Totally A Twat

George Best was one of the greatest players to ever hail from our shores. But more than that, he was also just a really great lad by all accounts, humble about his gifts and always up for a few pints with the boys despite women falling over themselves to swallow his kids. Which is why that it is even more jarring what an unparalleled cunt his waste-of-space son Calum has grown up to be. For those of you who are not riled by pointless ‘celebrities,’ please gloss over the forthcoming rant and be assured that I don’t in fact intend to track this piece of shit down and mutilate him with a claw hammer.

The conceit of this guy is just unreal. Not only does he genuinely believe he could be a professional footballer if he could be bothered, but he thinks he is so irresistible to women that now he is staring in an MTV Show where he ‘struggles’ to not have sex for 50 days. It is baffling to me how some of the hottest women in the world seem to respond to his date-rapist looks and cheap come-ons, and his exes depressingly include Kimberley Stewart, Lizzie Jagger and the divine Lindsey Lohan. The fact that he actually embraces the media epithet of “seedy lothario” tells you what a brain-donor this clown is, just wasting 11 months every year posing in Ray Bans and drinking low fat beer until he can go back on Celebrity Love Island to finger-bang some Page-3 tart that’s ten years younger than him.

I love that he seems to think this TV show, Totally Calum Best, will not show him to be just the most arrogant and self-centred wank-stain on the face of the planet. Calum, just a tip, but literally no-one will think more of you because you complain about how difficult it is to not have sex with beautiful women. The spiel on his website says that the Calum Best we know as a “tabloid Casanova” is in the past; “he now wants to reinvent himself and to prove to the world he is more than the above (a seedy lothario).” Well Calum I think the first step on that very long path is probably showing a touch of humility, and definitely not basing the promotion for your undoubtedly awful TV programme around cheap puns such as ‘How hard will it get?’ and the truly cringe-worthy ‘The Best is yet to come.’ I mean, come on guys, did you let Calum write those himself?

The press release continues to rile: “Each week his ‘mates’ will attempt to test Best's mettle as they deliver up temptation in various shapely forms.” So MTV expects people to essentially watch this prick around for 50 days while various men (who clearly hate him) parade cheap tarts in front of him in the hope he’ll crack and have sex with them. A producer on the show offered this inane comment to The Sun: “It will be hilarious watching him trying to leave the women alone!” I cannot underline how categorically unhilarious that scenario will in fact be.

To conclude, if everyone involved with Totally Calum Best could please just die that’d make the world a considerably better place. Thanks. Here's a hideous trailer: