Wipe-Clean Cover Included

Anyone who knows me knows that I like girls dressed up as cheerleaders, especially when I’m throwing a shot in them, but also just generally in everyday life too. Unfortunately I am currently facing a civil action suit about my attempt to encourage this kind of uniform in the office, but when I get home, I now have an outlet for my perfectly normal and reasonable obsession.

You see, Nintendo often get slammed by so-called serious gamers (i.e. professional masturbators) for pandering to kids, but with a product like Allstar Cheerleader now out on the market, how can these accusations stand? What’s more ‘adult’ than having essentially a Wii-enabled porn movie? To quote from the actual developer’s website, the game uses “the Wii Remote and Nunchuk to perform dozens of real-world cheer and dance moves…(and) also supports the Wii Balance Board so you can get your entire body involved in the game.” Basically the way this works in my head is that the final showdown involves a cheerleader strutting around on screen and she goads you that you’ll never be able sleep with a girl as hot as her. Then, using the Wii motion-sensors, you prove to her that you’re up to the challenge of satisfying her, by treading water for a few minutes while she strips. If you shoot your load, you lose and have to start back at beginning and go through essentially the same exercise, only with a huge fat trannie, or a man or something. If you succeed, then somehow she climbs out of the TV and is programmed to do exactly what you say, and only open her mouth if…well, you get the picture.

Ok, so weird computerised sex conjecture aside, there is a reason why we’re covering this decidedly non-football-related topic, and that’s because the NFL is coming to LONDON, ENGERLAND this weekend for your viewing pleasure. And by that I mean, if you’re lucky to enough to have bagged tickets, you have the chance to get up close and personal with some actual cheerleaders at Wembley. Don’t let the big men in armour charging about on the field distract you, because it’s very rare to genuinely find girls in cheerleader outfits in real-life, so savour the moment fellows.

Having done some extensive research, our allegiance is firmly with the San Diego Chargers, because to be honest, about half of the Saints’ Saintsations are a bit (whisper it) ugly actually, but kudos to the photographer for insisting on cleavage shots. The Charger Girls on the other hand are all pretty fantastic, and I shall be concentrating all my energy on Sunday on breaking into their locker room and kidnapping one them for, you know, sex stuff.

Why Doesn’t This Ever Happen in My Office

It sounds like the start of a joke doesn’t it: how many cheerleaders can you fit in a lift? Well, some bright sparks in the home of the bright spark, Texas, decided to try and answer that question in an experiment of Newton-esque importance. For those of you here purely for the result by the way, I’ll get it out of the way now: 26 cheerleaders is apparently the most you can fit in a lift.

Anyway, the heroic girls, aged dangerously between 14 and17, managed to get into the lift on Tuesday night at the couldn’t-be-more-appropriately-named Jester Residence Hall on the University of Texas campus. After taking deep breaths, and possibly removing all semblance of clothing to save space, they managed to close the lift doors and descend to the first floor, but when they touched down the doors jammed, sending the visionary young ladies into a frenzied mass of braces and pom-poms. After one of the cheerleaders eventually contacted the outside world by calling from a mobile phone, repairmen were despatched to release them. However, it took 25 minutes to open the door, and in the meantime one girl fainted and had to be treated in hospital. Can you imagine the look on the repairman’s face when his mundane day of electrical faults and broken taps was interrupted by jimmying open a lift door to find 26 teenage cheerleaders? JACKPOT!

Predictably though the university authorities overseeing the cheerleading camp failed to see the funny side: “It's dangerous actually,” said po-faced Rhonda Weldon, the university police spokeswoman. “They're lucky that that's all that happened. Take the sign seriously,” was her valuable advice. “There are signs everywhere: no more than 15 people or 3,000 pounds.” Cheer up love!