Get Your Tits Out for Carew!

Anyone who spends much time around ‘Browns’ in East London will know that I’m down there most lunchtimes and every evening. You see, sipping flat lager surrounded by Eastern European strippers is just what happens to motivate me, and ensures I produce the best work possible. I seem to have found a kindred spirit in enormous Norwegian striker John Carew, who last week decided to warm up for Villa’s huge UEFA Cup tie with Ajax by visiting a lap dancing club hours before kick-off. He clearly knows as well as I do the serenity that comes from staring through the soulless openings that these girls call eyes, and who, in a moment of stress, hasn’t engaged in a bit of light-hearted thonging?

Well, apparently Martin O’Neill, because the Villa gaffer saw fit to fine Carew £100,000 after the incident. Carew did however prove his critics wrong, by returning to the side this weekend to bag a goal in his team’s demolition of Wigan at the JJB. This begs the question: should footballers be able to do whatever they want in their spare time so long as they perform on the pitch? I mean, short of shooting smack and knocking hookers about anyway.

Villa skipper, and STT favourite, Martin Laursen said: “He should not take one step inside that (lap-dancing) club because that was wrong and not what we do the day before a game. I was surprised he behaved like that, but I think he has realised that and I don't think he will ever do it again. I don't think he was there after midnight from what he has said. But he knew that he should have been with us at the hotel. It has nothing to do with his dedication to Aston Villa. He is a very serious footballer and he wants to do well. We don't want to be without him - not at all. He is so important to us. When he didn't play, the fans were singing for him. They love him and he is forgiven.”

Midfielder Stiliyan Petrov has a slightly different opinion though: “I think we should let him go out every night if he plays like that! We all motivate ourselves in different ways and maybe that is his way - he should go lap-dancing more often! We don't worry about each other's private lives - it is what is done on the pitch that matters.” Amen Stiliyan, amen… just try explaining that to my boss though. And girlfriend.

Acorns on the Cob

According to rumours doing the rounds this week, Aston Villa are set to forgo the approximate windfall of £4million in shirt advertising next season, and instead use the space to promote Acorns children's charity. Just before Christmas last year, you might recall seeing several Villa players visiting the Acorns hospice in Birmingham to do some general bringing of cheer, and it seems that a strong relationship has been maintained ever since. Around £2million will be donated by the club to Acorns next year; a gesture which, in this cold and unethical world of football, is actually almost heart-warming.

The response from Villa fans has been understandably very positive and, praising the board and the management for side-stepping the usual minefield of shit travel companies and online gambling sites. This move also aligns the Midlands outfit with Catalan giants Barcelona, who themselves chose to join forces with a charitable organization this year, penning a five-year deal with child aid outfit Unicef. It’s a great precedent to set in this country, and let’s hope that certain clubs who definitely don’t need the sponsorship money (*cough* Chelsea *cough* Man United) will follow suit.

Of course there are nay-sayers though. Some fans are bemoaning the fact that, while it’s admirable to turn down sponsorship money, if it costs them players by being priced out of wage negotiations, then it’s the wrong move. STT would say in response that some things are bigger and more important than football, and in the long run, reducing sponsorship money throughout the game can only be a good thing. We do miss the old days of Holsten, JVC, Sharp and Crown Paints though.

So Solid Carew

As much as I hate stealing headlines, especially from The Sun, this one was just impossible to better. Yes, STT favourite and all-round top bloke John Carew has apparently scored with former So Solid alumni, and Strictly Come Dancing winner, Alesha Dixon after the pair have been spotted around various fancy London restaurants over the last few weeks. Former member of short-lived ‘urban’ girl-group Mis-Teeq, Dixon married pretty-boy gangsta Harvey from the underwhelming garage ‘sensation’ So Solid Crew in 2005, but the pair split when he was caught screwing her friend Javine Hylton just a year later. Now I don’t really know who Javine is, but a quick google search confirms that she is the definition of ‘BOBFOC’ and makes truly terrible music. Harvey and Javine are unfortunately yet to grace us with a collaborative single since they had their first child together (ahhh) last year, but fingers crossed that when the kid’s old enough to beatbox, the threesome will hit us with some shit that we just ain’t ready for; future music yeah.

In case you don’t remember, Harvey and his Crew were responsible for the musical abortions that were “21 Seconds” and “Oh No,” sullying the good name of garage for a few quick pop bucks. Harvey apparently embraced the fame more than most, and can now be seen regularly kissing babies on Blue Peter and laughing alongside a load of gay blokes on reality TV judging panels. He is so ghetto it actually hurts. Reacting to this perceived sell-out, the rest of the Crew did what any real troop of rudeboys would do, and that’s shoot some people. Producer Carl Morgan therefore will be available for photoshoots and signings in Belmarsh prison for the next 30 years, while rapper Megaman has been connected with the stabbing of Dizzee Rascal, and twice beat a murder charge.

Anyway back to the story. When the affair was made public (Javine’s producer reportedly found HarveyDixon rightly kicked this joker into touch, but since then has apparently been in a real rut, both emotionally and creatively. In stepped 6’5” tall Norwegian striker Carew to whisk her away, and the zest for life rekindled by Strictly Come Dancing has spurned Dixon on now to take control of her life again. A current gal pal told us: “She deserves to be with someone nice after what she's been through. She's so lovely and lights up every room she walks into. It's great she's found someone who makes her smile. He's a gentle giant. He's a massive bloke, but a really nice guy.” Carew himself was unavailable for comment, but his voicemail message assures us that everything is in proportion, and yes, he does in fact last longer than 21 seconds in the sack. drinking from her furry cup in the studio), Dixon rightly kicked this joker into touch, but since then has apparently been in a real rut, both emotionally and creatively. In stepped 6’5” tall Norwegian striker Carew to whisk her away, and the zest for life rekindled by Strictly Come Dancing has spurned Dixon on now to take control of her life again. A current gal pal told us: “She deserves to be with someone nice after what she's been through. She's so lovely and lights up every room she walks into. It's great she's found someone who makes her smile. He's a gentle giant. He's a massive bloke, but a really nice guy.” Carew himself was unavailable for comment, but his voicemail message assures us that everything is in proportion, and yes, he does in fact last longer than 21 seconds in the sack.