Italian TV is Great

So it’s a pretty tough gig being England manager. Sure expectations are high but ultimately everyone knows we’re going to fail, so in reality there isn’t really that much pressure. Oh, you also get more than 300 days off a year, and those 60-odd ‘working’ days involve basically just watching football at glamorous locations around the world.

You can understand then that sometimes current boss Fabio Capello needs to take some time off to relax. He is currently in Milan chilling out, but managed to squeeze in an appearance on local show Chiambretti Night (think Politics Today with less talking and more incongruous soft-porn) to presumably chat about the fractured European economy and the media embargo of Gaza.

Out of the blue though, the good producer-types decided to throw him what appears to be an impromptu stag do by bringing out a stripper to serenade him as he desperately tries to bend natural law and climb through the back of his chair. I genuinely don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone look this uncomfortable while facing a perfectly formed gyrating rump.

Some Much Needed Insight

Former Arsenal midfielder and female impersonator Alexander Hleb has today compared Fabio Capello’s leadership of the England national team to a communist regime. An interesting take on matters certainly; it makes you think that perhaps ‘communist’ was a word our Mr Hleb only just learned and was subsequently eager to squeeze it into a press conference to show off how clever and worldly he is.

Anyway, the current Barcelona player is preparing to face England next week for the mighty Belarus, and apparently has been spying inside our camp to get the drop on our rejuvenated team. He said:

“Nothing can be achieved with restrictions and bans. The most important thing is the atmosphere in the team. It seems that there is some kind of communism going on. For example, Capello says the players’ breakfast is not from 8 till 9am but strictly at 8.15! It’s all nonsense.”

There is one thing you seem to have overlooked though Alex: literally no-one gives a fuck what you think, and never will, so keep your wise opinions to yourself.

I Speeg The Good Eenglish

One of the biggest arguments against hiring Fabio Capello as England manager was that he could hardly speak English. In the time since his appointment, Capello has told the press that he communicates with his squad in the Queen's, but told journalists that he will only talk to them through an interpreter, as they had a habit of twisting what he says. Learning English from a group of poorly educated group of millionares might not be the best way forward and recent reports from the England camp now suggest that he's finding it very hard to understand all the player's local accents :

The Scousers

The England captain's favourite word might be 'eeerm', but Gerrard's delivery usually makes him fairly easy to understand. Rooney's accent can be pretty thick when he's busy turning the air blue in the general direction of officials. Still, Capello must be thanking his lucky stars that the definition of Scouseness, Jamie Carragher, has retired from international duty:


The Brummies

Micah Richards, Gareth Barry and Gabby Agbonlahor share possibly the least desirable vocal inflection in England - the exciting Birmingham accent. Although none of them are deepest 'Black Country', listening to an interview with Agbonlahor can make the eyelids heavy, but it's Micah Richards' first interview with Garth Crooks that surely would have confused Capello, especially his use of the vernacular:


The Laaaahndaners

Ranging from high-pitched squeakyness in the shape of Frank Lampard and David Beckham, to the more drawling John Terry and Rio Ferdinand, the London accent can be a tough nut to crack. Of the players from the capital, Capello's got to be most flummoxed by Joe Cole, especially when he insists on talking in cliches and rhyming slang:


The Geordies

Howay y'bastads. Michael Carrick, Johnathan Woodgate and Stewart Downing all hail from the North East, but there hasn't been a properly impenetrable goerdie accent representing England since the days of Gazza and classy Chris Waddle. Watch out for Gascoigne calling himself a 'thick fucking Geordie bastard' around 2:40:


Canny. Get well soon Gazza.

The ?

Owen Hargreaves' accent is truly a thing of mystery and Capello has repeatedly called security on poor Owen, thinking he's a Germano/Canadian spy. Check this highly informative pie chart and watch the video to be made feeling slightly uneasy:

Holiday with the Premier League!

caWhile news of this story broke late last week, the actual facts and logistics of the plan kind of got lost in all the nationalistic drivel and hyperbole we’ve all come to expect from the newspapers in this country…well, the ones I read anyway. So is this in fact the “DEATH OF FOOTIE” as the Daily Mail so intelligently and reasonably put it?

