Sit Down. Shut Up.

The football world is going increasingly mad. When you go to a game these days you can’t stand up, you can’t drink, you can’t smoke, and now apparently at Middlesbrough, you can’t actually make any noise. At Saturday’s bore draw with Wigan, supporters of the free-falling team were handed out letters telling them to only cheer when the team scores. Seriously. Consider then that Boro have failed to net in more than eight hours at the Riverside, which would obviously render the stadium all the atmosphere of a morgue, or worse still, The Emirates.

The circulated note (uncovered by our good friends over at The Spoiler - click above to enlarge), was sent from safety officer Sue Watson, also asked fans not to stand up too much during games: “I am receiving more and more complaints from our own fans about both the persistent standing and the constant banging and noise coming from the back of this stand. Please stop. Make as much noise as you like when we score, but this constant noise is driving some fans mad.” Stunned supporters couldn’t believe it when the letter was dished out at the Riverside Stadium before Saturday’s 0-0 draw with Wigan. The written request was given out by stewards to fans in the stadium’s South East corner, where many specifically moved last season to create a singing area.

Furious fans have since set up a Facebook group calling for Watson to quit, with one fan intoning: “The letter’s an utter disgrace. The anger and resentment it’s caused shows what a PR disaster it is.” Another supporter told journalistic juggernaut the North East Gazette: “Are they going to give us prompt cards to tell us when we can sing and when we can’t? You would think that given our current league position, the club would be wanting us to help rally the team and get behind them. This is a working class sport and it’s a passionate sport. When we were at Ayresome Park, if you weren’t at the game you used to be able to hear the crowd from the town centre. We need to bring back the Riverside Roar!”

Despite this, last night Boro’s chief operating officer Neil Bausor maintained that the club did still “encourage passionate and noisy support,” adding: “we understand the strength of feeling on this issue and we accept the letter could easily have been misunderstood. We apologise to any supporters who have therefore been understandably annoyed.”

This anti-atmosphere campaign comes just months after the Premier League’s most famous fan, Mr Portsmouth FC, was told to stop singing so much and ringing his bell at Fratton Park because it was disrupting other fans’ enjoyment of the game. Whatever next? A coffee ban in Starbucks? A nudity ban in Browns??!!

Spazzbook

These days, a transfer saga can be as complicated as a David Lynch movie, with what seems like weeks of misinformation and caprice finally bookended by a sly frame of two millionaires clinking glasses of champagne together on a luxury yacht. Prick-teasing the press is something that you learn with age though; just look at how masterful the likes of Frank Lampard are when it comes to theatrical misdirection these days. They really should start covering this stuff earlier in Football 101 however, because a young Crystal Palace player made a complete fool of himself by posting details of a proposed move to Fulham on his Facebook page at the weekend. By now everyone should know that Facebook is good for stalking people and occasionally having a sly toss over the girl that sits opposite you at work, but for communicating relatively private information? Yeah, not so hot.

So meet Ashley-Paul Robinson, an 18-year-old winger who has been with Championship high-flyers Palace for five years. The hyphenated first name should be a warning sign of the idiocy to follow. You see, Mr Robinson wrote a message on the circle-jerk website announcing that he was having a trial with Premier League outfit Fulham, but the intended audience of his 194 Facebook friends were not the only people able to read his exciting news. Unfortunately, the message could also be seen by all 2.7 million members of the site who have joined the London network, unwittingly breaking the story to supporters of both clubs, as well as to anyone else in the capital with a lot of time on their hands.

The remarkably lucid Ashley-Paul updated his status on Saturday with a message which read: “Ashley-Paul is goin fulham on monday. If i pull dis off im on dis ting.” It should be pretty clear what he meant, but here’s a quick translation for our less ‘street’ readers: “Ashley-Paul is hopefully being transferred to Fulham on Monday. If I’m able to perform to the best of my abilities and impress the necessary people, then I shall be really rather pleased with myself.” On Sunday he added: “Ashley-Paul is travling 2 Bath With Fulham Fingers Crossed,” but the comment yesterday, after news of his faux-pas spread, topped it: “Ashley-Paul has been very naughty lol!” I don’t think I’m alone is thinking the actual use of the term “lol” should be punishable by a swift kick in the happy sacks.

Palace, however, have surprisingly not been as impressed by our Ashley-Paul’s openness, and a source at the club described comprehensively that it was not a laughing matter: “It's pretty embarrassing for the club that this guy is telling the world he's looking to leave…perhaps someone should tell him to be a bit more private about what he's putting on the internet.” Quite cutting, but one can only imagine how perennial hot-head Neil Warnock responded to this debacle behind closed doors. Having made his first-team debut late last season, Ashley-Paul was offered a new contract by the club’s manager, but today Warnock candidly offered this understatement: “We feel it's probably better that he looks elsewhere to further his career.” In other words, you better hope you got some good GCSEs son, because you sure as hell ain’t getting another contract as a footballer in this lifetime.

Thanks to the Spoiler for the hijacked photo.