The Lust of the Rings

After a couple of months of clinging desperately to his rapidly sinking relationship, it seems that Ashley Cole has finally come to terms with reality and removed his wedding ring. The Sun cleverly had a pap hidden in a Burger King bin at a service station yesterday to capture everyone’s favourite love-rat depressingly buying a couple of Ginsters slices and a copy of Razzle: Reader’s Wives to help numb the obvious pain. This comes just weeks after rumours of a second wedding this summer would reconnect the mismatched pair, and the same day as Ashley declared that he would be whisking Cheryl away afterwards for a luxurious Caribbean holiday to lay the foundation for a new chapter in their lives together. Thankfully to show that there is some justice in the world, this appears to all be a complete fabrication, with Cole nowhere near forgiven for his unbelievably busy hands, despite the fact that they are back living together in his Surrey home.

Word on the street is that they sleep in different bedrooms as far away from each other as possible, and they barely talk. No change for Ashley then, but the normally garrulous Cheryl is apparently struggling to get over his indiscretion and forgive him, let alone forget what happened. A (presumably fictional) friend of Ashley’s revealed to The Sun: “Ashley has been miserable these past few months and Cheryl’s really made him pay for what he did. He thinks the holiday will be the final gesture that will make things go back to the way they were before he was caught out. He even hopes the sex ban will end while they’re away.” That’s right Ashley, girls are easy to work out; throw some money their way and everything will be ok. While living in this egotistically amoral bubble, Cole seems to have forgotten that not all girls are actually prostitutes, so chances of him getting anywhere near Cheryl’s sensuous coconut skin, or papaya-enriched hair, or nimble tongue, or moist...wait what was my point? Kind of drifted off there for a minute. Basically, he ain’t tapping that ass ever again.

Ever the gentleman, Ashley has also offered her a trip to his secret Saint-Tropez mansion as an alternative, but as you can see he’s failed once again to grasp the cause of her objections. A gal pal of Cheryl’s said she was understandably embarrassed at being seen with the certified cheat: “Cheryl accepted Ashley back because she loves him. But she’s finding it hard to put his cheating behind her. She could refuse the holiday offers all together. He has a long way to go before he wins back the place he used to have in her heart – and her bed.”

The bottom line is that Ashley really needs to just take responsibility for his actions and shut up, but being a footballer that is probably outside the realms of possibility. As The Spoiler so rightly suggested, the only way he could possibly endear himself back to everyone outside of his own family is to pay each of us a personal visit and apologise for generally being such an obnoxious piece of shit.