The bare bones of the story are this: last Thursday, the executive boards of the Premier League clubs unanimously agreed to further examine a proposal to extend the season to 39 games, by staging a new round of competitive fixtures outside the UK from January 2011. A decision will not in fact be made until a year’s time, however since the announcement, everyone from Gordon Brown to Sir Alex Ferguson to Pete Doherty has offered an opinion, so we decided to show you some choice quotes from those in the industry first, before chucking in our inevitable 2-pence-worth at the end…

In Favour of Global Expansion:

Firstly, here’s someone that actually knows what he’s talking about. Alistair Kirkwood is the NFL's UK managing director, and was therefore instrumental when American Football made history last year and staged its first regular season game outside of the country:

“Given the way that sports fans consume their media and how the media works, the NFL had to come up with a way of reaching out to more people and show the best possible aspect of our sport. That's when we came up with the concept of competitive games outside of America…

“Ultimately, no matter how major sports are structured, the vast majority of activity will still continue to be in home markets and (be focused on) giving a great experience for the home fans. It's not all about making money. It could, over the next few years, make sports leagues and teams more exciting. In 10 years time, you need to ask yourself whether you want a fanbase of 200 to 300 million, or three to four billion; if you want three to four billion, you have to make tough decisions and look at ways of being creative and possibly sacrificing things.”

NFL league commissioner Roger Goodell described this historic first as one of the highlights of the 2007 season so it was not only for the benefit of good PR. The clash between the Miami Dolphins and (future Superbowl winners) the New York Giants at Wembley in October saw a 82,000 sell-out, which earned London more than £20million, with 10,000 visitors flocking in from the United States alone. Perhaps more significantly however, the game was also broadcast in 212 countries around the world, in 21 different languages; figures that surely justify the NFL's decision to voyage into such un-chartered territory.

Here then are some further positive opinions from those within our national game at the moment…

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger:

“I'm not against an innovative attitude if it respects the competitive side of our league, if it respects the fans, and promotes the quality of our Premier League.”

Newcastle manager Kevin Keegan:

“I don't necessarily think it is a bad thing. From what I understand, it has been well thought out. The trouble with a lot of people is when something new comes into the arena, they want to find reasons to knock it. I am not against change.”

Reading chairman John Madejski:

"I think it's common sense that teams should do one match abroad every year. I don't have a problem with it at all. The fans are extremely lucky that they see a wonderful array of foreign talent playing here in England."

And finally, a slightly giddy David Gold, Birmingham co-owner:

“We are making history. The Premier League, which is the greatest league the world has ever known, is being adventurous. I find this amazingly exciting.”

Against Global Expansion:

A recurring theme sees to be that this plan will, if anything, only widen the gap between the so-called Big 4 in the Premier League, and everyone else. Sure General manager of the LA Galaxy, Alexei Lalas had these words:

“They can come over and play these games and people can come and check it out, but I think they are going to leave the stadium more often than not thinking 'I can get much better value and more excitement by going to see my Galaxy play.’ We (Americans) do not have a monopoly on rubbish soccer - it's played all over the world.”

LA Times sports journalist Graham Jones agrees with the assessment made by Galaxy's chief:

“If it's two lower-level teams who are not really fighting for anything, and haven't got any big-name players, it's not going to draw more than MLS draws now…(around) 15,000 - 20,000.”

Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport, Andy Burnham had these remarkably sensible words to add:

“The Premier League brings great benefits to Britain, but its success today is established on the tradition of local club support, built up over generations. The game must never forget its roots.”

Kevin Roberts, a manager at ‘Sports Business Group’ told Radio 5-Live this on Saturday:

“If you remove a home game from any set of fans you are disenfranchising the very people this game is built on."

Portsmouth manager Harry Redknapp:

“Clubs could become like the Harlem Globetrotters. It will start with one game and then next year or the year after until eventually I can see us playing quite a few games in different parts of the world.”

