Someone Give Gazza a Job

Paul Gascoigne isn't getting better. The Sun reported yesterday that he had been acting suicidally, phoning hotel room service for a steak, but then cancelling it and asking them to bring just the knife. After this alerted hotel staff, the police arrived, to find Gazza unsuccessfully attempting to drown himself in the bath and he was detained under the mental health act for the second time in 3 months.

Much has been made of Gazza's recent red hair, which he shaved off (or was shaved off for him) after a boozy weekend. The tabloids have been making the obvious comparison to Britney Spears, who we all know has been nuttier than squirrel shit over the past year, although this may be the biggest insult of them all for Gazza. You wouldn't find him attacking reporters, flashing his genitals, or having stormy relationships would you? Oh. Still, it's a sorry state of affairs that one of the most exciting and likeable players I have seen play is being compared to a tabloid fueled train-wreck. What can be done to remedy this?

It has been said that the great man was happiest playing football and this theory does seem to hold water. So STT is putting a shout out - which manager wants to give Gazza a job? Come on, he may be 40, but I'm sure he could have scored a couple for Farsley Celtic this year. He would also provide an excellent anti-role model for younger players, in the same way they used to put people in the stocks to dissuade others from committing crimes. Gazza's spell at Boston United a few years ago maybe wasn't the most productive for either player or manager, seeing him disciplined for drinking 37 times in 39 days. This was probably because of the boring nightlife in Lincolnshire, so the alternative was just to be constantly smashfaced. We reckon that the best place for Gazza is one with a low standard of football and a thriving binge-drinking culture. Somewhere like Notts County would suit, where the football is barely professional and the pubs are built on top of each other.