Loos-er

Does anybody remember Rebecca Loos? She is a Dutch-born prostitute that found herself splattered all over the red tops a few years after claiming that she slept with David Beckham, almost wrecking the-man-they-call-D-Beck’s marriage in the process. Having been out of the limelight for a few months, the former bisexual personal assistant (to clarify: former PA not former bisexual; I’m pretty sure she still actively drinks from the furry cup) has this week boasted that the LA Galaxy star was great between the sheets in an interview with that great bastion of truth, Zoo magazine. As far as I knew, she had never actually claimed to have slept with him, but apparently now she feels confident enough in her bank balance to even rate him “eight, or eight and a half” out of ten at the old in-out-in-out.

Now Rebecca is clearly not familiar with the official sex rating scale, because if she was, she’d realize the gulf in performance between an eight and an eight and a half rating. Eight includes zero foreplay but between one and two minutes of active penetration in the missionary position; eight and a half is similar, but you last just long enough to actually both undress. In the history of the universe, an eight and a half rating has only been achieved a handful of times outside of the pornographic film industry, and most of those were either drug-fueled or by accident.

She drooled: “Yeah, he was good. He looks like he’d be good. You can usually tell.” Well you’d definitely know love. She continued: “(he was) very confident. It’s nice when a man is confident in the bedroom.”

For the sake of further controversy, the professional reality-TV ‘star’ also took the time out of her busy schedule of cucumber swallowing and vagina-tightening operations to sound off about D. Beck’s missus, who is obviously not a big fan of her work. Without beating around the bush, Loos reasonably described Victoria Beckham as “the world’s least attractive woman star,” and when asked what she would say if she bumped into Posh in the street, she offered this dazzling insight: “not much, probably.”