Derby midfielder and all-round legend, Robbie Savage:

“From a player’s viewpoint, it’s daunting. It will certainly take its toll physically if we are flying half-way round the world and back before starting domestically again. We need a break and I’m all for that. But I would sooner be spending it with my family than flying off to the Far East, for example. It would be terrific to be able to spend some time with them in the middle of the season.”

Malcolm Clarke, Chairman of the Football Supporters’ Federation:

“This threatens the integrity of the league. It denies fans the chance to see their team at home. That is not right.”

So what do we think then?

Well it’s clearly quite a complex issue and to be honest I can really see both sides of the argument. On a purely executive level, there are few downsides because revenue, branding and reputation can be increased many times over. However, the lifeblood of football is the fans, so we must really think of them first and foremost.

On the one hand, it’s great for overseas supporters to be able to finally see their favourite players in the flesh, and for those players, surely it’s a great opportunity to entertain and bring back some of the showmanship sorely lacking in weekly Premier League matches. However, as many have said, it’ll be exciting to see the likes of Ronaldo and Rooney, but would anyone really pay over the odds and travel to see Fulham vs Derby, for example? Furthermore, the 38-game season works because each team plays everyone else twice, offering some kind of average over the 9 months. With this seemingly wildcard 39^th game then, how would it be fair for, say, Wigan to draw fellow strugglers Bolton, while Birmingham are drawn against Manchester United? If Birmingham were subsequently relegated by a couple of points, how could you justify that to their fans or management?

The crucial point for me though is what do you say to your loyal season ticket holders at home? These are the guys who put almost every penny they earn into seeing their team, and travel around the country week after week. As a club, you are basically telling these guys that their money, their time, their passion and their unquestioning support is no longer enough. Just because people overseas will pay more, these fans with potentially 80 or 90 years support, are being told that they’re not good enough to watch their team anymore. Even if all the revenue garnered from this 39^th game is pumped back into the club, will that really offset the disrespect and greed inherit in this planned move?

With Fabio Capello also strongly against this idea, what kind of effect might this have on the future of international football? How in the long-term could this ever be beneficial to the woeful state of the England team? Picture the scene: we need a result in the final World Cup 2010 qualifier, but unfortunately the whole team hasn’t slept in 2 days because they’ve all flown to the four corners of the globe and back. Sorry Fabio, you haven’t got the most out of your players and we’ve failed yet again, you’re fired mate. Taking it to extremes I know, but surely this is a slippery slope?

Finally, the proposal also begs the question of what next, if we must constantly be trying to think outside the box to expand the national game. If the money was right, would the clubs consider a 5 minute multi-ball finale? Would they sell-out the team’s name to a sponsor? Would they unveil plans to play a game in zero-gravity on the moon???

As ever, direct your thoughts, opinions and abuse to the usual address – sniffingtt@hotmail.com

England 2 – 1 Switzerland

Yay! We won! Problems all solved right? We didn’t wanna waste our summer playing in some pointless kickabout tournament anyway, we’ve got bigger World Cup 2010-shaped fish to fry, and the path to glory started last night at a packed Wembley Stadium.

They might’ve been neutral during World War II, but Switzerland showed more backbone than expected throughout the course of the match, trying to play football and causing several problems within our defensive third of the pitch. This will be the main concern for Fabio Capello one would imagine, with Gareth Barry and the back four often dragged out of position just following the ball, where a simple man-to-man approach would have sufficed against such tame opposition.

Looking at the positives though, the so-called front three of Joe Cole, David Bentley and Wayne Rooney were all excellent, with Rooney a particular stand-out who deserved a goal. Furthermore, Steven Gerrard was more involved than he has been for years while wearing an England shirt, enjoying particular attacking freedom in the second half while the Swiss struggled to keep track of our movement with all their substitutions. Jermaine Jenas also continued some decent club form this year with a solid performance in the first half, but with a tendency to go missing in defence, perhaps he isn’t the long-term answer to our lightweight midfield we’ve been searching for since Paul Scholes retired. Shaun Wright-Phillips impressed as well in bursts after his introduction around the hour-mark, but he still has such an inconsistent end product that I’d be wary of ever starting with him in a competitive international.

