count on Robbie Fowler to kick off. He duly cracked a photographer and smashed his camera. Good lad.

West Ham (2001)

I doubt anyone actually knows who Hayden Foxe is, but all you need to know is that he’s ginger and Australian. Anyway, after dropping the best part of £2,000 in the VIP section of London’s Sugar Reed bar, Foxe decided he was too famous to be bound by stupid conventional labels like ‘lounge’ and ‘toilet,’ so promptly took a huge piss all over the bar. Pretty smooth. He was let go by the Hammers soon after.

AGF Arhus (2004)

Stig Tofting is a truly great name, and he more than lived up to its scrapping promise by having a rather good time out with the AGF Arhus lads shortly after joining them. After a mix-up where his shirt got torn, Stig decided the best way to bond with his new team-mates was to start throwing punches. He subsequently knocked four of them spark out. What a legend.

Liverpool (1998)

As STT’s favourite ever photo of Parrott Crouch proves, the Liverpool lads love a good dress-up, and even in the pre-Crouch days they didn’t mess about. A decade ago Jaime Carragher really outdid himself though by dressing as the Hunchback of Notre Dame, covering himself in strippers, and then covering all of them in whipped cream. Incredible. According to a genuine report in the NOTW at the time, Michael Owen just stood uncomfortably in the corner, while Paul Ince chilled out with the DJ looking “concerned.”

Leicester City (2001)

I just love that no-one thought that a Christmas piss-up involving Dennis Wise and Robbie Savage might end badly. It kicked off when Wise allegedly presented Savage with a teddy bear impaled on a dildo and told him: “Take this, because you're the only prick in a Leicester shirt at the moment.” Pretty strange comment, but I think the intent was clear. Not one to back down, Savage responded by smearing chocolate on Wise’s face and suggesting that him and Dave Bassett were, ahem, special friends. Wise duly responded with some crude sexual remarks about Savage’s then-girlfriend before it was fisticuff time.

Manchester City (2004)

In a quite famous and much-lamented incident, Joey Barton had a pretty good time at this bash. Word is that the ever-charming Joey was going around boasting about his hugely inflated wage, and attempting to make holes in the other players’ fancy dress costumes with a lit cigar. Youth player Jamie Tandy strangely took offence to this and tried to light Barton’s outfit with a cigarette lighter. Barton’s reasonable response? Stubbing said cigar out in the 18-year-old’s eye, almost permanently blinding him. He’s a sweetheart isn’t he?

Manchester United (2007)

You have to do something pretty special at a Christmas lash-up to get your boss to officially ban all future festive parties. And that’s exactly what Manchester United managed to collectively do last year. Conceptually it was just perfect: the night started with a 15-hour pub crawl and Rio Ferdinand was left in charge of organising entertainment, a task at which he did not disappoint by hand-picking 80 (eighty!) tarts to accompany them. First of all Wayne Rooney, while strumming a pretend plastic guitar, unknowingly chatted up a journalist with the immortal line: “I'm dressed like Justin Timberlake tonight – and you can be Beyonce.” What does that even mean Wayne?! Anyway, things kind of turned when the party went upstairs to the rooms and one of the bevy of beauties described a “vile” orgy, during which the men shrieked “like hyenas.” Oh, and 19-year-old Johnny Evans was also arrested on suspicion of rape. To be honest though, I’ve never had a bad night out that’s ended in accusations of sexual assault.