The Incredible Balk

Thanks as ever to our toned-yet-heterosexual locker-room buddies The Spoiler for the tip-off on this one, as it really is too good to miss. While we were suffering through the sporting hysterectomy this week that was England playing the United States of Freedom at ‘soccer,’ there was a far more insulting act taking place elsewhere in Europe. Yes, while we were apparently turning new Wembley into a “fortress” by playing a rubbish team that didn’t want to be there, the Czech Republic were preparing for some shit international tournament in a fortnight’s time by playing the mighty Latvia.

The visitors were spoiled rotten, with Latvian flags displayed all round the Stadion Eden, and the program even featuring photos and information about the team. If that wasn’t enough, a hearty version of their national anthem ‘Dievs, svētī Latviju!’ (‘God bless Latvia!’) greeted the players as they stepped out onto the Czech pitch. It was a truly beautiful moment, however one that I fear might be over-looked in retrospect. You see, the Czech Republic weren’t actually playing Latvia, but their Balkan neighbours Lithuania. I’m sure the Latvians were very touched at the tribute while they were sitting in their bars talking about how ace it is not being the USSR’s bitch, or whatever Latvians talk about, but for the poor Lithuanians it must’ve been a touch disheartening to say the least.

The Czech Republic's soccer federation have since apologized profusely to its Lithuanian counterpart, and to the Lithuanian embassy in Prague. The federation said in a statement today that the mistakes were inexcusable and measures will be taken not to repeat them in the future. Spokesman Vaclav Tichy took responsibility and duly fell on his sword. His deputy was also fired for sniggering, while another federation official has reportedly been fined for re-labeling the countries humourously on the office map.

Latvia is famous for big-pimping metal-faced comic book villain Dr Doom, last seen firing lightning at Jessica Alba in the hope her clothes might fall off, and under-age prostitutes. Lithuania is famous for having a fast-growing economy, and also under-age prostitutes.

Chelsea Fans are a Tolerant Bunch

What a country we live in. It has been revealed this morning that yesterday, in the build-up to Chelsea’s clash with Greek side Olympiakos in the Champions League, a package was sent to Avram Grant, via the club’s training ground in Cobham, full of anti-semitism, death threats and a white powder claiming to be deadly. While STT would normally applaud this attempt to re-enact a typical Friday night round Walt Disney’s old house, this is no laughing matter in the 21^st century, and in supposedly one of the most forward-thinking nations on earth.


Despite subsequent tests to prove the substance was harmless, Police found a note reading “You are a back-stabbing Jewish bastard. When you open this letter you will die a very slow and painful death” inside the parcel, along with further sexual threats directed at Grant’s wife Tzofit (the Israeli answer to Ruby Wax), who incidently once drank her own urine live on TV. It has also shockingly come out that since joining the club earlier this year, Grant has been virtually bombarded with similar e-mails and letters from disgruntled fans, scared of losing their club to a co-called Jewish conspiracy headed up by uber-billionaire Roman Abramovich. One message printed in The Times today, recovered from both Grant and Abramovich, said the following:

“I have been a Chelsea supporter since 1968. And Chelsea has always been a White, English, Christian football club in the land of St George. I would rather see Chelsea playing in the Isthmian league, than see you Jewish bastards ruin it with Russian, American and nasty Israeli terrorist Jews.”

It is seriously depressing that attitudes like this still exist in football, and of course in the country generally, so let’s hope that Police find whoever is behind this ridiculous campaign of hate and give them 100 hours community service.