Many of the same old issues remain unresolved however, and depressingly they seem to all revolve around the bare basics of the game; passing and movement. Too often players carrying the ball forward are lacking in options, and those options that are available tend to be receiving the ball standing still. This never happens with the best European club sides, let alone the truly great technical international sides. Arsenal for example have an attacking strategy centred around perhaps the simplest move of all, the wall pass, and this at least is something which our attacking players need to develop in their locker. These things all come from time spent playing together however, so I wouldn’t be too worried just yet after only three training sessions with the new Italian regime.

So yes, it’s a winning start for this new era of English football, but 7 of our last 9 managers have enjoyed the same success, so let’s not get carried away. The first real test comes next month away in Paris to 2006 World Cup runners-up France, who will surely want better preparation for the summer than last night’s damp 1 – 0 defeat to Spain. With more than just the three days time he had here with the team, we should all hope for slightly more evidence of Capello’s influence next month, with the fight and passion epitomized by his numerous European sides of the past at least evident. He has built his success on defending high up the pitch, competing for 95 minutes out of every 90, and having explosive match-winners in the final third. If we can find a decent partner for Rooney to play off, and establish the kind of sublime relationship he has with Carlos Tevez at Man United, then with the service of Bentley and Joe Cole or Ashley Young, we start to look pretty threatening. Then with Owen Hargreaves fit and back in the holding midfield role, we should have a stronger anchor to give the likes of Gerrard even more license to get forward and hit the ball on the edge of the penalty area.

Peter Crouch, Ashley Cole and Wes Brown need to go though, they simply are not good enough for this level and, since we need to be looking two years into the future, the time to draft permanent replacements in is now. World Cup qualification is the best part of a year away so let’s get a forward-thinking squad together now and put sentiment to one side. David Beckham and Michael Owen too, while great servants over the last decade, are well over the hill now so the sooner it is made clear they will never feature again for England, the better. Sorry guys!

Capello’s Iron Fist

You have to give Fabio Capello credit for making his first priority the slashing of egos around the England camp. The main problem recently has been too many players believing their own hype, and everyone larking about on and off the field like it’s all some kind of holiday camp. Professionalism is what we need and that is what Mr Capello truly embodies. His record speaks for itself; you don’t win major titles throughout Europe over a playing and managerial career spanning nearly 45 years by being some bleach-haired clown who drives a Hummer and dates pop stars. There are simply too many guys happy to get an international cap and think they’ve made it; hopefully Capello will be the guy to get the likes of Joe Cole and Shaun Wright-Phillips to push on and finally make the most of their potential.

Perhaps the biggest sacrifice is surrounding WAGs, with all players officially banned from their better halves during the build-up to a match. Capello has explicitly acted out in this way before however, famously once banning female staff at Juventus from wearing short skirts and low-cut tops to stop them “distracting” players. For the minute, on and off-pitch sexiness will have to be put on hold, as a ‘back to basics’ approach seems to be the order of the day. Says Ruud Gullit: “I worked with him for four years and he's a coach who plays to win. He doesn't play for the beauty of the game, but to win, that's all.”

On top of the further superficialities such as banning mobile phones, flip-flops and room service, his strict regime finally treats players like regular workers. Lateness is punished, longer hours and extra training are required close to game day, and players are only to refer to each other by surname. Gone is the laugh-a-day regime of Wazza, Lamps and JT letting off fire extinguishers in hotels late at night. But what you may ask do the players call Mr Capello on the training ground? Well “gaffer” of course!

STT wonders if there's an Italian equivalent of Gaffer, and suggests either Il Duche (that's what Mussolini named himself in the 1930-40's) or simply Caesar.

Does that make Stuart Pierce Biggus Dickus?